Star Wars - Roleplayed

[Kitulean]

So, a looooooooooong time ago, I was writing, in semi-script format, the movie of Star Wars: A New Hope as though the actors in the film were actually roleplaying the story, with George Lucas as the game master. I haven't written anything for it in an incredibly long time, but at the time, other people thought it was pretty funny. Also, I didn't actually get all the way through the movie, but I might be persuaded to do something with it at some point just for the fun of it.

It's also pretty long, at 14k words, so I'm just going to post around half of it to start to gauge if there's any interest in my posting the rest.

Also, warning, I was a loooooot less practiced in writing at this point. There isn't really a lot of story here, mostly just jokes following the plotline of the movie. If that's your cup of tea, enjoy and let me know if it makes you laugh. If not, no big deal, since I just pasted it from my computer after years and years of it doing nothing at all.

So, here you go:

And the entrance of the players for this stunning new RPG that George has decided to try is punctuated by complaints about the lack of pizza. Before getting into that however, let's meet the players.

Gamemaster: George Lucas is a very creative guy, but falls short on figuring out the details such as soda and asking his parents permission.

Luke Skywalker: Mark Hamil is new to RPG's, and the others have to "give him a chance"

Threepio: Tony Daniels has rpged a lot, and his last character was such a gunbunny that he's decided to play something decidedly different this time around.

Chewbacca: Peter Mayhew is so used to GMing that this time he just wants the ability to tear things in half. Last game Peter got so frustrated that he was unable to form coherant sentences. He's been convinced to use this ability in game.

Princess Leia: Carrie Fisher is the only girl in the group. She's gamed once or twice before, enough to realize that it can be fun. Being the only girl can have its advantages *eyeflutter at the george*

Han Solo: Harrison Ford is the most seasoned gamer in the group. He's played multiple games with George before, and his last character was an archeologist/explorer. This time around he's taking advantage of the space setting, since he's always wanted to play a pilot.

That's the lot of them, let's see where their adventures go. (as if we didn't already know...)

*********************************************

Carrie: Okay, so what's going on again?

Harrison: We haven't started yet Carrie, remember. We're playing the space game this time.

Carrie: Oh yeah, so who's the new guy?

Mark: I'm Mark, sorry... it's my first time. What are we doing.

Peter: Well, at the moment we're waiting for George to finish arguing with his parents. The dumbass didn't ask permission first.

Mark: Are they mad at him?

Tony: *looks up from playstation* Nah, they ain't mad. They'll "discuss the issue" for awhile, then tell him to stop ignoring his friends. If we're lucky Mrs. Lucas will order a pizza.

Peter: I hope so, I'm starving.

Carrie: Of course you are, you ate like... a whole two hours ago.

Peter: Are you trying to imply somethign?

Carrie: *smiles sweetly* Not a thing dear.

Mark: So, my character sheet looks okay then? *holds it up*

Tony: Don't show it to us dude, we don't know what you're capable of.

Peter: *glancing at the sheet* Not much from the look of it.

Mark: Well, George helped me, he told me what to put and said that it'd make sense later.

Harrison: Oh yeah, it'll make sense later.

Tony: How do you know?

Harrison: Cuz I helped him make it up of course.

Carrie: Figures, you always have inside knowledge.

Harrison: *smiles and is hit by a pillow*

George: Okay guys, it's okay. My parents are going out. We've gotta listen for the door though. My mom ordered a pizza.

Peter: YES! *pumps his fist* I love your mom dude.

George: Yeah sure, whatever. *plops down into a beanbag chair* Can we start?

Tony: Yes please, this damned thing keeps killing me. *shuts off playstation*

Carrie: Sure, but you better sit next to Mark. He uhhh.. *looks at the poor guy* might need help. I don't think he even understands what I mean when I say roll THAC0.

Mark: Huh?

George: Right, Mark... *pats banana chair next to him* sit over here.

Mark: *moves over to the banana chair*

George: Alright, since the last game ended, you all agreed to play a new game, one set in space.

Peter: Yeah, and this time "someone" won't set off the bomb before "someone else" manages to get out of the building?

Tony: I don't have any idea what you're talking about.

Peter: Why'd you respond then?

Mark: Ummm...

Carrie: Ignore them, they'll get over it once we start.

George: Yeah, anyway... This game takes place a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away.

Mark: Wait, if it's a long time ago, how can it be in space.

Tony: *rolls his eyes*

Carrie: *as gently as she can manage* Because it's in a galaxy far away. Where they got into space even longer before that.

Mark: Oh yeah, sorry.

Harrison: It's far FAR away, remember?

Carrie: Whatever.

George: *frustration evident* ANYWAY... you all know that the galaxy is run by a great evil Empire. They rule the galaxy with an iron fist.

Harrison: There's a rebel movement isn't there?

George: Yes Harrison, there is. I was just getting to that.

Tony: Wait, I'm there aren't I?

George: *confused* Where? We haven't started yet.

Tony: In the rebellion.

George: Oh that, yeah I suppose we could start there.

ony: Great, so where am I?

George: You're on a rebel ship. It's a corvette...

Tony: Awesome.

George: Not that kind of corvette.

Carrie: Idiot.

Peter: Like you know.

Carrie: Yeah, but we're in space... duh.

Tony: I know that, I was just saying...

George: So, you're in this corvette. It's already gotten the ×××× beat out of it by this Gigantic Star Destroyer behind it.

Tony: Star Destroyer?

Harrison: A type of ship.

Mark: Cool name.

Carrie: *rolls eyes* Yeah, really original.

Peter: Why don't they fight back?

George: Cuz the Star Destroyer is like over 100 times their size. They're running away because they have a very important passenger...

Tony: *beams* Cool, I always...

George: Carrie.

Tony: Oh.

Carrie: Heh, cool.

George: *to carrie* You have something really important. *gives her a note*

Carrie: *reads* oh man... so now we're in trouble right?

George: Oh yeah.

Tony: It's cool, I'll protect you.

George: No you won't, you're a protocol droid without any capacity for violence, remember?

Tony: Oh yeah... *thinks hard* too late to change I suppose?

Harrison: C'mon dude, play something new.

George: Harrison's right, and besides... Yes it is too late to change.

Tony: Damn.

George: So anyway, again. *glares* the corvette is falling apart around you Tony. You... what was your droids name again?

Tony: *makes buzzing sound* I am designated C3P Zero. *makes popping sound*

George: No no, you sound human.

Tony: But I like wierd voices. Can I at least give him an accent?

Harrison: Oh boy, another Canadian accent. "May I serve you masters there Eh?"

Tony: Shut up, not canadian. And I don't sound like that.

Rest (except Mark): Yes you do.

Tony: *chucks a pillow randomly, it happens to bounce off of Marks head*

Mark: Ouch, could I uhhh... get something to drink?

Carrie: Sure Mark, *reaches behind her and pulls out a carton of soda* Here, have a pepsi. *hands one across the space between them*

George: Yes Tony, you can have the accent. At the moment your moving along the corridor with your counterpart.

Tony: Oooooooh. *grins lewdly*

Peter: You are such a...

Carrie: moron.

Tony: I am not. *takes a long gulp from his soda and finishes off with a long burp* Pass the pizza.

Harrison: It hasn't gotten here yet doofus. *ducks another pillow attack, then reaches behind to where it fell and holds it threateningly*

Mark: Should someone go up and wait for the pizza, I'll do it if you want.

George: No, you need to be here so you know what's going on. Don't worry, we'll hear it.

Carrie: Yeah, if nothing else Peter'll smell it coming as soon as it turns onto the street.

Peter: No way.

Tony: Yeah, what makes you think it'll take that long?

Peter: Go back to dying please.

George: No ones dying. Your counterpart is ummm... R2D2. It looks like a squat little trashcan. He only communicates with beeps and whistles.

Tony: You said the droids spoke english.

George: No, I said YOU spoke english. Your a translator for one of your professions. You speak a crapload of languages.

Tony: Six Million.

Harrison: *scoffs* There aren't six million languages.

Tony: There are in a galaxy far far away.

Harrison: *looks doubtful*

Tony: And I won't call them languages, I'll call them ummm... forms of communication.

Harrison: Wanna see my form of communication?

George: That's enough, *stands up and paces* Now, the ship is shaking with the force of the laser blasts hitting it.

Tony: So what CAN I do?

Carrie: Run away?

Peter: Didn't you hear? They already tried that.

Mark: Run faster?

All: *look at Mark amazed*

Mark: *blushes* I mean...

Harrison: No, I think he's on to something. Run faster. Tony, find the bridge.

Tony: Awesome

Carrie: I highly doubt a robot can do it any better.

Tony: Droid, droid... Droid.

George: Uh huh, but you still can't pilot.

Tony: Crap.

Mark: Sorry.

Tony: No wait... you are on to something. I wanna find an escape pod.

