Fanfiction Comments and Feedback

[NateSean]

Thank you Phoenix. I'm going to finish Chapter Three and then go back to working on my vampire novel. This will be my writer's block stretch for now.
Post Merged: December 14, 2010, 12:10:22 PM
Post Merged: December 14, 2010, 12:48:29 PMInitial Thoughts:

Self insertions are nothing new. All fanfiction is a self insertion, no matter how you cut it. Even if you're not introducing a new character to the story. Even if it was just a story about the Animorphs themselves, you're still inserting your own sensibilities and your own ideas of what the characters would and wouldn't do. Even those authors who get paid to write movie and TV tie-ins are basically writing self-insertion fanficiton of some kind.

So, there's certainly nothing wrong with inserting yourself here.

There's a very nice blend of reality and fiction here that you maintain throughout this book. Your character Mike, while essentially being given this bolt from Olympus, has surprisingly real reactions to being thrust into this situation.

I like how he believes he could do everything differently, when in fact the opposite seems to happen. Not only do events unfold much the same way they happened in the books. But the fact that Mike is bound to the Ellemist's terms as well the all of the rules of the Animorphs Universe is unique and keeps him from becoming a Mary Sue of sorts. The fact that the Animorphs suspect things about him shows that you know the characters well and understand their intelligence.

I know you wrote this long ago and there are some things I would offer in terms of advice. Take it with a grain of salt.

A few times, when the Animorphs are speaking, you have them speaking with English grammar. Mum instead of mom, for example. It's only a technical thing and by now you've probably heard the criticsm before. I just think that since we know your character is English, you could show the contrast between them by remembering American terminology with their characters.

The comedy of the differences between us Yanks and you Brits has made for some very interesting moments in comedy and drama and I think this is something you could explore more.

Also, when Mike acquires the Harrison hawk, "you" explain to the reader that Harrison Hawks are used by bird trainers. Then when Tobias asks Mike how he got a bird morph, Mike stumbles and falters. Now, as character development, I could actually see this as a good thing. It means that Mike is still human and not a Mary Sue as I said before. He's prone to mistakes just like the others.

But, if Mike knows Harrison hawks and how they fit into culture, he could have easily told Tobias, "There was this guy in the park training his hawk for a show and I asked if I could pet him."? Or something like that. Otherwise it works in the context of Mike's character development.

I'll be reading the next book shortly.

[Phoenix004]

Cool, I look forward to reading more of your Vampire story (assuming you are still willing to post more of it).

Thank you for the in-depth review of my fic, it's rare that a get a detailed response so I really appreciate it. There are parts of this first fic that genuinely make me cringe when I read them, mainly because I was 13 when I first started this fic and some of my ideas seem ridiculous now. Sadly these tend to be things that would require a re-write to get rid of.

The Harris Hawk thing is a classic example of this. At the time I thought it sounded cool having the Ellimist provide his first morph, especially since the bird morph I wanted doesn't live in that part of America. In hindsight, your suggestion of meeting a bird handler is far simpler and more plausible than the Ellimist giving him help. In fact, if I ever do edit this fic properly, I might just use that idea, so thank you for mentioning it.

I'm aware that self-insertions aren't even slightly original (something I didn't know when I was 13) but like you said all fiction is that way to some extent. At least in my case there's no pretence: it's supposed to be me in the story. Literally.

The limitations imposed on Mike by the Ellimist are one of the few parts of the story I'm still proud of, as they limit drastic change to the story. It also fits better with the way the Ellimist works; small subtle changes leading to bigger ones down the line.

However, I'm less impressed with my idea of Mike being able to morph extinct creatures for no apparent reason. At the time I just figured Mike would acquire them from fossils, but obviously that makes no sense. Even if he had access to the necessary DNA, we know animals have to be alive in order to acquire them. I would just remove this idea entirely, but it's actually part of a couple of important plot developments I have in mind for later on.

Mike could have told Tobias a more convincing story, but he was caught off guard and it's a handy excuse for making Tobias suspicious (since I planned on everyone confronting Mike at the end).

