Playing War: The Traitor

[Terenia]

omg *dies of cuteness*

Okay, fine. I'll work on it tonight. *grumble*

[KitsuneMarie]

*Happy squeal!* Yay!

[Myitt]

I hate to just say "I love it", but I think everyone's said pretty much what I would've said for criticisms x3  I guess my only other thing is just the grammatical stuff, like:


“I’m taking you because you haven’t been infested yet. They won’t be looking for you. You snuck onto one of their Bug Fighters and they took you here to be infested since they were already in orbit,” Christopher fixed me with a wry smile, “would you rather stay here?”

...that should be, technically:


“I’m taking you because you haven’t been infested yet. They won’t be looking for you. You snuck onto one of their Bug Fighters and they took you here to be infested since they were already in orbit.” Christopher fixed me with a wry smile.  "Would you rather stay here?”

The way I remember it is that if the action Christopher is doing is an action other than "Christopher said" or anything relating to speaking, it needs to be its own sentence, and so does the following bit of dialogue, as long as both halves make their own complete, unfragmented sentences.  You could have it say "...already in orbit," Christopher said, fixing me with a wry smile.  "Would..." as well.

Other than that, it's awesome as usual   I think I've been delaying in reading it because I already read a bit of what you have on ff.net, a long time ago, and I also just like having my characters not know as much about Terenia's past as they have to.  They don't know just how much hell she went through, unless she's told them, and that makes them a bit more distant.  Ahh, the drama.  x3

[Terenia]

A/N: Oh, Tara. I never realized how complicated dialogue could be until you started nitpicking mine. Don't know why I never picked up on that particular bit of grammar, but now you have me second guessing myself at every turn. Which is good, I guess. I'll work on it, I promise!

Annnd now, Chapter Four!!

Chapter Four

When Andrin and I returned to the Dome Ship Star Searcher I was a bundle of nerves, certain that I would be caught within moments. However, my fears were quickly proven wrong. Arisths, it turned out, were rarely spoken to. No one questioned me, or even looked in my direction. In fact, most of the Andalites seemed happiest when I was as out of the way as possible.

My first major trial as an Andalite came almost the moment Andrin and I docked. I needed to find Sireah’s quarters. After what must have been several hours of wandering around aimlessly I finally garnered enough courage to ask someone. The warrior looked at me as though I were an imbecile, but pointed me in the right direction. I thought I might be discovered right then and there, and the game would be over, but the warrior just shook his stalk eyes at me and continued on his way.

I existed in this way for two days without incident, spending most of my time in the obscenely small living space allotted to Sireah. Despite my initial hopes of space exploration and adventure, the two days passed with little excitement. I passed the time rehearsing Andalite rituals and avoiding anyone who looked terribly important, reassuring myself that the real excitement would happen once I revealed my true identity.

I decided that I would demorph and reveal my true self on the third day, when we were scheduled to emerge from what the Andalites called “Zero-Space”. I still was not sure what Zero-Space was, exactly, but from Sireah’s explanations I gathered that it let the ship travel faster and turned the sky into something resembling marshmallow puff. I figured that once we left the blank whiteness we would be far enough away from Earth that the Andalites would be forced to keep me on board. Then the true adventure would begin.

<Aristh Sireah-Yvirnial-Apaltian report to the Dome.>

The computerized thought-speech invaded my head, making me jump. I still was not comfortable with telepathic messages invading my mind, and I certainly did not expect to hear myself being called anywhere after two days of being ignored. Who would want to speak with me? Or rather, with Sireah? A feeling of unease settling over me I left my cramped room and headed for the large half-sphere area of the ship called the Dome.

I had only been to the Dome a couple of times since arriving on the ship, even though it was by far the most interesting. The Dome was a circular area made to look like the planet that the Andalites came from. It was filled with grass and trees, even a small stream. I liked how much this little slice of the Andalite Homeworld resembled Earth. It was all too easy to imagine being back in the forests behind my home, which kept me from missing it too much. Of course, then I would look up and see, instead of blue sky, the black void of space, flecked with stars. Or, in this case, the blank marshmallow puff of Zero-Space.
When I reached the Dome, after only two wrong turns (a new record), I looked around expectantly. There were few inhabitants here, as most of the Andalites were on duty. One or two of the aliens were trotting around lazily, feeding. On the far side of the Dome, by a small pond, an older Andalite stood with one who looked to be about Sireah’s age. They were simply standing there, not eating or drinking, and appeared to be waiting for something. Or someone. Assuming that this was who had ordered me to the Dome, I trotted over to them.