George: You can't get on one... *thinks* they're for biologicals only.

Tony: I'll wear a wig.

Peter: I'd pay to see that.

George: You're not there.

Peter: Too bad, I've got hair to spare.

Carrie: What are you, a space rock star?

Peter: Uh uh.

George: We'll get to that sooner if we could keep on track guys.

Tony: No wig then?

George: No wig.

Peter: Hey, I think the... *doorbell rings* Pizza's here.

All: (except Mark) *look pointedly*

Peter: I heard the footsteps coming up the walk.

Carrie: Right, so... gonna get that George?

George: Oh fine, *hops up and goes up the stairs, not very quietly*

Tony: *grumbling* can't pilot my foot.

Peter: (quickly) We know, ever since you tripped over Harrison's shoe the other day.

Tony: Oh.. shut up.

Harrison: C'mon guys, I wanna get to play sometime tonight.

Tony: Oh fine, I'll figure out what to do.

Carrie: Ask that counterpart of yours.

Tony: The what?

Harrison: *looking at George's notes* The trashcan thing.

Mark: (quietly) R2D2.

Tony: Oh yeah, that. Sure, why not.

George: Okay, here's the pizza. *sets it on the floor, all immediatly go after it* You guys weren't cheating or offering help were you?

Harrison: *from around mouthful of pizza* Of course not.

Tony: Oh very well, I'll ask that trashcan of mine if it knows what to do.

George: In character Tony.

Tony: Oy, trashcan... got any ideas?

Harrison: Be serious *throws the pillow he was holding* you're in trouble remember?

Carrie: Yeah, and you can't fight back.

Tony: You're right... *looks seriously troubled* We're doomed, absolutely doomed...*

George: Right, so you tell R2 that your doomed.

Peter: R2, cool... a short version. I can remember that.

Mark: I don't think it's that hard to remember.

Tony: ANYWAY We're doomed, they'll send us to uhhh... prison.

Carrie: Prison? For a droid?

Mark: Droids can work can't they?

George: Of course.

Tony: Oh fine, my luck they'll send us into some cave. A mine even. Ummm...

Peter: mmmmmm *licks his lips and eats the pepper in the pizza box*

Carrie: How can you eat those things, they're so spicy.

Peter: They've got no spice to them. See, no spice *eats the other*

Carrie: All they are is spice.

Tony: Spice, they'll have us mining spice on Kessel.

George: Wasn't that the name of your hometown in the D&D game?

Mark: D&D?

Carrie: Never mind, it fits anyway.

Harrison: Mining Spice on Kessel?

Tony: Still say it'd be a prison.

George: Fine, it's a spice mine on kessel for prisoners, happy?

Tony: Yeah, now what do I do?

Harrison: You just asked the trashcan remember?

All: R2D2!

Harrison: Whatever.

George: So you tell R2 that you believe that you're doomed and that you'll be headed for kessel?

Tony: Yeah, and that this important person...

George: Princess.

Harrison: Wasn't she a princess last time?

Peter: I hate not having breasts.

All: What?

Peter: It makes bribing the GM that much more difficult.

Carrie: *throws a couch cushion at peter* Shut up, and I was not a princess last time. I was just a servant.

Harrison: Oh yeah, you just acted that way.

George: Anyway, she's a princess.

Tony: Yeah, I tell the little munchkin droid that the princess's luck has run out.

George: Okay, so the laser blasts are hitting the ship, and you just asked for help from your counterpart. R2 beeps at you.

Tony: Hey #$@$# you too buddy.

Carrie: I dare bet you can understand him.

George: Carrie's right.

Peter: I'm telling you, breasts.

George: Shut up Peter, she was right.

Carrie: *sweetly* Excuse me. *stands up and starts beating the crap out of Peter with the cushion*

George: Anyway, R2 beeps at you and starts moving again.

Tony: Wait, where are you going? I follow him.

Peter: AHHHH *is covering his head with his hands*

George: You feel your ship being pulled up into the enemy ship

Tony: How, tow cables?

Mark: That'd look funny.

Harrison: *ducking a wild swing by Carrie* Tractor Beam.

George: Yeah... *looks at Harrison suspiciously, who shrugs* a tractor beam. And you see soldiers running past you to defend the ship.

Tony: I'm right behind you guys!

Carrie: *giving Peter a respite* Way behind, these guys are the only thing defending you remember Mr. I can't fight back?

Tony: oh yeah... WHAT TOOK YOU GUYS SO !@#$!@ LONG?!?

George: I'll just edit that out...

Tony: What?

George: Nothing, you see R2 pull away from you and start moving down the corridor. Just then you hear an explosion.

Tony: YEAH!!

Harrison and Carrie: It means they blew their way onto your ship dumbass.

Tony: Oh yeah.

Mark: Why can they blow their way through the ship now when their best shots before couldn't destroy the ship, only hurt it?

George: *pauses* Because they weren't trying to destroy it, only cripple it.

Mark: But if they can just blow through a hull that easily, wouldn't it make space combat really short?

George: ummmmm....

Harrrison: *whispers to George*

George: Yeah, they were explosives that had to be set right in the hatch. That's why the soldiers knew where to go.

Mark: Oh, okay.

George: *wipes his brow* Thanks Harrison.

Peter: Hey, no helping the GM.

Harrison: Sorry, I just want to get on with it.

George: Anyway, you hear laser fire. Sounds like a LOT of enemies.

Carrie: Well I should think so, with a ship that size.

Tony: Hey, you're in trouble here too... princess.

Peter: I think this is the part where you surrender dude.

Tony: I NEVER SURR...

Peter: Besides, they probably have better guns on that other ship.

Tony: EXCUSE ME!!! I'M OVER HERE!!! I've got something... important...

George: Edit that too...

Tony: Huh?

George: Never mind, you wouldn't say that. Besides, R2 just went that way. *points*

Peter: To the kitchen?

Carrie: *incredilously* You just ate.

Peter: fighting you gave me an appetite.

Carrie: Breathing gives you an appetite. Is that all you think with, your stomach?

Harrison: Heh, thinking with his stomach. I'll have to remember that.

George: Anyhow, we're ready for you Carrie.

Peter: Dude, you're gonna meet the princess.

Tony: Cool, how do I look?

George: Metallic, now are you following or not?

Tony: Yeah I'm following.

Carrie: So where am I?

George: You're trying to find a way to get rid of you know what.

Carrie: Oh yeah, can't get caught with that.

Harrison: Caught with what?

Carrie and George: Never mind.

Tony: Yeah I'm following the little numbskull.

George: You start to go across the corridor when you are suddenly attacked by a bunch of enemy soldiers. They dress all in white armor with white helmets. They're called stormtroopers.

Tony: Fat lotta good my side did.

Carrie: What'd you expect? And besides, you don't know how well they did before they were overwhelmed.

Peter: Girls got a point.

Carrie: Thank you Peter.

Peter: No problem, just don't hit me again. *rubs head*

Mark: Any pizza left?

Harrison: Yeah, over here. *slides pizza to Mark*

Tony: Back to my getting my ass shot off.

George: Quite. Anyway, they start firing at you.

Peter: Oh crap.

Tony: Yeah, oh crap.

George: Hehehe... the only possible way for you to get through this one is if every last one of them misses their attack roll by at least five. And that just ain't gonna happen.

Tony: AHHHHHH I cover my head.

Peter and Carrie: Why? All the important stuff is lower. *both look at each other, amazed*

Tony: Hardy har.

George: *rolls* *rolls again...* ummm... *rolls one more time* Well.... crap.

Tony: I'm dead aren't I?

George: No, they all missed.

Mark: But you said..

George I know what I said Mark... move on Tony.

Tony: I love your dice dude.

George: Yeah yeah...

Carrie: So I'm looking for a place to put this.

George: Yeah, and you see this little droid wheeling up to you.

Tony: Way to go trashcan, you found the booty.

Carrie: The what?

Tony: the princess.

Carrie: That's what I thought.

Peter and Harrison: Ooooh, beat down by a girl.

Carrie: What?

Peter and Harrison: Nothing Ma’am.

Mark: Can you give whatever it is to R2?

Carrie: Hey, that's a good idea. And tell him to take it to an escape pod.

Tony: HAH! That won't work, only biologicals can use them remember?

George: But Carrie can over-ride that.

Peter: *holds pillow under shirt, simulating breasts* Hey George, can I have a car?

George: No.

Peter: Damn, not big enough?

Tony: Not real enough most likely.

Peter: Then why does Carrie get... *ulp* Never mind.

Carrie: Finish the sentence... C'mon, finish the sentence.

Peter: I need to use the restroom, yell if ya'll need me.

Carrie: Uh huh, run away.

Peter: I never run.

Tony: He doesn't dare, takes too much coordination.