It never really occurred to me to alternate between mum and mom, since I'm the one writing it and I spell it the British way (A.K.A. the correct way, lol). The British/America humour is something that plays more of a role in later fics, in fact it's already been mentioned in the sequel in an exchange with Marco.

Thanks again for your comments Sean. Hopefully I'll find time to work on the sequel more soon.

[NateSean]

Review of Book 2: The Message

Good start so far. I agree with your decision to skip two and three altogether, especially if you had nothing of your own to really add to it. Since The Encounter was largely a Tobias development book, seeing it from the others' point of view would have been superfluous.

I think you've got a very realistic idea of what would happen if there was a sixth Animorph from the beginning. Even without the Ellemist's intervention, you make it believable that the events would have unfolded the way they did. Although I do have to ask how you plan to handle Marco's story, since the Dolphin thing is no longer a straw on the Camel's back. Will "Mike" try to stear them clear of the ant morph and suggest a safer way into the house? How will Marco deal with the fact that Mike knew all along about his mother?

Some criticisms. Take it with a grain of salt. I know you wrote the first one a ways back and I'm not entirely sure when you wrote book two. But since you mentioned possibly ediiting it, here are some things to consider.

In the time Animorphs was first written, IE 1998, Nintendo Wi didn't exist and the first X-Box just barely came out. Remember, Marco was challenging his dad to Doom. Doom was the height of computer gaming in 1998 and I remember Duke Nukem and Blood 2 following shortly after.

One thing that stuck out to me is as Mike is acquiring the dolphin, pretty much his entire internal monologue about the dolphins is very similar to Cassie's in the original book. You kind of did the same thing when they encounter the sharks. Now, I know most of the Animorphs would have basically said the same thing. When it comes to describing the animals there's not a lot of variation in the opinions on animals.

I guess the thing I would suggest there is to try to keep as much of your own voice as possible. It's okay if you believe Dolphins are intelligent as well, but different world views are going to make different versions of the same opinion.

Anyway, sorry if that's not nearly as in depth as the first one, but I'll give you more if you ever get around to finishing the story. I liked the Ax bit as it shows you read Megamorphs Four and you managed to squeeze a little continuity into the storyline.

[Phoenix004]

Thanks again for the review Sean, I really appreciate it. Always nice to know people are still reading my work, even though I haven't updated in ages.

Naturally I don't want to give away spoilers, but there's a good chance I will skip #5. I'm thinking of showing the end of it (as Visser One is plot relevant) and then going straight to #6 *(which I'm really looking forward to writing). However, I'm still uncertain regarding the Ant incident. If I decide to change it, I will write about it.

My second fic was started... wow, 2 years ago? Bit longer than I thought, but still recent compared to my first (started 2003). Anyway, I have mentioned the technology thing before, and decided to alter the timeline slightly to allow certain technology to be around. Aside from certain games consoles, this shouldn't really affect the plot of my fics, as due to the morphing power I don't see the Animorphs carrying mobile phones on missions.

I realise that me talking about Dolphins is quite similar to Cassie's monologue, despite not being intentional. Each of the Animorphs has a personality trait I share. In Cassie's case, it's her love of animals. I work with animals and love telling random facts about them, so if I rant about animals in my fics, I assure you it's my voice not Cassie's.

Due to being busy this month, I've had trouble finding time to work on this, but I'm still hoping to have another chapter up soon. Thanks again for the review. I'm about to go out but when I get back I'll review you fic properly.

[Gumby]

If anyone don't mind, could someone possibly give me some feedback on The Continuation? It's on page 2, haven't looked at it in awhile.

[NateSean]

I wasn't sure if you'd want the review here or in your thread, so this is where I decided to post it for now.

In the year 2015, eighteen years after the renowned invasion of earth and the brave group of teenagers called the Animorphs who thwarted their attempts, humanity had improved greatly. Countries across the globe now knew of a threat bigger than anything they had ever thought possible. Just because the yeerks had been pushed back once didn’t mean they wouldn’t attack again to claim the wealth of human host bodies.

This could be a very good start. But the first sentence needs a bit of rewording. Even in fanfiction, it's a good idea to read the sentence outloud to yourself to hear how it would sound if you spoke it.

