Memoirs of a RAFian

[Cloak]

New chapter.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN:
Findings

Cloak could not rouse them. It was almost as if their minds were wiped. Why? Why were they like this? They didn't have Marks, they didn't benefit from its protections, albeit somewhat flawed protections.

Cloak kept trying before it became clear that it was not working, that this endeavor was fruitless and pointless to persist in it. But he wasn't about to leave here, this ludicrous and economically-dubious Bureau of Lost, without his fellow RAFians. As far as he was concerned, they were still RAFians, as they only took a leave of absence. They weren't Banned or denounced their membership, they were just merely retired, if anything.

Whatever the problem was, Cloak was going to require another perspective. Fortunately, he knew that the RAFians -- the ones he came down he with -- were around here in the Bureau somewhere.

Cloak inhaled deeply, and unleashed a roar. It was a tiger's roar, and could be heard for a two-mile radius. But then he thought that that wasn't the best of ideas. They probably wouldn't be able to find him by sound. At least, not by a single roar, at least.

He decided that a visual cue might have been more prudent. He generated a powerful golden-scarlet orb of energy, that overpowered the dim blue light with its golden-scarlet light. The orb eventually elongated and twisted itself into the RAFian "R". It would be a beacon for the RAFians to assemble to.

Or he hoped so.

***

Hunter was still mulling over their motives. He filled his mind with with thise aimless thoughts that pretended to have purpose, just so he wouldn't think about all those taxidermied animals or stunningly real mock-ups.

But his mind seemed resolute in dwelling on them, and he didn't know why. Perhaps it was his inner predator dwelling on potential prey? Great -- if it was, then his inner predator was stupid. They were dead and not for eating.

Hunter's ears picked up suddenly.

He had heard something, but it happened so suddenly but didn't last long enough for him to discern what it was. He thought it was a roar, but that couldn't be possible. Could it? Hunter supposed that it could have been Cloak, but why would he roar? Why would he need to?

The he saw Cloak's signal flare, and began to head in that direction immediately.

***

Helen was feeling sad about this lost loves, and found herself doing something she always did to make herself feel better. She thought of Parker, and everything else she loved. Then she spoke.

"For hearts long lost and full of fright . . ."

It wasn't working, sadness was building up, but, as love can be connected to sadness, it did not affect her ring. However, Helen rather not dwell in those feelings. Not in this place. Not here.

"For those alone in blackest night . . ."

Yes, she was reminding herself that love lost, while still a terrible thing, does happen, but it does not mean that it'll always happen to her. She was a Star Sapphire. She was a guardian of love, a wielder of the violet light . . .

"Accept our ring and join our fight."

Was that a roar? Nah. Couldn't be.

"Love conquers all -- with violet light!"

She raised her ring fist to the sky, as some violrt light burst forth from it. Then she noticed Cloak little signal, and immediately flew there.

***

GH rewound and watched the video again, still trying to understand just what it was about. Just what in God's ne were they doing? And why were they doing it over and over again? It was a VHs taoe, and they didn't have a looping feature that DVDs did. The people in the video did it deliberately over again and again, until they could no longer do it. Why?

GH wasn't stupid, despite what some people may have thought of him. He didn't care about what they thought, though. That was immaterial, superfluous, and extraneous. He knew this video was evidence to something, but he didn't know what. Clearly, it was important for them to repeatedly do the song number . . . but GH couldn't think of a reason behind it that he found satisfactory.

And who were these people anyway? He felt as if he should know of them, but he didn't. It was just bound to drive him crazy if he didn't find out why he felt this way. He was so caught up in this thst he didn't notice Cloak's roar. But Cloak's flare grabbed his attention.

"What now?" he grunted irrtiably, as he popped out the tape and took it with him as he headed over to Cloak's location.

***

The blue light was still too dim for Dpsb's liking. He was feeling very moody about it, but it couldn't be helped, so why bother continuing to grouse about it? But, he had to admit, it was rather boring here. He should have picked another walkway, he decided.

He found himself hovering about a foot off the ground before he caught himself. He was most pleased when he hewrd Cloak's roar and saw his beacon. He flew up and over, and made a beeline straight for him.

***

Saffa, curiosity having gotten the better of her, decided to root around to see if there was a lost or forgotten plotline from a movie sequel she had thought of. But she discovered a portable DVD player, which was turned on. Inquisitive, she pressed the play button. . . .

