Things the Animorphs (and other characters) would never say

[Darth Zakryn]

Here's a cool one.

Marco: Are you kidding? Spiderman would totally anihilate -
WHOOM WHOOM WHOOM
(A DeLorean comes flying out of nowhere.)
Marco: Whoa! What is that?!
Jake: I don't ****ing know!
Marco: Oh God, it's not Yeerks, is it?
Jake: Run away!
(They do so. Doc Brown gets out of the DeLorean and looks around.)
Brown: Great Scott! This isn't the year I was aiming for.
Marty: Hey Doc, where are we?
Brown: Never mind, Marty.
(He gets back in and bangs on the time board.)
Brown: Damn, gotta fix that thing.

XD

[Aquilai]

Harry is in the Chamber of Secrets running from the Basilisk. Tom Riddle is sitting down eating some sweets.

Rachel: Tobias, it's not that I don't appreciate you getting me things.
Tobias: <What Rachel? Us hawks share our food with people we care about!>
Rachel: Look I just don't like rat the same way you do.

Jake: Marco, this doesn't look like the way to the Yeerk Pool. Let's take a break here.
Tom Riddle: Who are you?
Marco: No I'm sure it's this way. Hi, we're looking for some slugs that like to control your thoughts and actions.
Harry: DON'T STARE INTO IT'S EYES!
Tom Riddle: Nope I only have a book that does that.
Jake: Maybe we should just surrender to the Yeerks tomorrow.
Marco: Look Jake. We're already down here. Are you chicken, again?
Jake: I just wanted to morph one to see what it would be like. Besides it was a rooster.
Harry (ducks from the Basilisk's tail): You can transfigure into a chicken?
Jake: Sorry to have bothered you. We seem to have taken the wrong turn.
Tom Riddle: No problem the exit is that way on the right.
Harry (jumps): Quick become a chicken!
Jake: No! I can't help crowing when I become one!
Harry (stumbles): But-
Jake: NO!

Ax (human form): Ooh those look nice.
Tom Riddle: Oh they're Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. Want one?
Ax: Thanks.
*cutaway scene with Ax in wonderland*

Harry continues running in the background
Cassie: That's a nice snake you have there?
Tom Riddle: Yes it's quite old now.
Cassie: We've cared for a few too.
Harry: WILL SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE ME!
Marco: See Batman would have a cave like this.
Jake: Yeah large and roomy. He'd have a lot of practice getting his ass beat by Spiderman.
Tom Riddle: You guys are great. I haven't had company here in a few decades.
Rachel: You don't look a day over 15! What's your secret?
Tom Riddle: Muggle killing. Dark magic. Occasional flirting with purebloods.
Rachel jots down notes.
Visser 3: This isn't the Blade ship!
Looks at the Basilisk and drops dead.
Jake: Marco! How are we going to surrender now? Where's Tobias?
Also dead from looking at the Basilisk. Jake looks at Rachel.
Jake: Ook no one tell her and we'll say he needed some time off.

Ax: Do you have more?
Tom Riddle (laughs): Want to see a magic trick?
Ax: Sure.
Tom Riddle pulls out cinnamon buns from the Sorting Hat.
Ax: Zero space storage of human delights!
Tom Riddle (astonished): You know about zero space?! Finally someone who recognises the technological breakthrough of non-hand wavy magic! Want to join my club? You get a nice tat!
Ax: My skin has space to rent!

Meanwhilst, Hork Bajir are storming the Chee hideout.
Toby: What do we want?
Hork Bajir: Peeless trees!
Toby: When do we want it?
Hork Bajir: Now!
Erek: Look our morals prevent us from becoming violent but our dogs need to mark their territory!
Lupin: Damn right!
Erek: Quiet you! Or we'll send you back to that forest!
Lupin: Werewolves need their spaces too!
Erek: OUT!

[Darth Zakryn]

Lol a little OOC randomness to liven up my day... any more Back to the Future ones?

[Aluminator (Kit)]

I might throw together another true crossover one when inspiration strikes. In the meantime...

*Visser 3 is standing in the middle of the Yeerk Pool complex. The Animorphs are huddled behind a storage shed at the outer edge. The Visser knows they are there, but doesn't realize that they're human*

Visser 3: <Ah, the Andalite bandits, here in the Yeerk pool again. This time, however, you will not escape, because this time, I have coated the walls with powdered sugar! Furthermore, there are ants in my pants, and bees in my knees, I am told! If you could have seen...> *continues monologuing*

Ax: <We must escape. We cannot fight whatever giant alien creature the Visser will not shut up about becoming.>

Marco: Hey, no worries. I got this. *begins morphing something*

Rachel: Ax, chill. The guy's an idiot. A few slick moves and we're out of here like normal.

