Memoirs of a RAFian

[Cloak]

I'm not entirely sure what you mean, Saffa, but I'll try.

It is everyone but you, Abby, and Richard -- who didn't make through the portal in time. As far as the room, it's the aforementioned with Jombo and Helix, up until Jombo dismissed her.

New chapter.
 

CHAPTER FIVE:
Actors to Set! It's Nearly Showtime!

"What makes you think that?" Jombo said. "They are mine now. They are no longer your concern, Realm Walker."

"Give me that remote," Cloak said, disregarding how the Spineless One knew his species name when a vast majority of Realm Dwellers did not.

"You are in my world now, alien." Jombo said, with a veneer of oozy, oily confidence. "I make the rules here. You have no authority, no power here."

"You may know the name of my kind, o Spineless One," Cloak said, with slow fury. "But you make it very clear that you are still very ignorant of our capabilities. And you have no idea -- none -- what I am truly capable of!"

Realm Walkers like Cloak could be very prideful.

"You have no right to these Earthlings, or 'Earthers', if you prefer." Jombo said with practiced coolness. "You also have no right to be here, hear? So, go toddle off now."

"Oh, now he's done it," Underseen observed.

"RIGHTS?! YOU WANT TO TALK OF RIGHTS?!" Cloak exploded. As he did, his pwer level spiked dramatically, and the metal floor beneath them cracmed and writhed as the very air itself became uncomfortably agitated. But Cloak regained his composure before the elements could run rampent any further than that, by sheer force if will . . . and taking a couple of deep breaths. "What makes you have the right, Spineless Wonder? Hmm? What makes you think you have the right to kidnap innocent peoples from their world? They have done nothing . . ."

Then Cloak remembered something he had forgotten about the Spineless Ones' history and physiology.

"Oh, I see why you think you've the right, Jombo."  Cloak said, far calmer now. But his eyes were still narrowed in a reproachful glare. "But that still does not entitle you to kidnap any beings you deem worthwhile to be your slaves. Do you already have enough?"

"Oh, I have no interest in these beings as slaves, dear boy. Because, as you already stated, we have enough of those for the time being. We might even have a surplus, if there's been unauthorized breeding." Jombo said, conversationally. Cloak was finding this creature really rubbing him the wrong way. "No, I have other plans for these fine actors."

Cloak immediately caught his intent. "Give me that remote. Give it to me now."

The Realm Walker's demand was promptly ignored, and Jombo pointed it at the RAFians and clicked it. Pixelating domes appeared around each individual RAFian and when they dissipated they were gone.

"What?! What do you think --" Cloak said, his rage building.

"Ooh! Such chutzpah! Such moxie!" Jombo said, rather overselling it and hamming it up at the same time. "You don't need to leave at all! I have the perfect place for you!!"

"Oh, don't you even think --" Cloak began warningly.

ZAP!!

[redtailedsaffa]

They're in a TV?!

[Cloak]

Er, well, now we are. Mojoverse is still in the "real world", just an isolated and usually inaccessible area of the realm.

New chapter.
 

CHAPTER SIX:
Spectacular Slushie Man

"Livin' on the edge,
Fighting crimes,
Spinning slush webs.
Swingin' from the highest ledge.
He can leap above my head.
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
Villians on the rise
And the forum's near-demise.
Lookin' up with no surprise,
Arriving in nick of time.
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
Spectacular, spectacular Slushie Man.
Spectacular, spectacular Slushie Man.
Spectacular . . .
Spectacular, spectacular Slushie Man.
Spectacular, spectacular Slushie Man."

"What the . . . ?" Slushie Man said, dazed. He looked around and was very surprised to discover that he was hanging upside-down on a dribble of slushie that had a stronger tensile strength than a steel cable. He was pretty sure his abilities weren't capable of producing slushie that strong.

<<Something's wrong here . . .>> came the strangest voice. It was like audible sound and thought-speak at the same time, yet like neither at the same time. It was the zenith of odd.

Slushie Man climbed the string of slushie to its anchoring point, attempting to grasp what was happening. His memories seemed foggy at best. All he could recall with really any kind of accuracy were things that couldn't possibly be true.

<<What?! No!! This is boring!! We're going to lose viewership!>> the voice complained loudly, but only Slushie seemed aware of it.  <<What's going on?!>>

Who was this guy, anyway?

Slushie heard the sounds of a monster on a rampage and screeching police cars. He hesitated a bit, then he was so thoroughly confused at his hesitation. What was going on here? He was the good guy, right? He was the hero of this story, right?

<<Are the mnemonic inhibitors finally back online yet? And the personality overide chip? Now, don't sass me, you!>>  the voice said, clearly addressing someone else.

What was going on here? Seriously -- what was going on here?