<Hey,> I said in thought-speech, stopping just behind the young Andalite. <What’s up?> the older Andalite tensed upon my arrival. His fur was dark blue, and underneath one could see his skin, criss-crossed with battle scars.

<Aristh Sireah, why do you address me in such a manner?> The Andalite’s voice was as tense as his muscles. He spoke as if I were someone whom he merely tolerated at the best of times and had just offended him greatly.

<What do you mean?> I asked, vaguely confused. Was I expected to address him as ‘Sir’ or by some other title? I wracked my brain for some instruction from Sireah, but could not recall anything about this older, scarred Andalite.

<Your discourteous manner lately is astounding. Warriors have been gibbering on about it for the past two days. Now get in line.> The Andalite gave the order in the clipped sort of tone that indicated there would be no argument. Still not sure what was going on I took a place beside the young Andalite, who looked at me reproachfully.

<Now that everyone is here,> the older Andalite shot me a look of carefully contained annoyance, <we can begin our drills.>

<Drills? What?> I blurted out, instantly regretting it. The older Andalite looked so painfully aggravated that he didn’t seem to know whether to lash out at me or ignore me.

<Your training drills.> He clarified in an aggrieved tone.

<My what? Sireah didn’t mention any training drills!> I cried. Both Andalites shot me looks of confusion. The younger Andalite sidled away from me ever so slightly.

<Aristh Sireah, are you ill?> the older Andalite asked slowly. I could sense his frustration building.

<No, just...oh never mind. I can’t do the drills Mister uh...what’s your name?> More strange looks. Oh, this was just great, I thought frantically. Grand visions of revealing my true appearance were quickly being replaced with the Andalite version of a mental institution.

<After two months in space you do not know my name?> The Andalite looked doubtful, <I am War-Prince Tetorin, your trainer. Are you certain that you are not ill, Sireah?>

<No, I’m just...I can’t do my drills, War-Prince Tetorin. I’m sorry.> I began to back away, hoping that they would just let me leave without an explanation. No such luck.

<Why, Aristh Sireah, if you are not ill, can you not complete your drills?> War-Prince Tetorin asked. I could tell from his tone that his patience was wearing thin.

<Um...> I hesitated, not yet wanting to expose myself, but sensing that I had little choice in the matter. This was hardly the grandiose reveal that I had anticipated, but it seemed that it would have to do. Besides, we were so far away from Earth now that I doubted they would be able to send me home.

<Because...because I’m not Sireah.> I said finally. I was met with four pairs of doubtful eyes in response.

<Well, then,> War-Prince Tetorin said slowly, <please tell who in the name of Corin you are?>

<My name is Teresa. And I’m….Sireah’s friend. Sort of. I’m a human. I morphed Sireah and she morphed me and got dropped off on Earth in my place...> More staring. The young Andalite inched even further away. <I mean it.> I added lamely.

<Sireah. I think you should to report to the sick bay. You are obviously not feeling well, even if you refuse to admit so.> Tetorin said at last.

<No. I’m human…everything I said is true. Here I’ll show you.> I promptly closed all four eyes and concentrated, drawing up a picture of my true self. In my mind I saw my mid-length sandy hair, my pale gray eyes the freckles that covered my face. I silently willed myself to return to that familiar ten year old body. After a few moments I opened my eyes, expecting to see and feel the slow change back to human.

Nothing had happened.

<Wait a second…I’m doing something wrong. Sireah said I could change back...> inwardly I frowned, calling up the memory of my initial morph to Andalite. Closing my eyes once more I tried again. And again. And again.

<Something….something has to be wrong.> I said, feeling the edge of panic after the fifth try. <Why isn’t it working? I’m human….I swear I am.>

<Sireah,> Tetorin said in a grave tone, <I believe that I know what this is about. You have gone human-happy. Your fascination with their species has always been perturbing, but I never expected it to go to the extent that you believed yourself to be one of them. Very disturbing indeed…> Tetorin trailed off, speaking more to himself than to me, which was fine because I was no longer listening. I had just had a terrifying thought. What if I could never turn back into my human self? What if Sireah had lied to me, or had been mistaken? What if the technology was broken? What if I was stuck? Forever. Fear welled up inside of me and without realizing it I found myself repeating the same desperate plea over and over again.

