GESB: OOC Discussion

[Luke Skywalker (Ossanlin)]

This place allows us all somewhere to be someone other than ourselves.  Someone we wish we could be, or would like to try to be.  That's part of the fun.  People like us (and I say us meaning you and I, and several of the others)...we've used our imaginations our entire lives to escape.  Admittedly a lot of us have a few more years doing it than you do, but believe me when I say we get it.  We don't any of us have the same problems, and I can't say I understand yours, but we all have similar results coming from different issues in our lives.

We're most of us outcasts irl.  And we always have been.  For me, I've been fat my entire life.  I still weigh 350 lbs now.  Admittedly I don't look it, but nevertheless it's true, and it's obvious that I'm obese, if not morbidly so.  People have been cruel to me my entire life for it, especially in middle school.  A fantasy world allows me to be someone or something else.  An escape from my reality.  I can do things here I'd never dare do irl.

I can be in a bedroom with another person, but it's difficult for me to 'perform.'  I basically have to take care of myself and pretend they're not there, and then they can 'finish me off' if I get myself close.  But it's a handicap...not to mention my meager endowment.  (Probably another thing that negatively impacts my self-image.)

Stuttering doesn't mean you're a 'moron.'  I can tell from your writing that you're not.  I, myself, am a bit slow-witted.  I have a hard time coming up with the words I want to say quickly, but having the time to think and compose my words properly helps.  And I know I'm not a moron, I scored a 30 on my ACT.  Graduated highschool with a cumulative 3.7 GPA.  I'm just not snappy.  I like to think things through before speaking.

And everyone's ugly in their own way.  It's just that somewhere along the line, whether it was genetics or just some random people, it got decided that one version of ugly was more desirable.  Substance is what really counts, and that's another reason we like the internet.  People get to know our true selves before they get to see us and make preformed judgements.

As for me, I pathologically fear rejection, so I just never put myself out there.  Someone has to make the effort with me, and I immediately give them my "laundry-list" of the things I find unattractive about myself, so that they can reject me right away or accept all of those things about me in spite of it all.  We're all damaged in some way.  And this time I don't mean just us, I mean the entire human race.

[guitarhero01234]

Dude, don't let your weight get you down so much. I know I'm definitely not one to talk about this, having issues with my own weight, albeit on the other end of the spectrum, but if other people are gonna be ****s to you about it, screw them, seriously. The only person that it should matter to is yourself. I know you said that you fear rejection, but if people aren't gonna accept you just because you're not a goddamn twig, they're not worth being around. As for the whole endowment thing, it's the same concept. It's something you can't even help, unless you go to some shady Russian website that may or may not steal your banking information Seriously, though, it takes a special kind of douchebag to rip on somebody for that.

My own body issues come mostly from being relatively unfit and having terribly unappealing body hair. Like I said, I'm really the last person to offer advice when it comes to body image, but it's something that's bugged me for a while. Being 6'1" and 140 pounds with practically no muscle mass cannot be healthy, I'm sure.

As for the moron thing, I hate to say it, but I'm really not all that smart. I'm good at faking it, but really, I know a decent amount about music, guitar repair, drugs, and computers, but other than that, I'm uneducated on pretty much every topic ever. That's where Google comes in handy

I guess what I'm trying to say is to try not to get too down on yourself. I know, it's a little hypocritical coming from me, who practically makes an art out of self-loathing, but from what I've seen, you seem like a really cool guy, and I'm sure that the others here would say the same thing.

[Luke Skywalker (Ossanlin)]

Well, that's the thing, my weight does matter to me, but food is my drug.  I medicate with it.  When I eat, I instantly feel better about my life and just everything.  And of course I hate exercise.  And about my endowment...no one has ever ripped on me for it, but nevertheless it's still a confidence killer.  I just don't even want to take my clothes off in front of anyone because I'm big everywhere except there.  I mean, I feel like I could have my own sideshow tent at a carnival.

Body hair...I have that too.  Back, stomach, chest, butt.  Pretty much everywhere.  Some people are into it though.  As for being so thin...I can't even imagine what to do about that...I mean people tell me to eat less, yeah...a lot easier to say than do.  So telling you to eat more seems silly.  It's very hard to change well-established eating habits.

Well you have excellent spelling, grammar, and convention usage.  You can't get that all from google.  Especially the grammar part of it.  That bespeaks at least general intelligence.  Not knowing about other subjects...well that's a little like knowing the conventions of a foreign language but having a limited vocabulary.  Honestly if you have the conventions down, the rest is less-important and comes with time.

