Memoirs of a RAFian

[redtailedsaffa]

Well, it was coming.

[Cloak]

Yep. New book ideas.

• Book DCCCXLVII: "Cheat Codes" -- The RAFians must deal with an odd relic that allows reality "cheat codes".
• Book DCCCXLVIII: "Prop Hunt" -- The RAFians must deal with tsukumogami-like creatures.
• Book DCCCXLIX: "Bizarre . . ." -- The RAFians must deal with Bizarro versions of themselves.
• Book DCCCL: "Gemini Ghosts" -- The RAFians must deal with gemini ghosts.
• Book DCCCLI: "Swords of Concealing Darkness" -- The RAFians must deal with some very odd swords.
• Book DCCCLII: "Runaway Helms" -- The RAFians must deal with some strange helmets.
• Book DCCCLIII: "Strange Bedfellows" -- Old enemies of RAF make an uneasy alliance with daemonites.

There. Don't think I rehashed anything.

New chapter.
 

CHAPTER TWENTY:
Planchakule Problems

Cloak isolated himself from the excited frivolity that came from the celebration of the departure of the sprites. He wasn't in a particularly festive mood, at the moment, brooding here in the deserted alleyways of RAF.

But he quickly caught sight of something. It was a small, crimson red, devil-like creature who bore a close resemblance to an imp. It was very small, but it seemed to be a little taller than a Galvan, but smaller than a Gourmand. It's yellowed eyes had black pupils, its ears were spiked, and it possessed a prominent, big nose. There was a apike on it's chin and near each one of its eyes. It wore an aviator's outfit with an ascot of blacks and greens.

Cloak recognized the species, but didn't know the name exactly. He thought it was something like Planchakule. But it that didn't matter. Having a Planchakule here, especially unnoticed, was quite dangerous. They were quite known for dismantling things, and breaking them with reckless abandon. And, while they can fix them, these measures usually do not last very long.

Cloak gave chase, like a tiger hunting a pig.

"I finally made it through RAF school.
Somehow I made it through.
I'm just a newbie,
I still make a mistake or two.
I was last in my class,
Barely passed at the RAF institute.
Now I'm trying to avoid, yeah I'm trying to avoid
A malpractice suit."

The Planchakule targeted Oceanspray, who was enjoying the celebration, unaware of the imminent danger he was in. The Planchakule was muttering, "Disassemble, disassemble, disassemble, break, break, break!"

"Not today, you don't," Cloak muttered back, and used an aerokinetic suction technique to pull the Planchakule away from the android RAFian. Oceanspray didn't even realize just how close he came from being disassembled. But the Planchakule took off again.

"Hey!" Cloak protested quietly. The others had earned this celebration.

"Hey, like a RAFian,
Postin' for the very first time!
Like a RAFian,
Topic lurking is my line.
Better give this all your attention, newbies.
This thread's fading fast.
Complications have set in.
Don't know how long it'll last.
Let me see, that poll.
Here we go - time to post.
I'll pull the topic inside out, pull the topic inside out,
And forget what the original topic was!"

The Realm Walker discovered the Planchakule going inside the hanger where Yarin's ship and Aquilai's TARDIS were. And the two were here with their respective conveyances. The Planchakule went to Yarin's ship first.

"No!" Cloak shouted.

But this was a feint, as he suddenly changed direction and headed for Aquilai's TARDIS. And, all the while, they heard:

"Like a RAFian, hey,
Postin' for the very first time!
Like a RAFian,
Here's a waiver for you to sign
Your life away.
Oh, oh, oh!
My threads die, yeah, my threads die --
Before the users can post!
Like a RAFian, hey,
Postin' for the very first time!
Like a RAFian,
Got your topics on my mind.
Like a RAFian, ooh, like a RAFian,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, woe, oh!
Ooh, baby, yeah!
I can read your posts
All the time!"

"GH, you're drunk," Saffa said.

"So?" GH slurred.

Meanwhile, Cloak was unsuccessful in capturing the Planchakule before it made it's way into the TARDIS, with Aquilai complaining about it, naturally.