Peter: Hush up you. *goes to the restroom*

George: *rolls his eyes* Okay, are you gonna try to get R2 to do it?

Carrie: Yeah.

George: Okay, Tony?

Tony: Yeah?

George: You see a beautiful woman bending over your counter-part and giving him something.

Tony: ****ing NPC's, always getting my goods.

Peter: *coming back in* Okay, what'd I miss?

Carrie: Tony about to get beat down worse than you.

Peter: Ooooh, made it back just in time.

Tony: You wouldn't want to hurt little innocent me would you?

Harrison: The last time you were innocent was the second grade, just before the mashed potatoes and Miss Woods hair incident.

Carrie: But John Depp got blamed for that.

Tony: *grins* I know... *ducks a swing*

Harrison: Hey, sorry... I mean, we knew you had a thing for the guy but I figured you'd be over it by now.

Carrie: *fumes* I don't know what your talking about.

George: This is all nice and wonderful, but can you finish putting the you know what in you know who so you know who doesn't find you know what and take the you know what out of the you know what before you know who can exploit the you know what in order to defeat you know who you know when?

All: (except George) What?

George: Never mind, just put the thing in the droid.

Carrie: Oh, right. I put it in there.

George: Okay, the both of you hear stormtroopers coming.

Carrie: I'll lead them away, I want to take a couple down too.

George: Okay, there's a doorway you can go to. It leads to a maintenence room.

Peter: Well that's convenient.

Carrie and George: Quiet.

Tony: So now what?

George: You see R2 moving past you and heading away.

Tony: Hey wait, where are you going? You know that those stormtroopers are going to kill us right?

Harrison: You're just sore about not being able to play your old character.

Tony: There was nothing wrong with him.

George: He had six arms, four of which had laser guns implanted, an extendable cannon on his left shoulder, and a tactical nuclear grenade launcher in his torso. And those were just the OBVIOUS weapons.

Tony: I still fail to see the problem.

Carrie: And that's why you're playing a droid now.

Tony: You guys tricked me into it.

George: Sure, now are you gonna stand there and get shot or follow R2.

Tony: Oh I'll follow him, but I'm gonna complain the whole way.

Harrison: I'm sure you will.

Tony: And what's that supposed to mean?

Harrison: Nothing... *cough*reddragoncave*cough*

Tony: *starts to say something and then stops*

Carrie: I go into the maintenance room and wait until the troopers come in, then shoot at them.

Tony: Wait, the PRINCESS gets a gun?

George: She's a rebel princess.

Tony: But I'm a rebel droid.

Harrison: Who is programmed to have NO capacity for violence.

Tony: *mimicking*no capacity for violence... that's a load of crap. Whoever heard of a robot not programmed for destruction?

Carrie: Will Robinson.

Tony: Who?

George: That's why she gets the gun. Roll your to hit Carrie.

Carrie: How do I do that?

George: Roll that D20.

Carrie: Okay.

Harrison: Cool, you got 14.

Carrie: yeah, 14.

George: Okay, now look at your character sheet and add your ranged attack bonus. It's right there. *points*

Mark: *looking at his sheet* Why do I have a negative number?

George: What? Harrison, help him please.

Harrison: that's just pointing at the number dude, not a minus sign.

Mark: Oh, right.

Carrie: Okay, here's what I got.

George: Okay, you hit him.

Tony: No fair, why does she get to hit the guys.

George: She's also about to get shot.

Tony: Ah, forget I said anything.

Carrie: SHOT?!

George: On stun, don't worry.

Harrison: Yeah Princess, you've gotta get caught so I can rescue you.

Carrie: Please god don't let him rescue me.

George: Wish granted.

Carrie: Thanks. *smiles*

Peter: Tra la la boobies.... tra la la boobies...

Harrison: Hey wait a minute.

George: What? *goes back to his notes*

Mark: *to Harrison* Do you save the princess a lot.

Harrison: That's my job, at least when I'm not being chased by irish patriots intent on killing everyone I know.

George: Hey, your the one that had to get involved.

Harrison: It was a game, you set it up.

George: *smiles*

Peter: What's this?

Harrison: Nothing, just a solo thing.

Tony: So that's where you guys were doing that one night.

George: Yeah, that and watching bad movies with bad directing.

Carrie: pshhh... like you'd recognize bad directing.

Harrison: Sure he would, George has an affinity for bad directing.

George: And what exactly is that supposed to mean?

Harrison:: Nothing, just remembering Alien 3.

Mark: What was wrong with that movie?

Tony: I'll tell you what, Hicks and Newt never should have died.

Peter: Oh great, you got him started. *throws a pillow at Mark*

Harrison: Don't take it out on Mark, it's true. Killing off both of them between movies was stupid.

Mark: Oh yeah, the little girl?

Tony: Yeah, the little girl. She was such an awesome character. I would have paid to see more movies detailing her growth in the galaxy, knowing that monsters do exist. Her trials as she struggles to continue her childhood with the nightmares that plague her. Her inability to function among normal people she sees as ignoring the facts around them in order to continue their mindlessly happy existance.

Carrie: ..... Right... so, you've thought this out.

Harrison: Thought it out, he wanted to direct it.

Tony: I'm telling you, people would pay good money.

George: Is there any possible chance that we could stay on topic?

Peter: Right, sorry.

Carrie: So I'm going to shoot at them as they come through the doors.

Mark: You did that.

George: He's right, now it's their turn.

Carrie: Awww crap.

George: Okay, what's your defense?

Carrie: *scanning the sheet* Looks like fourteen.

George: Okay.

Tony: Hey, my defense is only eleven.

Harrison: You're also just a droid.

Tony: I'll make you eat those words.

Harrison: Sure you will, I'll just have my copilot perform some 'creative repairs' when you get hurt.

Tony: co-pilot?

George: Never mind, they're shooting at you Carrie. *rolls* crap, They miss high. They say something about getting you. When they talk, it sounds like it's coming over a radio.

Carrie: Cool, I'm gonna shoot again.

George: Okay, tell me what you get.

Tony: This oughtta be good, the princess is gonna take out the boarding party.

Carrie: *pause* I rolled a four.

Tony: Or not.

Mark: So you're supposed to roll high?

George: *pause* Yeah. Harrison, show him a little would you?

Harrison: Yeah sure.

George: So anyway, where was I?

Carrie: I'm getting shot.

George: You're getting shot.

Tony: She's getting shot!

Peter: You're getting shot?

Carrie: I'm getting shot.

Harrison: Who's getting shot?

Mark: She's getting shot.

George: She's being shot.

Carrie: I'm being shot?

Tony: You're being shot.

Harrison: She's being shot.

Carrie: I'm being shot.

Mark: Is she shot?

George: She's shot.

Carrie: I'm shot?

Tony: You done been shot woman.

Carrie: WOMAN?

Tony: And now I'm shot.

George: *rolls* Yeah, the stun blast hits you Carrie. You're knocked out.

All: She's shot.

George: Moving on.

Harrison: Please, that was wierd.

Tony: So, did the big beautiful target buy us enough time to get away?

Carrie: You called me beautiful... are you feeling alright?

Tony: Hey, I'm just going by what the big man said *points at George* I figure if I can pull off playing a robot, you can pull off playing someone who looks..

Carrie: What? Say it... c'mon.

Mark: I think she looks fine.

All: *embarrassed silence*

Peter: *breaking the pause* Yeah, I'm with him. Now *pause* can we get on with Tony getting attacked?

Carrie: *flops down onto the couch with her hand over her head in a mock faint*

George: What are you doing?

Carrie: *raises her head up an inch to look at him* I'm LARPing.

Mark: larping?

George: Never mind, she's playing out what her character is doing.

Peter: I'm not sure if she should be larping what's going on.

Carrie and George: What do you mean?

Peter: *pause* Well, just how often do these troops ummm... get out?

George: Peter... you are nasty. They're taking her to meet the boss.

Carrie: @#%^ Peter, just how dirty is your mind?

Peter: Do you want me to answer that?

Carrie: Not really.

George: So Tony, you're following R2.

Tony: Yeah. Hey trashcan, where you going? Does he look like he knows?

George: Oh yeah, he looks like he knows.

Tony: So tell me, where you going. Oy, trashcan. Don't you roll away from me! I've got half a mind to install a foot pedal on your @$$ and hitch a ride!

George: He's heading for the escape pods.

Tony: Hey, we can't go here. No droids allowed, didn't you get the memo? It was right after the bit about no grenades.

Harrison: There was a memo?

Tony: How should I know? I would assume so.

George: This stuff is programmed into you. You know it before you are activated.

Tony: Programmed, the cheap way out.

Peter: Not nearly as cheap as the Magic Scroll of Hyndasc

George: It was a book, with an entire ritual involved.

Harrison: *pause* You dropped water on our heads and gave us the entire history of the world.

George: Bite me. It was a long day.

Tony: Hey, I kinda liked it.