"Who controls the council of the town?
Who keeps the secular system down?
We do, we do!
Who keeps Atlas off the maps?
Who keeps the corruption under wraps?
We do, we do!
Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Kanye West a star?
We do, we do!
Who scorns the alien blight?
Who rigs every awards night?
We do, we do!"

"So," Saffa said, "a full confessional of the Knights' many, many crimes. This is coming with me."

Then Saffa saw Cloak's flare.

"What fresh hell awaits now?" she wondered aloud.

[guitarhero01234]

GH wasn't stupid, despite what some people may have thought of him. He didn't care about what they thought, though. That was immaterial, superfluous, and extraneous.

You know, I think that's the first time I've seen my mindset actually put into words.

"What fresh hell awaits now?" she wondered aloud.

I feel like that's an Animorphs quote. Is that an Animorphs quote?

[Cloak]

"What fresh hell awaits now?" she wondered aloud.

I feel like that's an Animorphs quote. Is that an Animorphs quote?

Nope.

New chapter.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN:
RAFian Rendezvous

Cloak maintained the flare with practiced ease, waiting for the others to arrive. It began to occur to him that this might not only garner the attention of the others, but Hamstern might take notice of it as well.

But even if he did, what did matter? Hamstern wasn't a real threat. He could not keep them here. Not a chance. Not a chance in . . .

He glanced at the motionless forms of his friends. Did they really want to be here like this? Like mindless mannequins, like abandoned exosuits? He looked at each of them, with a solemn, stoic looks. How did they come to this place? Why didn't they leave? Surely, Hamstern couldn't stop them if they wanted out. Surely, they didn't want to languish here.

"What . . . ?" a wavering voice said. "What is this?"

"The reason that I had summoned you and the others here, Hunter."Cloak said, as Dpsb and Helen arrived and landed. Then he added, for Helen and Dpsb's benefit, "These are lost RAFians."

"They're creepy," Dpsb said, as GH arrived, carrying a black VHS tape for some reason.

"They don't have Marks," Helen observed, as Saffa strode up to them, carrying a silvery gray portable DVD player in her hands, with the cord wrapped around it.

"They were lost before the implementation of the Marks." Cloak said, ending the flare with a snap of his hands.

"Aw," Dpsb said, when the bright golden-scarlet light faded with the beacon.

"Wait, I recognize some of these guys," GH said, as he went to examine Ken's prone form. The guitarist was silence as he considered. Then he eyes widened as he realized why he recognized. "It is them."

"Them? What d'you mean?" Dpsb said, at once.

GH held up the unlabeled VHS tape, "This. Is there a VCR and TV nearby?"

"No," Cloak answered.

"Oh," GH said, but he wasn't deterred. "Well, it showed these guys singing a song over and over again. Until collapsed from exhaustion . . ."

GH looked over to them again.

"We're sure they're alive, right?" he asked, very seriously.

"They live," Hunter said. "Cloak and I would have been able to smell if they had."

"And they would be decomposing right now as well if they were."

"Juet what do you think you're doing?" came a huffy voice.

[redtailedsaffa]

Busted.

[Cloak]

Yeah, just not in the way you think. And it looks like this book just might be longer than the requisite twenty chapters. . . .

New chapter.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN:
Confrontation

"Just what do you think that you are doing?" Hamstern's demanding voice was not what the RAFians wanted to hear at that particular moment. Cloak, in particular, rankled against being addressed as if he were a naughty child.

"What do we think we are doing?" Cloak said, his voice a soft, mincing tone. The other RAFians looked at each other, knowing that this was a warning sign, that Cloak was very near rage, though he managed to keep his emotions, his powers, in check. He repeated, "What do we think we're doing?"

Cloak approached Hamstern in a rather silkily menacing way. Greater men than the "misappropriation engineer" would have quailed under such intimidation. Cloak was furious, to be sure, but he was mastering that emotion so that his powers don't go out of control. He didn't have Shadow with him to help stem them.

"You c-c-can't attack me!" he said, slightly hysterical. "That'd be assault on a public official!"

"You're not a public anything," Saffa said, scornful. "No one knows what you're doing down here."

"I meant government official," Hamstern said, speaking very crosy to Saffa, but trying to keep distance between Cloak and himself.

"I can tell you're lying," Cloak growled quietly. "You're not affiliated with government at all, are you?"

"I am!!! I am!!!" he shrieked incessantly.

"Liar," Cloak said, voice soft but dangerous. "You just arbitrarily decided to kidnap RAFians, did you?"