"Don't touch that!"

"Disassemble, disassemble, disassemble!!"

"No!!"

"Break, break, break!!"

"Get that thing out of here!!"

[guitarhero01234]

Ah, Like a Surgeon. Pretty sure that was the first Weird Al song that I ever heard. Either that or one of the Michael Jackson parodies.

Not sure what the point of that parody was, though. Really didn't have much to do with the rest of the chapter. Was I really that drunk?

[Cloak]

Oh? Didn't know that. I think the next book will center more on Yarin then his Nyac species . . . hmmm . . . well, we won't know until I write it!

New chapter.
 

BOOK CVIII:
DESTROY ALL . . . WHAT?
CHAPTER ONE:
Contest of Gastronomic Giants

Aquilai was livid, but the Planchakule was eventually captured. His TARDIS was . . . well, it was worse for wear. He spent all his time grumbling how that it would take him weeks -- weeks! -- to repair the damage. He was . . . was not going to be sociable for a good long while.

Meanwhile, the RAFians were called in to make sure that an eating contest between a Murk Gourmand and an . . . Cloak thought they were called Oryctini.

Gourmands, as a species, were divided into two groups, the Perk and Murk Gourmands. Perk Gourmands are green all over, with a darker shade of green on the top of their head, and the same color all over their backs and hands. They have very crooked teeth that appear outside the top of their mouth, forming an over-bite, and they wear metal cups on their heads like helmets, and fight with spoons. Murk Gourmands, on the other hand, Murk Gourmands are swampy-green, have tan bellies and muzzles, black digits and black-green spots on their tails, limbs, hips and back. Their eyes are sharper and lack pupils. Also, their teeth are more aligned with visibly sharp canine teeth that appear outside the bottom of their mouth in an underbite. They wear metal saucers to protect their heads and fight with forks.

As for the Oryctini, or whatever their true name was, had its upper lip completely covered by his lower lip, with sharp teeth, a blue tongue, and his horn that forks at the top, reminiscent to that of a Japanese rhinoceros beetle. He had two toes on his feet, and spikes on his arms and back of his legs. He has a dark green, almost black, shell on his back and armor of the same color.

Cloak, GH, and Gaz were the ones that responded. Saffa had actually refused*, not wanting to do yet another security job.

However, GH was getting into the full swing of things.

"Eat, guys, eat!
Eat with all your might!
Eat that pasta!
Eat it fasta!
'Til it's outta sight.
('Til it's outta sight.)
Munch, guys, munch!
Come on, let's do lunch!
Make your belly
Mozzarelli.
Crunch, crunch, crunch.
(Crunch, crunch, crunch.)
Cheese, salami, ham and Swiss,
Whole-wheat, rye, and white!
Slices tomatoes!
Tons of mayo!
Love at first bite.
Guys, you're awesome eaters!
Yes, you are the top!
Butter better, bitter batter.
You don't have to stop!
Double-stack it!
You can hack it!
Yum, guys, yum!
Don't you miss a crumb!
Add a dinner!
You're the winner!
Don't you pause or you'll get thinner!
More, guys, more!!
Till you can't fit through the door!
EAT, GUYS, EAT!!
CHOW, CHOW, CHOW!!!"**

"I think we lost GH," Gaz commented benignly.

"Oh, nah," Cloak said, "he's just like that.*"

*

** Yeah, yeah, yeah, third time I used this source song. So sue me.

[guitarhero01234]

gh singing a song about food? Pshh, that would never happen.

[redtailedsaffa]

Yeah, and you'd never compose a full melody for one, oh no.

Of course I refused. I wanted to sleep.

[guitarhero01234]

And he would never, under any circumstances, drop a link to a rough, crappy demo of said song.

Yeah, I know you've probably heard it by now, but if you haven't. . . .

[Cloak]

. . . Oh, yeah. Forgot about that.

New chapter.
 

CHAPTER TWO:
First Furon

A saucer-like spacecraft approached the Earth. It held skme resemblance to a Skrit Na frieghter but the similarities were all just superficial. The saucer hesitated just above the planet's atmosphere, almost to make sure that it was the right planet. But, in the end, it decided that, yes, this was the correct planet.

