Author Topic: First Three Chapters of my Vampire Novel...Only Up Until The End of December  (Read 2799 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

NateSean

  • Guest
These are the only chapters I'm posting of the novel I'm working on. It's only going to be up until the end of December but I would like to see what people think of it so far.

Up front, these vampires don't sparkle.
There's a small instance of cursing, but otherwise these chapters are PG-13ish.

http://www.writing.com/main/books/item_id/1726768-Retail-Vampires

Appreciate comments.

Offline Terenia

  • Jr. Staff
  • *****
  • Posts: 10125
  • Karma: 490
  • Gender: Female
  • Got it memorized?
I just started Chapter One and so far it's a great read! I'm enjoying it. :) I love Shaun's inner dialogue.

And I will, of course, leave a slightly more substantial comment when I get around to finishing.

Best Fanfiction Author 2008
Best Roleplay Writer 2009
RAFian Artist of the Year 2010
Best Roleplay Writer 2011
Best Roleplay Writer 2013

Offline Phoenix004

  • RAF Ancient
  • Sr. Staff
  • *****
  • Posts: 20492
  • Karma: 710
  • Gender: Male
  • With great RAFpower comes great RAFsponsibility...
Chapter One was a great read! I also loved the inner dialogue and I'll definitely read more tomorrow. Vampires (the ones that don't sparkle) are cool and I even started a Vampires story myself a while back. Wasn't very good though, yours is much better. :)
Animorphs Travels #1 The Invasion
http://animorphsforum.com/index.php?topic=10876.msg860745#msg860745

RAFcon 2015: It's always Hot Dog Day somewhere!

NateSean

  • Guest
Phoenix: Well, feel free to post it here and I'd be happy to give you an indepth critique. The worse thing any author can do to themselves is compare their work to someone else's. You have to believe in your own voice and believe that you have a unique story to tell.

Christmas T: I'd fully appreciate as in depth a critique as you'd care to give. Thanks again. :)

Offline Phoenix004

  • RAF Ancient
  • Sr. Staff
  • *****
  • Posts: 20492
  • Karma: 710
  • Gender: Male
  • With great RAFpower comes great RAFsponsibility...
Thanks Sean (we already have a Nate so I hope Sean's okay). I guess seeing so many great authors around (including the talented members of RAF) makes me think I'm worse than I am. Still, parts of it do make me cringe, as they may have been rushed slightly due to it being a Nano Wrimo story.

Sorry I haven't had time to read the other two chapters, will post my comments tomorrow.
Animorphs Travels #1 The Invasion
http://animorphsforum.com/index.php?topic=10876.msg860745#msg860745

RAFcon 2015: It's always Hot Dog Day somewhere!

Offline wildweathel

  • Werret of Portland
  • Gold Donor
  • *********
  • Posts: 1783
  • Karma: 200
  • Gender: Male
I love the concept; you've got me hooked from the blurb.

"Fight or flee" is spelled with "ee".  Other than that I'm having a heck of a time finding any problems with the first chapter.

You're not from a cold climate, are you?  Very cold air is too dry for snow and -20 (C or F) is just too cold.  20F/-5C is reasonable for after a snow storm and is still too cold for a Smurf tee.

On the other hand, the way you convey Sean's discomfort about buying the unmentionables in chapter 2 is absolutely spot-on brilliant.  I'm taking notes.

Unfortunately, chapter 3 leaves me feeling a little lost.  I'm having a hard time figuring out the story of the chapter and how it fits in to the whole.

But, that's just a little discomfort.  I'm sure it becomes clearer with the other pieces of the puzzle.

The narrative voice is amazing, the best I've read in the last week--and that's counting two of my favorite authors.  Can't really comment on the plot, as it's not really rolling yet and I'd certainly hope to meet the other characters.

More please.  When are you publishing?
Kony 2012
arrest the worst


Sharing a special bond of RAFenmity with Tocade since Dec '08.

NateSean

  • Guest
Thank you for the insight Wild. I'm actually a Vermonter by birth and in real life I grew up with a bit more tolerance for the cold than most. I've always been more comfortable during the colder months (Although even I need to wear a heavier jacket than Shaun) It frustrated the heck out of my teachers because they could never get me to wear a jacket unless I wanted to.

Right now my biggest goal is just finishing it. It was partially for nanowrimo, but 50,000 words isn't really a novel. That's barely fourteen chapters in a really good book. Afterwards I'm going to print out a rough draft and find a student from one of the colleges and see if I can get a one on one edit so I can have it nice and polished before I find an agent.

Post Merged: December 10, 2010, 12:04:46 PM
Thanks Sean (we already have a Nate so I hope Sean's okay).

Sean's fine.

One of my problems very early on was revision. I'd write a story but I would never go back over it or try to make it better. Maybe that's your challenge too.
« Last Edit: December 10, 2010, 12:04:46 PM by NateSean »

Offline Phoenix004

  • RAF Ancient
  • Sr. Staff
  • *****
  • Posts: 20492
  • Karma: 710
  • Gender: Male
  • With great RAFpower comes great RAFsponsibility...
Finally got a chance to read all three chapters and I'm really enjoying it so far! Seriously, I would definitely buy this if you managed to get it published. I would love to read more of it if you are willing.

As others have already said, your narrative style is very impressive. It creates just the right amount of sympathy for your character. I also like how you're revealing just enough information to keeps us interested without giving too much away.

Reading this does make me want to go and work on my Vampire story again. My Vampires also age much slower than normal and have a high tolerance for cold temperatures (they evolved in a much colder climate than humans), but mine can spend brief amounts of time in direct sunlight without harm (although when passing as human tend to wear sunblock like you described).

My main problem with writing is that I come up with cool ideas, start them and then get distracted by a different idea and start working on that instead. Naturally, this means I tend to make very little progress on most of my stories. I will go back to work on my Vampire story eventually, and when I do there's a good chance I will completely re-write the beginning.

Best of luck with your writing. :)
Animorphs Travels #1 The Invasion
http://animorphsforum.com/index.php?topic=10876.msg860745#msg860745

RAFcon 2015: It's always Hot Dog Day somewhere!