"I didn't kidnap anyone!"

"You didn't let them leave, did you?" Helen accused.

"Of course not! We can't risk our service being revealed!"

"That's kidnapping, pal." Hunter said.

"It is not!" Hamstern countered.

"Unlawful incarceration, then," Hunter amended.

"It is not, it --"

"I don't care how you rationalize it," Cloak snarled. "What, in the name of the First Light, did you DO TO THEM?!"

"I didn't do any--"

"Don't lie to me, Hamstern," Cloak warned. "Speak the truth."

"I am!"

Cloak growled, to allow him to realize Cloak meant business. Cloak was tempted to left the man to his eye level, at least two or three feet off the ground for him. Hamstern was seriously irritating him.

"Now . . . answer the question. Do not lie. I will know."

[redtailedsaffa]

How has he not fainted yet?

[Cloak]

Like this . . .

And, yep, this book's gonna definitely be over twenty chapters.

New chapter.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN:
Lost Selves

"They came down here, they were lost," Hamstern said, looking close to fainting.

"Faint, and I'll eat you," Cloak bluffed.

Hamstern gulped, then ploughed ahead with his narrative. "They wanted to leave, but I couldn't allow it. I have the only way out, only my living biometrics allow anyone to go topside. Only Al is topside --"

"Don't get sidetracked," Hunter said.

"Well, they did want to stay here, and I couldn't allow our services being known. I c-couldn't allow it." Hamstern said, quailing a bit under the look Cloak gave him. "Th-th-they never attacked me, though. They just sang that stupid song, over and over and over and over again. Sang until they collapsed."

"Get to the point, Lodgepoole, I mean, Hamstern," Cloak said.

"Well, I couldn't have that. I couldn't work without that blasted noise," he said.

"Your work stealing," Helen said.

"I am not a thief!"

"You're taking things from people without their consent or knowledge," Dpsb said, "that happens to be the definition of stealing."

"That . . . that's an oversimplification!" Hamstern spluttered.

"That's a matter of debate," Saffa said.

"Get back to the explanation," Cloak said. "Stop the flowery speech."

"Flowery speech? What flowery speech?"

"Dylan, you're not helping," GH said, in a gentle rebuke.

"It was difficult -- nigh on impossible! -- to do my work with that incessant noise!! The noise, noise, noise!" Hamstern said, making his resemblance to the Grinch rather uncanny. "But I wiped from them what made them make the noise, once I did that, it was finally peaceful."

"You wiped their minds," GH assumed, eyes widening.

"They simply lost themselves," Hamstern answered smoothly, and suddenly he reminded Cloak more of Gilderoy Lockhart. He started to reach into his coat, speaking as he did so, "Which now, regrettably, you must --"

But he was swiftly disarmed by Cloak, as Hamstern's weapon was mostly metal. It looked like the memory-erasing gun from "Gravity Falls", only with a curlicue lightbulb instead of oblong one.

"Did you honestly think that I didn't know you had this on you?" Cloak said, with a slight sneer. "I was waiting to see if you had the gall to try to use it. You disappointed me, Hamstern."

"Cloak, you could have told us!" Hunter said.

"You have a weakness for the dramatic," Saffa sighed wearily.

[Cloak]

New chapter.

CHAPTER NINETEEN:
Memory Capsules

"Where are the memory capsules, Hamstern?"

"I dunno."

"Did you forget already?" Cloak growled. "I can tell when you are lying."

"I'm not lying!"

"Why continue this exercise in futility?" Cloak said. "Tell us where they are."

Hamstern babbled on a bit, revealing nothing.

"Stop your babbling!" Cloak scolded. "Tell us where they are!"

Hamstern seemed fretful, but then he something seemed to occur to him, and he calmed down. He began to turn, but before he could, Cloak stomped his right foot, and raised his fists in parallel uppercut motions. Hamstern found himself trapped in a hole in the ground, hands high enough to touch his cheeks but arms pinioned to his side, his shouldered haunched. There was no way he could free himself without help.

"Running away, Hamstern?" Cloak said. "We can't have that."

"Lemme go!"

"All you had to do is tell us where the memory capsules are," Cloak said, pragmatically. "You will not benefit from denying us this information."

"They're over there!" he said, furiously jabbing his thumb into his shoulder -- clearly indicating that it was in the pathway behind them.