A bellowing roar of a titanic beast which wiped the concerns from Slushie's mind for the moment. It was time for pointlessly flashy heroics.

[redtailedsaffa]

So now he's Spiderman.

[Cloak]

No, he's the RAFian Spider-Man. That identifier makes all the difference in the world.

New chapter.
 

CHAPTER SEVEN:
Where in the World Did Blue Go?

"Where is Blue, where did he go?
Where did he go!
Where on Earth can he be?
Tell me, where is Blue, where did he go?
Oh, where did he go?
Where on Earth can he be?
Where on Earth can he be?
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Sphinx, Mona Lisa,
Leaning Tower of Pisa,
Bronx Zoo, Timbuktu,
Can you help us find a clue?
Oh, where is Blue, where did he go?
Where did he go?
Where on Earth can he be?
Where on Earth can he be?"

On the last line, it showed Blue escaping the program's two heroes, though he was the eponymous character of the series. He was a master ninja, thereby a master thief and assassin. Granted, the last two really weren't by choice.

Wait a minute, none of this was by choice. While he was a ninja, he was most certainly not a thief.

<<What is it with this thing? The mnemonic inhibitor and the personality override just went offline again!! This never has happened before! Never!>>

That voice -- it was all sorts of weird.

Blue shooked his head, the voice was immaterial. He slunk to the shadows. His head throbbing. He was Blue. He was the head of Villains' International League of Evil -- V.I.L.E. -- and . . . no, wait, that wasn't right. He wasn't the head of any such organization. That was wrong. He was a member of an organization, though . . .

<<No! I will not calm down!>> the voice snarled testily, clearly not addressing Blue.

Blue blackflipped away from his spot. He nearly was captured by Ivan and Zoe, the heroes of this series. He was getting careless, he told himself as he tossed down a smoke pellet, and vanished away.

<<Where'd he go?! Where'd he go?!>> the voice shrieked. <<It's too early for that!! The show wil come up short in time!! Fix it! Fix it!!>>

[redtailedsaffa]

That is the worst evil organization name ever.

[Cloak]

Hey, I didn't come up with it.

New chapter.
 

CHAPTER EIGHT:
RAF Underground

"Triplets are born.
The forum awaits.
A seer warns of a deadly fate!
Give up your kiddies.
Separate.
Bide your time.
Lie in wait.
RAF Underground!
RAF Underground!
They made a vow that
Their mother will be found!
The young ones grow.
Learn what's right.
Leaders of the freedom fight!
They seek their mother.
She knows they do.
It is time if she only knew.
Will the prophecy come true?
RAF Underground.
RAF Underground!"

AniDragon stood, in a nondescript cloak, gazing at the dystopian mess that the world became after the Incursians' successful conquest of the planet. She is teary-eyed as she speak-sings:

"I long for my kids,
But I have to wait.
To act too soon
Could seal their fate!"

Then the camera or whatever was in charge of this image thing zoomed away from her as the rest of the title sequence continued.

"They made a vow their mother will be found.
RAF Underground!"

Then AniDragon blinked in a confused and perplexed manner. Why was she worrying about kids? She didn't have any kids. . . . Did she? This was very odd.

<<What?! NOOO!!! Not again!!>>

Okay, so that was odder.

<<I don't understand it! The mnemonic inhibitor and the personality override should be operating at peak efficiency! How could they possibly gotten so buggy?!>>

And so was that.

AniDragon held her head in her hands, as she began to have a throbbing headache, and a slight pain on her hand as a strange blue "R" glowed there painfully bright. She turned and dashed away, feeling the pain lessen.

<<Stop warning me that I'll break it, foolish woman! It already is! It won't work -- hey!! Hey!! Where are you going? Where do you think you're going? Go back here!>>

[redtailedsaffa]

I'm just trying to imagine AniDragon with kids now.

[Cloak]

I honestly do not know if she has any IRL or not.

New chapter.
 

CHAPTER NINE:
Faerie of Dares

"In another dimension, another time and space,
A parallel universe was fallin' on its face.
When out of the chaos, who else could it be,
But the mighty adventurers from R-A-F, see?
Faerie! Captain Faerie of dares!
Mutants and aliens and spores beware!
You're looking for adventure? Well, this is it,
With the indomitable faerie who will never quit!
I said, Faerie! Captain Faerie of dares!"

“And now, an update on Captain Faerie who dares and the Spore Wars!” said an Incursion televsion reporter.

"In the battle of the RAFverse, you don't know what's next,
You only know Mycelium have made it complex!
When you check out your scanner and the evil that it bodes,
There's only one course of action: Let's slay us some spore abodes!
Faerie! Captain Faerie of dare!
He goes where no ordinary RAFian would dare!
If your Righteous Indignation has suffered a hit,
And your photon accelerator's broken a bit,
And you're losing your mind, and you're having a fit,
Get the funky fresh faerie who can take care of it!
Faerie! Captain Faerie of dares!
You say Faerie? I said Faerie!
Faerie of dares!
Let's kill us some spore aboads!"