<I’m human. I’m human. I’m human!>

<Of course you are, Sireah. Now come with me.> Tetorin put a hand on my shoulder and began to lead me out of the Dome firmly. Stunned, I allowed myself to be led along.

<No, I’m not Sireah.> I protested as we walked. If I could just get him to believe me maybe he could tell me how to change back. <I’m Teresa. Human, not Andalite. Human. I’m human. Please…I have a twin sister named Tamora and an older sister named Lizzy and an older brother named Danny and we’re all human. I live on Earth with my family.>

Tetorin said nothing. He continued to push me along the corridors of the Dome Ship until we finally reached an unfamiliar room. Keeping a close stalk eye on me, Tetorin turned the majority of his attention to the two Andalites that seemed to be in charge. He might have been speaking with them, but I did not hear anything. My mind was racing a mile an hour, trying desperately to make sense of what was happening.

Suddenly Tetorin was gone. I was left with the two new Andalites. I wondered if they were scientists. Or doctors. Maybe they could help me, if only they would believe me. Maybe Tetorin had taken them to me because they knew how to fix the morphing technology.

<I’m human. Please believe me!> I cried desperately. The two strange Andalites did not seem alarmed by my comments.

<Yes of course. You’re human, of course.> One of them said amiably while the other led me to a side room.

<Are you going to help me?> I asked hopefully.

<Yes. We are going to help you, Sireah.>

<I’m not Sireah!> I cried, skittering backwards on my hooves. The two Andalites shared a significant look.

<Of course.> The Andalite smiled with his eyes, <What should I refer to you as?>

<Teresa. I’m Teresa.>

<Well, Teresa. War-Prince Tetorin brought you here so that we could help you.>

<Can…can you make me human again?> I asked. Another significant glance. This time it was the other Andalite who spoke.

<Teresa, we are going to do everything we can to help you, but we need you to cooperate. Will you do as we say?> I nodded, falling silent as relief washed through me. They believed me. I was saved.

The two Andalites led me into the side room then. As soon as I stepped over the threshold a door snapped closed, sealing me off from my two helpers.

<Hey!> I cried in alarm, <What are you doing? I thought you were going to help me!>

<Do not be afraid, Teresa.> One of their voices floated through my consciousness, <We will return momentarily.>

Backing away from the doorway I looked around at my surroundings. The room was larger than my aristh quarters, without being particularly huge. There was a waste module and little else. The floor was covered in coarse grass. One wall was transparent, while three were made of bland metal. There was only one door, and it was firmly shut.

<Teresa, can you hear me?> One of the Andalite’s voices called a minute or two later.

<Yes.>

<Alright, Teresa, I am going to come in now. Back away from the door, please.> I did as I was asked, and the doorway opened once more. There was only one Andalite now, and he stepped into the room cautiously. In his hand was a syringe.

<What is that for?> I cried, panic welling up within me once more, <What are you doing? Get that thing away from me!>

<This is going to help you.> The Andalite said firmly. I backed away, staring at the syringe in horror. I hated needles.

<Teresa,> The Andalite began again. <You want to be human again, don’t you?>

<Yes.>

<Then you need to listen to me. Come here, please.> Slowly, I approached. The Andalite took my left arm in gentle hands, using his thumb to push back the fur there and expose the skin underneath.

<Wait!> I said suddenly, but the Andalite ignored me, plunging the needle deep into the skin of my left arm. I yelped in pain, jerking backwards. The Andalite let me pull away, the now empty syringe in his hand.

<What did you do?> I demanded. <Will that make me human again?>

<We injected you with a chemical that will render you unconscious for the duration of our trip.> The Andalite said primly.

<What?> I gasped.