Tobias: <No, Rach, I'm with Ax. We can only have so many near-death experiences before one of us actually kicks the bucket. With our luck, it will probably come in some sort of preventable situation just before we're all clear and the war ends.>

Rachel: Pff. Wake up, Tobias. We're the good guys. That basically means we're all guaranteed happy endings.

Marco: Ready!

Jake: You morphed a little boy?

Marco: Oh yeah. Time to go kick some Yeerk butt. *Begins walking towards the Visser, cracking his fingers*

Visser 3: *stops mid-monologue* <What is this trick? I think I have the perfect morph for this occasion! I will burn you and slice you and dice you!>

Jake *muttering*: Sounds like my mom's cooking...

Marco: Really? You're going to fight me?

Visser 3: <You are an Andalite bandit. It is what must be done.>

Marco: Come on, man, I'm like, what, four years old?

Visser 3: <Probably closer to ten.>

Marco: Ohh, big difference. So you're going to beat up a ten-year-old and that's going to make you feel like some big, powerful villain?

Visser 3: <I... I guess not. Would you mind returning to your Andalite form?>

Marco: *shakes head* Not gonna do it.

Visser 3: <Then it appears we are at an impasse.>

Marco: Yep. I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains. And charm.

Visser 3: <You're that smart?>

Marco: Let me put it this way. Ever heard of Plato? Aristotle? Socrates?

Visser 3: <Who?>

Marco: Morons.

Visser 3: <Wait, go back. I'm an alien. Totally didn't get who those were.>

Marco: I believe our only chance now is a battle of wits.

Visser 3: <Seriously, this makes very little sense right now. I mean, I take it that those were smart people you just named, but how does any of this follow logically?>

Marco: To the death.

Visser 3: <Whatever. Let's just do this.>

Marco: *nods* Good. Then pour the wine.

Visser 3: <You're like four years old!>

Marco: Probably closer to ten. Pour it!

Visser 3: <This is absurd.> *pours one goblet and one bowl of wine*

Marco: Now, I'm going to add poison to only one of the containers of wine. The contest ends when you choose one, and we both drink.

Visser 3: <I am so lost. How did I get roped into this?>

*Marco walks over to the table and pulls something from his pocket, then turns his back towards the Visser, facing the wine. The Visser leans over, trying to get a glmpse of what's going on with his stalk eyes. Marco uses the taser he's just pulled from his pocket to tase the Visser into a twitching mess on the floor.*

Visser 3: <That is very clearly not poison!>

*the rest of the Animorphs cheer*

Visser 3: <Don't tase me, bro!>

Marco: *evil laugh, continued tasering*

Visser 3: <Aren't we at the Yeerk pool!? There should be literally thousands of other Controllers here! Why isn't anyone helping me!?>

[Blazing Angel]

that had so many references that my mind couldnt handle it

[Darth Zakryn]

And my head a splode from sheer awesome.

[warren_bearclaw]

Alloran: <I used to be an Andalite like you, but then I took a slug to the brain...>

[Blazing Angel]

That is so overdone!

[warren_bearclaw]

Doesn't matter...



Got karma!

[Darth Zakryn]

Tobias: <****, you fat!>
Jake: "Load up my gun, we're going Yeerk hunting!"
Rachel: "Screw this, I'm moving to the Caribbean."
Marco: "Ah, **** this! I'm going to go make some money before the world ends!"
Cassie: "Hmm, maybe I should get a career in computer analysis..."
Ax: <What is this human obsession with premated pairing rituals?>

(Okay, I admit, that last one kind of sounds like something Ax'd say, but it's just so fun to write. )

[Blazing Angel]

My name is Robert. For three years I wrote war journals that clearly stated that I could have been lying about my name. My best friend, Andrew, my cousin Brenda, my girlfirend Sharrel, and some kid named Fred helped me fight alien invaders.

[TobiasMasonPark]

     Esplin 9466: Look at this pool? Isn't bittersweet? Would you say that this place isn't neat?
                         Wouldn't you say that this Yeerk, is missing everything?
                         I want to be, where the Andalites are, I want to see, want to see them running
                         Galloping around on those--what do you call them? Oh yea, Hooves.
                         Swimming this pool you only get so far; tail blade required for cutting, fighting
                         Looking around with those--what are they called? Eyes.
                         Up where they graze, up where they run, up where they hang around in the sun
                         Wandering free, wish I could be, part of their world...

                         :'(


     Edriss: "You've got a friend in me..."

[Darth Zakryn]

CHAPMAN: Sub-vissers. We don't need their scum. Those Andalites won't escape us.
TOM: Yes, sir.
VISSER: There will be a substantial reward for the one who finds the Jahar. You are free to use any methods necessary, but I want them alive. No disintegrations.
TAYLOR: As you wish.
CHAPMAN: Visser Three! Visser, we have them!

[Pippi]

Rachel: Am I the only one who thinks this is insane and sucidal?

Cassie: Lets do it!

[XtheoniongirlX]

Visser Three: "Oh, right. My mistake."