In the year 2015, eighteen years after the renowned invasion of earth and the brave group of teenagers called the Animorphs who thwarted their attempts,[i/] --Did what? You attempted to allude to the events of the series but you sort of stopped mid sentence and then added something completely different.-- humanity had improved greatly.

You may also want to clarify some things. First you say that it was the year 2015 that things improved greatly. But the construction of the fleet began in 2005. And in what ways did humanity improve? Did we stop fighting each other? Did our interaction with the Andalites and the freed Hork-Bajir make us a better race over all? Or did we simply improve technologically?

Since we see the Andalite fleet in this chapter, is it the Andalites who propose that the Yeerks are still a threat? Is it simple punishment, the way Germany was forced to pay damages in World War 1 and 2 or are the Yeerks genuinely a threat to humanity?

It's okay if you're writing the story based on what you believe would happen. But as a writer, you want to give your characters good reasons to come to these conclusions on their own, otherwise it sounds like you're just preaching. The best example that comes to mind here is L. Ron Hubbard's Battlefield Earth.

After the initial steps to take back the planet, Johnny Taylor and the other humans go to Africa. And the Africans are portrayed as being primitive, amoral savages who are easily duped by Terryl in his bid to be free of them. Basically, it's Hubbard's opinion of Africa. There's no reason to believe they would become any worse off than the rest of the world, but it's clear from how he portrays the "civilized" countries that this is what he believed.

Don't know if that makes much sense.

So in 2005 the United Nations dissolved into the Earth Space Command. This organization was more or less like the United Nations, but more focused on humanities stellar presence. They started construction of warships, and scavenging captured yeerk dracon beams to create their own weapons. In the year 2012, the ESC declared war on the Yeerk Empire and was committed to wiping them out.

Humanities should be "humanity's" in this sentence.

On the matter of the declaration of war, again, I have to ask why? Is it simple Occupation? Is it like the Americans occupying Japan after bombing Pearl Harbor? Are the Yeerks on Earth, who accepted permanent morphs, being punished or interred? Did the Yeerk Empire make another strike against Earth that provoked the war or are the humans following suit with the Andalites? Are they trying to prove their clout to the Andalites by picking on the lesser of two evils?

Maybe this isn't about the Yeerks, but about the Andalites themselves. That could make for a very interesting plot turn if it turned out that humans were simply trying to show off their weaponry.

<Report> The Tactical Officer, or TO responded.

This comes up quite a bit throughout the story. You present good punctuation, but you forget to end sentences correctly. The thought-speak bracket is the equivalent of quotations for voiced speech. There should always be a comma or a period.

<Captain, the Elfangor says they will here in another seventeen point 0391 minutes> The captain pondered this data.

This is another one that creeps up throughout the story. One person will be speaking but you will refer to an entirely different person. This can get confusing after awhile as we begin to wonder just who we're supposed to be paying attention too.

An example of a better way to do this would be:

<Report!>  We know the Captain is speaking here. New Paragraph to change our attention to the TO.

<Captain, the Elfangor says they will here in another seventeen point 0391 minutes,> The Tactical Officer (TO) responded.

<Good, good.> The captain replied, thoughtfully. <Then we shall commence the attack in another twenty minutes. Inform the fleet. Begin final preparations for combat.>

See how the story flows better when you know who is speaking?

Aboard the ESC Cruiser Enterprise, Private Jared Miles sat in his bunk,

This is where the story should really have begun, in my opinion. You start out trying to do what I like to call an "info dump". The magic of The Animorphs Series to me has always been that we don't know anything the main narrator doesn't know. And through their eyes we learn a little bit more about the universe with each step.

I mean, tell me you didn't have a new respect for the Yeerks when you saw Esplin 9466 take his first host. As we see it through his eyes we understood the Yeerk Empire a little bit more.

Similarly, Private Jared Miles should be introducing us to the world. We should be seeing the current state of things through his eyes and from there the story of the universe and what has been happening since the events of fifty-four will begin to unfold.

Anyhow, I'll read some more later in the week. I hope this helps somewhat.