<Aristh Sireah,> the Andalite said gravely, <clearly you have come down with a case of draylin. Space sickness. It is not common, but it happens. Rather than allow you to suffer your delusions we will keep you contained here.>

<But…I’m not…I am human…> protested. <You can’t do this!>
I tried to move forward, to physically prevent the Andalite from leaving me, but already I could feel the drug beginning to take effect. I fought to stay conscious, but suddenly found myself stumbling over my own hooves in my attempts. I collapsed to the ground in a tangle of legs and tail, unable to right myself. My vision swam, and somewhere far away I dimly heard a door being shut. I was alone, with the darkness of unconsciousness slowly creeping in. I fixated my mind on one image, one final, desperate attempt before slipping under.

<Human. I’m human…>

[Myitt]

I'm sorry if it feels like I'm nitpicking about it a lot...but if I can help, I'd like to--otherwise your writing is excellent, in my humble opinion.  The content is great, and any editor can help with the way it's organized grammatically. 

It's late but I'll read this chapter tomorrow!

[KitsuneMarie]

I should stop reading sad things before I go to work, haha! This is great, Jessi. I like the way her identity is pseudo-revealed: it makes Terenia even more vulnerable and pitiable.

[Terenia]

OMG A NEW CHAPTER! IT LIVES!!
A/N: Seriously, though. You people need to pester me more often so that this stuff actually gets done! Shame on you. It's all your fault.   And by that I mean I'm terribly sorry to have left you waiting for over six months. Poo on me. The good news is that I went ahead and plotted out the next six or seven chapters, so I know how all of my revisions are going to go. Which theoretically means more chapters for you! Theoretically....

Tara - feel free to fix every little dialogue mistake. Since I am apparently blind to them.

Enjoy!!

Chapter Five

While floating in the dark folds of unconsciousness, I dreamed a memory. I saw myself, just days ago, standing amidst a beer can sea. My face was scrunched in anger as I glared up at my father.

“I’m going away. I hate you. I hate you and I don’t want to live here anymore!” In the dream my voice sounded so small, so insignificant compared to the cruel laughter that followed.

“Going? Where the hell will you go? There’s nowhere for a ten-year-old! Go on, get out of here! See how long it takes until you come crawling back like the little slime you are! You’ll see how worthless you are out there! Worthless! Never amount to anything!”

“I will so and I’m going to!” As my remembered self turned and ran from the house, the scene shifted to a more distant memory. I was transported suddenly from my house, from my yard. I stood instead in a vast field, blinking away bright sunlight. In my stomach there was a gnawing sensation, as though there was something that I needed to find.

“Teresa, where were you?” A relieved voice made me turn. Jogging towards me from the unknown was a boy. I smiled, recognizing him.

“Teresa,” he scolded, stooping down to my level as he got near. “You know you aren’t supposed to wander off. You’re only six years old. You can’t be on your own.”

“Daddy’s coming.” The words were mine, but they sounded distant and alien, as though they were coming from my mind rather than my mouth.

“Where is he?” the boy asked, brushing back dirt colored hair to reveal a pale scar beneath his right eye. He glanced over his shoulder, searching for someone, but the field was empty. There was only the sun, beating hotter and hotter, surrounding us both in a white light.

“Danny, he’s coming.” I said urgently. “He’ll be here soon. Hurry, we have to go. We have to run away.”

“What are you talking about?” the boy cried, and his face turned ugly, twisted with rage. It kept twisting, melting and morphing until it was not his own anymore. Within moments the drunk stood where the boy had, a beer bottle in hand as he swayed erratically.

“Never going to amount to anything, you little ****! Why don’t you go crawl back into your hole! You’re worthless! Look at you, you aren’t even human!” His voice echoed like a tangible thing, the words melding with my skin and surrounding me, crawling through my hair like a wild beast. It began scratching its way into my mouth, down my throat until it closed entirely, and suddenly I was screaming in my mind, pleading desperately with the warped figure.

“I am human!”

Four eyes snapped open at the same time. For a moment I was overwhelmed by the dizzying sensation of being able to see in all directions at once. A field of stars, purple fur that was slick with sweat and cold, grey metal all coiled in on one another; images that could all be seen, but could not be made sense of. My stomach twisted and churned with the already fading remnants of the nightmare as I tried to create a coherent picture.

