Okay. I wrote some notes (I haven't finished it yet, I'm on page 76.) Generally it's awesome, but you need to reread it and think: could I improve this, keeping in mind that I'm writing a movie not a book.
Jake puts his hand on Tobias’s shoulder and they start
towards the door - Might be better if Jake nods at him and walks away. I think the hand on the shoulder thing is too friendly.
Have another look at the dialogue when they're going to go into the construction site. I feel like Marco should be pushing to go, and everyone else is reluctant. Right now it seems like they all don't want to do it, but they do it anyway for no reason.
I feel like a lot of the narration can be cut. This especially can go. Tell that visually.
"The construction site was a totally
deserted place, full of shadows and
sounds…"
RACHEL
It isn’t very big, is it?
JAKE
It’s about
(pauses to think)
about three or four times as big as
our minivan
Totally unnecessary in the screenplay.
ALL KIDS
Hi
Much better to have Tobias say hi. I can't visualise a good way to have all of them say hi without it looking dweeby.
The alien pauses, unsure of how to explain. Then he closes
his eyes and concentrates. The kids see a VISION from him of
a grey-green slimy slug-like creature, about 3 to 4 inches
long. The vision disappears
Lets have that as a hologram. Works better visually.
In fact… I feel El Fangor's stuff is way too wordy. Could we SHOW the battle, just before we see the kids? Might make an awesome opener, and it would cut down his chatting.
The cube shimmers a tiny bit and each kid receives a small,
but unpainful, shock.
Tell me how you want to show this.
JAKE (V.O.)
(thinking)
Tobias, can you hear me?
Take that out. It's confusing for the audio to be used for Voice over, Thought speak AND normal thinking. The scene works fine without it.
JAKE (V.O.)
(thinking)
Focus, Jake. Focus!
He begins to calm down.
JAKE (V.O.)
(thinking)
Let go of the smells. Let go of the
sound of a dog out in your yard.
Ditto for that bit. Better without it.
it’s not like we’re deciding
whether to wear jeans or a skirt
that is an inappropriate metaphor for cassie. She would ALWAYS go with the jeans!
Jake swings his fist and hits Marco on the side of his head.
Marco jumps back and Jake swings again. Marco dodges, and
Jake slips and falls down. Marco snatches the bedspread off
Jake’s bed, throws it over him, tangles up his arms, and
sits down on him
Can we put some blood in that bit? I feel like it is a pretty intense moment, and Marco having a small bleeding nose would sell it better.
While Tobias talks, we see him as a hawk flying high in the
sky
You play a lot of video games? That just feels like video game writing to me. Lets cut it.
JAKE
(angry again)
Don’t make me hurt you. Tom is not
a Controller
How about we just cut to a pissed off Jake shooting Marco a dirty look. Says more in less words.
In general, can we change location more often? It would be a little bit boring to watch because theree is pages and pages of dialogue in the same place.
Split screen's aren't really used in feature films.
Do we need Tom to invite them to the Sharing meeting? I feel like we should go from: Okay, lets check out a meeting to BOOM the meeting on the beach.
"Over behind that lifeguard
stand."
Delete that. It's unnecessary.
JAKE (V.O.)
(thinking)
Whoa, Jake, this is not what you’re
supposed to be doing. Stop it
Again, delete the thinking.
With the sharing meeting, I would cut from "we need to make him one of our own, or kill him," straight to jake running away, demorphing. Have him cry and maybe Cassie comes to comfort him. That would be a nice intimate moment.
