Memoirs of a RAFian

[Cloak]

And you're about to see their purpose.

New chapter.
 

CHAPTER FIVE:
Interruption Interrogation

The three-foot abominations had a metal silver rectangle each on their abdomen. They have horns on their head that looked like upright cuneiform characters. Their faces were bare, inhumanly smooth, cream-colored slabs of plastic with big expressful eyes, bat-like ears, and a Teletubby overbite. They had Furby fur, bare arms, mitten-like thick hands, and stubby legs with two-toed feet.

"Those things are hideous," Saffa said.

The Teletubby/Furby toy abominations separated into two lines, and their belly rectangles lit up. Then the projected from them, and where the beams intersected, an image formed. It was just a lump of light at first, before the image became more and more defined as a three-dimentional hologram. Of course, that wasn't the strangest part.

It was a thin, slightly svelte man in a polka-dotted poofy shirt, poofy pants, lycra tights, a tutu-like ruff around his neck, curled elf shoes with bells on the toes. He also wore a mascot head similar to the mascot of the Cherifer boy, with a three-pointed jester hat with each point ending in a bell. Only his hands were bare.

"And I thought Rusty's --" Dino began.

"Don't say that name!" Gaz hissed.

"And I thought the corroder-guy's Shredder motif was bad," Dino said, reluctantly amending her statement.

"I wonder if this is a just a prerecorded message or two-way communication," Yarin said, rubbing his chin with his lower right hand as his top set of arms were folded.

"Why, it's two-way communication!" the Toyman said, exuberantly. "I am the Toyman."

"Gee, I never would have guessed," Cloak said.

"I hope you've enjoyed my toys," Toyman said, and there was subtle edge to his voice. Cloak wasn't sure anyone else caught it. "I hereby invite you to my toyroom. Here are the coordinates."

Silence met these words.

"And if we refuse?" Parker asked.

Toyman quickly refuted this, "Oh, you won't refuse."

There was no mistaking the threat.

[Cloak]

New chapter.
 

CHAPTER SIX:
The Play Date

"Remind me," Sakki was saying, "why are we doing this again?"

"Would you rather Toyman find someone else to . . . eh, play with?" Parker said.

"And with someone innocent." Cloak added morosely. "We cannot in good conscience do that. You know how dangerous Toyman's 'toys' are, and what his idea of 'playing' is."

"Oh, you had to play the 'being noble' card," Sakki grumbled.

She, Parker, Cloak, Guy, KitsuneMarie, Underseen, Mithril, Goom, Hunter, Horse, and Guy went to the coordinates. It was a rather larger mission party than most were accustomed to, but everything insofar was just peachy. It made Cloak suspicious and antsy.

"I don't like this," Goom said. "It feels like at any moment a plumber's shoe will decend upon my wittle head."

"Be prepared, guys," Parker said, cautiously. "Since we're such a large group, chances Toyman will either try to pick us off one-by-one or separate us from each other."

"Or both." Guy added.

They came upon a strange abandoned area. It was a desolate wasteland type of area, but beneath their feet was what appeared to be a hardwood floor. This was odd because their was no walls or ceiling, nor any sign of where they could be. Cloak's superstitious paranoia was basically hitting him over the head, telling him that something was most definitely off.

"This can't be right," Marie said, examining the hardwood floor.

"Oh, but it is perfectly alright!" said an exuberant voice, as if the speaker was expecting great fun. "Not as many of you came as I hoped. Busy?"

It was obvious who the speaker was.

"Something like that," Mithril said, noncommittally.

"Oh, well, then. There is still fun to be had!" Toyman said, his exuberant tone dampened somewhat. "Come on down!"

"What?" Underseen said.

"Oh no," Cloak said, recognizing and realizing what was going to happen a split second before it happened. Holes appeared beneath the RAFians' feet in a way so similar to the ones that appeared when they confronted SAL SOMNUS.

They slid along tubes, separated from each other, precisely as Parker had warned. . . .

[redtailedsaffa]

Don't split up, they said...

[Cloak]

Yep.

New chapter.
 

CHAPTER SEVEN:
The Front Line

Hunter landed with a thud. He wasn't a cat, so he didn't land on his feet. The butt of one of his guns poked him until he righted himself and got up. He looked around, and saw nothing. Nothing but a large featureless room . . . no, wait. There were trenches on each side, the one closest to him was mere inches behind him.

His eyesight was really no better than humans. But his hearing and olfactory senses were far from subpar. He couldn't really smell anything, but he could hear slight clicks and whatnot. He didn't know what it could be.

Then Hunter caught a whiff of something. An unfamiliar scent.

