Author Topic: Book #55- Constructive Criticism please...  (Read 1181 times)

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Offline TheFearlessLeader

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Book #55- Constructive Criticism please...
« on: January 23, 2010, 11:48:18 AM »
Hello. I have begun writing what I believe book 55 should be like.

It is not a work of art by any means, nor do I expect to get it published any time soon.

I simply would like other fans who appreciate the books as much as me to read the first chapter and a half and let me know what they think.

If you like it, I will continue posting the story on here as it progresses.

If you hate it, I will continue writing it in the privacy of my own home.

Either way, I don't mind. I would definitely like opinions and ideas though. Maybe your ideas will make it in to my final draft.

Here is the first rough draft.....


Chapter 1

“Ram the blade ship”….

The words had come out so quickly, I didn’t even have time to process what I was thinking. The One had known everything about me and the others. He was waiting for us. We would become a part of his entity. And yet, I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t questioning my decision. It felt as though what I was doing was entirely right. The only option, in fact.

BOOM! BOOOM! BOOOOOOM!

As we neared the ship, we heard loud noises and saw bright white flashes, as if we were in the middle of an explosion. I hadn’t yet figured it out, but Marco had. He was always a few steps ahead of me.

“The Ellimist,” he said calmly.

Suddenly, everything stopped. I had seen this too many times before. I knew what was coming next. An explanation of how there are always two options. One that lets evil succeed and one that gives the good guys the victory. We needed to figure out which option was the right one and the Ellimist was here to “not” tell us how to get out of this situation alive.

I AM HERE TO HELP YOU JAKE, LEADER OF THE ANIMORPHS.

The Ellimist laughed and it sounded like nothing we’ve ever heard from him before.

“How do you want to help us this time, Ellimist?” I asked. Again, Marco had been thinking ahead of me.

“Wait, you can’t directly help us and you’ve never told us that you were here to ‘help’. Which means one of two things has happened. 1) You are losing the fight against Crayak and have decided to break the rules of your game to gain an advantage. 2) The rules of your game have changed and we are not going to like why you are here.”

YOU ARE CORRECT, YOUNG MARCO. THE RULES HAVE CHANGED. MY NEMISIS CRAYAK AND I HAVE DECIDED TO ALLOW A BIT MORE DIRECT INFLUENCE INTO THE GAME. YOU SEE, NEITHER OF US COULD POSSIBLY WIN IF WE ONLY EVER MADE SLIGHT CHANGES TO THE PLAYING FIELD. WE BOTH GREW TIRED OF WATCHING THE ULTIMATE STALEMATE TAKE PLACE. HIS IDEA TO CREATE “THE ONE” WAS BRILLIANT. EVEN I DIDN’T SEE IT COMING. HOWEVER, HE MADE THE FIRST MOVE AND NOW IT IS MY TURN TO MAKE A COUNTER-MOVE…






Chapter 2


“Little brother, you've got to know by now: Wars aren't won with clean hands."

WHAT!?!? This couldn’t be happening! I was back in the Taxxon cave, staring at Tom, my older brother who was infested by an evil Yeerk slug.

The others were with me too, even Rachel. Oh! Rachel! How many times had I cried myself to sleep for ordering her to kill my brother on a suicide mission? She looked so alive now. Screaming at Tom with all her fury, the fury of the Animorph spirit!

But, this was impossible! Well, I guess not for the Ellimist. This was his way of “changing” the game he played with Crayak. We were being given another chance. Or, at least I had been given another chance to make things right. And I knew exactly how I would do that.

“Calm down Rachel,” I said as politely as I could, “Ax. I want you to keep your tail blade on Tom’s throat. If he tries to morph or run away, twitch your tail and end him.”

Then, to the Yeerk in Tom's head I said, “We are going to wait three days with you as our captive. You will die of Kandrona starvation, unless you chose to end the suffering before the three days is up. All you have to do is leave my brother’s body and I will let you live. We will find a Kandrona supply and allow you to live off it until the war is over.”

I knew what I was doing. I was saving my brother and my cousin all in one day.





OK LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK!!
I went to the window and looked up at the stars. Somewhere up there, around one of those
cold, twinkling stars, was the Andalite home world. Somewhere up there was . . . hope.

<They'll come,> Tobias said. <The Andalites will come. And until then . . . >

I nodded and wiped away my tears. "Yeah," I said. "Until then, we fight."

Offline ThinkAgain

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Re: Book #55- Constructive Criticism please...
« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2010, 01:20:06 PM »
I'm pretty sure that this should go under fan-fiction...

I'd like to say that I find it as a funny use of a dues ex machina to completely change the ending of #54. Either way, I'd like to see what you make of it. I think it's common for humans to wonder what they would do different given the opportunity to go back in time, and seeing Jake's responses could be interesting. However, the structure of the Crayak's and Ellimist's game is incorrectly warped - the purpose is not to win, but rather to temporarily gain the upper hand. Last time they used direct influence, they nearly ended galaxies.

What does it mean to be free?

Offline Gumby

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Re: Book #55- Constructive Criticism please...
« Reply #2 on: January 23, 2010, 01:21:37 PM »
Please continue, this is getting good.
"Now I can't speak for everyone; at least not until 'The Device' is completed."

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Offline TheFearlessLeader

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Re: Book #55- Constructive Criticism please...
« Reply #3 on: January 23, 2010, 01:39:27 PM »
Thanks for the replies! I will continue working when I have more time. Sorry for the delay, I'd like to have at least half of the book completed before I post an update. And if you feel I should, I will put it in fan fiction forum.

In response to the Ellimist/Crayak game being warped, I will certainly consider that. I hadn't thought enough about it before I started writing that.

Although, the premise of going back in time is not a new one. Well, sort of it is, but the Time Matrix book, along with the book of the alternate world that existed when Jake said  "Crayak, please" would lead me to believe that the idea of my "book" is completely likely.

There is foreshadowing in the 3rd (or 4th) Megamorphs book as well. Drode says "Crayak will have him yet". And the Ellimist says "Maybe he will have Crayak."

That is where I base the decision to write the story this ay from.
I went to the window and looked up at the stars. Somewhere up there, around one of those
cold, twinkling stars, was the Andalite home world. Somewhere up there was . . . hope.

<They'll come,> Tobias said. <The Andalites will come. And until then . . . >

I nodded and wiped away my tears. "Yeah," I said. "Until then, we fight."