Diary of a Mad Guitar Player

[guitarhero01234]

So, with the RAF Awards being voted on, I was struck with inspiration to do a RAF Awards/Christmas themed fanfic to Cloaky's Memoirs (or as he'd prefer to call it, a companion book or sister series). A lot of it's going to be absurd, strange comedy, so if you're not into that, then this fic may not be for you. Also, there's going to be some strong language.

Chapter 1: RAF?

Night enveloped the forum as the sun dipped below the horizon. As the last hints of daylight faded into darkness, the RAFians filed into the auditorium. The end of the year was closing in, and the nominations for the RAF Awards were going to be announced.

Eventually, the crowd settled down, just as Ash stepped up to the podium. She gave the microphone a couple taps and cleared her throat. “First of all, thank you all for attending,” she started, with a small grin across her face. “As I'm sure you know, the nominations for the RAF Awards have been sent in, and the other staff members and I have been very busy working on compiling them.”

“Why does she sound so much like principal Chapman?” Dpsb muttered, rousing a snicker from a few RAFians.

“Anyway,” Ash continued, pretending not to notice the minor disturbance, “that's why we've called for this conference. The nominations are all sorted through, and we're ready to announce them. But first . . .” She paused and looked aside for a moment before continuing. “gh wanted to do a short introduction.” She looked to her left again and became visibly frustrated. “gh! That's your cue!”

“Sorry!” gh said, sleepily walking up to a microphone stand from off-stage. He wasn't holding his normal instrument (or, as he called it, his “battle axe,”), but instead carried a V-shaped guitar. What caught everyone's attention, though, was that his hair was an absolute mess, and there were four red lines across his face, each of them about the size of his fingers.

“You fell asleep!?” Ash remarked, glaring at gh.

“Uh, maybe. Just a little,” he said, scratching his chin. “Don't worry, I got this.” As Ash left the stage in a huff, gh turned his attention to the assembly of RAFians, who were now growing restless. “I, uh, made a song for you guys.” He turned his head away from the mic, coughed a couple times, then continued. “Sorry, didn't have my coffee yet. Anyway, hope you enjoy it.”

Suddenly, jets of flame erupted behind gh as he ripped into a triplet-heavy riff on his guitar. As the lights dissipated, a massive wall of amplifiers appeared behind the guitarist. Nobody was quite sure how he had hidden the amplifiers, or where he had even acquired the money to buy them. Or when the auditorium was outfitted with pyrotechnics, for that matter. After a few moments of playing on that riff, gh stepped up to the microphone again. He alternated between a raspy scream and operatic crooning while singing:

RAF!!! Is a place of being . . .
Oh, RAF!!! Is a place of being less alone,
So, WHAT'S ALL THE FIGHTING ABOUT!?

**** IT, RAF!!! We're really not misleading. . . .

Due to his aggressive playing style, gh had managed to cut the thumb of his picking hand. Saffa rushed in with a bandage.

OH, RAF!!! OH, GOD, I'M BLEEDING!
OH, GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT TO ME!

Due to gh's inability to stifle his laughter, it could safely be assumed that the accident was staged.

I know what I stand for . . .
I stand for RAF!

I'll wait for Mr. Guy
So far, no posts to reply.
I'm really not a bad guy,
But RAF, makes me want to DIE!!!

Crouched down on one knee, gh rested the guitar on his other knee as he banged his head along with the music. The audience looked at him, perplexed not only by his questionable antics, but also by his lyrics, which made RAF out to be a less than ideal place. gh wasn't finished, though, as he stood back up and delivered his last verse.

I'm just joking!
COME ON, I'M JOKING!
All the RAFians are here!
Now just sit!

I'll wait for someone to come
To chat, hey, Saffa's got rum!
My mind is completely numb,
Also, can someone stitch my thumb?

NOW VOTE!!!

All in the name of RAF . . .
All in the name of RAF . . .

gh calmly stepped away from the mic stand at the end of his song. Half of the attendees stared wide-eyed at him as he took his seat, while the other half were looking at each other for some sort of explanation as to what happened. gh considered the song to be a success.


*Source song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mL9Aohgd79I

[redtailedsaffa]

That was... strange. I love it.

[guitarhero01234]

As I said, lots of strange, absurd humor.

Chapter 2: And the Nominees Are . . .

“Thanks for that . . . lovely song, gh,” Ash said after stepping back up to the podium. “For the record, I had no idea anything like that was going to happen. Somebody remind me to pre-screen any performances like that.” She took a deep breath before continuing. “Anyway, back on-track. Nomees for most contributing member. . . .”

Ash read off the nominees. For the most part, they were rather predictable. There were a few chuckles at the candidates for Most Likely Harbinger of Armageddon, which included Tim Bruening, who seemed to get lost on his way back from the Bannedlands. gh was, naturally, snoozing throughout most of the assembly, until he was nominated twice for best RAF Couple – one of the nominations being himself and YeerkSalad. He woke up rather suddenly to that.

“And that brings us to Member of the Year. Drumroll please?” Ash paused. “No drumroll? Oh well.” Goom rushed in from offstage, holding a comically tiny snare drum. After catching his breath, he gave Ash the requested drumroll.

