Author Topic: Reworked #20 and beyond!  (Read 1563 times)

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Offline Jadedkoi

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Reworked #20 and beyond!
« on: August 11, 2009, 11:31:36 PM »
Okay, kids: I am not the greatest writer. I need practice and competent individuals willing to shred what I've got in an attempt to force a bit of genius out of the dross.

With That In Mind:A friend of mine gave me THE BESTEST PLOT BUNNY EVAR a truly intriguing idea. She argued to me that if Marco was so tactical and and good at planning and strategy, why did he not take a different approach to how he handled David?
DUHN-DHUN-DHUN.

I have below a snippet I threw together on a whim ten minutes ago. It's the only way i know to write- in short, disjointed bursts. I'm good at scenes, but I lose interest quickly.

Here's the fic's possible beginning, with my plot summary so far (there ain't much) at the very end. Feedback is MASSIVELY appreciated, especially criticism dealing with staying both in character and within the writing style of the series. Exa,ples on how to check if i'm in character would be invaluable. Tips, anyone?


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CHAPTER ONE,
IN WHICH THE AUTHOR BORROWS HEAVILY FROM THE ORIGINAL BOOK 20.

Italics indicate Original Text from Book #20



My name is Marco.

Her name is T'Shondra.

Isn't that a beautiful name? A beautiful name for a beautiful girl. Which is what I told her as I sidled up casually to her locker.

"T'Shondra," I said.

"Marco," she said.

"A beautiful name for a beautiful girl," I said.

"What is? Marco?"

"No, T'Shondra."

"What?"
 
"T'Shondra. I was just saying I thought it would be a beautiful name for a beautiful girl."

"Oh, really!" she said, giving me serious fish-eye. "It would be, huh? For a beautiful girl. But not for me, huh? Is that what you're saying? You just came all the way over here, acting all cool, to tell me I should give my name to some beautiful girl because I'm too much of a pig to have the name?"

At this point I could have explained. But I had this bad feeling that the moment was past. You know? Like nothing I could possibly say was going to make this work.

"How about if we just say this conversation never happened?" I suggested. "How about if I just turn and walk away?"

"That would be a good idea."

~

I was walking away from T'Shondra, shaking my head and muttering to myself about females, when I saw it. I didn't even see the kid holding it at first. I just saw the box.

The blue box.
The morphing cube.

I opened my mouth to yell “Yo!” at the kid, then forced myself to snap it shut. I was not a ‘Yo,” kind of person. If i hated "Yo!", chances were box-kid would hate it even more.  But I had to do something. What? What?

I couldn't cause a scene, or Chapman might come to investigate. I was trapped. I was in Brain-lock. I scanned the halls, looking for anyone who wouldn’t screw this up. No one. Not even Rachel, who would have used her incredibly subtle tactic of morphing an elephant and stomping the kid flat.

On the plus side, no Chapman, either. A school controller high enough in the ranks to know what the box was would do just about anything to get it.

The kid had walked off down the hall and stopped just before he was out of sight, then started turning the combination to what had to be his locker. I held my breath, hoping. Hoping.

He set his bag down on the floor with the box beside it. Maybe someone would kick it and I could make a dive for it. I wanted to jump up and down. I wanted to scream. Instead I shuffled to the side, playing with a strap that was hanging out of a locker at arm’s height.


BBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRI IIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGG GGGGG!

Great. The bell. Hurry up, kid.

“Don’t you need to get to English?”
I jumped about a foot in the air. “Jake!” Oh! Jake. Crap, the box! The kid has the box!”

“What?” Jake asked as I attempted not to go into full hysterics.
I grabbed his face with one hand and steered his line of vision to the floor by the kid’s backpack, where-

There was nothing.

“What am I supposed to be looking at?” Jake asked, cracking his neck as he jerked my hand free.
“It was there. Right there! I swear to you Jake, the kid with the black backpack, down at the end, he has the blue box!”