Stalk eyes, a little voice in the back of my head supplied, giving meaning to the kaleidoscope vision. My human senses adjusted to my Andalite body and with the abruptness of a lens snapping into place I could make sense of my world. I was kneeling on the ground, four legs bent awkwardly beneath my lower body. My torso was leaning against one wall, which was taking up the field of vision in one stalk. A second stalk eye was focused behind me, specifically on my back and flanks, which were slick with sweat. Directly in front of me a transparent wall revealed a black sky dotted with stars.

Okay, focus. Slowly, I rose to my hooves, shaking off the last vestiges of dizziness as I tried to piece together what had happened. I clearly remembered Sireah and I remembered trading places with her through the magic offered by the blue box. I remembered the next few days, struggling to remain unnoticed while surrounded by aliens. After that, things began to get fuzzy. I thought that I remembered an older Andalite, and perhaps some screaming. Was it my screaming? Then…nothing. Just twisted fragments of an ungraspable nightmare.

My attention was grabbed by the bright pinpoints of light shining through the transparent wall. Upon closer glance the sky was not entirely black; at least, it was a different sort of black than what I had become accustomed to the last few days. Moving closer the cause of the difference became apparent quickly. The deep black of space faded into an orangey sort of color – Halloween colors – near the horizon. Yes, horizon. My breath caught and hearts leapt as I realized the implications. Sometime during my spell of unconsciousness we had landed.

For a moment I was certain that we had returned to Earth, and an irrational fear of being discovered by my father seized me, followed closely by a strong urge to find Tamora and tell her everything that had happened. Upon closer look, however, it was easy to see that this was no Earth. Earth did not have fields of grass that was more blue than green. Earth did not have six-winged birds that circled an orange-tinted sky that was stained by two setting suns. An alien planet, I realized, a giddy rush of excitement rushing through me. Danny will be so jealous. I turned excitedly from the window and moved to the opposite wall where, logically, a door would be placed.

How do I get out of here? I wondered, running a hand along the wall’s smooth surface. There were no latches or hinges in sight, and a hint of unformed memory was pulling at me, hinting that getting out may be less than simple.

<Hello?> I called tentatively. No answer. <Hello? Is anyone there? Hey! Someone let me out!> I tried banging on the wall, but quickly regretted the decision. My Andalite arms were much weaker than my human ones had been, and the muscles there cried out in protest to my pounding.

<Hey!> I cried louder. I turned, crossing the narrow room a second time to approach the window, hoping that the horizon offered solutions. From the looks of it I was quite high up. Glancing down I saw nothing – my vision was obscured by bulky engines. I let out one of my father’s favorite words before returning yet again to the door-wall.

<Can anyone hear me?> the silence in my head was deafening. There was no noise whatsoever; save my own quickly shortening breath as I began to realize that I was trapped. Trapped in a small room on a silent ship, closed off from the rest of the world. A wave of fear washed over me as I pounded on the door with renewed vigor, ignoring the protesting muscles.

<Let me out! Someone please let me out!> My words became an endless, unanswered refrain until finally I exhaustion and despair overtook me. I slumped back to my knees, resting my pounding head against the cool metal of the wall. What if I’m stuck here forever? I wondered. The thought bounced around my mind for awhile; my dreams of a spectacular space adventure seemed to have gone terribly awry.

Human, I remembered suddenly. That was why I was stuck in this room. The Andalites had not believed me when I told them who I really was. And I…I closed my eyes tightly, struggling to remember those last few hazy minutes of consciousness. I could not demorph. The answer bubbled up with frightening clarity. The disbelieving aliens had trapped me in this room, injected me with something, and left me. And now here I was…forgotten on an alien planet. Eager to confirm the nightmare, I focused on my human form. Nothing. I closed all four eyes and willed myself to become human once more. Again, no change. Panic began to well up inside me as I tried and failed again and again to regain my humanity.

<Aristh Sireah,> The “voice” penetrated my mind, making me jump to my hooves. Someone was here!

<Aristh Sireah,> the voice came again. <this is Medical Officer Yarlin-Restirial-Etris. I know that you are awake. We have someone here to see you.>

Someone to see me? My mind flew through the possibilities. Had they located my family? Was my dad here, ready to take me home and beat some sense into his disobedient child? Or had they found Danny, my older brother who always knew how to find the solution. Or Tammy, who was still awaiting my return?

