Thanks, Ye Olde Chronicler.
Now new book.
BOOK LVII:
End of Time
Chapter One:
A Meticulous Analysis of History
Some time has passed after the Unimind fiasco, Malice was pouring over human history books. Some lively music played, and she sang as she schemed:
"Through meticulous analysis of history
I will find a way to make the people worship me.
By studying the conquerors of days gone by,
I'll discover the mistakes that made them go awry."
Mega Maul sang:
"So that you can make the same mistakes if you just try."
Malice glowered for a second or two, before continuing:
"By studying the past so carefully,
I won't repeat the same mistakes of history."
"You'll never make another mistake, you see,
'Cause you'll fall asleep from reading all that history."
Malice snarled, "Pay attention, Mega Maul!
When Cleopatra reigned as Queen,
With Roman leaders she was often seen.
But when she had no ruling friend,
She found a poison snake to bite her in the end."
"A bite down there I really wouldn't recommend."
"I won't need world alliances,
When I'm commanding everyone's appliances."
"Oh no, Malice, that would really smart,
To be bitten on the bottom by a Cuisinart."
"Yorick, this book confirms,
Tried conquering RAF with pachyderms.
Just why he failed, nobody tells,
But he never could get past the RAFian sentinels."
"And he couldn't find his weapons in the peanut shells."
"An elephant is not required,
If I can use the media to be admired."
"The TV viewers you'll delight,
Unless the network puts your show late at night."
"Attila was a mighty Hun,
He ransacked Asia Minor just for fun.
But when he got to Europe's banks,
He was routed by an army of heroic Franks."
"I like mine with onions and ketchup, thanks."
"Why pillage like a criminal,
When I can send out messages subliminal."
"Please send a message to that Hun,
To see if he can pillage me a hot dog bun."
Malice grit her teeth momentarily before plunging forward:
"Aloth was no boy scout,
He did things that I won't even talk about.
The RAFians knew he'd lost his head,
When he tried filled a vacant admin seat with Mr. Ed."
"What's wrong with being friendly with a thoroughbred?"
"Why rule like such a reprobate,
When I can put the world in a hypnotic state?"
"And when everybody's in a trance,
You can make the people do a stupid dance."
Malice grabbed Mega Maul, by the throat, and pulled him down to eye level. "Meha Maul, if you don't stop this foolishness, I shall have to . . .
hurt you."
"'Kay." Mega Maul said.
Then Malice released him and continued her song adaptation.
"In France, Napoleon Buonaparte,
Thought beating Austria was very smart.
But when he took on England too,
He was beaten up by Wellington at Waterloo.
"And now he is a pastry filled with gooey goo."
Malice actually smirked at that.
"Why conquer with depravity,
I'll win the world by undermining gravity."
"And even if your plan falls through,
Maybe they will name a pastry after you."
Malice seemed to sincerely consider that, before continuing.
"From Kangaskhan to Charlemagne,
From Alexander down to Tamburlaine.
I find a ruler's tragic flaw,
And gain a little wisdom out of each faux pas.
"Don't forget all the Bieber arrest hoohah."
Malice gave Mega Maul a look that plan said,
who the Veil is this Bieber?, before continuing:
"That concludes my little rhyme,
I hope this lesson wasn't just a waste of time."
Mega Maul sang:
"Well, Malice, I've learned that one thing's true,
Every one of them has failed, and so have you."
Malice replied drily, "Gee, thank you for your vote of confidence. Now come, we must prepare for the next fortnight."
Mega Maul asked, "Why, what are we going to do the next fortnight? Sing a song about all the world's cheeses?"
Malice responded, "No, Mega Maul, we shall try to take over the world—
Through meticulous analysis of history!"