Jake stared at me like he was trying very hard not to roll his eyes exasperatedly. “What’s the blue box, Marco?”

I stifled a deep and manly scream of terror. “The Box, dude! Elfangor’s Box!”

Jake’s jaw dropped. He flinched like I’d tried to break his face. “Oh, son of a-”

BBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRI IIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGG GGGGG!


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Short, I know.

Plot: Marco and Jake plan throughout Social Studies how to break in to David's locker and get the box. The will succeed after many shenanigans, but david, incensed that his lock's been cut and his box stolen, reports it missing to Chapman, along with a description. Now the Yeerks are investigating.

So, help?


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Offline anijen21

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Re: Reworked #20 and beyond!
« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2009, 05:51:32 PM »
I really like this idea. I actually just reread #20 really recently, and I was super disappointed because the whole impetus behind the David trilogy was everyone, but mostly Marco, behaving like a bunch of total idiots. I mean at one point Tobias is even like, "Oh I saw the box and I totally could have grabbed it, but, you know, you said just to report."

LOL WHAT

so yeah, I'm all for this. I like it so far, and if you can get this whole book going a little more believably than the author could, more power to you!
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Offline Terenia

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Re: Reworked #20 and beyond!
« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2009, 06:08:04 PM »
This is great. I had toyed with the idea of rewriting the trilogy from David's POV, but never got to it.

I like the idea of staying IC but changing their actions. It's a bit of a catch-22, but if you're careful it can work.

One thing that's slightly OOC is when Marco is yelling at Jake about how a kid has the box while they're still in the presumably filled hallway. In the book Marco drags Jake into an unoccupied bathroom. Even in hysterics, I think that Marco would be careful enough not to yell that Elfangor's box is here in front of a hallway full of potential Controllers.

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Offline Jadedkoi

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Re: Reworked #20 and beyond!
« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2009, 08:14:05 PM »
This is great. I had toyed with the idea of rewriting the trilogy from David's POV, but never got to it.

I like the idea of staying IC but changing their actions. It's a bit of a catch-22, but if you're careful it can work.

One thing that's slightly OOC is when Marco is yelling at Jake about how a kid has the box while they're still in the presumably filled hallway. In the book Marco drags Jake into an unoccupied bathroom. Even in hysterics, I think that Marco would be careful enough not to yell that Elfangor's box is here in front of a hallway full of potential Controllers.

This! Thank you. I'll take it into account and rework it. =D
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Offline Lucky_number_sleven

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Re: Reworked #20 and beyond!
« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2009, 10:13:42 PM »
This isn't that bad, honeslty you aren't giving yourself enough credit, but don't give yourself too much, though, as you aren't KAA or Capnnerefir, so your not that good. (No offense)

Anyway, I gotta admit, though, you have made Marco the slightest bit OOC, as, when you read through the books, he rarely throws caution to the wind, and certainly not in a corridor full of possible controllers, and, in a real unfortunate happenstance, Chapman himself. (I know that this has already been told to you, but I thought "meh, I'll just reiterate the point")

I gotta agree with you though, Marco really isn't the kind of person to randomly shout "Yo" at someone, and I honestly cannot fathom what possessed KAA to do something as stupid as that. I'm that you have changed that small thing. (I case your wondering, I have a tendency to let the small things really annoy me, so...)

Well, when you find the opportune moment, could you please flesh out the plot, and write some more.
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Offline Jadedkoi

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Re: Reworked #20 and beyond!
« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2009, 06:18:57 PM »
This isn't that bad, honeslty you aren't giving yourself enough credit, but don't give yourself too much, though, as you aren't KAA or Capnnerefir, so your not that good. (No offense)

*nods* yeah, I am most definitely not publish-worthy. At this point I'm really just trying to translate perfect scenes and emotions in my brain into a workable fic. This is my first actual, serious attempt at writing something and sticking to it, so it's interesting to see the challenges.