Harrison: Yeah, but it wasn't nearly as cool as the time that we did that session in your grandparents hot tub.

George: You still think that was cool?

Tony: Yeah, that was awesome. Especially since Carrie was there too.

Carrie: You don't think it would have been as good without me? *looks pleased*

Harrison: Of course. Somehow, seeing George in the bikini just wouldn't have been the same.

Carrie: *blushes* Hey, you guys told me it didn't matter.

Peter: We lied. Guys lie, get used to it.

Carrie: Trust me, I am.

George: So, you get into the escape pod?

Tony: Sure, but I'm gonna kick that little runt on my way in. He should tell me what's going on.

Harrison: He doesn't want to make you feel bad.

Tony: Make me feel bad?

Harrison: Since he got some and you didn't.

Tony: Ass *kicks lightly at Harrison*

Carrie: Just because it is more likely that I would make out with a dumpster before Tony doesn't give you the right to make fun of him for it.

Tony: *long pause* I'm not sure what to say to that.

Carrie: *snickers*

Harrison: *coughs*

Mark: *looks blank*

George: Should I mention that if these guys decide that the escape pod taking off is a threat, it'll be really simple for them to blow it up?

Tony: It would be nice to know that, yes. Let me off.

George: Too late, you're on your way.

Carrie: So he’s about to get killed?
Tony: Any particular reason you don’t look very upset by that?

Carrie: Nothing at all dear. Just one hypothetical question though.

Tony: Shoot. *cringes* Bad choice of words.

George: Yup. *proceeds to roll several things*

Harrison: What’s the question?

Carrie: Oh yeah, hey Tony?

Tony: *pause* What?

Carrie: Does your mother ever look at you and mutter under her breath?

Tony: *blinks* Yeah, why?

Carrie: Because I just figured out what she mutters.

Tony: Really, what?

Carrie: Please god let him get into an out-of-state college.

Tony: Hey, that wasn’t nice, funny though.

Carrie: Thank you.

Tony: Sure, anytime. Now can we get off this ship?

George: You’re going. You’re also lucky.

Tony: Not that lucky, she’s still sitting over there.

Carrie: Why, I didn’t know you cared.

Tony: I don’t, but I need a girl and you’re the closest thing we’ve got. Mark’s not my type.

Mark and Carrie: Hey!

George: You’re lucky because they elected not to shoot you.

Tony: Yeah great, lucky me. I'm stuck in a tincan with a tincan.... I kick it.

George: Kick what?

Tony: The mini-tincan.

Harrison: Heh, mini-tincan.

Carrie: Good lord, not another mini.

Tony: Ever since those M&M's came out, everythings gone mini.

Peter: *leering at Carrie* Not.... EVERYTHING.

Carrie: *smiling sweetly* No, somethings always were mini.

Harrison: OUCH.

Peter: *clutches his chest* Thou hast wounded me.

Carrie: Thy wounds lead thee not to a land promised of riches and knowledge?

Peter: Thou wouldst leave a man torn atwain whilst he lies dolven below dark rocks wherefrom the eyot bends the mighty river to the vast deepness of the tarn?

Carrie: *raising her eyebrows* Alas nay pitiful waif. Though thy voice assay make thee appear afeard, thy bladher is ne sufficient. Mayhaps thou ought acs thine self wherefrom thou believe this lass will go today night afore thou assay to make her a fool.

Peter: *claps* Very good.

Carrie: *also claps* Very surprisingly, you too. I thought you didn't pay attention in English.

Mark: That was english?

Peter: In a way Mark. And I don't pay attention in English. I learned how to speak like that from my brother during a D&D game.

George: Is there any possible way in the seven hells and infinite heavens that we might... possibly... maybe... stay on topic for THIS game?

Tony: Sure, have we landed yet?

George: Sure, why not?

Carrie: Wait, did I wake up yet?

George: Fine, someone grab a coin, we'll see who goes next.

Harrison: How about they pick a number between one and one thousand?

George: Ummm... okay...

Harrison: Great, go ahead Tony.

Tony: Hmmm... five hundred and ninety-seven?

Harrison: Ooooh, nope... I'm sorry but that's wrong. Guess you get to be first Carrie.

Carrie: *stiffles a laugh*

Tony: Hey... wait a minute...

Peter: Is the pizza gone already?

George: ALREADY?! You had practically an entire pizza to yourself.

Peter: Key Word there is Practically.

George: Oh for the love of... *grits teeth* Okay Carrie, you wake up and find yourself facing a line of Storm Troopers. They hold their blasters on you and order you to get up and follow them.

Carrie: I don't suppose I have a choice right now.

Harrison: Just wait toots.

Carrie: I swear to God, if you call me Toots in game....

Harrison: I pledge on my honor that I will not call you toots.

Carrie: Honor?

Harrison: Okay okay, I pledge on my playstation.

Carrie: That's better.

Mark: One or Two?

Harrison: What?

Mark: Playstation One or Two?

Harrison: What difference does it make?

Tony: About 150 bucks of "honor"

Harrison: Oh alright, my PS2.

George: Sheesh, they lead you down the hallway.

Carrie: Yeah yeah, I'm going. I swear I'm gonna end up saving everyone else if you dolts manage to act the way you normally do.

Peter: *with his mouth full* Mommflo blo?

Carrie: That's disgusting. What are you eating anyway?

Peter: *swallows* Candy Bar, forgot I had it. What do you mean Normally do?

Carrie: I'm just thinking about the woodpecker and lamp oil incident.

Tony: HEY, that halfling had it coming to him, okay?

Carrie: Sure, but what did the poor fairy do?

Peter: Not much, she made an excellent dart though.

Carrie: And you wonder why the forest hates us.

George: The forest isn't gonna be the only thing that hates you.... Anyway, you are led, rather roughly down the hall. By the way, your hands are in binders... like futuristic handcuffs. They lead you into a room with a tall dark figure.

Carrie: Is he handsome too?

Harrison: No, it's not me.

Carrie: I'll ignore that...

George: Good idea.

Carrie: So, tall dark figure?

George: Yes, he's a tall, menacing figure. You hear raspy breathing... kind of like when someone is in a scuba diving outfit. That's when you realize that the man before you is none other than the right-hand man of the evil Emperor... Darth Vader.

Harrison: *covers his mouth*

Tony: *coughs* Darth... Vader?

George: Yeah, what's wrong with that?

Peter: Nothing... *coughs* Vader... Darth....

Tony: Dude, where did that name come from.

George: Well, I took the Dar from Dark and the th from Sith.

Mark: Sith?

Carrie: Ummm... I thought those guys were stuck in Waterdeep.

Mark: Waterdeep.

Carrie: D&D again. Remind us, sometime we'll show you.

George: Yeah, well... in this game the Sith are the bad guys. Opposite of the Jedi.

Tony: Jedi?

George: The good guys.

Tony: Oh, right... obviously. *slaps forehead*

George: And Vader comes from Invader.

Peter: *snorts* Why didn't you just name him Dark Sith Invader.

George: Well... actually.... *looks embarrassed*

Tony: What?

George: Nothing

Carrie: Tell us, or we'll tell Mark about the pool incident.

George: Fine, I did type it up the way Peter said... but.. umm... when I printed it out it was all messed up and squished together. That's what I got out of it. *looks hurt* I thought it sounded cool.

Peter: So this Darth Vader fellow. He's imposing?

George: Yeah, he looks like a big foreboding dark knight. Space age though.

Carrie and Tony: "I'll bite your knees off!"

George: "I knew that was coming."

Harrison: "So we'll call it a draw."

George: Now don't you start.

Peter: "Ni."

George: What?

Peter: "Ni."

George: Oh lord.

Mark: Ummm... what?

Carrie: Nothing... just.... oh lord I can't resist. *looks at Mark* Hey Mark...

Mark: Ummm..... yeah?

Carrie: How do you tell if someones a witch?

Mark: What?

Peter: C'mon, how do you tell if someone's a witch?

Mark: I... dunno.

Carrie: You check to see if she weighs the same as a duck.

Mark: Wait... what?

Carrie: If someone weighs as much as a duck, then she must be a witch, because a duck floats, like wood. Wood burns, so that must be why witch's burn. They're made of wood, and weigh the same as a duck.

Mark: *blinks* What?

Tony: We have got to Monty Python him.

Mark: Monty Whatey me?

George: Later... later. Right now you're brought before Darth Vader.

Carrie: I shoulda known it was him, the smell gave him away.

George: Smell?

Carrie: Yeah, you said it was a sith right? Last time I checked, we left our sith follower mucking out a pig stall in Waterdeep.

Mark: D&D again?

George: Yeah, and it doesn't carry over Carrie.

Tony: There's a song in there somewhere.

Harrison: *singing* Carry on Carrie... Carry on....

Carrie: Ugh... stop it. I may have to feed you to a garbage bin.