A brief episode title ("Mycelium Menace") appeared and vanished.

Faerie stood upon the bridge of the Righteous Indignation, taking a brief break from piloting it. She wore a blue uniform, with royal purple accenting. Usually a cape was part of the uniform, but she eschewed it for the comfort of her wings. She mused about the Mycelium menace a tad, before resuming her piloting duties.

<<Finally!! The mnemonic inhibitor and personality override are functioning perfectly a-->>

What was that? That voice.

<<Oh, crap.>>

It must have been a mind trick from the Mycelium. . . . But wait a minute. Something was wrong here. Faerie wasn't a captain of any legitimate sort. . . . She couldn't pilot spacecraft. . . . She didn't like firearms, as she preferred more personal weapons. But . . . hang on a moment . . . those things couldn't be true either.

<<Hmmm . . .>>

That stupid voice thing again!!

Faerie set the Righteous Indignation to adrift, as she clutched her head in her hands. This whole thing was given her an unholy migraine. She rubbed her temples -- augh! She didn't have time for this the Mycelium . . . the Mycelium . . . the Mycelium wasn't real.

<<Ratings are actually holding . . .>>

Ignore the voice. It's unimportant.

What if . . .what if none of this was real? What if she had been manipulated into believing . . . No one manipulates her. No one.

<<Hmmm . . . maybe I can use this to my advantage,>> the voice said, thoughtfully.

[Cloak]

Okay, currently planning through Book CDXV ("Brainiac's Touch"). And I have a few new book ideas.

• Book DCLXXXIX: "Nontrix" -- The RAFians come upon a beign creature who has no form of its own.
• Book DCXC: "Boyish Angst" -- A third Pantrix is made.
• Book DCXCI: "A Rather Skuzzi Theft" -- The Slimebiote, Skuzzi, returns taking three items of power for himself.
• Book DCXCII: "Joiners" -- The RAFians must deal with "Joiner" model exosuits.
• Book DCXCIII: "Return of the Pack Leader" -- An old enemy returns with a pack of Warwolves. He tries to discredit RAF, but isn't as skilled as he think he is.
• Book DCXCIV: "A Step Back" -- An anti-alien world leader is elected, and manages to push through some discriminatory legislation that deems all non-Terran-borne species as illegal immigrants.

Remember, all titles are libel to change.

New chapter.
 

CHAPTER TEN:
TARDIS Trio

The door to Aquilai's TARDIS opens, and he extends a welcoming hand to the viewer.

"Let's go, then," he said. This couldn't sound anymore seedy, but the show went with it. After all, an educational show has no time to deal with naggling little details like that.

"Go!
There they go,
Three kids surfing on the chronal continuum.
There they go!
Green mist fills the air,
The TARDIS can take them anywhere!
Go!
Go!
There they go,
Three kids transcending time
As a nine-to-five.
There they go,
You can catch a ride with the TARDIS Trio.
Go!
Traveling through history!
The TARDIS Trio.
Go!"

Aquilai took them as companions, more or less unaware of the potential creepiness factor in doing so. But, as he had no intention of harming them, this unseemly aspect of this could just be a product of the current hypersensitive time in which we live, where people are much too quick to jump to conclusions, regardless whether they have any basis in fact.

Aquilai showed them cavemen -- Cro-Magnon -- times. The Time Lord had to dispel the common fallacy that humans and dinosaurs had ever lived at the same time. The human species would have never -- in his opinion -- have evolved if dinosaurs coexisted with them. If they did, and survived as a species, chances were better that they would not be physiologically be the same today.

<<Hmmm . . . this seems to be going well. The ratings are low, though.>>

Aquilai blinked, but he then showed them buccaneer times, and gave a bunch of historical information in an entertaining manner. They seemed fascinated (but it could be because the script called for it), and Aquilai was laying down the law about piracy and things.

<<Educational shows can be boring, though,>> the voice said.

Aquilai looked around, perplexed. He was feeling ssomething was quite wrong. But he did not voice it. He looked at the kids -- the blonde one, the one with black hair and glasses, and the darker-skinned one. And he got a chill . . .

Aquilai slapped himself mentally, these were kids. They were twelve-year-olds. They weren't threats. They couldn't be. They just couldn't. . . .

<<Oh, not again!>>

Aquilai showed them the 1920s and laid down the law about the socioeconomic subjects of the area. Only now there was the slightest hesitation in his voice.

<<Doesn't matter, though.>> the voice said. <<I have him watched. Even if he goes against the script, at least I can be assured that the ratings will be good. My other players are there.>>

That couldn't be good.