The door-wall became transparent then, and I found myself staring at two Andalites. One, I assumed, was the Andalite who had introduced himself as Yarlin. The other was a stranger. There were no humans in sight, and disappointment hit me like a punch to the gut.
Wherever I was, no one I knew was coming to my rescue.

<Sireah,> Yarlin said, putting a face to the name. The two Andalites looked extremely similar – then again, all Andalites did – but Yarlin’s fur was a much brighter shade of blue than the other alien, who had large swaths of tan covering his flanks. <Your father is here to claim you.>

<My…father?> I looked at the tan-furred Andalite in confusion. He was, very clearly not my own father, but Sireah’s. His mouthless face held a wary expression mixed with something else that I could not quite place. Disappointment, perhaps?

<Sireah,> the unknown Andalite said, taking a step forward. <I am here to bring you home.>

<Home?> I repeated.

<Your mother is quite worried about you,> he continued. <It is time for you to abandon your foolish dreams of a military career.>
I had a vague notion of what the Andalite was talking about. I knew from my conversations with Sireah that her family had not approved when she joined the military. It was likely that they were relieved to pull “her” out now. But if you go with them, a voice in my mind cautioned, you will never be able to go home. I found that this thought troubled me, despite my eagerness at leaving Earth initially. My hatred towards my own father was not enough to keep me from my siblings, whom I missed desperately. Or my own body, which I wanted more with each passing moment. Beyond that, I would be lying to Sireah's father, which seemed much more morally subject than lying to the military. I could see no way out, aside from making them believe the truth.

<I’m sorry,> I said, honestly meaning it. <I don’t know who you are. I’m not Sireah. My name is Teresa Rerin, and I’m human. I was born on Earth. Sireah and I switched places and she ->

<Enough,> my “father” cut me off, his main eyes wide. He shot an alarmed look at Yarlin, seeking an explanation.

<It appears as though Aristh Sireah has reacted negatively to the conditions of space,> Yarlin said. <I had hoped that some time away from her duties would serve as a cure, but that seems not to be the case.>

<What are we to do then?> The older Andalite asked. All four of his eyes were pointed elsewhere, refusing to look at his crazy “daughter”.

<That,> Yarlin said delicately, <is your decision. Until Sireah can prove herself in her right mind she will be released from the military.It is, as you know, standard for vecols ->

<Vecols!> My “father” cried. <My daughter is no vecol!>

<Sir, she is not right in the mind,> Yarlin said briskly. <Perhaps she has no physical deformity, but her delusions do in fact handicap her. She is, indeed, a vecol. Unfortunately this is not entirely uncommon with soldiers. Most vecols do, of course, choose to live out their lives in solitude, away from the public eye. For someone as young as Sireah, though, that is not an option.>

The man who was supposed to be my father looked, for a moment, as if he were about to attack the doctor. I watched in wonder as he raised his tail blade threateningly, and sadness welled up in my hearts when he slumped in defeat. Clearly this man cared for his daughter, who was millions and millions of miles away in a stolen body.

<I…I cannot take her home like this,> the Andalite murmured.

<I understand, sir,> the doctor said. <There is, of course an alternative.>

<An alternative?>

<Yes. Sometimes vecols that suffer in the way Sireah is suffering can still be useful. There are several War-Princes that have requested extra help on their grazing lands, especially while they are away.>

<You – you want my daughter to become a servant to a War-Prince?> The Andalite looked stunned, and rightly so. His entire world had been turned upside down, and it was all my fault. I felt so awful that I could not even bring myself to protest. Continuing to declare my humanity seemed far too much like rubbing salt in his wounds.

<She would be well taken care of,> Yarlin promised. <She would be able to have a semblance of honor, and if she were to show signs of recovery we would be made aware immediately. The other option is, of course, for you to return home with her.>

<No,> Sireah’s father said quickly, as though the thought were poisonous. <She will commit to this…service. Put her under the care of a War-Prince and...allow me regular updates as to her progress.>

<Of course, sir.> Yarlin said, nodding impartially. Sireah’s father nodded. His main eyes met mine for a brief second. I had the impression of a deep sadness rising from the Andalite, but before I could apologize he had turned around and walked away. He did not give his supposed daughter a second glance. I watched him depart, sending a silent apology to the father whose name I did not even know.