It surveyed this planet, the nearby city, the forest, and . . . was that -- it assumed that it was a military base. It set down in a covered meadow, looking almost blasphemous in the waning dappled light.

From the saucer, came a hairless, greyish-blue humanoid with large eyes and a large cranium. It has circles on the sides of their craniums (where human ears would normally be located) that glow with energy. It's eyes are reflective, with no true eye color. It possessed three fingers with one thumb and the same foot size. It also had wrinkled skin.

It was a creature called a Furon, from the planet of the same name, and his name was Trichomonas. Trike, for short. He was armed with some sort of blaster and jetpack. And he was searching for . . . something . . .

***

Cloak sensed it at once. But he did not know what precisely what he was sensing. All he could tell was that it was an evil of a sociopathic sort.

He should have known that they would not have gotten much of a respite from the last major ordeal, the one with those pesky sprites.

But he wasn't prepared for a creature or thing that felt like Malice, but so clearly not. Cloak honestly did not know what to make of it. Was it just a mutant whose powers just manifested? A dangerous technological device that they would eventually end up destroying? A possible scout for an invading alien species?

Whatever it was, he wouldn't discover its identity sitting here in his thread. He would have to be proactive. He donned his cloak, and left his thread, to seek out whatever this threat would be. And he was sure that it was a threat.

***

But Cloak was not the only one to sense the Furon's arrival. Yarin sensed it too, and his demeanor changed in an instant. All six eyes of his darkened as a remembered anger came back to him.

"A Furon," he muttered at once, able to sense Trike's psychic imprint, though he was a good distance away. The Nyac gritted his teeth as an old anger seeped back into him. His kind, the Nyac, have had a bad relationship with the Furon. "A Furon. Here?"

He immediately went to the RAFian sensors, programming them with the basic codes for the Furon cloaking technology. If you could call it technology. Furon technology was always, he found, much cruder than the elegance of Nyac technology, sloppier than the curious indeterminate and irreverent nature of Realm Walker tech, the understated simplicity of Time Lord tech . . .

Yes, Yarin was a tech snob.

[redtailedsaffa]

So they look like literally every 90s bobblehead depiction of aliens ever?

[Cloak]

Actually, they look like this:



New chapter. Sorry about the brevity.
 

CHAPTER THREE:
Disguising and Hiding

The Furon, with a voice, intonation, and word choice of Jack Nicholson, was talking to his handler, Micropox (Pox, for short), and Pox was giving Trike his orders. And Pox spoke with a voice like Richard Horvitz when he commanded Trike to collect human brainstems on the assumption that humans contain a miniscule amount Furon DNA, and Furons are currently unable to propagate naturally, relying on cloning, due to overuse of nuclear weapons apparently.

Trike displayed a certain glee and glimmer of eagerness at the mere thought of wrecking havoc, destroying things, and, with a certain relish, at the possibility of humiliating the human population. He also had a penchant for alcohol, smoking, gambling, and other such qualities. His Furon mind possessed the power of telekinesis, cortex telepathy (but greatly inferior to Nyac telepathy), hypnotizing people, and, naturally, disguising himself as a human, called "Holobobbing".

He carried a rifle like weapon that appeared to discharge some sort of electrical or energy-based ammunition and his jetpack was clearly alien in design.

Anyway, Trike used his weapon to kill a homless man with a long, tangled beard and ratty clothing, collecting his brainstem, then "Holobobbing" him. It essentially means that he produced a psionically and, somehow, holographically projected the image atop himself so that the humans, or near-humans, would see him as the homeless man. Not only would they see him as the homeless man, they would hear him as the homeless man.

But he can't keep up a Holobob forever, though he could prolong it by cortex mind reading. Still, it wasn't something that could be managed forever. He managed to procure another two brainstems, whilst Holobobbing a thin man in a black, pinstriped suit. But, by his mind reading, Trike learned of a very interesting thing, something that may proven an obstacle to his, and the Furon, plans.

