Things the Animorphs (and other characters) would never say

[Blazing Angel]

Ax: <This is most illogical.>

[yunyun]

*Ax shows up stumbling and wobbling and bleary-eyed*

Jake: "Ax, are you alright?"
Ax: <I do not know.  I feel very strange.  It is as though my time-sense is off, and yet, at the same time it is not.  I cannot explain it.  I fear I may be going insane.  It seems, to my mind, almost as though the entire world had suddenly shifted by one earth hour.>
Marco: "Ah.  We call that 'daylight savings time.'"

Ahhaha, nice 

[TobiasMasonPark]

     (Doorbell at the Berenson home rings. Jake answers the door. A man and a woman in a suit are there, smiling.)

     Man: Greetings. Have you heard the good news?
     Jake: Er...Sorry. We're not...
     Woman: Oh, no. Sir, we aren't a religion. Nor are we selling anything. We just wanted to bring news of the Yeerk Empire.
     (Slam door)

     (Dinner time at the Berenson home. Phone rings. Mr. Berenson picks up).

     Jake's Dad: Hello?
     Telemarketer: Hello, sir. Are you happy with your Kandrona service?
     (Hang up)

     (Jake's family watching TV. Phone rings)

     Jake: LISTEN! WE DON'T WANT IT, OK?! LEAVE US ALONE!
     (Hangs up)

     Andalite 1: Well, I guess the humans don't need our help.

[Aluminator (Kit)]

Ahaha. That invasion may have been less dangerous than the one in the books, but it sure as heck would have been more annoying.

[Blazing Angel]

Rachel: "Let's do it."
Ax: <That's what she said.>
Marco: "Nice."
*High five.*

[TobiasMasonPark]

     Rachel: Hey, guys. We should recruit Melissa Chapman to our cause.

     Jake: A brilliant idea, Rachel. Let's do it.

     (First Melissa book:)

     Melissa: My name is Melissa Chapman. I can't tell you my last name, or where I live...

     Jake: SON OF A...

[Blazing Angel]

Jake: So the Chee have been pretty influential to human development?
Erik: Yes, we have essentially made every major discovery and invention in your history?
Jake: What? Have we done anything ourselves.
Erik: Nicola Tesla was all you.

[NateSean]

Ax: I am told that Rachel and Cassie are beautiful and Marco is hot. As an Andalite I notice neither of these traits but as a human, I notice the sweet sandy quality of Marco's delicate skin and the full, blossuming lips that just bulge out at you and beg you to take a bite. Oh and I notice Rachel and Cassie are you know, meh.

Ax: Marco, you rent videos?
Marco: Well, yeah Ax, but this isn't the time to rent movies, we need to figure out a way into the Yeerk controlled medical facility.
Ax: I understand. But I have a way to get you into the facility and I'll need your video card to do it.

*Marco exchanges glances with the others before taking his card out*

Marco: Okay, what now?
Ax: Rub it against my fur.
Marco: What?
Ax: I need you to rub the card against my fur.
Marco: Um...
Jake: Come on man, Ax has come through for us before. Just rub your card against his fur.
Marco: It's just... why?
Ax: Cause I need to reprogram it. Seriously, it's some Andalite thing.
Marco: Okay. *Reluctantly starts to rub the video card along Ax's chest*
Ax: Ah yes. That's right. Lower please.
*Disgusted Marco jumps back*
Marco: What?
Ax: I need you to rub lower on my torso. To get the electrons flowing, that's right. Electrons.
Marco: Guys are you sure this is a good idea?
Cassie: Why not? Ax has been super helpful in the past.
Marco: *reluctantly* Okay... *Rubs lower as Ax writhes and makes uncomfortable moaning noises* This better be worth it later on.

  *Later in the clinic Marco swipes the card through the reader. It rejects them.*

Marco: It didn't work!
*Jake, Rachel and Cassie snicker*
Marco: Did you know this would happen?
Rachel: Not a clue, we figured it would work on human codes. These must be protected by the Yeerks.
Jake: Yeah, I'm sure that's it.

[Blazing Angel]

*eye twitch* Ow, right in the childhood.