Keep in mind as far as writing quality that this is a ten-minute brainstorm mockup, not a polished piece for posting up on ff.net. I don't care about grammar at this point, as the specifics of this scene are going to change at least five times before I nail down something I like.

Quote
Anyway, I gotta admit, though, you have made Marco the slightest bit OOC, as, when you read through the books, he rarely throws caution to the wind, and certainly not in a corridor full of possible controllers, and, in a real unfortunate happenstance, Chapman himself. (I know that this has already been told to you, but I thought "meh, I'll just reiterate the point")

<3! Just both of you saying this has gotten me more in the ani-verse and getting into character. Keep it coming, please. Any tips for mimicing writing style?

Quote
I gotta agree with you though, Marco really isn't the kind of person to randomly shout "Yo" at someone, and I honestly cannot fathom what possessed KAA to do something as stupid as that. I'm that you have changed that small thing. (I case your wondering, I have a tendency to let the small things really annoy me, so...)

Behold the horrors of characters bending to the needs of the plot, instead of the other way around.

Quote
Well, when you find the opportune moment, could you please flesh out the plot, and write some more.

I haven't run it by my beta (who gave me the idea), and I'm hoping she'll be able to style-and-character-nitpick like you guys have even further while sparking plot ideas. I still only have the skeleton I typed at the end above. If you have any ideas for it, by all means, let me know. I have trouble plotting and lose interest easily.

Thanks again. I'm hoping I'll be able to improve my writing.
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Offline Terenia

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Re: Reworked #20 and beyond!
« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2009, 10:17:37 PM »
Quote
<3! Just both of you saying this has gotten me more in the ani-verse and getting into character. Keep it coming, please. Any tips for mimicing writing style?

*winces* This is something that is hard to teach and something that, inevitably, you will always fall short on. I'm very god at mimicking writing styles. It's something I picked up a long time ago and it just works for me, but it's not perfect. It never will be, because I am not the writer I am mimicking. There is always something I say that they would have said differently.

That in mind, there are a few key stylistic tendencies that Applegate has.

1. Onomatopoeia's. Rather than describing a noise, she'll write out the noise as it sounds (TSEEW!)
2. Incomplete sentences. This is a horrible habit I have that I blame entirely on Applegate. She uses a TON of sentence fragments, ALL the time. Now, with that in mind, don't chop all of your sentences up. That won't work either. Applegate does it in a specific way that makes her writing recognizable.

Really, my advice is to write the way that comes most natural to you, and then hope that people are nice enough to point out what sounds OOC. :)

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Offline Jadedkoi

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Re: Reworked #20 and beyond!
« Reply #7 on: August 15, 2009, 01:14:04 PM »
REWRITTEN:

I woke to the sound and smell of bacon frying.

I was dressed for school and in the kitchen in under ten minutes. Since my dad went back to work and started living his life again after my mom died he's started doing stuff again around the house. Breakfast was definitely not included on that list of stuff.

"Hey dad." I said nonchalantly, sliding into a chair next to the small table. My palms were sweating a little. "Aren't you up a little early?

"Early-morning meeting got canceled." My dad said jovially. I was instantly alert. My father is never, ever jovial. "The big-wigs are planning some big security thing down at that new big Marriott resort off the bay. Everybody in my area gets a four-day weekend!"

I stared. "Oh. That's good. What's going on at the Marriott?"

"Nope." My dad said, grinning mischievously. "That's a big secret. You'll just have to find out on the news like everyone else once it's over."

I shrugged. Honestly I wasn't really that interested. A surprise four-day weekend definitely qualified as a reason to grin and make breakfast. I wasn't about to complain about free food.

Fifteen minutes of small-talk and attempted cooking later I was holding three very soggy breakfast burritos in a damp paper towel. The contents of the fourth were spread out on my lap in the car.

"Sorry." My dad said sheepishly, trying to hide a grin. I gave him a 'no sweat' tight-lipped smile and tried not to think about my chances at a successful conversation with T'shondra while smelling like egg drippings and green pepper.