[Darth Zakryn]

Pretty good story. Still, I would prefer if you had Mike making INDIRECT suggestions, like when Marco wants to leave, Mike tells him he knows what he's thinking and tells him to stay and that he'll find out soon, something like that, cryptic but not altogether revealing. BTW would you like to check my and Aldrea's Animorphs/Terminator/Harry Potter crossover?

[Gumby]

Thanks for the feedback! Yeah, I really rushed through that begining intro, I wanted to start writing the actual story, anyway I've re-written the introduction and I'll go post it now.

I'l definitely be modifying this more later, since this was written during another stage of my writing development I've gotten better since then.

[NateSean]

Great new chapter. The added bit of Mike searching for something useful in the cargo area is a sign that you're trying to make the story your own and not just a clone of the original book. I can't remember, did they go searching for blankets in The Message? I'll have to read that again.

It was heavy, but I could just about handle it without accidentally breaking something (eg. like my wrist).

That last bit could be done without the parenthesis I think. It's not a huge deal either way, but it stands out to me.

I'm eagerly awaiting Mike's meeting of Ax here and seeing how you're going to handle that bit.

[Phoenix004]

Thanks for the review Sean. No they didn't try to explore the ship at all in the book, which is exactly why I had Mike do it. It's difficult for the early book trying to make the story my own without radically altering the outcome, which I will be doing more later on. Basically I'm trying to imagine what I would do in the situations they find themselves in and using that to change the story and hopefully make it more interesting and original.

I'm also looking forward to introducing Ax. I already have some ideas in mind for what's going to happen when they meet and Mike tries to explain his unique situation.

[Darth Zakryn]

So when are you going to make some major changes? Around what books?

[Phoenix004]

That would be telling now wouldn't it?

[NateSean]

I thought I'd answer this here. Gafrash asked me if I was a Chee fan, in regards to my use of the Chee in Chronicles of Sean.

I definitely like the idea of the Chee. And I think there was a lot of undeveloped potential as far using them as characters go. But mostly I used the Chee because I needed an original way to kind of jump Sean into the Animorphs universe.

In Animorphs fanfiction, either the "new Animoprh" was helped by the Ellemist somehow, or was in the construction site with the original gang, or the story is bacially a clone of The Invasion with new kids who are basically clones of the Animorphs (including one "Animorph" that gets inexplicably trapped for whatever reason) and an equally cloned Elfangor character who was on the same ship and happens to have a morphing cube on him. (They had a big bowl of morphing cubes on the ship with a sign that said take one. That's why Elfangor had his apparently)

So I figure, Sean. He gets his morphing ability in an equally convoluted way, by literally tripping and falling on it. But it's still something I haven't seen. So if he gets this power that he doesn't even know about, what's to stop the Yeerks from also tripping and falling on them? Bring in the Chee.

The idea for Bryce and his family had been in my head literally since high school. Only when I wrote fanfiction in those days, it was the Ellemist who gave them to me...er, my character. Like I said though, fanfictions like that were a dime a dozen and the Chee were honestly the only angle I had for this time around. And it gave me a chance to explore some of the aspects of the Chee that I felt KA and the Ghost Writers could have touched on.

[Gafrash]

I think it was a good choice, NateSean. The Chee weren't that well expanded on throughout the series beyond a handful of books. We only get a sense of them via Erek, Mr. King, Lourdes, etc... but we were also made to believe that there were more, all over the globe. And we all know the Chee have infiltrated the Yeerks via The Sharing.

It's great to explore ways in which they could have been more active in defending Earth from the Yeerk threat. Fits in to what you use to support your theories (ref. to the Anis morphing in the open and not being spotted, the Blue Cube not being found...). Other times it seems like they are too powerful-know-it-all (ref. to knowing e-x-a-c-t-l-y where the 3 actual Andalite survivors were).

I look forward to seeing how you will link things like the Pemalite crystal, Planet Iskoort, Snoop dog ship and so on.

[NateSean]

Oh, I realized when I saw where I wanted to take The Complication that Sean wouldn't be getting his battle morph just yet. His situation is about to get more complicated though and Bryce will become a major focus of the forth edition to the series.