Harrison: How would you do that?

Carrie: In character.

Harrison: I repeat the question.

Carrie: I'm very creative.

Peter: No sh*t.

Carrie: What's that supposed to mean?

Peter: Oh nothing... I'm just remembering the infamous blue flame candle incident.

Carrie: It got us away from the bug bear didn't it?

Tony: I coulda taken that bug bear..

Harrison: Taken it where, out to eat?

Tony: Hardy har.

Mark: *slowly shakes his head* Big dark knight guy..?

George: Yeah, thanks Mark. So Carrie, what do you do?

Carrie: I imagine I try to convince him that this is just a diplomatic vessel and that he's overstepped his authority.

George: He doesn't buy it, he insists that you are a spy and a rebel.

Tony: oooooh... busted.

Carrie: Shut up you. I deny it.

Harrison: That's right, deny... deny... deny.

Carrie: Why not? You always do.

George: He wants to know where that data is.

Tony: Data?

Mark: Isn't he on the Enterprise?

Everyone blinks at Mark.

Mark: What, I'm not allowed to watch late night reruns?

Harrison: No... it's just... well.... you...

Carrie: Don't seem like the type to... well...

Peter: Oh hell, Mark, we didn't think you were dork enough.

Mark: I'm not dork enough...? First time I've heard that.

Tony: Trust me, it'll probably be the last time too.

Mark: Sure.

Harrison: Can you feel the love? I can.

Peter: That's the pizza making a comeback.

Carrie: How could it? You got the whole thing.

Peter: That's not true, I only ate half of it.

George: Yes, half for you and half for everyone else.

Peter: Sounds fair to me.

Carrie: Yes, and we all know what your definition of 'Fair' is.

Peter: Whatever works for me and doesn't hurt anyone too badly.

Harrison: Define too badly

George: How hurt you're going to be if we don't stay on topic.

Carrie: Alright Sparky, it's to you. I just insulted your badass villain.

George: Okay, fine... *thinks for a minute* I'm going to give you some out of character knowledge. Here's a scene of what happened before Carrie entered the room...

Mark: Out of character knowledge?

Harrison: Where he tells us something or describes a scene that we can know about but our actual characters don't.

Tony: What you've been seeing all night really.

Peter: Tell me about it...

Tony: Well first it involved you getting a pizza...

George: Enough, this is a scene with Vader threatening the ships Captain.

Carrie: Oooooh... intimidation factor.


George: So Lord Vader lifts the Captain 3 feet off the
deck...

Carrie: What's his name?

Peter: Who cares?

George: Ummm, Captain Antilles.

Tony: Thank you, National Geographic.

Carrie: Huh?

Harrison: It's an island chain in the South Pacific.

Carrie: How do you know that?

Peter: Isn't that the one with...?

Mark: (Cutting Peter off) Yeah.

George: Which issue is that?

Mark: (Through clenched teeth) Later.

Carrie: I swear you boys do all your thinking below
the rib cage.

Peter: (Cupping chest suggestively) Well, we kinda
have to.

Carrie: Oooh! (yanks pillow from behind Mark and
whips it at Peter)

Mark: Hey!

George: So, Lord Vader is holding Captain Antilles 3
feet off the deck by his throat...



Carrie: I highly doubt that he's getting 3 feet into the air.

George: You'd be surprised... he tells the Captain to tell him where the plans are.... where anything is really. And the captain insists that they are a diplomatic vessel.

Tony: Wow, a captain with a spine, didn't see that last game.

Carrie: No kidding.

Harrison: Whoa... that's right... kinda nice to see a brave captain.

Peter: Yeah I... HEY WAIT A MINUTE, I WAS THE CAPTAIN!

Harrison: Yeah?

Carrie: That's the point.

Peter: Awww... blow it out your ears.

Tony: Funny, I think I actually DID blow it out my ears with your piloting skills matched against that little wave.

Peter: LITTLE WAVE?!? That thing as twelve stories tall!

Harrison: You also failed your perception check. It was twelve stories tall to you. For those of us who put points in something other than cooking, it was only a seven foot wave.

Carrie: Also, you were drunk at the time.

Tony: He was drunk all the time.

Peter: Oh look who's talking Mr. Fosters the barbarian.

Tony: ...That's Faustares.

Carrie: Kinda articulate name for a barbarian isn't it?

George: He was lost as a young man and found by a band of gypsies. They renamed him Faustares and taught him how to say it correctly.

Harrison: Ahhh... were THEY drunk at the time?

Carrie: Gypsies? What were they, the Fat Tire clan?

George: So the Captain refuses to tell the truth... Vader kills him.

Tony: Bastard.... Jerk... d*ckhead....

Carrie: Wow, why has that got you so upset?

Tony: Huh what? No, I'm going through the names of the crew on Captain Peter's ship.

Peter: It was late okay? I'd just had to deal with another flat tire.

Harrison: Flat tire or Fat tire?

Carrie: Both probably.

Peter: Uh uh, that would be drinking underage, and I don't do that.

Harrison, George, and Tony all raise their eyebrows and tilt their heads questioningly.

Peter: THAT DOESN'T COUNT!

Carrie: What doesn't count?

Mark: huh?

Harrison: Well, see Peter and I were at church--

Peter: Don't tell her.

Carrie: At church?

Harrison: *coughs* Long story there. Anyway, so we--

Peter flings himself at Harrison.

Harrison: *fending Peter off with a pillow* And well... we'd just had to walk there... a long ways. They passed around the sacramental wine, in those tiny cups... and--

Peter: Oh for the love of.. I think George wants to move on.

George: I do, but I'm enjoying this.

Harrison: ANYWAYS, We were both really thirsty and Peter... well neither of us realized that the wine they were using was real wine.... he kept sneaking around to different parts of the church and taking another cup... by the end... he was--

Peter: *sings loudly* OH SAY CAN YOU SEE!!!

Tony grabs a pillow and smothers Peter with it, silencing him.

Harrison: *smiling* By the end, he had climbed up on the altar and began dancing and singing show-tunes.

Everyone collapses in laughter as Peter glares at Harrison.

Carrie: *wiping tears of laughter from her eyes* You got drunk off of sacramental wine and performed show-tunes on a church altar?

[Alic]

i don't read things this long usually.
but i love star wars, and actually watched one of them yesterday. so i read it.

i like it! it made me smile. is this all of it or did you have more?

[Kitulean]

Glad it made you smile, Patty. Yeah, here's ummm, well I'll make it a bit smaller and paste in half of the remaining since the whole thing is about 4000 characters too long.


Peter: Oh piss off, I'm hungry.

Carrie: And this differs from any other day....?

Peter: Okay, I think we're all agreed that I tend to eat more than an average person.

Tony: Person? Try more than an average... average....

Mark: Hippo.

Tony: Errr... okay, yeah. Hippo. *looks questioningly at Mark*

Mark: They can eat more than 150 pounds of food in one night.

Carrie: Seriously?

Mark: *nods*

Harrison: Okay... I'm not even going to ask how you knew that.

Mark: National Geographic remember?

Harrison: *looks blank*

Peter: *pokes Harrison* Antilles remember?

Harrison: OH! Right, the...

Peter: Yeah.

Tony: *to Mark* You mean to say that you actually read some of that stuff?

Mark: Ummm, yes. I started reading it one day when I was waiting for Aunt Tina to finish drying her shirt in the oven...

George: Drying her shirt in the oven?

Mark: Yeah... the ummm... the dryer was broken... my sister tried to... oh never mind.

Tony: Tried to what?

Mark: It involves the little hose thing in the back of the dryer, a whole bottle of hair gel, and Aunt Tina's bra.

Tony: Okay, you're right... I don't wanna know.

George: So he killed the guy.

All: *look at George blankly*

George: Darth Vader? Rebellion? Ship? Stars? Space game? Role-playing?

All: Oh yeah.

Carrie: Yeah okay, the guy got killed before I came in right?

George: Right.

Carrie: Okay then, I just continue to deny it. Hopefully someone with sense will be around later.

Tony: How do you know there'll be a later?

Carrie: There's always a later. They always send you away to sit in the prison and think about what they are going to do to you. It's part of the psychological torture thingie.

Harrison: Psychological torture thingie?

Carrie: Yeah, like how there's always at least a half hour wait in the dentist's office even when you show up right on time.

Harrison: Gotcha.

George: As a matter of fact, that's what he does.

Carrie: See?

Peter: All I see is yet another instance of boobies getting what they want.

George: *indignantly* I was going to end her scene there anyway so that we could get other people in here.

Peter: Right, sure.

Tony: OOOOOH, can we land now? I want out of this tin can.

George: Yeah sure, let's get this over with.

Tony: What's that supposed to mean?

George: You're in a desert. Nothing but sand as far as the eye can see, except for something that may be mountains off in the distance.