We pulled into the school parking lot and I got out, wiping as much of the burrito as I could onto the ground. I said goodbye and shut the car door, already scanning the sparse crowd for Jake so I could foist a burrito off on him. If I had to suffer, so did he. Besides, I had to get rid of these somehow, and I felt bad about trashing them.

I glanced down the road, to see if maybe he was walking today. We weren't strictly supposed to use our morphing ability frivolously, but all of us had a spare change of clothes in our lockers for when the bus or our parent's cars just didn't cut it.

Jake wasn't walking to school. In fact, as I glanced in that direction thoughts of both Jake and the Burritos I was holding were driven out of my mind. I was busy staring at the box. The blue box I had touched more than a year ago, back when this nightmare I call my life had only just officially started.

Some kid was carrying the Morphing Cube.



---------


My first gut reaction was to get his attention. My mouth was open and I was halfway through starting to say "Yo!" when my brain caught up. I closed my mouth with a snap that rattled my teeth.

"Get a grip, Marco." I muttered. The last thing you need to do is draw attention to him or yourself.

I looked around for Jake again with more urgency, but he was still missing.

I started walking nonchalantly, pegging the kid and watching his movements. He stopped for a moment and knelt on the ground, then unzipped his black bookbag and shoved the box inside. It barely fit and made a sharp point in the fabric as he zipped it shut.

I wondered if he'd stolen it somewhere and was trying to hide the evidence. My blood ran cold with the idea that he might have figured out how to use it.

"No." I muttered to myself aloud. "Stop jumping to conclusions."

I paused and leaned down, pretending to tie my shoelace. The paper towel holding the burritos ended up between my teeth so I could use my hands. By the time I looked up he was in the building.

I was almost to the door when a hand landed on my shoulder. I whipped around to see a startled Jake with wide eyes. "Whoa, Marco, lay off the coffee."

I stepped to the side of the flow of students, pulling Jake with me. I felt torn. Should I follow the kid and find out where his first class was, or brief Jake on the situation first?

The kid, I decided. Briefing Jake would do no good if he was stupid enough to go all "show and tell" with the box to a controller like Chapman.

"Follow me." I said curtly. Jake's eyes grew dark and worried. He's been my best friend long enough to notice immediately when something's up.

By some miracle the kid hadn't disappeared by the time I fought my way through the throng of people loitering around the door. He was at the far end of the hallway in front of an open locker right on the edge of my vision. The black backpack with the box's telltale bulge was on the floor beside him.

The hallway was starting to empty of people as they headed to class. My locker wasn't in this hallway, but Jake's was. I leaned against the lockers as Jake popped the lock off of his.

"Don't look yet," I said in a low voice masked by the babble in the halls. "There's a kid with a black bookbag down at the end of the hall, right by the Band room. He has the box."

"What box?" Jake muttered back to me.

"You'll see."

I had to be calm about this. I had to stay in control and not flip out. I wished that Cassie and Rachel would be in this building before lunch.

I was pretending to flip through my english book and check my sentences against the examples. In reality I was still watching the kid, waiting for the golden moment of opportunity. If he took the box with him to class we were as good as screwed. If he put it in his locker...

A faint hope surged through me, and the beginnings of a plan formed. He unzipped his backpack.

"Now!" I hissed. "Floor. Backpack. Right side of the hall."

Jake glanced over casually, then gaped like a fish as the kid pulled the box free of his bag and tossed it into his locker. He retrieved a final book and slammed it shut, clicking the lock into place. He turned and started walking towards us.

"Jake!" I snapped. He blinked and shook himself. He was hyperventilating. I would have teased him, but so was I.

"I knew I should have stayed home today." he muttered darkly, shutting his locker.

"That's my line." I snapped, thinking hard. Jake and I needed to talk. Time to find a place for it. I grabbed his arm and hoisted him to his feet, which would have worked better if he wasn't about six inches taller and thirty pounds heavier than me. I almost fell, off-balance.

