Hey, y'all. I was hoping for a little feedback on my fanfic #55: The Following (http://animorphsforum.com/index.php?topic=10456.msg845925). Basically, I'm looking to see if you think everything is in character, the dialogue isn't wacky, scenes are coherent (for as long as they're meant to be), and the symbolism isn't too heavy-handed.
Compliments, complaints, critiques and comments are all welcome.
I think you're doing an amazing job so far! Putting my review under a spoiler, it got... pretty long.
[spoiler]Small nitpicks:
I am unsure if Menderash is able to use thought-speak as a human nothlit, but because canon is a bit shaky in that regard with the books retconning it and then bringing it back again, I can accept it. It could be that since it's a
morph for Andalites, then that means that perhaps only they can use thought-speak in human morph, while a
demorphed human cannot thought-speak?
I love including bits of how you interpret the newer characters' appearances, I like knowing how others imagine them! However, I'd change "Asian features" as it may be a bit too vague of a descriptor. It's the difference between imagining facial features that are common in places like China, or Saudi Arabia, or Siberia, or India, and so on.
Other than that, I can't think of any criticisms at the moment!
General review:
Honestly, it's one of the best Book 55 fics I've read! Marco, Tobias, and Jake, to me, all seem in character given the circumstances that they've found themselves in. And I'm beyond pleased whenever authors take up the challenge of fleshing out minor characters like this. It's sadly very rare, and unfortunately more common for fics to turn them into mere background characters or to just get rid of them. I'm impressed by your interpretation of Menderash's character, creating so much out of the little information and cues we were given of his character. I like the little details you add also, with him being hesitant to climb down (The Fay Wray comment was perfect, very Marco), or the part about only agreeing to wear clothing because of pockets (I hope no one tells him about backpacks). I'm very excited to see how you flesh out Jeanne and Santorelli as well, if/when you do!
Tobias must have been feeling isolated through his perspective because everyone keeps trying to convince him to be on good terms with Jake before he's fully moved on. Sounds pretty accurate, actually. Tobias is very sensitive, and it seems like the insensitive collective
want from everyone to make him get over it and bring him back with the rest of the group would grate on him enough to push himself further away. It's definitely an understandable thing for post-book-54 Tobias to feel and react, in my opinion. I think you're doing a great job with his character.
I also felt it made sense that Tobias would not even become close with Menderash. It's definitely possible that Tobias felt uncomfortable about how it all 'hit too close to home' and he may not know how to deal with being someone that Menderash could confide in about adjusting to life as a nothlit. Menderash tentatively trying to open up to Tobias this whole time but Tobias not being receptive made a lot of sense for Tobias' character and it was really sad. I'm glad they were able to have a small moment about that though.
Marco is analytical and
gets things the quickest here, as is true to his character. I'm glad that he takes up a much more active role as opposed to only being the comedic relief/chronic whiner of the group. Marco is often a pretty hard character to get down just right, but I think you're doing well. It is hard to tell completely until he's given more 'screen time', though. I loved that Santorelli nicknamed him 'Hollywood', hah.
Jake seems to have been stretched too thin, and after being targeted too! I think it makes sense he'd snap quite a bit, especially without anyone to de-escalate him like Cassie used to. He has no idea how to talk to Tobias at all anymore, it's like Jake's behavior is a reaction to Tobias' behavior, which is a reaction to Jake's behavior, etc. A very realistic outcome from all that's happened, given that they've been cooped up in The Rachel together, and Tobias has not been able to fly in the open air or hunt for nearly a year or so. The animosity and short-fuses between them is at this point very in character, I think.
The dialogue, scenes, symbolism, all of it flows very well and feels very natural to me -- as natural as they can be given the dream sequences of course. I liked the deja vu aspect in their dreams, repeating lines without realizing it, it felt very dream-like.[/spoiler]
I think your fic is good stuff, I'm going to keep it tracked for more updates!