Tony: AHHHH NO! I ain't falling for that again. Whichever direction those mountains are, I'm going the other way.

Carrie: You know, this is a space game. The odds of that mountain being a dragon are...

Tony: I don't care. Having one character eaten while seeking shelter from the rain is enough for me thank you very much.

George: *through gritted teeth* Artoo seems to think that you should go towards the mountains.

Tony: I refuse.. it's ummm... too rocky.

Harrison: Too rocky? So you'd rather stay in the sandpit?

Tony: At least in sand you can tell when something's coming.

George: Artoo says that you need to finish the mission.

Tony: Mission? We had a mission? What mission is that scrappile talking about? No wait, never mind. I don't want to know. Fine, let the little refugee from a junk yard waddle off in whatever direction he wants. He's probably blind as a bat anyway. So he'll--

Mark: Bats aren't blind.

Tony: -- what?

Mark: Bats aren't blind. They see just fine.

Tony: Then why...?

Mark: It's a common mistake, because people used to think that bats were blind. It's since been proven that they see just as well as most other animals.

George: *coughs* Great, I'll be sure to write that down for Jeopardy later. Now back to you abandoning your only hope to surviving in this place?

Tony: Yeah, let's get back to that.

George: Okay fine, you're walking for hours. The sun is beating down on you and it feels like you're going to malfunction at any moment.

Tony: Bastard, you had Artoo trick me into going this way.

George: Excuse me?

Tony: You knew that I'd do the opposite of whatever he said, so you had him trick me.

George: Yeah, right. I just love you doing what I don't want you to do. Hang on a minute...

Carrie: *pokes Tony* Now you game the GM writers block.

Tony: How'd I do that? He's not writing anything.

Carrie: You know what I mean.

Tony: Hey, I go where I wanna go.

Harrison: Yeah, because when someone's standing in a desert with no landmarks except some rocky mountains in the distance, they always go anywhere but the mountains.

Tony: IT WAS A BIG F'ING DRAGON OKAY?!?

Peter: Don't worry about it Tony, we know you have issues with lizards.

Tony: That does not count, it was in second grade.

Peter: It does count, and it was in fifth grade.

Tony: Second.

Peter: Fifth, because we had Miss Lee.

Tony: Wait... Miss Lee was fifth grade?

Peter: Yup, I remember.

Tony: How do you remember that?

Carrie: Ummm.. because his memory doesn't absolutely suck? Please, everyone remembers their grade school teachers.

Tony: Not everyone... My grandpa--

Carrie: --Okay, so everyone up to a certain point. Once you get too old, you can't remember your own name.

Tony: Okay, true.

George: I've got it.

Tony: My second grade teacher?

Peter: FIFTH!

Tony: Okay, whatever.

George: *who hasn't been paying attention* Umm... what?

Harrison: Never mind, what have you got?

George: The answer.

Tony: To life?

Peter and Carrie: 42.

George: What?

Tony: Yeah, that's right.

George: I'm lost.

Mark: Me too.

Tony: The answer is 42.

Peter: It's the meaning of life.

Carrie: Life, the Universe, and Everything.

Tony: 42.

George: Right.

Tony: So lost in the desert?

Harrison: You're not lost, George knows exactly where you are.

George: Yeah, away from the mountains. *grumbles*

Tony: *starts to say something*

Carrie: *interrupting* We know, we know... dragons.

George: Thank you Carrie. Anyway, finally you see something in the distance. It looks like a really big vehicle of some sort.

Tony: Right, I'm going to go the other...

Harrison: *quickly* Really big? Like a... *sidelong glance at Tony* ... tank or something?

Tony: Tank?

George: Tank?

Harrison: *makes frantic signals behind Tony's back*

George: Ummm... Yeah, it could be a tank.

Tony: "YO! Dudes with the tank! Over here, I need a pick-up! *to Harrison* Are you sure about this.

Carrie: Hey, at least you can be fairly certain that it's not a dragon.

Tony: Good point.

Peter: Unless it's a rust dragon

Harrison, Carrie, and George: SHUT UP PETER!

George: *quickly before Tony can change his mind* The umm... tank-like thing rolls up to you. It's as big as a four story house.

Tony: *rubs his hands with glee* What do the guns look like?

George: Oh errr... they must be inside

Tony: Great, I--

George: A hatch opens and a bunch of little short guys.. .about three feet tall all drop out and surround you.

Tony: Short little guys? What are they, goblins?

Carrie: Were you trying to rob Gringotts?

Tony: *looks blank* Rob what now?

Carrie: Oh never mind.

Mark: Gringotts, that's the bank the goblins guard.

Peter: I thought you didn't play D&D.

Mark: I haven't....

Peter: Then why?

Carrie: Never mind, it's for more educated minds. *smiles at Mark, who beams*

George: ... right.... anyway...... *looks at Tony* They surround you and start jabbering at you in a strange language.

Tony: I punt one.

Carrie: YOU WHAT?!?

George: *hangs his head*

Tony: I punt one... Can I get it back through the hatch?

Mark: Ouch...

George: ummmm... no... because that would be violence. You're hardwired against violence.

Tony: Hardwired?

George: It means that you can't do violence at all... ever... unless you were to get a new body or something.

Tony: *grins*

George: Absolutely not.

Tony: Awww.... c'mon...

George: The only way it could happen is if your head ended up on another droids body somehow.... and that's just stupid...

Carrie: I think you're captured...

Tony: No way, I run.

George: You get about two steps when they fire something at you. When it lands, you figure out what it is.

Tony: So what is it?

George: It's a restraining bolt... a device used to keep droids in line. They can aim a little remote at you to make you do what they want.

Tony: Well crap.

Mark: Yeah, you have been captured.

Tony: Thanks Captain Obvious.

Peter: Obvious? This coming from the guy who once conveniently 'forgot' that his character had DIED in the previous adventure?

Tony: Hey, don't blame me. Harrison forgot too.

Harrison: I did not, I was testing you.

Tony: Testing my right butt cheek...

Carrie: Can we move away from Tony's buttcheek back to him being captured?

George: Right. Now you're ushered back towards the rear of the huge chamber that is inside the vehicle. It's full of old worn down droids.

Tony: Worn down? Then why am I here?

Carrie: I should think that would be obvious.

Tony: What's that supposed to mean? I'm like.. a brand new model.

George: Actually you're about thirty years old.

Tony: I'm what?

George: Plus you're made out of spare parts.

Tony: I'm what?

George: Plus you're... ummm... a first attempt.

Tony: I'm what?

Harrison: You're a school science project.

George: Something like that. Now you see Artoo making his way back here. He's got one of those restraining things too.

Tony: TRASHCAN! I run over to him and see if he knows what's going on.

George: Okay, so now you need to know what's going on. Elsewhere, off where your escape pod landed there are Stormtroopers all over the place looking for clues.

Peter: What, did they miss the giant metal pod sticking out of the ground?

Geoge: Clues about where they went once they landed.

Peter: Dude... it's a desert... shouldn't there be tracks?

Carrie: Dude... it's a desert... wouldn't the tracks get blown away and covered by now?

George: No, they wouldn't. The tracks are still there.

Peter: Odd... something must be wrong with the boobie recepter. * taps George on the forehead* You still getting signal alright there buddy?

George: I'm fine... what are you talking about?

Peter: Oh no... you actually went against Carrie? More to the point, you actually went against the boo--- *looks uneasily at Carrie, who looks back predatorily* I mean... you went against the personwith boobies?

George: Ummm... yes....

Peter: It's worse than I thought... Quick Carrie, take off your shirt. We need an immediat boobie transfusion.

Mark: Wouldn't that mean transferring her ummm... *looks nervous and blushes* boobies. to George?

George: *interupts before Peter can answer* And on that pleasant note, the Stormtroopers find the tracks and go off.

Tony: Oh good, cuz we wouldn't want to get away or anything.

Mark: You wouldn't?

Tony: Sarcasm.

Mark: Ah.

George: Okay, so the night passes. In the morning you are awakened by--

Peter: Awakened? He's a droid.

Tony: YEAH! I stay up all night and watch Letterman.

George: *closes his eyes and counts to ten* No... you don't. Because Letterman doesn't exist... see?

Tony: Hey, he may be getting on in years, but he's still there.

George: *very slowly* We...are...in...spa ce.... in....a.....new.... universe...

Tony: Fine, I'll watch Leno.

George: *cries quietly*

Harrison: No Leno Tony.

Tony: Oh fine, what am I stuck with then?

George: You have to shut off to recharge.

Peter: Ah, I'd wondered about that.

George: So anyway, you wake up becase the sand crawler stopped.

Tony: I try to find out what's going on, and I wake up trashcan. Maybe he can help.

George: The jawas start coming towards you.

Tony: Ahhh ****, not the munchkins of doom.... we're gonna die.