I dragged him along to the bathrooms, noticing that the halls were seriously starting to look empty. I pushed the door open and shoved him inside, then went in after him. I scanned the bottoms of the stalls and kicked in the doors one by one. No one. The room stank from the urinals.

"So." Jake said conversationally. "Unless I'm dreaming, which I am hoping to god for at this point, that guy has the morphing cube."

"Yeah, that's pretty much it." I said, feeling sick. "I might also want to mention that he was carrying it when I first saw him, so he may have already been ID'd by a controller as having it in his possession.

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINN NNNNNNNNNNNNGGGG!

"Ahhh!" I yelled, covering my ears. Jake did the same. What school official thought it would be a good idea to put the bell in the doorway of the boy's bathroom?

"We need to get out of here." Jake said once my hearing had returned. "One more Tardy and I'm stuck in a parent-teacher conference."

"Yeah." I said unenthusiastically. "See you in social studies.

I followed him out of the bathroom, then turned away from him to go through to side door to the covered walkway and the newer building where my locker was. I made it there in record time, mostly because there was almost nobody left in the hall.

I juggled the now-dripping paper towel with three sorry burritos as I walked. I had planned to scarf them, but seeing the blue box had kind of killed my appetite. I got to my locker and with no trash can in sight I balled up the paper towel and pitched it to the very back. I'd throw it away later today, when I had time.

My english book and I managed to make it back to class just seconds before the bell. This time the irony gods were merciful and the bell was a ways down the hall, cutting out some of the shrillness. My ears were still ringing, though.

"That's their master plan." I muttered under my breath. "Deafen us and then fail us all because we didn't listen to the teacher's instructions."

My head slammed into the desk. I let it. I was exhausted mentally and still trying to figure out how I was going to get that box. I dimly heard the teacher ask for papers to be passed back and felt something land on my head. I was last in the row, so I didn't move. It slid to the floor.

I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked up to see the teacher staring at me along with a third of the class.

"Would you like to take your test, or should I just give you a zero?" My teacher asked. I groaned.

"No ma'am. I'll take the test, ma'am." She looked like she would have rathered I take the zero, but moved back towards her desk. I sighed heavily.

"Time to flunk out of English." I muttered to no one.


-----------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------

Tear it apart, pl0x.
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Offline anijen21

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Re: Reworked #20 and beyond!
« Reply #8 on: August 15, 2009, 02:51:44 PM »
Your Marco voice is really good. I like the dialogue a lot; it's very sharp and funny and Marco-esque. And I like that you give Jake a little sense of humor too, I think that's something that's lost on a lot of fan-fiction, is Marco and Jake are a comedy team, and 95% of the time Jake is just the straight man, but he's sharp enough to put Marco in his place when the time comes.

I think your pacing is a little bit...off. Like if Marco sees the Escafil Device, I really don't care what he's going to do with his breakfast burritos. It's perfectly fine to have in-narration planning and scheming, like maybe rather than saying what's actually happening to the physical copy of the test he's going to take, have him fully concentrate on the box and what morph can I use to open that locker without being seen and--oh, that English test is today?

Overall, very good. I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit as a writer--you've got a sharp voice that's very in-character for Marco, and I'm excited to see what comes next!
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Offline Jadedkoi

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Re: Reworked #20 and beyond!
« Reply #9 on: August 15, 2009, 03:32:58 PM »
Your Marco voice is really good. I like the dialogue a lot; it's very sharp and funny and Marco-esque. And I like that you give Jake a little sense of humor too, I think that's something that's lost on a lot of fan-fiction, is Marco and Jake are a comedy team, and 95% of the time Jake is just the straight man, but he's sharp enough to put Marco in his place when the time comes.

I think your pacing is a little bit...off. Like if Marco sees the Escafil Device, I really don't care what he's going to do with his breakfast burritos. It's perfectly fine to have in-narration planning and scheming, like maybe rather than saying what's actually happening to the physical copy of the test he's going to take, have him fully concentrate on the box and what morph can I use to open that locker without being seen and--oh, that English test is today?