[redtailedsaffa]

So he's the First Doctor now.

[Cloak]

Yeah . . . that was kinda of the inspiration.

New chapter.
 

CHAPTER ELEVEN:
Lovely RAFians

"Dashing and daring.
Courageous and caring.
Faithful and friendly,
With some much to share.
All through the RAFforest
They sing out in chorus
Marching along as the song fills the air!
Funny RAFians!
Posting here and there and everywhere.
High adventure that's beyond compare.
They are the lovely RAFians!
Magic and mystery
Are part of their history.
Along with the secret
Of lovey-dovey juice.
Their legend is growing
They take pride in knowing.
That they fight for what's right
No matter what they do.
Lovely RAFians!
Posting here and there and everywhere.
High adventure that's beyond compare.
They are the lovely RAFians!
They are the lovely RAFians!"

Enter a world that was thoroughly saccharine-saturated. Every single thing was overly and overtly sweet and nice and dandy. It was as if the show was coveringnup the lack of substance with much too many flashy colors and crappy effects.

This show would have a worse effect than Faerie in the Care Bears universe did (it was an incident involving an interdimensional depth charge -- but that's a whole another story). It was a pandering mess that passes itself off as a children show.

Gaz and Guy came prancing into view, completely and utterly out-of-character. Guy still possed his utility belt, which clashed horribly (and quite noticeably) with the environment. Yet still had it.

They stopped prancing immediately after they found themselves doing so, feeling a fool about it. They looked at their over-cheery place, and felt distinctly nauseated.

<<Wait a minute. That belt. It's completely wrong for this series. Ruins the aesthetic we're goin' for. Not to mention -- the kiddies may get ideas. Unauthorized ideas.>> the voice said. <<Besides, "Bob the Builder" has already cornered that market.>>

"You hear that?" Guy asked.

"The scenery or Jombo?" Gaz replied.

"How --"

"The colors are loud," Gaz sighed.

<<No, no, no,>> Jombo said, not addressing either RAFian. He was speaking to himself, which he considered the only intelligent conversation he can get. <<The belt clashes too much with the beautiful aesthetic we're going with. It will have to go. Wardrobe!!>>

"They're not taking my belt," Guy snarled.

Gaz was tempted to make a joke about a matching shoes with the belt, but decided against as being to contrived and not funny.

<<Wardrobe!! WARDRO -- Where is she?!>>

[redtailedsaffa]

I cannot even imagine RAFians in that setting.

[Cloak]

It happened once before, in "Intro Randomness".

New chapter, which I'll preface with acknowledgement that I am playing against type here. You'll see why if you read on.
 

CHAPTER TWELVE:
Parker Man

"Who's that guy?
What's his name?
Is he cool? Is he lame?
(Oh, you're talkin' about whatshisname.)
Parker Man, Parker Man!
Is he lame, is he cool?
Is he breaking every rule?
Is he everybody's fool?
Parker Man, Parker Man!
Parker Man, Parker Man!
Marchin' in his own parade,
Parker Man.
He's like one in a MILLION.
Parker Man, Parker Man.
Much too cool for ninth grade.
Catch him if you can.
Parker Man.
Parker Man, Parker Man.
Marchin' in his own parade.
Parker Man.
He's like one in a MILLION.
Parker Man, Parker Man.
Much too cool for ninth grade.
No one's cooler than Parker Man!
He's own biggest fan,
Parker Man!"

"This," Parker commented. "This, this right here, is so wrong on many different layers and issues."

He was somehow sitting at a cheap classroom desk/chair combination in full SPARTAN armor.  The armor -- its wearer -- should have caused the thing to buckle under the weight, at least. Granted, the Walker tech made the armor lighter aomehow, these were cheap desks. Age would have made them more brittle, the metal bits had a fair degree of rust already present.

The next glaring discrepancy was that Parker was obviously not a ninth-grader, obviously not fourteen or fifteen years old, but a grown man in a suit that claimed its own walking arsenal.

It was rather like a MAD or All That sketch.

It was also rather odd that Jombo had chose not to comment on this, on the utter ludicrous nature of this show's obvious discrepancy. He did not complain nor comment on it, it was as if he had more pressing priorities to attend to.

Parker didn't know this, however.

"Could have sent me into something like 'Iron Man' or 'Supernatural' or 'Smallville' or something," Parker groused in seething undertones. "But nooooooo . . ."

"Parker! Care to share?" said the teacher.

Parker considered pointing his dual fusion cannons at her, saying, "Some untimely death? Sure, I'll be glad to share." But that was far too dark for him, and he just settled for a semi-polite "no, ma'am".

[redtailedsaffa]

Jombo's voice didn't sound here?