Harrison: Funny you should mention munchkin.

Tony: What's that supposed to mean?

Harrison: Nothing, nothing.

Carrie: Maybe they need spare parts for the crawler.

Tony: Don't even say that.

Carrie: *smiles sweetly* Why not honey?

Tony: Honey?

Mark: Honey?

Carrie: Well of course.

Tony: Are you feeling okay Carrie?

Carrie: I feel fine.

Tony: Then...?

Carrie: What? I'm not allowed to hope that Tony's the creation of a bunch of tiny insects bent on using him for food?

Tony: Ha....ha.....ha.

Peter: Well I thought it was funny.

Tony: You also thought that Prague was a dirty word.

Peter. ....

Mark: *tries to turn a laugh into a cough*

Carrie: What is a Prague anyway?

Peter: *sighs* It's a city, now can we move on with Tony getting disassembled and sold for scrap?

Tony: The only scrap around here is gonna be the fight they have on their hands if they try to touch me.

Harrison: Only if someone defends you, since you can't fight.

Tony: *grumbles*

George: Okay, you're led off the crawler with several other droids.

Tony: And Trashcan?

George: Yes, and Artoo.

Tony: I like Trashcan better.

Carrie: Why, because it reminds you of your room?

Tony: My room is not a trashcan.

Harrison: No he's right. It's not a trashcan. If it was, he'd empty it once a week.

Tony: You're all a laugh a minute... really.

George: They lead you down to be examined for possible selling.

Tony: OOOOOH, that means I might have a job coming. A job means I won't be torn down for scrap.

George: And--

Harrison: *interrupting* Unless the job is for furnace fodder.

Tony: I really wish you'd stop saying things like that.

George: So there's--

Harrison: *interrupting* Sorry.

George: It's okay. There--

Tony and Carrie: *interrupting* No you're not.

Harrison: Okay, but I would be if I had a heart.

George: *gritting his teeth* So you--

Mark: *interrupting* You don't have a heart?

Harrison: I've been a GM before, they tend to cease to be living persons and become inanimate objects to argue with and throw things at.

George: And be ignored.

Harrison: That too... oh, sorry.

George: I'll bet. Anyway Mark, we're getting to you.

Mark: Oh really? So Tony's at the farm?

Tony: Farm?

Peter: You're destined to pull a plow dude.

George: No, it's a water farm. This is a desert. They call it a moisture farm.

Mark: Yeah, so we need droids to stand in the middle of the field all night and collect moisture.

Everyone else: *blinks*

Harrison: ummm... Mark... did you just make a funny?

Mark: I think so.

Peter: Doomsday has arrived. Carrie, will you have mad sex with me?

Carrie: No.

Peter: False alarm.

George: Any day that Carrie would have sex with you would be a mad day, you nut. Anyway, Mark... ummm... what's your characters name?

Mark: Luke.... Luke Skywalker.

Carrie: Skywalker?

Peter: What, was Groundrunner taken?

Tony: How about Skywriter? I mean, while you're in the sky you might as well do something more useful than just walking. Ooooh, or even Skyfighter. See, THAT'S a good name. Skyfighter.

George: His name is Skywalker.

Peter: But shouldn't he have an actual decent name? I mean, like mine.

George: They don't KNOW your name yet Peter, now be quiet.

Tony: Skywalker... I still say he should come up with something like Cloudkicker.

Mark: It's been done.

Tony: It has? Sounds familiar...

Mark: Yeah, that old Tailspin cartoon. The kid...

Harrison: Oh yeah, I remember that.

George: ANYWAY!!! You hear your aunt calling you. "LUKE!"

Mark: What's her name again?

George: Errrrr.... ooooh...........

Mark: Eru?

George: No, ummm... yeah... BERU! Beru is her name.

Mark: Okay, I go find her then.

Tony: Shouldn't be too hard, you can see her from your spot in the sky. So is she Beru Skywalker?

George: No... her last name is Lars.

Harrison: Dude, that's YOUR aunt's last name.

Tony: Doesn't your aunt work on a farm too?

George: Yeah... now shaddup. Aunt Beru asks you to go remind your Uncle... uncle.... oh ummm.... oh... errrmm.... Oh... ennnn... Owen. Your uncle Owen that he needs to get some specific droid... one that... jeeze... what is C3PO good at again?

Harrison: Getting shot at?

Carrie: Forgetting he can't carry a gun?

Mark: Getting lost?

Peter: Hanging around midget trashcans and ignoring their advice about how to get places, despite the fact that said droid's entire job is to fix things and navigate?

Tony: Quiet, the lot of you. I'm good at translating.

George: Okay, that works. You need to remind Uncle Owen that he needs a droid that speaks some weird language.

Harrison: Bocce

All: *look at Harrison*

Harrison: Old character, always liked the word.

George: Sure, whatever. It doesn't matter. The point is you have to find a droid that speaks... that.

Harrison: Bocce.

George: That's enough Harrison.

Harrison: Sorry.

Mark: These guys are scavengers, so I'll comment on the lack of choices before going to see Uncle... Owen.

Tony: I beg your pardon? Remembe, six million forms of communication?

Peter: You're just not going to shut up about that, are you?

Tony: Not likely. In fact, I'm going to inform the nice gentleman inspecting me about all my features as a top of the line--

George: He says he has no need of a protocol droid.

Tony: That @$$. I'll protocol his droid.

Carrie: What'll you do, swear at him in Boise?

Harrison: Bocce.

Carrie: Whatever.

Tony: C'mon, work with me here George. I've got to have something I can do besides protocol, whatever that is.

Carrie: You know, the fact that you don't know what that is doesn't surprise me.

Tony: Why?

Carrie: Never mind.

George: Okay, yeah. You have a bunch of other functions as well. They're just not your main purpose.

Tony: Fine, I tell the yutz that.

Mark: Hey, that's my uncle.

Tony: Sorry.

Mark: That's okay.

Tony: So, is the yutz taking the bait?

Mark: ...

George: He says that he needs a droid that understands... ummm... binary... for... vaporators. Yeah, that's it.

Tony: Can I do that?

George: Ermmm.... roll a d20. Evens you can, odds you can't.

Tony: *rolls* An eight. Great, I tell him that I can do that. In fact, it was one of my first jobs. I did so well that--

George: Yeah, he tells you to shut up and informs the jawas that he'll take you.

Tony: Yutz.

Harrison: Bocce

George: Quiet. *rolls* Oooooh... unfortunately, he picks a different droid from R2-D2. He takes some red one.

Tony: Does the red one have any weapons?

George: Ummm... no.

Tony: Damn. Guess I've got to find a way to keep trashcan then.

George: Mark, Owen tells you to take the two droids to the garage to clean them. Problem is, he told you earlier that you could go to Toshi Station to pick up some... power converters... for... something or other.

Mark: Can I remind him of that?

Harrison: You can TRY whatever you want. Whether or not he listens is another story.

Carrie: I doubt it'll work in this case.

Mark: Well, I'll remind him anyway. The power converters might be important.

Harrison: Yeah, couldn't just be a loose plot thread to be left dangling for no reason.

All: *silent*

George: Anyway, he tells you that you can waste time with your friends later and that he needs those droids cleaned before dinner.

Mark: Okay, I guess I'll try to hurry up and get done so that I can get those converters. I'll hurry the droids along if I can.

Tony: Oh yes suh massah suh. Would the massa be wantin some back rub with hisa coffee suh?
Carrie: "Awww... Artoo's dependant on Tony to get him onto the farm?"

Harrison: "Well, he's scrap then."

Peter: "Yeah, he's better off walking out of there on his own."

Tony: "Oh shut up. Besides, he can't walk... he's on treads."

Carrie: "Okay, Mr. Roboto, are you going to save your partner?"

Tony: "I'll put my foot down and refuse to take another step without my little... what the hell does he do again?"

George: "He's an astromech. He fixes machines and can plot courses in space."

Tony: "Well what the hell do I need that for?"

George: "..."

Harrison: "You might escape and need a way to figure out where you are."

Tony: "Good point. I'm standing right there and demanding that he gets to come with."

Harrison: "You do realize that this could result in you being thrown back onto that Sandcrawler where you'll spend the rest of your life, which is a very long time I might add, stuck as nothing more than an overgrown paperweight with a very rusty rear."

Tony: "On the other hand, Trashcan looks perfectly happy right where he is. Moving along..."

Carrie: "George, do something."

George: "Yeah okay, hold on." *rolls something* "Fine, the red droid suddenly stops and starts sparking. It looks like it... umm... blew its motivator."

Mark: "I'll uhhh... call my uncle and tell him what happened."

Peter: "The dude's standing about ten feet away, I think he'd notice."

George: "You never know. Anyway, he bargains with the Jawas some over the busted droid"

Carrie: *nudges Tony*

Tony: *moves his leg*

Carrie: *nudges harder*

Tony: *blinks and looks at her*

Carrie: *kicks him*

Tony: "OW! What?"