"Let's play!" cried a voice with a childlike enthusiasm. Toyman, obviously. "I know just the game!"

Hunter saw several wooden soldiers, lined up in a rigid line. Almost like a firing squad. This was a game?

"Let's get started. You get the first shot," Toyman said.

Hunter raised an eyebrow. Was he serious?

"Go on, then," Toyman prodded.

Hunter took aim, and fired his gun. One of the wooden soldiers fell into a sparking mess. They were, in reality, automatons. Mindless robots at the Toyman's beck and call. This made things easier, as all qualms Hunter had about doing this evaporated and his lupine predatory instinct took over.

"Now it's my turn," Toyman said.

"Oh, I don't think so." Hunter said, deftly taking aim. He just began to tear through the likes of these pseudo-wooden soldiers, until he ran out of ammo. But he wasn't out of weaponry, though.

"NO, NO, NO!!! YOU'RE CHEATING!!! STOP IT!!! STOP IT!!! STOP IT!! PLAY BY THE RULES!!!" Toyman screeched, as Hunter resorted to tooth and claw. "STOP CHEATING!!!"

Soon, the ground was littered with the refuse, detritus, and debris of the soldiers of pseudo-wood. Hunter wiped his mouth, panting like a canine. His eyes were alight with steely determination.

"I don't play by your rules, Toyman." Hunter growled. "Let me go. Let me go and face me. Face us as a man."

No answer. Hunter wasn't surprised.

Hunter hunted out an exit, and managed to locate one because of the Toyman's stale scent on it. He pried the door open and deftly made his way out. . . .

[redtailedsaffa]

Don't tell me this is the SAL SOMNUS trick again.

[Cloak]

Yes. No. Maybe.

It's one of those options.

Anyway, new book ideas!

• Book DVIII: "Slimebiote Complications" -- A Slimebiote gives RAF some problems.
• Book DIX: "The Problem with Boy Bands" -- The RAFians must deal with adolescent aliens disguised as humans . . . and in a very successful boy band.
• Book DX: "A.P. in College" -- The RAFians must deal with a symbiotic transneural converter.
• Book DXI: "Vessel Trafficking" -- The RAFians must take on a most perverse human trafficking ring. But not the kind of trafficking reasons that you would expect. Questionable continuity.
• Book DXII: "A Need For Speed" -- The RAFians must deal with a literal speed demon.

Remember, all titles are subject to change. And I don't think that I rehashed anything.

New chapter.
 

CHAPTER EIGHT:
Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em, Sakki

Sakki bumped down rather unceremoniously on her rump. The shoot which she tumbled through was nowhere in sight. She stood up, dusted herself off, before really taking in her environment. She was standing in a circle of light, like a spotlight, only without any discernible source. The ground was colored the color of faded blue jeans, only a solid color. The environment outside this circle of light was difficult to see, if not down right impossible.

Sakki looked around, seeing nothing but inky blackness in the void outside this disc of light in which she stood. She muttered, "Oh, great. What fresh hell awaits me now?"

"Welcome to the ring, my friend!" came to the exuberant voice Sakki hated already. Suddenly the light disc expanded to show a boxing ring slightly smaller than the "Super Smash" for the 3DS. On the other corner was a red, boxy robot, like a life-sized rock'em sock'em robot. "There is you opponent! The rules of the game are --"

Sakki wasn't listening. The Toyman was literally playing games with her. Literally!! The embarrassment, the humiliation, was palpable. It was unbearable. You don't play games like this with Sakki. She was forthright with such things too.

"I don't care!" Sakki snarled. "I am not your toy to do with whatever you please! Let me out of this cage!"

"I can't!" the Toyman said, joyously jubilant. Obviously, he was blatantly ignoring Sakki's hostility. "I cannot let you out --"

"The hell you can't!"

"-- unless you win the game!" Toyman said, without pause. "Now, let's get started, shall we?"

"Hey, wait a cotton-pickin' minute here, I didn't agree to -- whoa!"

Sakki had no choice as the robot came out swinging like Little Mac. Sakki had dodged each blow, not even wanting this fight. Eventually, Sakki got so fed up, she acquiesced to the Toyman's game and made short work of the robot, using her sonics to fry its circuitry.

"No fair! You cheated!!" Toyman complained.

"I DON'T CARE!!" Sakki roared. "GET ME THE HECK OUTTA HERE, YOU PATHETIC MANCHILD!!!"

But it turned out that she had to find her own way out. She wasn't much happy about it, leveling death threats toward the Toyman.

[Cloak]

Modify-post syndrome?

New chapter.
 

