Disregard this post if you wish, it has nothing to do with Animorphs or the GESB.
Chad may be right, I might love Aleksey too much. I'm certain I love him more than most people love their animal companions, but he is one of the most important beings in my life. I'm not a terribly attractive person, and I've never had a significant other. I live alone aside from Aleksey, he helps me in so many ways I can't even name. He loves me unconditionally, it doesn't matter what I look like or how I act, he loves me, and I love him. I guess I don't see a problem with that...I know that if I lose him before I die (which is likely the case), it will hurt terribly...but I can't make myself love him any less and quite frankly, I don't want to make myself try. He's a young dog and he deserves many more years than just two on this planet.
I do believe that many people would cry if one of the most important companions in their lives narrowly escaped death and was still in the woods even if they'd been given a good prognosis, or if they had listened to that companion shriek and howl in pain as they tried to retch while their esophogus and intestines were twisted shut, causing their stomach to nearly explode with every involuntary muscular contraction. It was the most horrible noise I'd ever heard, especially knowing it was coming from a companion that I love with all of my heart. He doesn't deserve this pain and suffering, he has done nothing to merit such punishment, and it's really a double entendre, because he's the one that consoles me when I'm sad or depressed. I also experienced pure panic for the very first time in my life. Do you know what it feels like to feel completely and totally helpless? To see and hear a loved one dying right before your eyes, looking at you in desperation for help...and you not knowing what the hell to do? I replay that scene over and over in my head because I can't help it, and I can still feel the dread and panic when I do...not as strongly or as freshly, but it's still there, I'll never forget it.
And then finally getting that loved-one to the hospital, hearing that he has a good chance of survival with surgery, and then being told that you have to magically produce $1500 on the spot or they'll just let him die? To have all of your options fail...to feel completely helpless, knowing that you're going to lose your closest companion because you don't have any god damned money?! "Oh we could save his life but we're not going to." Can you understand the frustration? And then the only way that you can produce the money is if your mother loans you the last bit of savings she has and possibly faces foreclosure several months sooner because of it? Now family-members are judging me for causing my mother financial hardship because they don't think my closest companion is worth anything. I just want to scream and cry and howl and bash my head against the wall over and over again...all at the same time.
I will admit that, as most of you have already probably figured out, posting a warning about slow or strange posts was a bit of a pretext, I actually posted more as a cry for help because I didn't and still don't know how to deal with how I'm feeling. And it's not just this horrible event that's causing this depression...it's also the repurcussions, such as how am I going to come up with another $1500 - $2000 when I barely have enough money to cover my rent and utilities? How am I going to pay my credit cards? How am I going to survive and provide for Aleksey? How am I ever going to be able to repay my mom and save up for going back to school at the same time? I've already decided to allow my vehicle insurance to lapse (which is against the law), and I'm going to spend less on food. And I'm looking for new employment with a vengeance, but it's not a quick process, especially with today's economy. Not only that but my mom is going through a difficult separation/divorce, and her factory moved to Mexico so she doesn't have a career anymore. Aleksey was the being that allowed me to cope with everything else, and now I don't have him and he almost died. Yes I'm still in shock, yes I love my dog more than any person aside from my mother, and yes I am physically ill because of this whole thing. I feel like a part of me has been ripped away and it hurts even if he's most likely going to be okay. I was asking for help under the guise of a different reason because I was afraid of being judged, afraid that people wouldn't understand how I can love an animal as much or more than a person. I have always had a strong connection with animals...you see they don't judge me, they provide love whereas the only humans to provide that are my parents (my mother especially). I love Aleksey dearly, and if you want to call it obsession, then you may do so, but it won't change how I feel about him, or how I feel about witnessing what I saw yesterday morning.
I'm sorry for the rant...this probably isn't the correct place for such things, after all it has nothing to do with the subject matter. As mentioned above, disregard this if you wish.
