Things the Animorphs (and other characters) would never say

[NateSean]

Darker, less humorous one here. This thread may not be the right place for this, but I feel this topic needs a shot in the arm, yeah?

No argument there. My well's been dry for a while.

But wow. This easily makes it into my top ten and gets you a well deserved third karma point.

[Blazing Angel]

I'm pretty dry myself....

[yunyun]

Darker, less humorous one here. This thread may not be the right place for this, but I feel this topic needs a shot in the arm, yeah?


[spoiler=Spoilers]*Cassie becomes aware of her surroundings. She stands in the wasteland that used to be her hometown, the landscape dominated by a massive Yeerk Pool. She also seems to be unable to control her own movements*

Cassie: What? Where am I?

Terlin: <<Oh, you're... cognizant. I was wondering if this would ever happen. Welcome to Earth, I suppose. The new seat of the great and powerful Yeerk Empire.>>

Cassie: Who... are you...?

Terlin: <<Of course. How rude of me. I am known as Terlin 415 of the Sulp Niar pool, but you can call me Sub-Visser 9. I've been making great use of your body these past five years. Your morphing powers are... interesting.>>

Cassie: What? No! No no no! Get out of my head!

Terlin: <<If you were going to fight me, little girl, you should have done it five years ago. My hold over you is much too strong now.>>

Cassie: Get out get out GET OUT!!

Terlin: *laughs*

*after a few moments*

Cassie: ... five years? I... I can't remember... what happened?

Terlin: <<I love this part. This happened to my last host too>> *laughs*

Cassie: Please... just tell me...

Terlin: <<You remember that first time you were at the Yeerk Pool? How you were captured and herded along like the livestock that you are? How you were brought to the infestation pier? You were infested that day, Cassie. Given to me.>>

Cassie: Liar. My friends rescued me and you know it.

Terlin: *laughs* <<This is the good part. The shock of being infested was too much to bear. Losing control of your own body wasn't something you were able to process. It happens to some hosts. Your mind created a sort of... fantasy world for you to live in. You've been delirious for five years, Cassikins. Living inside a world of your creation. A world that only you and I could see.>>

Cassie: *furious* You're lying!This is one of the Ellimist's tricks!

Terlin: <<The Ellimist... now that was a creative one. Where'd you come up with him, I wonder? In any case, no, he's nothing more than a figment of your imagination.>>

Cassie: Jake will come for me! You'll see, and when he does...

Terlin: <<Jake was cut down by the Visser the same day you were infested. Poor boy's five years in the ground now. He certainly made a good attempt at a rescue. For a human.>>

Cassie: ... What about Marco? Tobias? Rachel?

Terlin: *feigning sadness* <<All dead, I'm afraid.>>

Cassie: ... Ax too?

Terlin: *laughs* <<Oh, right, your little Andalite friend. He's not real, Cassie. Did you really think you could hear a voice calling out to you from beneath the ocean? I'm afraid you made Aximili up entirely. Elfangor was the last Andalite on Earth, excepting the Visser's host.>>

Cassie: But all my morphs... I remember them all... every sensation...

Terlin: <<The perfect escape for a mind like yours, really. That Andalite fool had given you the morphing power. You knew how it felt to see your body change, to become a horse. You've always been fond of animals. Making up sensations for animals you knew was a great way to occupy your time.>>

Cassie: No. No no no! This isn't right! The Andalites came! We won! We won the war! Your Visser is awaiting trial! It's over!

Terlin: <<The conquest couldn't have been smoother.>>

Cassie: No! No! No! This is a trick!

Terlin: <<Cassie, think. People do not travel to the time of dinosaurs. Microscopic aliens do not shrink people to the size of a pinhead. And a handful of children do not topple an empire. You know this, deep down inside.>>

Cassie: *sobbing* No! No! No!

Terlin: *looking around the landscape* <<Cassie, look around you. Your world is finished. This is a Yeerk place now. No room for your human sentimentality. You can't control your arms. You can't control your legs.>>
"You can't even control your own voice."

Cassie: No! Get out! Get out!

Terlin: *bored* <<I think I liked you better before. You were much less whiny.>>

Cassie: I want to go back! I want to see Jake again!