It was a place called a fore-um. . . . And there was a Nyac here. Somewhere.

This could prove to be a problem. One that he, Trike, would have to take care of before he he could collect sufficient brainstems for his mission. . . .

***

Cloak was deciding if he should use his ID mask to project his usual human form -- a bespectacled young adult human with black hair and dark eyes -- or remain appearing as he was. But then an announcement sounded.

Yarin was calling a meeting. Cloak wondered if it was related to what he had sensed, but reasoned that it would have been too much of a coincidence otherwise.

[guitarhero01234]

You know, I need to play Destroy All Humans one of these days. I actually haven't been able to find a copy of it. Like, ever.

*Goes back to GTA: San Andreas*

[Cloak]

Technically, I never played it. I am just spamming their wikia for research. The next chapter is going to be long.

New chapter.
 

CHAPTER FOUR:
Nyac-Furon Relations

"This," Yarin said, with a harsh edge to his voice only noticeable to but a few RAFians, "is a Furon."

He showed a the 3-D model of the creature in motion, and behaviors associated by the creature. Yarin tried to keep his voice even, but it was clear that he was holding back some hostile emotions toward the species.

"Furons are hairless greyish-blue humanoids with large eyes and large craniums. They have circles on the sides of their craniums (where human ears would normally be located) that glow with energy. All Furons have reflective eyes with no true eye color, three fingers with one thumb and the same foot size. The males have wrinkled skin, while the females have smooth, pale skin and lack the aforementioned light circles. Furons are noted for being small, frail creatures; they are easily reduced to paste when smacked into a wall. To make up for this lack of resilience, Furons have developed personal energy-shielding technology. Though they are not physically strong, Furon warriors are able to carry around very big guns with no trouble at all."

Yarin paused to compose himself, before doggedly, determinedly proceeding.

"Furons appear to share some characteristics with humans, such as being able to breathe oxygen. The Furon lifespan is supposedly about five hundred years, but they can clone themselves, so they are effectively immortal. Furon, their world's name, is a barren world. Water is scarce, and as such, Furons lack the ability to swim. It is possible there is frozen or even liquid water under the surface of their planet, though it can be speculated that alternative forms of life may be able to use ammonia or liquid methane as a solvent."

"Whatever," Sakki said, irreverently.

"Their society can be quite cruel. Most Furons are very xenophobic and think little of wiping out entire races, enslaving them, or using them as toys. The species-wide ability to read minds forces some Furons to always tell the truth if encountering another Furon. Yet, they are inferior to Nyac mental prowess."

"Like a certain Nyac's predilection for making biggifying microwaves?" Saffa teased.

Yarin continued, "The Furon population is split into different ranks. There are leaders, scientists, workers, and soldiers, though there's little biological difference between each group. Large heads are prized by the Furons and are seen as status symbols, possibly signifying brain power."

"Wow." Saffa said, legitimately surprised. "Really are serious about this."

Almost as if he didn't hear her, Yarin continued, "There tech is quite advanced, though most of their technological efforts are solely focused on military applications. The Furons are also very skilled in the field of biotechnology, though it's only used for modifying their own bodies by giving themselves stronger mental powers. Cloning is also an area the Furons have mastered, allowing them to clone themselves in order to attain immortality."

"Sorry, but what is the point of this info dump?" Cloak said. He didn't want Yarin to start elaborating on Furon hygiene next.

"There is a Furon here," Yarin said, "on planet."

"So, uh," GH said, "what's your beef with them?"

"They invaded Nya once," Yarin said, getting a bitter nostalgic glint his eye. Oh, yeah. It was gonna be a flashback.

***

The Furon Emperor was singing about the Nyacs:

"What can you expect from filthy little heathens?
Their whole disgusting race is like a curse!
Their hearts are liberally bled!
They're only good when dead!
They're vermin, as I said, and worse!"

The Furons assembled sang:

"They're savages!
Savages!"

The Furon Emperor sang:

"Not even Furon!"

The riled-up Furons sang:

"Savages! Savages!"

The Furon Emperor said:

"Drive them from our shore!
They're not like you and me, which means they must be evil.
We must sound the drums of war!"