CHAPTER NINE:
Life-or-Death Tag

Horse flopped down hard on the ground, and groaned. She didn't know if she had broke anything, but knew that she had the breath knocked out of her. It was a few moments before she caught it again.

She looked around, with her bright pinniped eyes. Eyes that would make you wonder why and how anyone could mistreat seals. She took in her surroundings. It was dark, with objects just barely visable to her seal eyes, which was more or less akin to human eyesight. It soon was clear she was in an open area with randomly-sized columns set at irregular intervals, making some places more open and others more sheltered.

"This," Horse muttered, as she slipped and flopped on snow and ice that was inexplicably on the ground, "this does not bode well."

"Welcome, friend!" came an unnecessarily jovial voice. It was as if the Toyman had not been defied by both Hunter and Sakki. "I have a very special game awaiting you!"

"Oh, wonderful." Horse grumbled obviously.

"Glad to see that you're so excited!" Toyman said, estatically, apparently unaware of Horse's dry sarcasm. "Let's begin, then!"

From the snow rose a hulking silhouette. Well, hulking for a seal, anyway. It was a Pikachu's silhouette. But upon further examination, it had snow white fur, black stripes, black cheeks, black-tipped ears, and sapphire blue eyes. It was like the artic version of the Pootang . . . only slightly smaller, slightly more agile, and slightly faster.

"That game is," Toyman said, "TAG!"

"You cannot be serious," Horse scoffed. The Pootang ripoff charged her. "Ooooookay -- you are serious."

Horse deftly dodged the charge, using her hydrokinesis and cyrokinesis (establishing her belief that this snow and ice on the train is fake, because it was). Horse was in no mood to humor Toyman and play along with his little game. As she dodged his second charge, she unsheathed her Tempest Blade.

The Toyman wasn't happy about this. "Hey, NO FAIR!! Power-ups and items aren't allowed!! They were turned off!"

"You know what, you spoiled brat?" Horse said, slaying the pseudo-Pootang in a combination of backflips and single slicing stroke of the Tempest Blade. "You know what? Enough."

"CHEATER!! YOU CHEATED!! CHEATER!!" Toyman snarled. "YOU CHEATED!!"

"I DON'T CARE!!!" Horse shouted, thoroughly annoyed. "Call me a cheater all you want. I dont care. You will let me go, or you will regret it!"

No answer. Horse would have to find her own way out. This did not make her any happier.

[redtailedsaffa]

This is becoming a training sim.

[Cloak]

Nah. Our training sims are better.

New chapter.
 

CHAPTER TEN:
Hide-and-Seek . . . TO THE EXTREME!

SPLAT!

Underseen hadn't been paying attention when he landed, and he went splat like a viscous, opaque goo. But he wasn't hurt or anything, as he pulled himself together and resumed his base shape.

"Ugh. I must remember never to do that again." he said, speaking as if he just passed gas. "I hate losing corporeal cohesiveness."

"Oooooooh! Oooooooh! Fun!" came a voice. "Again! Do it again!"

"Great, this guy again."

"Again!"

"I'm not your toy poodle!" Underseen snarled uncharacteristicall y. "I will not prance around doing stupid tricks!"

"Ah, that's fine, then," Toyman said, "we can get to the game sooner."

"Game? I never said that I want to play a --"

Suddenly, Underseen was surrounded on all sides by life-sized dolls with yellow, spherical heads without a face or any defining cephalic feature. The sizes differed both greatly and slightly, but other than that, they were all identical. Underseen was unable to discern one from the other by any other means other than size.

Underseen thought they looked like faceless, bald Miis.

"This is a game?" Underseen said, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes! Hide-and-seek!"

"You are actually serious?"

"Yes! The goal is to find the face amongst the faceless." Toyman said, eagerly.

"But that's not --"

"Begin!"

Underseen groaned and muttered shifting around the forest of faceless, Simpsonized Miis. He found the face on three separate occasions. But the face vanished to a new Mii doll. Underseen decided there was a work around to this. He could just mimic a Mii doll with an empty face and then --

Wait -- what was that? That breeze?

"Don't give up n-- stay away from there!! No! Don't touch that!" Toyman yelled, as Underseen investigated the source of that musty breeze. He ignored Toyman. "Don't you ignore me!! Get back here an finish the game!! Hey!!"

But Underseen was already gone.

[redtailedsaffa]

He's not a very efficient designer, is he?

[Cloak]

More like he underestimated us. Sakki's temper, Horse's tolerance limit, Underseen's innate corporeal malleability, Mithril's . . . wait, we haven't gotten to him yet. The Toyman had expected us to come and actually enjoy the psychotic games he made, something no one would honestly enjoy.

New chapter.
 