“Well, I was joking, but thank you Goom. So, nominees for Member of the Year. First off, we have – Goom, that's enough. Thank you. First off, we have . . . myself, it seems! That's certainly a nice surprise! Then, we have Phoenix. . . .”

The rest of the RAFians applauded, while Nate patted a grinning Phoenix on the back.

“Next, there's Cloak. . . .”

Another round of applause for the Realm Walker, who was sitting mostly secluded in the back of the auditorium.

“Then, there's. . . .” Ash stifled a laugh. “gh.”

“Naturally,” gh said, still (barely) awake. A goofy smile spread across his face.

“And the final nominee is Saffa!”

The auditorium was filled once more with applause, as Saffa pumped a fist in the air.

“And I think that about wraps things up. Send your votes in, and we'll announce the winners in two weeks. Have fun!”

* * *

“Let's face it, we're practically superheroes at this point anyway,” gh said. He, Saffa, and Cloak were all discussing amongst themselves later that day. “Think about it. That award is kinda pointless.”

“By the way, what exactly was with that song?” Cloak asked.

“Just figured it would get everyone excited. What, you didn't like it?”

“It was a little over-the-top,” Cloak said bluntly. “Besides, Ash was just revealing the nominations. Nobody's sure who's going to win. Even then, the whole thing is rather trivial.”

gh shrugged. “Hey, I'm just trying to have fun with it.” He gave Cloak a coy look. “Besides, you're just jealous because you know I'm gonna win Member of the Year.”

“Excuse me?” Saffa chimed in. “What makes you so sure that you're going to win?”

“Let's be fair, here; I'm just plain awesome, and that's that.” gh's flat voice made it unclear as to whether or not he was being facetious or not.

“Um, who's the one that kicked your ass after that whole ordeal with Gamemaster?”

“You two . . .” Cloak muttered. He let that thought hang in the air as he left gh and Saffa to their bickering.

[redtailedsaffa]

Oh, I'll PDF this one as well.

[guitarhero01234]

If you want to, that would be awesome!

I'll try to get at least one chapter up tomorrow. No promises.

[Cloak]

A good start, GH. A good start.

[Ash]

Hahaha, I really need to talk to you more, because I didn't recognize myself there

Interesting concept though, I'd love to follow this.

[guitarhero01234]

Hahaha, I really need to talk to you more, because I didn't recognize myself there

Yeah, I was kinda afraid that would happen. I think we can also blame that on my inability to write... Well, anything, really, but especially characters.

[guitarhero01234]

Now that the holidays are winding down, I should have time to work on this again. Sorry about the unannounced lack of activity.

New chapter

Chapter 3: Threats

“Hey buddy, you got any rolling papers?” a grungy looking man asked.

“What?”

“It's not for weed, man, it's for tobacco.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Seriously! So, you have any?”

“ . . . No. I'm leaving now.”*

gh walked down the street, annoyed. Partially by the man who certainly didn't want to roll a joint, and partially by the particularly dismal weather. The sky had been threatening rain all day, and he wasn't pleased by the idea of his guitar strings rusting. Leatherhead (who was laying comfortably in gh's coat pocket), however, loved the rain. Despite Cloak's objections, gh had taken to bringing LH around most everywhere with him. Not just because he liked the company, but also because he was afraid of leaving the reptile in his thread. Too many things could go wrong there.

gh's thoughts were interrupted by a tall, muscle-bound construction worker walking toward him. Something about the way he walked made gh uneasy, and his paranoia was confirmed when the two converged.

“So, you're the great gh?” the man asked, with heavy sarcasm in his voice.

“Depends. Who're you?”

“Tough guy, huh?” gh's annoyed expression was quickly replaced by one of absolute terror. Which is a rather appropriate reaction when one has a cold steel barrel poking against their abdomen. This sudden change in gh's demeanor put a smile on the construction worker's face. “Hm, not so much anymore. Funny, you seemed pretty confident when you stole my blueprints.”

“What the hell are you talking about!?” gh hoped that the man wouldn't fire in broad daylight. Then again, it was entirely possible that he wasn't completely in the right state of mind.

“Don't **** around with me, alright? I know that you remember leaving this.” The worker pulled a picture out of his pocket of gh extending his middle finger toward the camera. gh recognized the photo as one that he took a few years ago.

The gun was pushed harder into gh's belly. He was silently thankful that the man's finger was off the trigger – for now. “I don't like it when people mock me, alright!?” the man roared. gh's eyes darted around the street, looking for someone to help him. Nobody. “Just give them back. You'll walk away, and I won't have any blood on my hands. Fair trade, don't you – AAH!” The worker was cut short. Chancing a look down, gh saw Leatherhead's jaw firmly clamped down on the man's wrist. Instinctively, he yanked his hand back, the gun pointing away from gh. The RAFian took the opportunity to sprint down a side street, Leatherhead having scurried back into his pocket.

After running for a few blocks, gh caught his breath in front of a convenience store. He looked around for the construction worker, not seeing him anywhere. “Lost him,” gh said to himself breathlessly. He ducked inside the store and pretended to browse. Which eventually ended in him dropping an armful of snacks at the checkout counter.