[Myitt]

Jeez, what a dick.   

Another nice chapter!

Only grammar nitpick: who = whom in "to keep me from my siblings, who I missed desperately".

The dialogue construction stuff, I'll just do a few.  If I'm wrong, anybody, feel free to correct me--this is just what I've seen in books, I don't even remember what I learned about dialogue writing in school -__- :

“Teresa.” He scolded, stooping down to my level as he got near, “You...
“Teresa,” he scolded, stooping down to my level as he got near. “You...

Making it '"Teresa," he scolded, stooping...near.' creates a whole sentence.  The comma before the "You..." isn't needed, because the "You..." starts a whole new sentence with a capital letter.

“Daddy’s coming,” the words were mine, but
“Daddy’s coming."  The words were mine, but

"Daddy's coming." is its own sentence, and since you aren't having it say '"Daddy's coming," he/she/it said.', the "The words were mine" part needs to be a new sentence.


“Where is he?” The boy asked,
“Where is he?” the boy asked,

Same thing here.  "Where is he?" is one sentence, but since the boy is asking, it's an action verb and technically (while it doesn't look right to have a lowercase after a question mark) the "The" needs to be lowercase.


“Danny, he’s coming,” I said urgently, “He’ll
“Danny, he’s coming,” I said urgently. “He’ll

Separate sentences here, because of the verb statement 'I said urgently':
"Danny, he's coming," I said urgently. 
and
"He'll...."

“What are you talking about?” The boy cried,
“What are you talking about?” the boy cried,

Same with the question mark and the character doing an action.

<Aristh Sireah,> The “voice” penetrated my mind.
<Aristh Sireah.> The “voice” penetrated my mind. 

This isn't an action, it's not '<Aristh Sireah,> he said.'  It gives it more gravity to use the phrase 'The "voice" penetrated my mind'--which is why you're such a great writer   Only thing is, it's its own separate sentence with a capital letter, and it's not the speaker doing the action--it's descriptive of the voice, so "Aristh Sireah" needs a period.

<Sireah,> the unknown Andalite said, taking a step forward, <I am here to bring you home.>
<Sireah,> the unknown Andalite said, taking a step forward. <I am here to bring you home.>

This one always hangs me up, too.  I think "Sireah" can be considered its own sentence, so maybe either one is good in this case?  Do you have a book you can look it up in?  Bleh!  English rules are lame.


<Your mother is quite worried about you,> he continued, <It is time for you
<Your mother is quite worried about you,> he continued. <It is time for you

Separate sentences plus the speaker doing a speaking action = Period after 'he continued'

Hope it helps    dialogue is really annoying, agh.  I hope I've been understanding this stuff right, too!

[Terenia]

I thought you said you were only going to do a few! Yeesh! haha, it's all good. Thanks. I think that part of the problem is that I have a tendency to write in sentence fragments for emphasis. It's totally stylistic and it's totally Applegate's fault. Yeah, I'll blame it on her...uh-huh.  

I think another problem is that it isn't ever really taught in school. At least it wasn't to me, and it sure isn't a part of the curriculum I, or any of the other English teachers at my school, teach. Huh. Interesting. I'll have to look into why that is...

Dialogue is teh suck.

Thanks though! I'll make the necessary changes.

EDIT: All fixed, I think!

[KitsuneMarie]

I love the chapter, Jessi. I particularly liked the dream sequence and Terenia's sluggishness to return to reality. It felt very realistic, and the... I guess you can call that dramatic irony?... was particularly poignant.

[Terenia]

Thanks chica. I'll get working on the next chapter. This time it'll take me less than six months to post, I promise! 

[Myitt]

I expect a chapter, soon, or else you may have to act the chapter out in Colorado!   With props, and sound effects!

[KitsuneMarie]

And a video camera, so I can see it later!

[Myitt]

YES.

Actually Dave has offered to tape some of the goings on, anyway! XD  What is this, Amateur Actors' Studio on candid camera?!

[Terenia]

Oh, dear. That sounds terrifying.

I need to at least get to the good part, so that my acting out won't all be internal dialogue. That may be a tad boring for the video camera. *puts on best emo look*

WHY does the world HATE me!? *cuts wrist with tail blade*