STERLINGS POETRY

[elelohesterling]

WARNING:
SOME OF THESE POEMS ARE EXTREMELY DARK!
IF YOU ARE A CUTTER WHO IS TRYING TO QUIT AND FEELS TALKING ABOUT IT MAY MAKE THEM START AGAIN DO NOT READ!

In addittion to be VERY clear, I'm not writing these for sympathy, I write them to vent and was told I should post them, so I am.

[elelohesterling]

All of the following few poems I wrote awhile ago. ( about a year and a ahalf as I was quitting SI)

These first few where written more than two years ago.

Blood Flows

I'm Bored & depressed,
while I'm Laying here, I see the blade,
I Open it.
The temptation tO cut is too much It's warm, it invites me to open it.
Dropping it to my skin,


I run it Forwards and backwards
bLood flows from underneath the blade.
Taking the blade away frOm my skin,
I see the Wound, and I think
'That'll become a Scar', and still the blood flows.

Mutilation

My wounds
Hurt, i long to feel the pain thoUgh.
The only consTant in my life is the pain.
Everything swIrls around me
It's all out of controL.
All except the pAin.
I Try so hard to make
ThIngs make
SOme amount of sense.
but Nothing does!

I Cut to Feel

Their laughter It rolls across the field,


it Chills me
no one Understands me.
The blade is there in my pocket


It's warm, it invites me To open it.
My callOussed feelings I hate,


To throw them away From me, I run the blade
Across my arm longing to fEel something
the coldnEss of my heart I long to get
rid of someone heLp me!

Pain is Joy

People
are Always
Insulting me
No one is


carIng
So I


Jab, poke, & open my skin.
Relief flOods in, as the blood flows out
Ahh joY!

THE BLADE

Thin
Hot
wEt


Blood
Laces
Across my
BoDy
ForEver I am dying!!

My Soul Dies

Every Minute that passes signals another
piece of mY heart that


dieS!
Every persOn that hurts me is marked by another
cUt, another lost piece of
souL and heart.


Why Does no one care,
Why do they have to Insult me?
What fun do thEy get out of it that makes it worth
murdering someone? Don't they See me dying here alone.

Forever Dying

Forever my death approaches
AprOaching but never ending
I'm always Running from it but
I nEver can get away from it.
NeVer able to get away from the blade.
So instEad i embrace it,
YeaRning for it's cold touch.


The colD touch rejuvenates me & wakes me.
No longer do i run awaY from the blade
Instead i embrace it,
But still Now i am forever
DyinG.

This next one I wrote the 22nd of July of this year, as I was struggling with wanting to SI but hadn't yet..

AS THE SOUL CRIES

A long time
Since the last cut and burn

buT my soul cries out for
tHe blade once again
shE never can know what

She did
tO me. her beytrayal
hUrt more than she knows
Lies are my only solace.

Crying out for love, i must
deny heR only solace, for to accept
love's gIft will complicate matters
morE. Will life ever get better or will
the Silent blade be my only embrace.

This next poem I wrote a yesterday, right after I cut for the first time in a year and 10 months exactly to the day.

Failure, the term that defines my life.
A year and a half of denying
It's only solace, the blade now
Lies in my hand, I cut with it and it released the
pUre exstacy that only blood
Reveals. THen the pain returns, worse than ever. THe betrayal of
Everyone is now compounded by the betrayal of self.

This next one I wrote today.

I've struggled through, jaded by the
Violent past that haunts me, that leaves me screaming for the solace I can't find.
Everything I want, has been torn from me.

God seems to have forsaken me, the only solace
I find is in the blade, part of me longs to see violent red streams of blood pour from my
Veins.
Eating into the flesh, I have been satisfied by the blade's pain, but the healing pain ends, and I am left with
Nothing but the hurtful pain i began with. Will this blade satisfy me temorarily, or will

It become too much, will I cut too deep, do I need to cut too deep? I've given my all for my love, for my friends, for my past love, and all I
Take away from it is a dirtied soul, a betrayed soul.

All I have is Love's only solace, but I cant give her my
Love, for it has been dirtied, and is not a gift worth of her holiness. Dear
Love, Dear Ana, know that my body is yours, but my soul is dead, buried alive by the past. I've given it all.

[Estelore]

Hey, I'm not "sympathising", as you put it. I only pity those who choose to do evil to others, knowingly, which doesn't seem to apply to you. I've never inflicted any injuries intentionally on myself, so I certainly cannot empathise.

However, I DO have a best friend who is more than a little suicidal. I don't take these things lightly at all.

If you need to talk, I'm here. I'll listen, and I'll not judge. My friend is still alive, and more or less stable, if that says anything. The offer stands, and I'll not push you. Please be safe. I consider you a friend, too.

Still, and all, this stuff is good writing.
You have a good word-flow. For someone who tends to keep to the same subject, you don't repeat your patterns very much at all (that's a good thing). The existing patterns move in a fluid, conversational, natural way.

Hey, one awkward question: Do you have any diagnosed form of OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder)?
You don't have to answer that, of course.

Keep up the writing, and...y'know...not the other stuff!
I'll keep reading!

[elelohesterling]

No OCD... and I'm generally not suicidal, I harm myself to keep from going nuts if that makes sense to anyone other than my demented mind.

The only times I'm really suicidal is when my Bi-Polar acts FAR out of control, most of the time my Bi-polar is so subdued I dont ned medication, but if I'm under a TON of stress, it can give me the INTENSE mood swings.

Beyond Bi-polar hte only thing I know I have is PTSD and ADHD....

[Estelore]

Ah. That makes a LOT more sense.
Human psychology is familiar territory for me, so this helps, to know it.

By the by, if you are faking all this for a laugh, I'll rip out your throat. Okay?
'Cause that just isn't funny. *stern look*
It's a different kind of sickness, called sociopathy/sadism. We don't need that here.


Otherwise, though, we're good.

[elelohesterling]

Nope... I never cut for attention... I alwasy cut where I could hide it, and I only was open about it recently when I thought I was over it and could help people, but other stressors caused me to fail. Epicly.