"See? Now, was that so hard?" Helen said, sweetly, as if she was speaking to an over-emotional toddler.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Hermes Hamstern said, irritably. "Now let me go."

"Not until we corroborate what you claimed," Cloak said. "You may not have believed you were lying, but that doesn't mean that they are there."

"You can't do this!! Lemme go!! Lemme go!!"

"Ironic," GH said, "ain't it?"

Then they left Hamstern and went to retrieve the capsules.

[Cloak]

New chapter.

CHAPTER TWENTY:
Possibilities

As Cloak went with others to find the capsules, he considered the possibilities, the options they had before them, should Hamstern prove uncooperative. And it was a very likely scenario.

As they entered the pathway, Helen could put him one of those Star Sapphire violet crystal chrysalis things, which would force him to feel love. But this option was time-costly, and Helen would never do it, as she opposed that practice with every moral fiber of her being. Even asking her do it was enough to warrant her enmity, at least for the time being.

They continued along, not finding anything, as Cloak continued to consider.

Hunter could hold him at gunpoint, and force him that way. But he wouldn't like that, as it would him feel dirty, like some common criminal or one of those trigger-happy, impotent "gun enthusiasts". Sure, Hunter likes his guns, but not to obsessive levels. He would not do it, now would Cloak ever ask him, as he particularly had a distaste for firearms.

Dpsb pointed out a bronze or brass statue, arms outstretched, with various circular indentations that held several cylinders not unlike giant e-cigarettes, as Cloak continued considered.

Dpsb could bully him into complying, using his strength, his powers, to try to coerce Hamstern into compliance. But, again, that wasn't any good. Dpsb, by his very nature, wasn't a bully. He wasn't a ruthless as Cloak could be, and this sense of idealism had the habit of both grounding and inspiring his fellow RAFians. He wouldn't bully Hamstern.

They saw the cylinders were clearly marked with the names of the RAFians. These cylinders held the very culmination of the lost RAFians beings. It was a bit surprising that their bodies had not decayed at all or were desiccated or anything given the time they were lost from RAF, but now, they may be able to undo what Hamstern has done. Cloak still considered the possibilities thst they had before them..

GH could manipulate Hamstern musically, and have him, in a state of music-induced bliss, open the door for them. But, then again, GH's music, while powerful, did not have that degree of fine control. It wasn't mind control. The music could speak to you, affect your emotions, but it cannot directly affect the actions or predilections of others. But it still might work.

They deftly collected the memory capsules, treating them gingerly, as if they were newborn children. These were very precious and instrumental in bringing their RAFian brothers and sisters back from to coherent thought and sentient thought. And Cloak considered one final circumstance.

Saffa. She would be the lynchpin in this whole thing. Hamstern said that only his living biometrics would allow anyone to escape his hoarding place. He did not say that it had to be him, himself, to activate them. Saffa could acquire him, morph him, than open the door themselves. This would be asking a lot of Saffa as she would have to spend the time in the body of an old man, two things which she was not. Cloak didn't know if she would ever agree to this, but they may not have any choice in the matter . . . unless . . .

[redtailedsaffa]

It actually would be a dicey matter. I think I told you about it before.

[Cloak]

There are other possibilities. Some that I didn't mention.

New chapter.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE:
Upload Yours!

"This is a sticky question," GH said, breaking the silence, "but how do we put these back into the lost RAFians?"

Cloak pulled out the memory erasure gun, "This. It has a reverse setting."

"Why do all of these things have reverse settings?" Saffa said.

"In cases when their own devices are turned against them, I surmise," Cloak said, with a snap in his voice. He preemptively inserted a memory capsule, a mnemonic cartridge, into the memory erasure gun, as he reversed the polarity. He surprised himself by knowing just how to do this properly -- but then again this gun was apparently incredibly user-friendly. Kinda made it a double-edged sword, as dangerous to the owner as the victim. There were apparently no safeguards on it . . . Cloak wondered if this was just some device that got "misplaced" or "lost" or a device of Hamstern's own design.

No matter, no matter. Priorities. Priorities come first. The other RAFians, the "lost" ones. They needed to revert them back to who and what they were. This was the only way.

They would worry about their exit, their escape, at a more appropriate time. This took precedence.

Cloak noted that the mnemonic capsule that he loaded into the gun was marked as "Kelran". How Hamstern knew all their names was beyond him, but it was immaterial and unimportant with the current goal at hand.