Terlin: <<By all means. Please do.>>

*Cassie seems to feel herself falling... falling... falling... until finally she sits up in bed, late at night. After a few moments, she gets up, walks over the the phone, and dials*

Jake: *groggily* "Hello?"

Cassie: "It's me."

Jake: "Cassie? What do you want?"

Cassie: "Just wanted to hear your voice. I had the most awful dream."

*Terlin, or possibly someone else, can be heard laughing*[/spoiler]

All I really want to know, is which one's real?

[Underseen]

Lumy, that was actually really amazing.

[Ash]

*shudder*

Right in the feels.

[NateSean]

*On the Arn ship*

Cassie: (Narrating) The Arn's ship wasn't the best way to travel. It's hard enough peeing in a toilet made for Hork-Bajir, but try doing it with an audience.

Marco: (Off screan) Ax! Eyes forward!
Ax: (Ax) Forgive me Marco. I was performing the, uh, Andalite Eye Stretch ritual.

[Blazing Angel]

Jake: Okay we've agreed to start a tribute band, but nobody can agree who it's a tribute to.
Marco: Twisted sister is the way to go.
Cassie: Toto.
Rachel: How can you guys not like Pat Benatar?
Tobias: I like my chemical romance.
Ax: I'm not moving from this spot until I get to be Elton John.

[Bealocwealm]

Taking this very literally; there seemed to be words that the narrators just weren't allowed to say, even as they discussed the things the words describe.

[spoiler]Tobias: Looking back on it now, I can't believe that, in my first week trapped as a hawk, I tried to commit suicide.
Rachel: WHAT?!
Tobias: ... you... didn't catch that, somehow?
Rachel: No, I mean, we don't say that word!
Tobias: ... suicide?
Rachel: STOP IT THIS IS A CHILDREN'S SERIES YA FICTION ISN'T A THING YET
Tobias: What are you talking about, children's series? We KILL people! One of us gets disembowled or loses a limb like every battle!
Rachel: No, that's fine, though. We morph out, so nothing's permanent.
Tobias: But sometimes the damage is permanent! What about, I dunno, Mertil?
Rachel: Who?
Tobias: Remember? Gafinilan and Mertil? The andalites? The gay coup--
Rachel: YOU CANNOT SAY IT IN SO MANY WORDS
Tobias: OH COME ON GAFINILAN HAD SPACE AIDS.
Rachel: LA LA LA LA LA IT'S A CHILDREN'S SERIES
Tobias: But main characters die! Violently!
Rachel: No they don't!
Tobias: Oh, yeah, I guess YOU wouldn't know...
Rachel: ... what[/spoiler]

[Cookie]

Darker, less humorous one here. This thread may not be the right place for this, but I feel this topic needs a shot in the arm, yeah?


[spoiler=Spoilers]*Cassie becomes aware of her surroundings. She stands in the wasteland that used to be her hometown, the landscape dominated by a massive Yeerk Pool. She also seems to be unable to control her own movements*

Cassie: What? Where am I?

Terlin: <<Oh, you're... cognizant. I was wondering if this would ever happen. Welcome to Earth, I suppose. The new seat of the great and powerful Yeerk Empire.>>

Cassie: Who... are you...?

Terlin: <<Of course. How rude of me. I am known as Terlin 415 of the Sulp Niar pool, but you can call me Sub-Visser 9. I've been making great use of your body these past five years. Your morphing powers are... interesting.>>

Cassie: What? No! No no no! Get out of my head!

Terlin: <<If you were going to fight me, little girl, you should have done it five years ago. My hold over you is much too strong now.>>

Cassie: Get out get out GET OUT!!

Terlin: *laughs*

*after a few moments*

Cassie: ... five years? I... I can't remember... what happened?

Terlin: <<I love this part. This happened to my last host too>> *laughs*

Cassie: Please... just tell me...

Terlin: <<You remember that first time you were at the Yeerk Pool? How you were captured and herded along like the livestock that you are? How you were brought to the infestation pier? You were infested that day, Cassie. Given to me.>>

Cassie: Liar. My friends rescued me and you know it.

Terlin: *laughs* <<This is the good part. The shock of being infested was too much to bear. Losing control of your own body wasn't something you were able to process. It happens to some hosts. Your mind created a sort of... fantasy world for you to live in. You've been delirious for five years, Cassikins. Living inside a world of your creation. A world that only you and I could see.>>

Cassie: *furious* You're lying!This is one of the Ellimist's tricks!