The gathered Furons sang:

"They're savages!
Savages!
Dirty shrieking devils!"

Then all of the Furons sang:

"Now we sound the drums of war!"

Meanwhile, in the Nyac camp, the Nyac leader sang.

"This is what we feared.
The Furon is a demon.
The only thing they feel at all is greed."

Another, more wizened, Nyac sang:

"Beneath that wrinkly hide, there's emptiness inside."

The Nyacs sang:

"I wonder if they even bleed.
They're savages!
Savages!"

All the Nyacs sang:

"Not even Nyac!
Savages! Savages!"

The Nyac sang:

"Killers at the core."

The wizened Nyac sang:

"They're different from us,
which means they can't be trusted."

The Nyac leader sang:

"We must sound the drums of war."

The Nyacs sang:

"They're savages!
Savages!
Then we sound the drums of war."

The Furons sang:

"Savages! Savages!"

One Furon shouted "Let's go kill a few, men!"

The Nyacs sang:

"Savages! Savages!"

The Furon Emperor:

"Now it's up to you, men!"

All sang:

"Savages! Savages!
Not even Furon/Nyac!
Now we sound the drums of war!"

***

"How'd you know about the parts you weren't there for?" Saffa said.

"Shush!" GH said.

"Don't you shush me!"

"Enough, you two," Cloak said. "Let him finish."

[redtailedsaffa]

Ah, someone else has taken over the Wikipedia dump.

PDF of the last book:

[Cloak]

Well, it was only fair to give someone else an opportunity.

New chapter.
 

CHAPTER FIVE:
Briefing and Debriefing

Yarin went back to his flashback with little or no acknowledgement of the interlude. He remembered feeling conflicted about the impending war, and devised a way -- a possible, but untested device -- to stop it, when he sensed the two sides were about to clash.

The Furon Emperor sang:

"This will be the day."

Then he commanded, "Let's go, Furons!"

The Nyac leader said:

"This will be the morning."

His Nyac troops sang:

"We will see them dying in the dust."

Yarin sang:

"I don't know what I can do.
Still, I know I've got to try."

The Furons and their Emperor sang:

"Now we make them pay."

Yarin:

"Time for my feet to fly."

The Nyacs:

"Now without a warning."

Yarin:

"Time for help my heart to be be great."

The Nyac troops:

"Now we leave 'em blood and bone and rust."

Both the Furons and the Nyacs sang:

"It's them or us."

Yarin:

"Please don't let it be too late . . ."

The Furons and the Nyac troops sang:

"They're just a bunch of filthy, stinking . . ."

The Nyac troops sang:

"Savages!"

The Furons sang:

"Savages!"

"Demons!"

"Devils!"

The Furon Emperor roared, "Kill them!"

The Nyac troops:

"Savages!"

The Furons:

"Savages!"

The Furon Emperor and the Furons sang:

"What are we waiting for?!"

All, but Yarin, sang:

"Destroy their evil race until there's not a trace left!"

Yarin:

"How loud are the drums of the war?"

Everyone else sang:

"We will sound the drums of war! Savages! Savages!
Now we sound the drums of war! Savages! Savages!"

The Furons and the Nyacs sang:

"Now we see what comes of trying to be chums.
Now we sound the drums of . . . "

Yarin:

"Is this the death of all I love carried in the drumming of . . ."

Everyone sang:

"War!"

Then Yarin threw his circular device, which opened into a more octagonal shape, and a brillant white flash iluminated the area . . .

***

"And, after the big bang?" Saffa asked.

Yarin said, nothing, but stoically continued to detail the dangers of Furons.

"You're avoiding the question . . ." Saffa sighed.

"He knows," Cloak said, sure of this assessment.

"He's hiding something again? Like his microwave?"

Still no reaction from the Nyac. Saffa scowled.

"No," Cloak said, shrewdly, "no, I think it's more something that he he doesn't want to admit to himself."

Cloak suspected the device may have been responsible for the genetic instability of the Furons, but knew too little to say for sure.

