Of course, you got a +1 for thst, GH. And sorry, GH, I couldn't rest this chapter.
New chapter.
BOOK CXI:
HIGH STAKES
CHAPTER ONE:
GH Sings Another Song
"Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the
corner of the basement half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop, you know the place. Well, anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy!
Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning, my stepmother would make me a big bowl of 'liberty sauce'* for breakfast.
Awww - Big bowl of 'liberty sauce'! Every single mornin'! It was driving me crazy!
I said to my stepmom, I said, 'Hey, what's with all the, ugh, 'liberty sauce?'
And my dear, sweet stepmother, she just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train. And she leaned right down next to me. And she said, "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!"
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth! And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was eighteen and a half years old!
That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm dew, and the towels are oh so fluffy! Where the Controllers and Andalites play their ukuleles all day long and anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel
Wacka wacka doodoo yeah!
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true. Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in a jar of Joltik.I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize. That's right, a first class one-way ticket to --
Richard's Animorph Forum!
Richard's Animorph Forum!
Oh yeah, you know, I'd never been on a real airplane before and I gotta tell ya, it was really great! Except that I had to sit between two large Hork-Bajir with excruciatingly severe body odor And the Gourmand in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of Mountain Dew and salted peanuts and the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore.
And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out and we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died! Except for me. You know why?
'Cause I had my tray table up,
And my seat back in the full upright position!
Had my tray table up,
And my seat back in the full upright position!
Had my tray table up,
And my seat back in the full upright position!
Ah ha ha ha! Ah ha ha! Ahhhh!
So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage, I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days! Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag, and my precious guitar and my twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark PokeDex! But finally I arrived at the world famous RAF Holiday Inn where the towels are oh so fluffy! And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna. It's OK, they're clean!
Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C and I turned on the Spectre Vision and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow that I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door.
Well now, who could that be?
I say "Who is it?"
No answer.
"Who is it?"
There's no answer.
"WHO IS IT?"
They're not sayin' anything!
So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It's some big Quetzalcoatlus Skybax -- oh man, I hate it when I'm right! So anyway, she bursts into my room and she grabs my lucky PokeDex.
And I'm like 'Hey, you can't have that! That PokeDex's been just like a PokeDex to me!"
And she's like 'Tough.'
And I'm like 'Give it!'
And she's like 'Make me!'
And I'm like ''Kay!'
So I grabbed her leg and she grabbed my esophagus, and I bit off her wing and she chewed off my eyebrows, and I took out her appendix and she gave me a colonic irrigation! Yes indeed, you better believe it! And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook and twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said? I'll tell you what it said!
It said,
'If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
'If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator.
'If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
'If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator.'
In RAF! RAF!
Well, to cut a long story short, she got away with my PokeDex. But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest. I would not sleep for an instant until the strange creature was brought to justice. But first, I decided to buy some donuts.
So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop, and I walked on up to the guy behind the counter and he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"
I said, 'You got any glazed donuts?'
He said, 'No, we're outta glazed donuts!'
I said, 'Well, you got any jelly donuts?'
He said, 'No, we're outta jelly donuts!'
I said, 'You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?'
He said, 'No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts!'
I said, 'You got any cinnamon rolls?'
He said, 'No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!'
I said, 'You got any apple fritters?'
He said, 'No, we're outta apple fritters!'
I said, 'You got any bear claws?'
He said, 'Wait a minute, I'll go check! . . . No, we're outta bear claws!'
I said, 'Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?'
He says, 'All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed Sneasels.'
I said, 'OK, I'll take that.'
So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the Sneasels jump out and they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over!"
He made a bunch of rabid gnawing sounds.
"Oh man, they were just going nuts! They were tearin' me apart! You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head. I believe it went a little something like this . . ."
GH just started to scream and yell in the most obnoxious ways imaginable, before continuing.
"But that's just the way things go!
In RAF! RAF!
Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me, because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream. That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler! I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face! Aw, yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that. I was gettin' a lot of attitude!
OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil. When I see this guy tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself. So I, I say to him, I say 'Hey, you want me to help you with that?'
And he just rolls his eyes and goes, 'Nooo, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw.'
So I did.
And then he gets all indignant on me! He's like 'Hey, man, I was just being sarcastic!'
Well, that's just great. How was I supposed to know that? I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud. Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname -- Torso-Boy! So what's he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bite in three days. Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over, and I'm like 'Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?'
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming. You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation. Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?
Anyway, um, um, where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought
Uh, well, uh, okay.Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it, but I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is . . .
I . . . hate . . . sauerkraut!
That's all I'm really tryin' to say. And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential quandary, full of loathing and self-doubt, and wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence. At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours, there's still a little place called --
RAF!
RAF!
RAF, RAF!
RAF, RAF!
RAF, RAF!
RAF, RAF!
RAF, RAF, RAF, RAF!
RAF, RAF, RAF, RAF!
RAF, RAF, RAF, RAF!
RAF, RAF, RAF, RAF!
RAF . . ."
"GH," Cloak said. "I know you're lying."
"Why I don't know what you could possibly mean," GH said, wearing a disingenuous, impish smile.
"I can't believe you're pulling this again," Cloak replied.
The smile vanished from GH's face. "What?"
"One more thing!" Cloak said, in a passable imitation of Uncle from
Jackie Chan Adventures. TWACK! Cloak smacked him upside the head. "Hand them over."
GH handed his cigarettes over.
"Let's not have to do this again," Cloak said. "Remember, you wanted to quit."
"Can I withdraw that desire?"
"Nnnno."
Cloak walked off.
* Reference to the ludicrous trend of renaming food (usually without any idea of the etymology of the word to begin with) for stupid political reasons. "Liberty sauce" was sauerkraut, and "freedom fries" were French fries (which derived from shortening "Frenched fried potatoes", which was how they were
made).
Song Source:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oe5gaCxWOkg