CHAPTER ELEVEN:
Check, Mate

Mithril tumbled down the shoot, eventually making it to solid ground. He had managed to tumble and roll to his feet. He stayed crouched, tensed for action as he looked around. He peered into the gloom and nothing happened.

He hesitantly righted himself, trying to keep his guard up. He peered to his left and saw some ambient light over that way. He cautiously moved over that way, no sure if he was going the right way.

It was soon enough, though, that Mithril was sure he made a wrong turn at Albuquerque. Be blinked in surprise, never having expected what he saw. He was sure that he had accidentally stepped onto the set of the "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone", the giant chessboard one.

One the side closest to him were chess pieces about five feet taller than him, appearing to have been carved out of obsidian, with silver accenting. Where on the far side of the room were chess pieces carved out what appeared to be marble, with gold accents. Kings, queens, knights, bishops, rooks, pawns . . . all were there.

"Greetings, friend!" said the Toyman, from a screen right above the white side of the board. It gave Mithril a very Ivo Robotnik or Dr. Eggman feel.

"I'm not your friend," Mithril said, calmly blunt.

The Toyman ignored this. "Let's play the game, then!"

"I'd rather not," Mithril said.

"Of course, you want to play!"

"No. I don't."

"No need to be coy, m'boy!" Toyman said. He wasn't listening to Mithril obviously. The Toyman moved one of his pawns forward, unaware how foolish it was to make the chess pieces from stone. "Now, m'boy, it's your turn!"

Now, Mithril may not have been as strong a terrakinetic as Cloak, but that did not mean he was a low-levelled one, either. And Mithril was in no mood to comply with the Toyman's demands, or games.

"Your turn!" Toyman prodded again.

"Fine." Mithril said. He focused his mind and suddenly the marble king and queen chess pieces shattered into messy chunks. "Checkmate."

"That's against the rules!"

"I don't care."

"You cheated!"

"I don't care."

"Cheater."

"I don't care," Mithril said, casually walking to the other side of the room, obliterating the two marble pawns who tried to stop him. "I'm going to find the others. Then I'm leaving."

He ignored the Toyman's indignant babbling, and forced the door open. Then he was gone.

[Cloak]

New chapter.
 

CHAPTER TWELVE:
Checkers of Death!!

Marie tumbled and landed rather undignified on her rump. But she was a fox, and such indignities tended to be overlooked. She righted herself upon her four feet, and gauged her surroundings with a scrutinizing, appraising eye. The chute seemed to have dumped her so unceremoniously into darkness. Now, her night vision wasn't the best, but her olfactory and auditory senses were top-notch. She didn't detect any threats.
 
She saw that there was a place were ambient light coming to her left a little ways ahead. Marie wasn't sure if she should trust it, but there were no other places out, so she really had no choice, since going back up the chute was pointless. The edge was too far up for her to reach, even if she tried to jump. She couldn't climb back up it, in any case.
 
Marie flicked her white-tipped vulpine tail, as she deigned to enter the room the light was issuing from. The room was large, with a life-sized checker board between her and the exit. It was already set for a game of checkers. It stood between her and the exit.  There seemed to be a moat of a glowing red substance. It couldn't be lava, as it would have been phenomenally hotter in here than it was. It was a strange viscous goo, glowing red. It was like a malicious form of mutagen made of rage and colloidal goop. . . . Wait, could it be lava?

"Welcome!" Toyman announced gregariously. Strange. One would think the escape of the others would have dampened his spirits. Perhaps the Toyman's psyche was like a toggle switch. "Take your place, if you please on the checkerboard."

Marie paused, thinking if there was a way around this, a loophole to exploit. She could not concoct one, so she deigned to acquiesce. She sat on one of the checkers on the first row, with her tail draped over the side in a exceedingly dignified way.

"Thank you, player!" Toyman said. "Now -- to make it more interesting . . ."

The pieces were on the black squares, but the red squares fell back to reveal lava -- or the same substance that was in the moat -- in the square's parts, in pits.

"Is that really necessary?" Marie said.

"You have no idea," Toyman said ominously.

"I disagree." Marie said, mind working at a fevered pace. She evaluated the distance from her spot to the exit, which had a small enough hole which appeared to be covered by a loose balsa wood board. Clearly, the Toyman doesn't think these traps and games out.

"I shall go first," Toyman said. He moved one piece forward. It was the perfect move. "Now, Foxy-Loxy, it's your turn."

"So it is," Marie said. She hoped her timing was right. She leaped from square to square until she reached the other side. She acted too fast for Toyman act or react. She burst through the board, which dazed her a bit. She pulled herself together and continued onward.

[redtailedsaffa]

He's running out of ideas.