[Ash]

     Rachel: Hey, guys. We should recruit Melissa Chapman to our cause.

     Jake: A brilliant idea, Rachel. Let's do it.

     (First Melissa book:)

     Melissa: My name is Melissa Chapman. I can't tell you my last name, or where I live...

     Jake: SON OF A...

Haha, that's a gem right there.

[TobiasMasonPark]

     (The Animorphs watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. NOTE: I LOVE BOTH BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER AND THE ANIMORPHS!)

     Ax: This series is utterly ridiculous. And it is not  simply because this young female kills "vampires". The mentor is so staunchy and mechanical. Who is so mechanical?

     Tobias: I know what you mean. That Angel guy...I mean, come on, who does THAT much brooding. He's even got the whole dark colours and blank facial expression thing. And he's only ever happy around his blonde girlfriend. Who the hell is like that?

     Rachel: Yea. Blonde badass who looks like she's just your average bimbo, but is actually pretty smart and independant. Yea, Joss Whedon, girls like this exist.

     Marco: And the class-clown sidekick? Jeez. Not everything in life's a joke, buddy. Quit being the second banana and man up.

     David: And that whole Faith arc was a loving rip off of us.

     (Animorphs turn to David)

     Jake: What do you mean?

     David: It's obvious...Our series is pretty similar to the Buffy series.

     Tobias: Huh...I never saw that.

     David: Seriously? Newcomer joins the group, but finds that she doesn't fit in, and ends up being the traitor? Then the group sets up a fake situation where it seems like they have been bested by the traitor, but it turns out to be a trap? Then the traitor...is...defe ated...seriously?! You don't see it?

     Cassie: If our worlds are so similar, how come they don't have a pacifist?

     Ax: Because pacifism is stupid, Cassie.

     (Cassie sulks).

     Jake: I guess...we're just carbon copies of Buffy

     David: Or Joss Whedon just ripped us off.

     (The group stares at the tv.)

[Blazing Angel]

*When the animorphs bomb the yeerk pool*

Jake: Okay, the bombs in place we just need to leave through this tunnel.
Marco: Wait.
Cassie: For what?
Marco: We need to jump out right as the explosion happens, for maximum dramatic effect. Either that, or calmly walk away from it.

[NateSean]

          Jake: I guess...we're just carbon copies of Buffy

     David: Or Joss Whedon just ripped us off.

What I like about David's rant is that it's always such a blanket statement made by fans of one series. It's even funnier when the older series is accused of ripping off the newer one. Though I know both Buffy the series and Animorphs came out almost around the same time.

[TobiasMasonPark]

     Visser Three: We've done it. We've taken over Earth. Now we may do all the things we alien invaders talk about doing once we've invaded a planet!

     Tom: Set up a factory of women to produce offspring to use as hosts? Then raise those offspring to be devoid of emotion?

     Visser Three: No.

     Chapman: Set up a secret police force to weed out an crush any resisting forces?

     Visser Three: No.

      Esplin 9466 Lesser: Eat all the delicious, delicious Yeerks we can get our hands on?

      Visser Three: Woah, Woah, Woah. What exactly do you think we're here for, boys? Canibalism? Secret police? You make us sound like...invaders.

     Tom: So what did you have in mind?

     Visser Three: We shall continue to take humans as hosts, and attend their work places and schools. We shall raise families and work to support them; beginning each day with coffee and a newspaper, and ending each day with dinner on front of the television, watching American Idol and So You think you can dance? after a gut bursting episode of the Big Bang Theory. Those Yeerks in old host bodies wil continue to complain about work, menstruation and hair loss, while those in adolescent bodies will chase after females in a pathetic attempt to lose their virginities, and ask the age old questions of why hair is growing where there wasn't hair before, and why they have such inexplicable urges.

     Tom: So...you want us to continue to do what we've been doing?

     Visser Three: Well, why else would aliens who are capable of faster than light travel be interested in Earth?

     Chapman: I suppose that makes sense.

     Visser Three. And we will eat Yeerks Delicious, delicious Yeerks.

[Blazing Angel]

That's actually highly in character for everyone.