Terlin: <<The Ellimist... now that was a creative one. Where'd you come up with him, I wonder? In any case, no, he's nothing more than a figment of your imagination.>>

Cassie: Jake will come for me! You'll see, and when he does...

Terlin: <<Jake was cut down by the Visser the same day you were infested. Poor boy's five years in the ground now. He certainly made a good attempt at a rescue. For a human.>>

Cassie: ... What about Marco? Tobias? Rachel?

Terlin: *feigning sadness* <<All dead, I'm afraid.>>

Cassie: ... Ax too?

Terlin: *laughs* <<Oh, right, your little Andalite friend. He's not real, Cassie. Did you really think you could hear a voice calling out to you from beneath the ocean? I'm afraid you made Aximili up entirely. Elfangor was the last Andalite on Earth, excepting the Visser's host.>>

Cassie: But all my morphs... I remember them all... every sensation...

Terlin: <<The perfect escape for a mind like yours, really. That Andalite fool had given you the morphing power. You knew how it felt to see your body change, to become a horse. You've always been fond of animals. Making up sensations for animals you knew was a great way to occupy your time.>>

Cassie: No. No no no! This isn't right! The Andalites came! We won! We won the war! Your Visser is awaiting trial! It's over!

Terlin: <<The conquest couldn't have been smoother.>>

Cassie: No! No! No! This is a trick!

Terlin: <<Cassie, think. People do not travel to the time of dinosaurs. Microscopic aliens do not shrink people to the size of a pinhead. And a handful of children do not topple an empire. You know this, deep down inside.>>

Cassie: *sobbing* No! No! No!

Terlin: *looking around the landscape* <<Cassie, look around you. Your world is finished. This is a Yeerk place now. No room for your human sentimentality. You can't control your arms. You can't control your legs.>>
"You can't even control your own voice."

Cassie: No! Get out! Get out!

Terlin: *bored* <<I think I liked you better before. You were much less whiny.>>

Cassie: I want to go back! I want to see Jake again!

Terlin: <<By all means. Please do.>>

*Cassie seems to feel herself falling... falling... falling... until finally she sits up in bed, late at night. After a few moments, she gets up, walks over the the phone, and dials*

Jake: *groggily* "Hello?"

Cassie: "It's me."

Jake: "Cassie? What do you want?"

Cassie: "Just wanted to hear your voice. I had the most awful dream."

*Terlin, or possibly someone else, can be heard laughing*[/spoiler]

That was incredible.

[TobiasMasonPark]

     I present to you: "If the Animorphs were written by Joss Whedon."*

     Enter Rachel, blonde, gorgeous, but smart and in no way like the dumb blondes seen in 90s sitcoms, lit, etc. She is alone, hunting for something...Hunting for Yeerks!

     Rachel: Man, I am so self-aware right now. It is pretty ridiculous how self aware. Casual pop culture reference.

     Suddenly, a noise: someone is in the bushes...Rachel pulls out her stake...er...starts to morph Grizzly before the figure makes himself known

     Ax: (dressed as best as he can in a scholarly suit) Erm...sorry to frighten you. Just wanted to make sure that your reflexes were sharp.

     Rachel: Me, frightened? Another casual pop culture reference.

     Ax: You know how much I tire of those.

     Marco and Cassie appear

     Ax: And where were you two? You are supposed to be watching Rachel's back! She is, after all, the Chosen one...

     Marco: Snarky response.

     Cassie: I've decided to explore my sexuality and have decided that I'm gay now.

     Enter Tobias, dressed in all black

     Tobias: Sorry, I almost didn't show up. I've been brooding again.

     Enter David dressed the same as Tobias

     David: I, too was brooding...but cooler.

     Cassie: Have I mentioned that I'm gay now? Also, I'm a witch.

     Rachel: A witch? That's not our genre. Also, I support you in your new found sexuality.

     Ax: This is quite extraordinary. Here's a book I have explaining Willow's...er...Cassie's magic-- because clearly everything that happens in the supernatural or natural world has been written down in this here book written in Latin--one of the 150 languages I understand, luckily.

     David: Rachel, I love you. Tobias is a wank. Date me.