***

Meanwhile, Trike the Furon had abandoned his Holobob of the suit-and-tie guy for one of an eight-year-old boy. The Holobob disguise had dark brown eyes, black hair, rosy cheeks, and thick black banana-shaped eyebrows. He wears a green bandana around his head. His skin is lightly tanned. He has an orange waistcoat (with a collar and both a purple line and each couple buttons on both sides) over his black ripped V-neck T-shirt with a white crossed lace on his neckline. He also sports a brown waistband, gold-colored trousers, and gray bucket-top boots with silver buckles and "L" insignias on the bucket tops. And he also Holobobbed the boy's wooden sword.

He used this disguise to collect another four brainstems, and literally "debrief" a guy. And he could use his disguise's apparent age as an excuse for such immaturity. He was having fun, so much si he nearly forgot about the presence of a Nyac on-planet.

[Cloak]

You know, Yarin will probably be angry with me because of this book . . . Then again, he said that all Nyacs are principally scientists by profession, so . . . what is science if not pushing the envelope?

New chapter.
 

CHAPTER SIX:
Mayhem and Maim 'Im

Following Yarin's spiel about the Furons and the evils of Furons, the RAFians recieved a report. Twelve humans have been either found dead or missing:

Seth Wiliams, a hospital patient. Missing.

Rick Rollins, an high-up muckety-muck at an auction house. Missing.

Vernon Logan, a man who was caught up in a bitterly nasty divorce and a battle of child custody. Missing.

Chase Samuels, a homeless man in a heavy, orange jumpsuit. Missing.

Bonnie Carson, a criminal woman infatuated with Clyde Robertson. Missing.

Andre Granger, a manipulative man who gets his jollies out of inciting anger and rage in others. Dead.

Clyde Robertson, a criminal man infatuated with Bonnie Carson. Missing.

Al Clement, a businessman in the field of computer and console gaming. Dead.

Paige Booker, a simple social worker. Missing.

Holly Halliwell, a stoic club owner. Wife of Wyatt Halliwell. Missing.

Jacob Cameron, a vivacious eight-year-old boy who liked dressing up as a pirate. Missing.

Wyatt Halliwell, a middle school English teacher. Missing.

It was quite the list, as Goom read it aloud -- Aquilai was too busy grousing and working on his TARDIS to care much. Ten disappearances, and two confirmed deaths. The RAFians were such old hands at this kind of thing by now, they knew at once something was up. And Yarin hit the nail on the head immediately.

"It's the Furon," he said at once, knowing he was right in his accusation. "It's trying to collect human brainstems."

"That doesn't make any sense," Saffa pointed out. "Why would the Furon do that?"

"I have already told you," the Nyac said, clearly anxious to move out, clearly eager to maim the Furon, which seemed to be a stark counterpoint to his usual benign personality. Cloak was a bit alarmed to see the kind of anxious anger and unbridled hostility in his eyes. Cloak actually knew something about that, something that, even now, he was trying to work through.

"You said that they think little of genocide, and that they have some characteristics similar to humans," Saffa countered. "Nothing about why they would want brainstems, much less human brainstems."

There was something almost . . . uneasy . . . in Yarin's eyes.

"They believe it to contain a small part of Furon DNA," he said, quickly.

"And just why," Cloak said, voice soft and silky, "do they believe that?"

"I don't like what you're inferring, Realm Walker."

"Then don't sidestep the question."

"I'm not sidestepping."

"Yes, you are."

"I am not!"

Cloak said nothing.

"I'm not!" the Nyac insisted.

Cloak continued his silence.

"I'm not!"

"True," Cloak said. "Now you're stalling."

"Fine!" Yarin spat angrily. "It wasn't my idea. It was the Nyac's highest command who decided to plant that little misconception into the Furons. We were tired of their occupation of Nya, and we couldn't eliminate them without doing irreparable damage to Nya. They are so much like that ****roaches on this planet."

"So you turned them on us," Saffa said, none too pleased. "First that damn microwave of yours, and now this. Yarin -- whose side are you really on?"

Yarin hid his hurt from the implication, but Cloak saw it.