This story is based off of the "Things the Animorphs (and other characters) would never say thread on this board. It is dedicated to those Riff Raffers who have posted on all ninety-one pages. I bring you chapter one of "Things They'd Never Say"
One
My name is Jake.
Wanna know my last name?
Sure, it's Berenson. Jake Berenson. I'm an all around amazing person, if I do say so myself. Sure, I didn't make the basketball team, but that wasn't my fault. Trust me. I am an AMAZING basketball player. I can shoot free throws, and all them three pointers. You can bet that I'm the Shaq of my middle school.
Wanna know the name of my middleschool?
I go to Applegate Middle School.
Not enough information for you? Fine. I guess I can tell you more about me. I'm thirteen years old. I live in a small town called Appleheights. My phone number is 555 2112. I live in the third house up the street; on Gallawaller Lane. My parents are Steve and Jean Berenson. My brother's name is Tom. I have a dog named Homer; a golden retriever. My cousin's name is Rachel; her last name is also Berenson. Her number is 555 3113, and she lives a few blocks away on Milton Drive; house number thirty. I can give you all sorts of information about me, my cousin and my friends. Just ask and I'll tell you all sorts of things. But, then again, you may not be interested in me and my friends--ha, yea right! We're sooooo awesome! You might want to know about the Yeerks.
So there was this trip I took to the mall one Friday, right? An ordinary day; an ordinary butt-whooping for Marco. We were playing videop games and I--the amazingly handsome Jake Berenson-beat the not-as-good-looking Marco Crane. Ifd you want to know more about Marco, you can check his myspace...What? Myspace doesn't exist yet? Alright...check the phone book and ask his dad, Peter. Anyways, I was kicking Marco's butt at video games, when we met up with my cousin Rachel and her friend, Cassie.
I am in love with Cassie. She is your typical fashion diva. And she loves meat. I mean, she's a complete meat-aholic! She's all for the burger and steaks. She and her dad, Peter go on hunting trips every year. I went with them once or twice; we shot a bunch of deer. You should have seen Cassie; she was ecstatic. I saw a crazed look in her eyes as she leapt out of the bush--wearing a hunting outfit--with a riffle, or whatever sort of gun you use to hunt. Anyways, Cassie's a hunter.
Rachel's good-looking too. But her being a vegetarian sort of puts you off. She's always raving about how bad it is to eat meat and all that jazz. It's kind of a yawn. I don't understand what the big deal is. I also think Rachel would look about a billion times better if she wore something...girly. Like Cassie.
So Marco, Rachel, Cassie and I were just walking around the mall, when all of a sudden we bumped into Tobias Daniels. Tobias is the HAPPIEST kid on the planet. He lives with his uncle for a few months before going back with his aunt across the country. He's always so positive that you can't help but love the guy. He gets bullied a lot, but he doesn't seem to mind. In fact, when we said hell, Tobias did this:
"Good day, my wonderful friends that I never associate with at school!" he cried, pulling all four of us into a big bear hug....Actually, it wasn't a big bear hug...It was a HUGE bear hug. "What are we doing, this fine night?"
"What's so fine about it?" Marco mumbled. "It's so cold out."
That's Marco for you; always so down about everything. Marco hates jokes. He's always so professional; so punctual; so....unfunny. Why do I like him? I don;t know...Batman needs a Robin?
"Here's a fine idea," Tobias said. "Let us walk through that attractive consturction site down the street."
"We're not outside yet. We have to wairt for the plot to thicken," Rachel said.
"What plot?" I asked.
"The plot of our story." Rachel said.
"We're in a story?" I asked. "Like...a fantasy?"
"No...sci-fi." Marco sighed.
"Well...let's go outside," I suggested. "So we can get on with the plot."
So we walked out into the mall. Applegate Mall. In the town of Appleheight. By that construction site down the street. You reading this Yeerks?
Post Merged: December 16, 2010, 09:56:55 PM
Two
So, there we were; just minding our business and crossing a very dangerous, very messy looking construction site. There was trash all over the place, scattered about like...trash in a construction site...No, here's a better metaphor! Scattered like the dirty clothes on my bedroom floor! Yea, that's a good metaphor. Anyways, there was a bunch of rusted pipes, cinder blocks, and forgotten equipment lying around--dozers and earth movers...Which is weird, because, even if the construction site had been abandoned for years, the city wouldn't have the equipment lying around where idiot teenagers would be able to climb ontop of them, like Cassie was just then.
"Look at me!" Cassie shouted. "I'm a gorilla!"
"I'm supposed to be the Gorilla." Marco said, sulkily. But none of us understood what he meant by that.
Anyways, so we were walking. And we were talking. We were walking and talking, like the fantastic teenagers we were (excluding Rachel and Marco, the bores of the group). Marco was commenting on how the city wouldn't just leave construction equipment lying around (told yea!) while Rachel and Tobias were chatting it up. I was trying to talk to Cassie, but she was feeling very reckless at the moment.. I was about to join her on a very rusty pipe, when Tobias said,
"Hark, what doth be that lgiht shining from Helios's chariot?"
We all gave Tobias a strange look.
"What's that?" he said, simply.
And we all looked up at the spot in the sky Tobias was pointing to. And we all waited for the object to land, like brave warriors waiting for a battle...being brave...we weren't afraid of the UFO, is what I'm saying...BRAVE!
So the spaceship landed on the floor of the construction site, yadda yadda yaddda...The ship was shaped like an egg with a tail and wings, yadda yadda yadda.... Us kids were all masculine and brave, yadda yadda yadda....The Alien stepped out of the ship, yadda yadda yadda...It was a blue centaur....yadda yadda yadda,,,character description, yadda yadda yadda
"IT'S A DEER!" Cassie shouted, pointing at the alien! "Where's my musket?"
