Things the Animorphs (and other characters) would never say

[TobiasMasonPark]

     (Phone rings)

     Rachel: (Picks up phone) Hello?
     Voice: Hello?
     Rachel: Who's this?
     Voice: Who's this?
     Rachel: This is Rachel. Who's this?
     Voice: Take a guess...
     Rachel: Marco?
     Voice: No...
     Rachel: Jake?
     Voice: Not even close.
     Rachel: I'm gonna hang up...
     Voice: Why? Gonna go fight some Yeerks?

     Rachel: Who is this!
     Voice: Someone who knows about you, Rachel. Someone's that's just...waiting to kill you!
   
     (Ghostface appears)

     Killer 1: (Pulls off mask to reveal Marco) Hello....Rachel.
     Rachel: MARCO!
     
     (Another Ghostface appears)

     Killer 2: (Pulls off mask to reveal Cassie, grinning) Surpriiiiiiised, Rachel?
     Rachel: CASSSIE!

     (Thump at the window. Marco opens it, and a hawk wearing a Ghostface mask enters the room)

     Killer 3: Sorry...I can't see anything in this freaking mask!
   
     Killer 4 (Unmasked): Can you guess....guh-esss...who...it...is, Rachel? Ach...ELLL?

     Killers 5 and 6: (Pulls off their masks to reveal Tom and Chapman)--

     Rachel: Yea, I know. "Hello, Rachel."

     Tom: Aw, did they already say it? I thought we were gonna say it together, like at rehersal.

     Rachel: So, just out of curiosity, how many people are gonna show up?

     (Killers 7, 8, 9 and 10 enter)

     Rachel: (Sits on couch to read a magazine)

[NateSean]

Sorry this isn't longer. I just couldn't let this thread die.

*Jake and the gang are gathered around the strange blue alien spacecraft*

Cassie: What is it?
Jake: I've seen this before.

*The others look at him, but Marco nods*

Marco: Yeah. Didn't these used to be all over the place.

*Tobias stares at it for a long time*

Tobias: Oh yeah. It's a British police box...

[Blazing Angel]

british police box?

[NateSean]

Ask one of the British forum members if you're puzzled.

[Blazing Angel]

Still dont know what that is

[Aluminator (Kit)]

Haha. Blaze, you're going to keep missing Doctor Who references until you watch the series. You should do that

[Dogman15]

I don't even watch "Doctor Who" and I got the reference. I blame TV Tropes ("So-and-so is a Time Lord!) and Doctor Whooves (MLP:FiM) for understanding references to that show.

[NateSean]

All right. Here's one that should at least elicit a chuckle.

Jake: I'm...a controller.

Temrash 114: Yes. And now I'm going to ensure my place among the Yeerk Empire for all time.
Jake: So, you're going to tail my friends?

Temrash: No, why would I do that? Your Andalite would rat me out me out in a heartbeat and I know from your memories how well your friends and cousin know you. Oh no. I didn't get promoted by being stupid.

*Temrash bolts from the hospital*

Three Years Later, on a Yeerk controlled planet Earth, Temrash in the body of Jake, and four other controllers posessing Cassie, Rachel, Marco and Ax are eating roasted hawk.

Narrator: And Temrash 114 used the memories of Jake Berenson to locate and infest his friends, their families. Visser Three was promptly usurped and Temrash later led the invasion of the Leeran homeworld, which allowed them to route and destroy the Chee and use the advanced Pemalite space craft as a warship against the Andalite homeworld.

The End.

[warren_bearclaw]

All right. Here's one that should at least elicit a chuckle.

Jake: I'm...a controller.

Temrash 114: Yes. And now I'm going to ensure my place among the Yeerk Empire for all time.
Jake: So, you're going to tail my friends?

Temrash: No, why would I do that? Your Andalite would rat me out me out in a heartbeat and I know from your memories how well your friends and cousin know you. Oh no. I didn't get promoted by being stupid.

*Temrash bolts from the hospital*

Three Years Later, on a Yeerk controlled planet Earth, Temrash in the body of Jake, and four other controllers posessing Cassie, Rachel, Marco and Ax are eating roasted hawk.

Narrator: And Temrash 114 used the memories of Jake Berenson to locate and infest his friends, their families. Visser Three was promptly usurped and Temrash later led the invasion of the Leeran homeworld, which allowed them to route and destroy the Chee and use the advanced Pemalite space craft as a warship against the Andalite homeworld.

The End.

That's.. actually an ingenious plan....