"There you are," came the huffy, pernicious voice of Hamstern, who was looking over his shoulder, not without difficulty. "You got what you wanted. You corroborated me. Now, let me go!! I have work to do!"

"When I'm good and ready," Cloak growled. This could be seen as a bit cruel on Cloak's part, but when you've taken into account what Hamstern has done, and done without the least bit of remorse, it seemed less so. "You'll be back to your thievery soon enough."

"I'M NOT STEALING!!!" Hamstern roared.

"Yeah, yeah," Hunter said, indifferently, "shut up."

"Don't you speak --" Hamstern began heatedly.

"Mind you," Cloak said, not even bothering to turn around and look at him, "I could still crush you like a grape."

He gulped and said nothing more.

And the RAFians went about uploading the memories, the personalities, the everything that made them them into the RAFians. Kelran was first.

[Cloak]

New chapter.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO:
Well . . . That Complicates Things a Bit

It went along swimmingly, as Hamstern seemed rather disgruntled. Kelran was first, and as soon as he gained consciousness, a Mark blared to life on his right hand with little notice to the gryphon. The others tried to  ease him from his cloud of confusion.

They worked swiftly, Cloak being very studious not to mistake one cartridge for another. He was sure that they wouldn't appreciate the mix-up, and he was being extremely cautious, working so diligently and efficiently.

Tray. Done.

Ken. Done.

Taiyoh. Done.

Cloak didn't say anything aloud about how pleased he was with this going so swimmingly. Things have a tendency not to like to do that for the RAFians.

Anna. Done.

Toominator. Done.

Gafrash. Done.

Yet, Cloak's innate paranoia told him that this was too easy. That there was too little resistance. He put it out of his mind. This task was too important to become unfocused.

More and more lost RAFians regained themselves, "finding" themselves. Until the very last one, Think, regained himself. Then Cloak deftly dropped the memory erasure gun into Dpsb's hands.

It was now time to see if they could get Hamstern's cooperation. Hopefully, he would not give them any trouble. But he was silently resenting the fact that Cloak was returning what was lost. He found it a dirty, contemptible crime. He had never returned anything before. He did not like it, and yet, he still could not see what he was doing as stealing. He still saw it as economic stimulation, which was actually quite laughable. Hamstern actually had tears of frustration in his eyes, as he knew there wasn't anything he could do about this.

"Hamstern!" Cloak called, and the white-haired man flinched noticeably. "We need to talk about how you're going to let us out of here."

"No." he said, frustrated tears falling from his face. "Kill me if you must, but I will not let you topside. I c-can't. This work is just too imp--"

Suddenly, a white light lanced forward and hit Hamstern, as Cloak cried out, "What the duece?!"

"It's not my fault!" Dpsb declared, at once, clasping the memory erasure gun in such a way that it was very self-evident that he had just caught it. And in his rush to so, he reversed the polarities. "It was an accident! I swear!"

In Dpsb's attempts to right his wrong, the gun crumpled and became completely useless. Hamstern was gone. And gone for good.

"Well, this is problematic," Helen commented.

[redtailedsaffa]

Now what? We blow it up?

[Cloak]

New book idea.

• Book CMVI: "Tattoo Taboos" -- Fifteen twelve-year-olds gain inexplicable tatoos.
• Book CMVII: "Gossip Squirrels" -- The RAF must deal with Ratatoskr.
• Book CMVIII: "Big, Bad Boss" -- The RAFians must deal with a Krang/Oktigi hybrid.
• Book CMIX: "Godhead" -- The RAFians must deal with the so-called "New Gods".
• Book CMX: "Unity and Freedom" -- The RAFians must deal with spiral parasites.

New chapter.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE:
Well, What Now?

"DYLAN!!" Saffa and GH cried out in unison.

"It's not my fault!" he protested.

"What's going on?" Ken asked, groggily. Helen swooped into tell him, though Ken was unfamiliar with Helen, Helen having become a RAFian long after he had retired from being a RAFian.

Hamstern was still living, but he was now nothing more than a body with no consciousness, a vessel with no mind or spirit, a blank, empty thing. They could still use his biometrics, but they would also have to explain to law enforcement and the public just what went down.

Cloak quickly and deftly freed Hamstern from the hole that the Realm Walker had restrained him with. Hamstern was a deplorable person, yes, but he did not deserve this. No one did. To have everything that made up a person, their memories, their personalities, their beliefs and opinions, just gone. And gone so easily, so recklessly.