     Marco: META META META META! Pop culture, pop culture!

     Cassie: I'm a lesbian!

     Jake: I haven't gotten a single line in this whole thing.

     Ax: Erm...quite...fathe rly advice. British words. I'm the mentor.




*I love Joss and his work--especially Buffy and Cabin in the Woods. This parody will be based off of Buffy, Angel, and Cabin particularly, as those are the one's I've seen start to finish. Have yet to get to Firefly, though I have the DVD set. Nor have I seen Dollhouse.

[NateSean]

Firefly will be an interesting one.

[Adam]

Visser Three: Wait, no... That plan won't work.

[TobiasMasonPark]

     Marco: (morphed as a sea sponge) Are you ready kids?

     Rachel: (morphed as a starfish) Have I mentioned how dumb this is?

     Tobias: (morphed as a squid) Let's just get this over with!

     Rachel: Why did I agree to this?

     Marco: Because I said I'd tell Tobias that you and I kissed that one time if you didn't.

     Rachel: OK! So on the count of three?

     Jake: (morphed as a crab, scuttling in) Sorry we're late.

     Cassie: (morphed as a squirrel) Are we all here?

     Marco: Sweet. On the count of three. One, two, three...

     All: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

     Ax: (once the song has ended; clap his hands excitedly) That was wonderful! Marco, you looked especially adorable in the tiny square pants that I've sown or you!

     Tobias: Wait...did someone say something about Rachel kissing Marco?

[TobiasMasonPark]

     Ellimist: Crayak, we have a problem.

     Crayak: I swear, Pompeii was like that when I left!
     
     Ellimist: No, no. Visser Four has stolen the time matrix.

     Crayak: The one Elfangor hid on the planet Visser Four has probably never visited before, in a place that the Yeerks found him many years afterwards--not knowing the significance of why he'd go there or even the existence of the time Matrix to begin with?

     Ellimist: No, no. The other time matrix.

     Crayak: Oh dear. Well, we can't have someone meddling with the timeline. Man, I hate when people do that.

     Ellimist: Exactly! If we do nothing, then all the time and effort we spent ensuring the success of Justin Beiber and the Kardashians would have been for not!

     Crayak: We must therefore summon earth's mightiest heroes--the Animorphs!

     (After the Animorphs defeat Visser Four)

     Crayak: Holy crap! That was harsh!

     Ellimist: I know! Completely eliminating someone from existence, so nobody has memory of that person? These are our heroes?! They're practically murderers!

     Crayak: They're almost as bad as Hitler.

     Ellimist: No, worse. Hitler failed to kill all the Jews. The Animorphs destroyed ALL OF THE DINOSAURS AND THE MECORA! And...look! In just twenty or so books, they use poor disabled children as cannon fodder!

     Crayak: Suddenly that David kid doesn't look so bad, now does he?

     Ellimist: You know what? I think I'm just gonna root for the Yeerks from now on.

     Ted Moseby: And THAT, kids, is how I met your mother.

     Kid 1: What the hell did any of that have to do with anything?!

     Ted: I really got bored of the old story, actually, so came up with some stuff about Neil Patrick Harris trying to find his dad, and...well, I really like the Animorphs. Also, I'm Bob Saget for some reason.

[TobiasMasonPark]

     (During the events of the Solution; two Controllers find Jake morphed as a tiger at the mall, unconscious)

     Controller 1: Woah. Wounded tiger...
 
     Controller 2: Looks like it fell from the roof!

     Controller 1: Definitely an Andalite Bandit. We should kill it now, or go to Visser Three.

     Controller 2: Yes. We should do that.

     Ellimist and Crayak are watching

     Crayak: Looks like the Animorphs are in trouble now.

     Ellimist: Now worries. I got this.

     Controller 1: Who the hell are you?

     Obi Wan Kenobi: These are not the Andalites you are looking for.

     Controller 1: These aren't the Andalites we are looking for.

     Obi Wan: You will go back to the Yeerk Pool, not questioning today's events.

     Controller 1: We will go back to the Yeerk Pool, not questioning today's events.

     Obi Wan: And help yourself to some Instant Maple and Ginger Oatmeal.

     Controller One: And help myself to some Instant Maple and Ginger Oatmeal.