Carrie: "Well?"

Tony: "Huh? Oh yeah.... Ummm... I'll point out R2 to Mark... err... Luke."

Mark: "And I'll point him out to Uncle Owen."

George: "Okay, he bargains with them some more and gets R2 as a result. Now you can take them to the garage and clean them up."

Peter: "What, they get a bath?"

George: "An oil bath."

Harrison: "Okay, yeah... not gonna point out the problems with that idea."

George: "Yeah, please don't. It's a game... new galaxy, new rules. It's special oil... so it works. "

Carrie: "Right, kinda like Harrison's 'phasers' on that one game... Star Tracks."

Harrison: "That's not right. It was Star--"

George: "Anyway, moving along... Mark, you take them into the garage and clean them up."

Tony: "Oh cool. Now I've got that stupid sand off of me."

Peter: "Just in time to go out and get covered in sand again."

Tony: "Yeah, what's up with that? I join in to play a space game and get stranded in the desert?"

Harrison: "It's because you called R2D2 Trashcan."

Tony: "Well he IS a--"

George: "That's not why, and he's not a trashcan. He's a highly advanced, very independent, phenomenal bit of robotics."

Tony: "Who doubles as a trashcan."

George: "..."

Carrie: "You're going to hell, Tony."

Tony: "No I'm not, I'm stuck in a desert with a midget droid, a bunch of midget freaks, and Luke Skystalker who lives with his aunt and uncle on a farm... farming... water. I'm ALREADY THERE!"


George: "You're going to think you're in hell in a minute if you don't move on."

Carrie: "Oh, just have them interact."

Harrison: "Yeah, you two. Talk to each other."

Tony: *looks at Mark* "Hi."

Mark: *looks at Tony* "Hi."

Peter: "Oh boy... Come on, Tony. Start talking his ear off about something."

Tony: "Okay fine... I'll talk about how great it feels to get that sand out of my ass."

Mark: "Errr... can I ask about where he's been... maybe... get him to talk about the rebellion?"

George: "You can try."

Tony: "Oh yeah! I've got a lot of stories about that. You see, there was this time that I--"

Carrie: "George, stop him... please?"

George: "Okay, Tony. You can't tell any war stories because you don't... uhhh... know how to tell very good stories. You make them boring... and uhh... you know it..."

Tony: "... fine... I'll uhhh... tell him that."

George: "Anyway, while Mark is working on cleaning R2D2, you find something stuck inside him. It won't pry loose."

Mark: "I'll try harder, but without hurting him."

Peter: "Ehhh, he's just a robot. What could he possibly feel?"

Harrison: "He also doesn't want to damage whatever's in there."

Tony: "Oh just break it out. How important could it be?"

Carrie: "Stupidity is a class skill for you, isn't it?"

Tony: "Ouch..."

Carrie: "Sorry, but think about it. Remember when I was with Artoo? I did something..."

Tony: "Oh yeah. Be careful with that, Skyscreamer."

Mark: "Skywalker, and I will." *looks to George* "I'll keep trying to carefully pry it out."

George: "Okay, after a minute something seems to pop and a hologram appears. It's only about the size of your hand, but it shows Carrie reaching over like she's going to turn something off, even as she begs someone named Obi Wan Kenobi for help. The message seems to be looped on one tiny part of it."

Mark: "Is there anyway to get the whole message?"

Harrison: "Yeah, go find Kenobi."

Mark: "Besides that."

George: "Okay... Artoo says that he can play the whole thing if you take his restraining device off. That's the thing that lets you control him. He says its interfering."

Peter: "*coughs*bull*****coughs*

George: "Be quiet, Peter. Mark, what's your wisdom?"

Mark: "Uhhh... here it is." *shows George is paper*

George: "Okay, I'm going to roll for Artoo's con skill..."

Harrison: "You didn't have to tell us that."

Peter: "Oh please, we all knew that the little droid was fibbing."

George: *rolls* "Mark, you believe him. Play with it as you will."

Mark: "Uhhhhh... okay.. I guess I take that restraint thing off then."

George: "The instant you do, the repeating hologram disappears."

Harrison: "Way to go."

Mark: "What the...? I tell Artoo to bring it back."

George: "He beeps at you, saying... 'Bring back what?'"

Carrie: *laughs* Oh boy...

Tony: "Did Trashcan get amnesia? Way to go, Skyliner."

Mark: "Skywalker. I'll try to refresh his memory."

George: "He insists that he doesn't have a clue what you're talking about."

Tony: "Hey runt, play that message you were just playing five seconds ago."

George: "He continues to deny any knowledge of it, and your aunt calls you for dinner."

Mark: "Uhhh... I'll tell the little droid that this isn't over, and go to dinner."
Tony: "While Skystoner's gone, I'll try to convince the little twerp robot to play the message back."

Mark: "Skywalker."

George: "What exactly do you do?"

Tony: "Ahhh... well... I tell him that if he doesn't play it back, no one will like him. Maybe that'll get him to open up."

Harrison: "Weak, dude."

Tony: "Oh shut up, at least I tried."

George: "Yeah... don't even bother rolling for that. R2 considers his mission too important to worry about being liked. He'll be sad if you don't like him, but the galaxy is more important."

Tony: "Over inflated sense of his own self worth much?"

Carrie: "Well he *is* your partner."

Tony: "What's that supposed to mean?"

Peter: "She means he gets it from you."

Tony: "... I know what she meant."

Peter: "Then why'd you ask?"

Tony: "Because I... oh never mind." *looks to George* "So, what's Skystroller eating? Anything good?"

Mark: "Skywalker."

George: "Ummmm, just normal food I guess."

Peter: "Oh, is there any pizza left?"

George: *confused* "No... it's more of a science fiction type food that..."

Carrie: *sighs* "He means the pizza here, and for the last time, Peter, you ate the last of it."

Peter: "You really need to order more next time, dude."

George: "I'd consider it, but I wouldn't count on much. You could always get more if you were willing to help pay for it though."

Peter: "Oh come on, I paid for the entire pizza that one time."

George: ".... Peter, that was in the eighth grade."

Peter: "It was an expensive pizza."

George: "Yeah... sure. Anyway, Mark... you drink uhhh... blue milk."

Mark: "Yuck."

George: "No, it's supposed to look like that."

Mark: "Oh, right. Well... I'll tell Uncle Owen that the droid out there might have been stolen."

George: *blinks* "Why?"

Mark: "Because if he's got a message for someone named Obi-Wan, I guess he must belong to that person."

Harrison: "He's got a point."

George: "Yeah, I guess that makes sense." *thinks* "Okay, let's backtrack and say that R2 claimed he belonged to this Obi-Wan guy."

Tony: "Do I have any idea what he's talking about?"

George: "No, you've never heard of this Obi-Wan."

Harrison: "I thought you said--"

George: "Quiet." *points something out to Harrison on his notes*

Harrison: "Oh, right. Mindwipes are so convenient."

George: "Yeah, now stop giving stuff away."

Tony: "What's all this about? How come he knows stuff we don't?"

George: "One, because he helped design the game, and two, because he's not as likely to use that information in character, unlike certain people."

Tony: "Oooh, burn."

Harrison: "He was talking about you."

Tony: "Oh."

George: "Yeah, and in any case, we're past that point. Now Mark, you realize that you have heard the name Kenobi before. Just not Obi-Wan. The Kenobi you've heard of is named.... ahhh... Ben."

Carrie: "George, isn't that the name of your cat?"

Mark: "A cat named Ben?"

Harrison: "Yeah, his dogs name is Jerry."

Mark: "Okay then, I'll ask Uncle Owen about Ben."

George: "He dismisses it for the most part, and tells you he wants the droids memories wiped as soon as possible."

Tony: "That dick! Have him come out here and say that to my face. I'll show him exactly what he can 'wipe'."

Carrie: "Gotta lot of grease up in that transister, Tony?"

Mark: "Isn't that a radio?"

George: "For those of us who don't care what it is, let's move on."

Peter: "Yeah, we don't really have that much time left. I've gotta get home in an hour or so."

Harrison: "Oh come on, Peter. You can't run out now."

Peter: "Not now, in about an hour. Sorry, but I do have to work tomorrow."

Harrison: *grumbles*

George: "Peter's right. Let's try to get everyone introduced, then call it good."

Tony: "I'll call it wussing out is what I'll call it."

Harrison: "I'm with Tony, gaming is more important than sleep."

Peter: "Yeah well people with a job actually have to worry about being conscious."

Harrison: "I have a job too."

Peter: "Dude, buying and selling **** on e-bay is not a job."

Harrison: "It takes time out of the day that I could spend doing other things, and I make money doing it. What more do you want?"

Carrie: "A work ethic?"