[NateSean]

*Visser Three stands over Elfangor's weakened form*

Visser Three: At last Elfangor, we meet.

Elfangor: Uh...we've all ready met.

Visser Three: *Thinks a moment* Right. Anyway, you've caused quite a mess up there. And now that I have you before me, there is one thing I have been planning to do from the start.

Elfangor: You're going to morph and devour me, an act that would not be possible had I not inadvertantly handed Alloran's body over to you all those years ago?

Visser Three: Now whose the dumb one? You're a famous Andalite Prince who has tactical knowledge that could be useful to us. I may not want another Andalite controller out there, but we are not going to win this war if I continue to be a short-sighted and arrogant fool.

Three years later

*The newly promoted Visser One in Elfangor's body is standing before the Council of Thirteen. Marco's mother is polishing his hooves.*

Visser One: And using the knowledge of Elfangor's son, which was tucked away in the back of his memories by the Ellimist, I was able to track down Tobias and granted him to my most loyal ally, then known as Visser Four. He was able to help me find four other morph capable human beings who didn't even have a clue as to how to use their powers yet.

*The Emperor of the Yeerks, who now possesses Alloran's body, nods in approval*

Emperor: Well done, Esplin. We could never have secured Earth without your intuition.

[Blazing Angel]

Bears right. Thats so ingenious that its scary

[NateSean]

*Visser Four is now defunct and working under Visser Three. At the end of his wits one day, he stumbles across the Time Matrix*

Visser Four: Amazing. The ancient device in Andalite mythology is real.

Visser 4's host: And I will continue reciting Shakespere until you use that Time Matrix to-

*Visser Four is back on the Leeran Homeworld in his Hork-Bajir body.*

Visser Four: Okay. Lets make history....

[NateSean]

*Jake hands Elfangor the cube*

Elfangor: Now, you children who have gathered here completely by accident will be able to become any animal you wish for two hours at a time. Just touch one side of the cube and I'll intiate the sequence that will give you the morphing power.

*Cassie looks around*

Cassie: Um...this was a popular construction site wasn't it?

*Mike from Phoenix's fanfiction and Sean from the Chronicles of Sean fanfic are standing nearby*

Sean: Yeah, uh...I wasn't even supposed to be here until tomorrow. Maybe I could come back?

Elfangor: No, no. You're here now so lets make the most of it.

Mike: Well, I all ready know everything that's going to happen.

Another Fanfic Character: I'm Tobias' secret twin sister.
Fanfic Character 2: No, kidding, so am I.

*Other fanfic characters chime in as being related to Tobias.*

Elfnagor: Okay, well, it's a little late for me to get that paternity test now so why don't we all just get in line and I'll give you each the morphing power so you can fight the deadly Yeerks.

*Jake, Marco, Rachel, Cassie and Tobias get the power and then organize a queue of all of the fanfic and crossover characters who were also at the construction site. "You" from the Alternamorphs series are also there.*

You: Wow, I'm so glad I was riding my-

Jake: Hey, what the hell are you doing here?
Marco: Yeah, we don't need some implausible scenario involving a self-insertion character. So get out.

[cams]

Marco and Cassie are shrunk and captured in the Helmacron ship.
Cassie: This isn't good... What should we do?
Marco: I got an idea! Hey Helmacron!
Helmacron: <What do you want inferior prisoner?>
Marco: We may be more inferior than you, but you have to admit we're more experienced with this planet, right?
Helmacron: *Thinks for a second* <True.>
Marco: We will help you take over the planet. We will be your leader!
Helmacron: <You're going to betray your race?>
Marco: Yes.
*The Helmacrons discuss this*
Cassie: I also have an idea, if this doesn't work let's try to get anteater morphs.
Marco: Don't worry, they will accept us, I can feel it.
Helmacron: <Ok, help us take the blue box and take over this planet.>
Marco: See? My plan worked. We're now
Cassie: BEHIND YOU!!
*The Helmacrons takes their swords out and kills them both.*

[Dogman15]

*Visser Four is now defunct and working under Visser Three. At the end of his wits one day, he stumbles across the Time Matrix*

Visser Four: Amazing. The ancient device in Andalite mythology is real.

Visser 4's host: And I will continue reciting Shakespere until you use that Time Matrix to-

*Visser Four is back on the Leeran Homeworld in his Hork-Bajir body.*

Visser Four: Okay. Lets make history....

Visser Four's host = John Berryman http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_minor_humans_(Animorphs)#J