It's hard not to.  Get down on myself I mean.  I appreciate your kind words though and would offer them in kind back to you.  Sounds like you're being way too hard on yourself.

[guitarhero01234]

In that case, I honestly don't know what to tell you. I have a few friends in real life who have problems with losing weight, and for them, it's mostly a motivation issue more than anything. And of course, you mentioned comfort eating, which adds another layer to it. I remember hearing a quote from somewhere - "I eat because I hurt, and I hurt because I eat," or something along those lines. You definitely have my support in that department, but I just wish I could offer something more substantial.

As for the body hair thing, it's more of an issue of having none in some places and way too much in others. I've considered waxing, but I've mentioned before, I'm ungodly lazy, and the nearest waxing spa is a half hour's drive away. No thanks People have told me to eat more, but a lot of times, it just isn't that easy. When I get really depressed, it's hard to even get up the energy to eat anything. Bipolar kind of kills any motivation to do anything in those cases.

Anyway, I think being too hard on ourselves is just a general problem with people in general. Being your own worst critic and all. I guess the best thing to do is to just work on the parts of yourself that you find unappealing and become the best version of yourself that you can. Of course, that's easier said than done.

[Luke Skywalker (Ossanlin)]

Hm...chronic laziness is a huge problem in my life.  And I mean that truthfully.  Some people laugh or think I'm kidding or joking...I'm not.  At all.  Being lazy has gotten me kicked out of college twice.  It's so damn frustrating, having the mental capacity to actually get some kind of high-level degree, but not being able to get there because I have no motivation.  It's become a giant handicap and has all but destroyed my hopes at getting anything more than a two-year college degree.  I don't know how to change it, and I don't have the motivation to look for a way to change it.  Sometimes I get myself up and going and it lasts a year or two, and then I just fall back down.  Eventually I reached the point where I just gave up.  I don't think about all the opportunities I've blown or all the problems in my life, because when I do, I get crazy anxiety and depression.

Wish I could find some way to work on myself.  But wishing doesn't get you anywhere unfortunately.

[guitarhero01234]

Trust me, I know that feeling. It was the exact same for me in high school, and it's why I didn't even finish a single semester of college. Hell, I can't even find the motivation to write enough songs for a demo, although that's equal parts laziness and complete incompetence when it comes to lyric writing. I don't even know what to do about it anymore, honestly.

[Luke Skywalker (Ossanlin)]

I can't do poetry, and hence could not do lyrics.  I can write creatively, but crafting verse? It's beyond me.  Well, perhaps not beyond me, but would take a lot more work than I"m willing to put into it.  I have a guitar, but surprise surprise, gave up before I"d learned more than a handful of chords because I"m...you guessed it...lazy.  At least it wasn't an expensive guitar.  Chinese strat (squier affinity)...like $150.

[guitarhero01234]

Actually, I had a Squier Strat that I tried to mod a while back. I think it might have been an Affinity, actually. Either way, I ended up kind of ****ing it up, although, the body was cracked to begin with. If you ever get the motivation, I'd recommend picking it up again. For me at least, guitar can be hella therapeutic, even though I'm not that great at it.

[Luke Skywalker (Ossanlin)]

Dude, it still has the original strings on it...I bought it like eight years ago.  XD  And I've no idea how to change strings, though my friend has offered to do it for me.  He's big into electric instruments and classic rock.  Not to mention I still nurse a tiny crush for him despite the fact that he's straight, married, and has two kids.  :p

[guitarhero01234]

That blows, man Still, you can take it to a Guitar Center or whatever you have locally and get it set up for relatively cheap. Actually, that's part of what I want to do for a living.

Anyway, it's reaaaaaally late and I'm reaaaaaaally tired, so I should probably get to bed here.

[Luke Skywalker (Ossanlin)]

I'm laying in bed as we speak.  :p

[Shenmue654]

Someone I know very well once called this place the "Game of Lies," and that's really no joke--- That's exactly what it is. I'm much more successful than when I was originally here, as just a depressed and anxious college student, but I could lose that in one wrong move at any time, and I know it. I come because this place is a mindless balm, a kind of aloe vera salve for my paranoia, using a character I know like the back of my hand and can just sort of...be, in.

Although in his case I suspect the wish fulfillment has more to do with his ability to say whatever he wants confidently than with wanting to be anything like him.

[Luke Skywalker (Ossanlin)]

Someone you know quite well indeed.    And an apt metaphor.

[Shenmue654]

I'm gonna go to bed now, but....<3 This has been fun. If you respond, I'll get to it tomorrow morning. :}

[Luke Skywalker (Ossanlin)]

No prob, you guys.  Take it easy and rest well.  ^^