[Cloak]

Oh, he just saved the best for Chapter Sixteen.

New chapter.
 

CHAPTER THIRTEEN:
Gin, Dummy!

Goom did not tumble down the chute like the others before him. He slid down it, as if it was simple green, Mario pipe. He hopped down from the chute, with simple and modest decorum. He took it all in stride. In fact, he was rather unimpressed.

He glanced around at his new surroundings. His eyes were able to penetrate the near gloom rather effortlessly. He saw a strange panel to his left, and he casually toddled over to it. He examined it rather dispassionately. Eventually, he went tsk-tsk-tsk, and began to mess around the control panel, then shut it.

"Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy," he sighed, as he toddled toward the dim light to his near-immediate right. He looked and saw a bland, featureless expanse. He couldn't see where the soft, warm light was coming from, but he regarded this very little.

"Welcome, little mushroom . . . thing." Toyman said.

"I am a Goomba," Goom said, indifferently. He spoke as if the Toyman was just some interesting curio. "You want to play a game, I believe?"

"Oh. Well, yes." Toyman said. "Gin rummy."

"Then let's begin."

Toyman was actually caught off guard at this. But then the holographic cards apeared right before them, as if they were facing Luxord or using those primitive Duel Disks of Seto Kaiba's. Goom wore a heavy-lidded, almost bored look. He was by no means an expert, but he easily trounced the Toyman.

Toyman was registered speechless at this unexpected event. Goom looked at him in a beignly disinterested way. He made no move towards the exit.

"Th-that's impossible!"

"Is it now?" Goom said, almost bored.

"Two out of three!" Toyman demanded.

Goom won all three.

"Three out of five!" Toyman demanded again.

Goom won all five.

"Five out of nine!" Toyman demanded.

"No, I don't think so." Goom said, truly bored now. "Not accustomed to games not rigged in your favor, I see."

"That is a dangerous accusation," Toyman said.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Goom said, totally unintimidated and unimpressed, as he toddled to the exit and leaving. He ignored the Toyman's demands for more games. Goom had not set the controls in his favor, he just unrigged it so that the cards would not always come out in the Toyman's favor. It was random, Goom just happened to get lucky with his hands.

[Cloak]

Another six chapters before the book that I am most looking forward to writing. . . .

New chapter.
 

CHAPTER FOURTEEN:
Red Hot Poker

Parker's leaving the chute wasn't all that dignified. It left him quicker than he had anticipated, and he went clattering into the wall opposite of the chute. Fortunately for him, no one saw. Well, almost no one.

"Oh, shut up, Tyr!" Parker snarled.

A pause.

"I said, shut up, Tyr."

Parker took stock of his surroundings and saw that he was in a cavern of some sort. There was little if any ambient light. The only real light was coming from his immediate left, and it had a reddish-orange tint to it. It had a very ominous feel to it.

So, naturally, Parker dove headfirst into the room. Only to find a room similar to the one that Goom was in. Only there was a single fold-up table with the Toyman sitting in the chair facing Parker. Parker wasn't so easily tricked. The flimsiest scans could detect that this Toyman was not the genuine article. This faux Toyman was just an automaton, a synthdroid, a replica. Not sentient at all.

"Welcome, player!"

Clearly, the Toyman was piloting this rather impressive double (although the hands were not as believable) remotely. Rather creepy, in one sense. But Parker wasn't one to put stock in such things.

"What do you want, manchild?" Parker said, harshly.

"Just to play a simple game," the replica said, clearly broadcasting the real Toyman's voice and infliction. "Just simple poker."

Before he answered, Parker (whose face was hidden behind his helmet thus making his expressions inscrutable to the Toyman) scrutinized and appraised the replica. Could it stand, or was it affixed to the chair? Could it give chase if it could stand? Could it prove to be any kind of threat? Parker decided that this replica posed him no threat, but he could not divine an exit that might not collapse the cavern upon them. He wasn't sure if he could survive such a cavern collapse. He rather not test it.

"Fine." Parker said, taking his seat. He knew there was going to be the outlandish stipulation -- this couldn't be a simple game of one-on-one poker.

"Oh, and for every chip you lose, the temperature of the room will go up ten degrees Fahrenheit. Nothing big," the Toybot said.

Parker knew it. He knew there would be some sort of stupid stipulation. But he wasn't worried, his armor would protect him. It would take a lot of heat for him to suffer from it.

From there, the game went rapidly. For every chip he collected, the exit revealed itself. Eventually, Parker won the game by busting the Toybot. Parker scrapped the fold-ip chair on the ground, and strolled to the exit as the replica slumped onto the table. Parker didn't care.