It was good that the memory erasure gun was disabled beyond repair. It was too dangerous to exist, in the Realm Walker's opinion. Hamstern just flopped there, down to the floor, almost as if he were nothing but a life-sized, organic doll. Cloak sealed up the hole, managing to Earthsight the exit in the process. He maintained a somber disposition though.

"Kelran," Cloak's tone had lost all the sharpness that he employed when addressing Hamstern, "would you mind taking Hamstern?"

Kelran lifted him, and began to carry him in a firefighter's lift, or whatever the term was. His wings quivered slightly, showing that he remembered him, and his refusal at allowing the lost RAFians' freedom. He also treated the guy a little roughly, not really too sympathetic to his fate, as he nearly inflicted the same on him without any remorse or regret.

"How are we going to use his biometrics?" Saffa asked, pointedly, "I don't want to have to morph him."

"It won't come to that," Cloak said. "I should have Earthsighted it sooner. The exit is a simple metal doorway."

"We never found a doorway," Toom said, "and believe me we should have."

"What's Earthsight?" Ken asked, rather sheepishly.

"It's well concealed," Cloak answered promptly. "And Earthsight is an ability I have to be able to 'see' through the earth, by feeling the vibrations through an earthen medium and interpreting them as visual data."

"Huh? Never mind, I'm sorry I asked," Ken replied.

Cloak didn't take that personally. "It just around here. There."

Cloak moved a false rock wall aside revealing a metal door with a bunch of biometric scanning devices.

"How are we -- ?" Anna began.

But Cloak stopped not more than seven feet from the large, heavy door. He did not bother with biometric stuff, he just ended his arms to the right, perpendicular to the ground. He curled his fingers into claws and the thick, metal door's left side crumpled like tinfoil. Then he made one swift, fierce movement to his right, ferrokinetically tearing the door from its hinges and crumpled like balled up aluminium foil. The crumpled mess of a door leaned uncomfortably to the side.

"Let's go," Cloak said, stalking rrom the abhorrent place.

[Cloak]

New chapter.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR:
Aftermath and Etiquette

The Bureau was finished, naturally. The authorities were going about returning the stolen items to the rightful owners, proving that this wasn't a government-funded service like Hamstern insisted. Fortunately, he kept meticulous files on each item. Even the RAFians he kidnapped, that he held against their will, had their own files, which had severely dehumanized them, and spoke of them as if they were lifeless items, without wills or autonomy of their own.

Hamstern himself was, in turn, interred in a small, isolated hospital. He was still in his comatose state. They wouldn't believe that he would never come out this coma, and held out false hope.

Naturally, when Bern Bridges got wind of this, he did what he did best. He launched into a vicious, virulent tirade of vitriolic rhetoric of how the RAFians were at fault. And, of course, it showed Bridges aversion to facts, and just the emotional nonsense that seemed to speak to the dull-witted and gullible. But that was per normal, for the fathead shockjock.

The formerly lost RAFians, now Marked, had decided to remain retired. They had put their time in, and now had other interests that they wanted to explore, that they wanted to delve into. The other RAFians allowed this, with heavy hearts.

But once a RAFian, always a RAFian.

But GH had a spot of bother. As it turns out, Leatherhead wasn't exactly behaving himself in his absence. The others had insisted on him tesching the mutant alligator child etiquette.

It wasn't as easy as it sounded.

"When you walk into a RAFparty
It's a formal universe . . ."

"Yeah!" GH said, happily.

"So, you jump up on your host
And, with a kiss, say 'Hello, Nurse!'"

"No!" GH facepalmed.

"Remember that good diction
Reflects so well on you . . ."

"Yeah!" GH said brightly.

"So practice all your vowel sounds
By saying 'AEIOUUUUU'!"

"No!" GH moaned.

"To use the right utensil
Is one of etiquette's demands . . ."

"Uuuuuggghhhh . . ." GH groaned.

"So, I recommend you throw them out
And eat with your hands!
A salad fork . . .
A dinner fork . . .
A butter knife . . .
A water glass . . .
A soup spoon . . .
A dinner knife . . .
A fork for eating pickled bass . . .
An oyster fork, dessert spoon, a napkin, and a finger bowl,
A dinner spoon, a salad knife, a bread plate for your dinner roll!
I've heard the rules you need to know to make that social climb
But I'd rather spend our energy on having a good time!"

GH groaned as he facepalmed, as Leatherhead remained oblivious, "Why can't anything ever be easy?"