Overall, very good. I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit as a writer--you've got a sharp voice that's very in-character for Marco, and I'm excited to see what comes next!

The burrito thing- yeah, I need to tone it down. Those stinking, fetid burritos are going to get thrown in chapman's face at the end of the day as part of a distraction to allow the anis to cut off the lock on david's locker and get the box.
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Offline anijen21

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Re: Reworked #20 and beyond!
« Reply #10 on: August 15, 2009, 03:43:53 PM »
Ah, so you've got a little Chekov's gun thing going with the burritos. That's cool, but you're right, you can tone it down and still have it work. Just have Marco shove them in his backpack with a 2-week-old peanut butter and jelly sandwich and an old, well-worn copy of Maxim and you're good to go.
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Offline Lucky_number_sleven

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Re: Reworked #20 and beyond!
« Reply #11 on: August 15, 2009, 09:58:31 PM »
Quote
The burrito thing- yeah, I need to tone it down. Those stinking, fetid burritos are going to get thrown in chapman's face at the end of the day as part of a distraction to allow the anis to cut off the lock on david's locker and get the box.

What you're seeing here is the major flaw in letting people pick apart your stories before you've had time to write a considerable amount of said story. Unfortunately, there is nothing more productive than having people pick apart your story, and study it for mistakes or OOC moments; it takes a lot of work away from the author, and when a mistake is found, all you have to do is re-post the story.

As for the story itself, I like the fact that you have successfully re-written the introduction. I know that the initial post was just an idea, but this new version is better than the "Copy-Paste" original. I like how you have written Marco's narration, as it's very similar to the books. Also, I like how you slipped in the Marriott hotel thing, and it's gonna be a bit better with one of the anis having a bit of knowledge of the meeting when they are told.   
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Offline Jadedkoi

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Re: Reworked #20 and beyond!
« Reply #12 on: August 19, 2009, 01:28:25 AM »
This is what I'm currently working on. You guys have been absolutely amazing in helping me get more into character and I can't thank you enough.

^__^ Style/character check? Should have more by thursday.

----------------------------


My name is Marco.

Her name is Tshondra. Oh, Sweet, sweet Tshondra.

"Hey baby." Tshondra said sweetly. "You want me to give you a back rub?"

"Do I ever" I said, grinning as I relaxed face-down on a beach towel in the warm sand. After a moment I raised my head. "What? No backrub?"

The beach was gone. I was in my bed, lying facedown on a smelly pillow under a red-and-navy comforter. Well, half of me was under it.

"Awww, really?" I whined. "Did it have to be a dream? I weep. I pine, I beg, I yearn for slumber!"

My room was silent on this pronouncement. Not surprisingly.

The red numbers on my clock glowed 5:57AM. It looked like the sun was halfway up from the cracks in the blinds. I half-sat up trying to decide what had woken me up when I smelled egg and sausage cooking.

Since when did Dad have time before work to cook breakfast?

It wasn't worth going back to bed for less than an hour, so I threw on a bathrobe and stopped about halfway down the stairs. My dad was at the stove in a bright yellow terrycloth bathrobe and matching oversized duck slippers. 

Il Re Pastore was playing on my dad's super-expensive audio system. I only knew what it was because it was his favorite. The man is obsessed with Mozart.

"Hey!" I said loudly as I got to the kitchen. He jumped and a fresh-rolled breakfast burrito fell off of the plate and onto the floor.

"Oops." He said, smiling a little sheepishly. He moved into the living room to turn the stereo down. I grabbed some paper towels and wiped up the mess, wincing at the sausage that didn't look totally cooked.

The sound level dropped. "Better?"

"Yeah, thanks. I think my eardrums will manage to recover."

"Oh, I don't know. Most of the time you act like you have permanent Dad-specific hearing damage." He grinned at me and I got that kind of embarrased smile I do when he's being too silly.

"So why are you up so early?" I was interested.
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