"Cassie, how could you? He's hurt!"
((I am fine, humans.)) The alien said in thoughts. ((It is a paper cut.))
"Pretty big paper cut," Marco mumbled. But you couldn't hear him, because he MUMBLED it!
((I can tell that you are alarmed by my shear ferocity.)) the alien said, sagely. ((It is to be expected. I am quite famous where I am from. ))
"Welcome to Earth, E.T." Tobias said, smiling. He stepped up to the alien and gave him a gigantic bear hug. ((We are a peaceful people, despite murdering and pillaging various nations for nearly a millenia!"
((Little boy, it's called personal space...Now, back off of me, before you find that you have one less head than you previously had."
"I sense that you have a message for us, Mr. Et." Tobias said. "We weill help you in anyway we can. We'll except whatever tool you will give us, any power necesary to defeat a possible alien threat from beyond."
((Why on Earth would I rely on teenagers, who barely finnish their homework and are constantly skipping school, to save the world?)) the alien asked, astonished. ((No...there is no war. I have a small matter to attend to.)) And, as if he was Marco, he mumbled, ((Stupid child support.))
Tobias frowned. "So...there's no intergalactic war in space? There's no threat to the human race?))
((Of course not. )) The alien said, impatiently. ((The Hork-Bajir are too stupid to travel through space...the Taxxons are too busy binging on their own race to bother to built space ships....and the Yeerks...))
Then, the alien's eyes widdened. I don't know how I could tell (he didn't have a mouth) but he was smiling now.
((The Yeerks are evil...yea...sur they are.They're on earth. Right as we speak they're doing evil...Yeerky things...))
Tobias looked at him in awe. "What kind of evil things?"
((Um...give me a second, so I can make up a believable story...)) He mumbled.
"What was that?" I asked.
((I said, "let me tell you about a story.)) he said, quickly. ((Um..this is the story of the Yeerks...and their evil...yerrky ways...))
Post Merged: December 16, 2010, 10:47:21 PM
Three
"Mr. ET," Tobias spoke up, after an hour of pure silence. "You said you were going to tell us a story..."
((Well give me a minute to gather my thoughts, boy,)) the Alien snapped. ((I'm not doctor Suess. I cannot just make up silly words and produce a complex story.))
"You've been 'gathering your thoughts' for an hour, now." Marco snorted. "You have no story."
((Of course I do, you little brat. Just shut up...I have to think...uh...There was a fierce battle in space...)) the Alien said. ((And...our fleet had just entered the space around Earth...))
"What did the ships look like?" I asked.
((Like your head!)) The Alien snapped.
"Oh, it was a Dome ship!" Tobias said. "Continue, Mr. ET"
((Yes...so, we were waiting for our enemies, the incredibly violent and bloodthirsty Yeerks. When our ships were taken down by a powerful Blade Ship hidden...hidden behind the moon...yea, that's it, the moon!))
"Sounds scary," Rachel said. "Were you scared?"
((Oh, everyone is afraid of the Yeerks.)) the Alien replied. ((They're small little creatures, but they have the power to take your brains!))
"You mean they can slither through the ear canal and control bodily functions by wrapping their themselves around the brain?" Tobias asked.
((Of course not, that would be ludicrous. That would involve pushing past the ear drum and many nerves...I mean, yes. That's exactly what they do.))
"What do the Yeerks look like?" Cassie asked.
The Alien's eyes darted around the construction site, nervously. It looked like he was looking for something. I noticed that he was staring at a slug, crawling on a rusted pipe.
((They look like...this.)) he said
And, with that single word, he showed us the image of a green slug-like creature. It didn't have any eyes, or a mouth. It was coloured greenish-gray, and looked very simple in physiology.
((The Yeerks have taken over many races across the galaxy. They are armed with many forces. They may already have thousands of hosts on this planet.))
"Surely there is something we can do!" Tobias cried. "There must be someone we can tell!"
((Little boy, please lower your voice. There is no need to shout. Now, where was I?))
"Thousands of hosts..." I repeated.
((Yes, thousands...there is nothing you simple humans can do to defeat the Yeerks.)) The Alien said.
"There isn't anything we can use to hurt them?" Cassie asked. "There's not some kind of special device you have in your ship that could give us special powers?"
((Of course not...)) the Alien said.
"Hey guys, look what I found!" I said, walking out of the ship, holding a small blue cube.
"Jake, how did you get over there?" Marco asked, astonished. "You were right over there a second ago!"
I blinked in confusion. "Yea, anyways...I found this cube. What is it, Mr. ET?"
((Oh...that's nothing. Just an Andalite toilette...)) the Andalite lied.
"It shocked me when I picked it up." I said, looking down at the box. "It was kind of...nice."
I heard the Andalite mutter something.
"What was that?" Marco asekd.
((I SAID DAPSEN!)) The Alien snapped. ((Give me that cube. I guess I'll have to do something drastic, then.))
"You're gonna give us powers?" Rachel asked.
((Oh...that's another option.)) The Alien muttered. ((But I guess you would want your friend to keep his head.))
Before I could ask the Alien to repeat himself, he handed us all the cube and let us touch each side. My friends must have all felt the same funny feeling that I did when I fisrst touched it, because they were all laughing hysterically. Even Marco, and Marco never laughs.
((There, you can morph into Animals.)) The Alien said. ((Have fun with the Yeerks.))
Then, he turned and noticed the oncomming UFO's in the sky. He started shouting the word DAPSEN over and over again.