“Do you need anything else, sir?”

gh debated whether or not he should make the purchase he'd been considering for a while. After all, this was a particularly stressful encounter. “Yeah, I'll take a pack of . . .”

He let that thought hang in the air. After getting over the initial fear of having a gun shoved in his belly, gh began to question one very small, very minute thing. What the hell was that guy talking about?

“Sir?”

Obviously, gh had no idea what blueprints he was talking about. Or why they were so important to him to threaten violence.

“Sir?”

Furthermore, why did this person think gh had stolen his documents? And how did this person know gh's name? He preferred to use his real name outside of RAF.

“Sir?”

And how in the world did he manage to get this picture? gh had all but forgotten about the admittedly juvenile photograph, but it was ostensibly him. There was a period when he had the photograph set as his avatar on social media, but that was long behind him.

“Sir?”**

“You know what? Forget it,” gh said eventually. He walked out the door and started to head back to RAF. The others might want to hear about this.



*Yes, I have actually had this exchange before.

**Yeah, I stole this joke from the movie Hot Fuzz. I think it's justified in that it's a great movie.

[redtailedsaffa]

Somehow I'm not surprised that you took that kind of photo in your youth.

[guitarhero01234]

Hasn't everyone?

[redtailedsaffa]

I haven't.

[guitarhero01234]

. . . You win.

[spoiler]
Jesus, I look girly in this picture.[/spoiler]

Anyway, new chapter. This is actually becoming a lot more serious than I originally intended. And it's not Christmas-themed at all. Ah, well.

Chapter 4: Stop Telephoning Me-e-e-e-e

As soon as he got back to the forum, gh had relayed his story to Cloak, Saffa, and Dpsb. The three of them were confused, to say the least, but listened nonetheless. “So, let me get this straight,” Saffa started. “This guy points a gun at you, saying that you stole something from him, when you've never even met him before.”

“Yes. In fact, those are the exact words that I used ten seconds ago.” gh sighed. “Why exactly did you feel the need to repeat that?”

“Because it would annoy you,” Saffa countered, grinning from ear to ear.

“Fair enough.”

Dpsb, who was crouched on the ground, rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “You ever think that this guy might just be crazy? He might have just lost whatever it was that he needed and blamed the first person he saw on the street.”

gh shook his head. “I doubt it. That wouldn't explain how he knew who I am. Or how he got a picture of me.” He sighed again, somewhat wishing he had purchased the cigarettes from the convenience store. He'd have to pester Cloak to get his smokes back, for sure. “I have a feeling that he might be a Knight or something. The blueprints thing might just be a cover-up for if I got away.”

“Not likely,” Cloak said. “Since when have the Knights of Humanity ever shown so much forethought and planning?” gh nodded his head in Cloak's direction, conceding the point. The group were silent in thought for a moment. That silence was broken by the sound of obnoxious dance music.

“Sorry. Phone call,” gh said, pulling his cell phone out of his pocket.

“Seriously, you can't stay focused for one minute!?” Saffa exclaimed.

Dpsb, however, was perplexed. “That's your ringtone?” gh wasn't paying attention to the other RAFians, though. He held the phone up to his ear, listening intently.

“Hold on,” he finally said into the mouthpiece. He pressed the phone against his chest to address the other three. “Stay quiet. I'm putting it on speaker.” He tapped on the touch screen and held the device out in front of him. “Alright, lemme make sure I heard you right. You wanted a large pizza with pepperoni and extra onion?”

The voice coming from the speaker was both confused and frustrated. “What? No! How did you even get that from what I said?”

gh shrugged, a gesture that could not be transmitted through the telephone. “Sorry, guess I just wasn't paying attention. You mind repeating that for me?”

A loud noise emanated from the speaker. It could have been assumed to be either wind or a sharp exhale. “Alright. You might want to listen this time. You don't know who I am, but I assure you that I know you. I'm sure that by this point, you've come in contact with somebody who's claimed that you've wronged them. I'd like you to know that I can help make sure that isn't going to happen again. But I can also make sure that you'll never walk the streets again without being assaulted, arrested, or killed. It's your choice.

“I can help you get this sorted out. I'll send you a text message with an address and time. Meet me there, and and we'll discuss this. If you don't, there will be consequences. Got it?”

“Think so,” gh said. “You said stuffed crust, right?”

“DON'T TAKE THIS LIGHTLY!” The voice on the other end was so loud that the speaker distorted the sound almost past the point of recognition. “I'll send you the details. Come alone.” With that, the call ended.

Saffa smacked gh's arm as he put the phone back in his pocket. “What were you thinking!?”

“Mind games,” gh said, rubbing his shoulder. “I want this guy to know I'm not afraid of him.”

“Is that why your hand is shaking?” Cloak asked flatly.

“Shut up.”

[redtailedsaffa]

That's never usually a great idea.

[Cloak]

True, Saffa, but what is the true extent of what this guy can do? GH know veritable gods, essentially, especially if Estelore is back from one of her sojourns.

Anyway, nice chapters, GH. As irreverent as ever in the last one.