The Times and Life of Eric the Strange!
I had no idea how greatly that one simple action would affect my life. If I had, I probably wouldn't have done it. You see, I'm not particularly bold. No one around me has ever said, “Hey, there goes Eric, that's one bold fellow,” and they likely never will. Of course, even the most imaginative and superstitious person probably wouldn't have assumed that things would turn out the way they did. I mean, who expects to be cursed in such a way that the world will forever know you as Eric The Strange? I guess that's what happens when you steal from a gypsy. Even if it is just a Jelly doughnut.
It all happened the day before summer vacation started. I was just regular Eric back then. Happy to be just-regular-Eric, really. I was not so happily strolling home from my Not so fabulous school. I think it was safe to say at that point that the airplane that was my Fourteen year old life was in a plummeting nose dive from which there was no return. Not just a regular nose dive either, but an oh-my-god-the-captain-decided-to-hang-himself-with-a-tie-while-flying nose dive.
You see, Alicia Keys had rejected me. Not Alicia keys the singer, though she was talented enough to be a star. Not Alicia Keys the business woman, though she had the intelligence of Stephen Hawking, Einstein, and Leonardo Da'vinci all rolled into one. No, no, no, none of these women could compare to the Alicia Keys. Sixteen and popular. The prettiest girl in school, really. She had haunted my dreams since grade Six, when she had made me a hand crafted valentine for the valentines day party. It hadn't mattered to me in the slightest that she had made one for everyone. I was hooked.
So, you see, it was in this dismal frame of mind that I made the decision to walk through Shady Tree park. There was nothing highly unusual about this. I strolled through the park on most of my bad days, which seemed to be getting more and more frequent since my best friend had moved away. Ah how I missed that guy!
The day he moved away , he had told me, “Now it is left to you to combat the slip and slide.” At the time I thought he meant the water toy, but then I realized that that was totally wrong, completely incoherent, and either way made no sense.
Anyway, back to Shady Tree park and the geese. The Geese, with all their honking and hissing, really helped to calm me down on the days that I felt bad. I didn't know why at the time, but I just really loved Geese, and not so much all of the geese as much as one in particular. A skinny weird one that seemed to be awkward around all the other geese.
I would often chase this skinny weird goose through the park, screaming “Take no prisoners,” at the top of my lungs. I suspect this (and my crippling phobia of social interaction) is why Alicia had rejected me, though I made sure that none of my school mates were around before terrorizing The Goose. Occasionally, after I had chased the goose around the park, when we were both exhausted and panting, I would buy the poor bird a Jelly doughnut from the pastry cart that often peddled in the park.
After I had spent nearly an hour chasing and stalking the poor bird, and Seeing as how I had terrorized the poor Avian to the point of having the bird equivalent of a heart attack, it was only right that I try to make up for it. “I'll be back shortly,” I told the bird. It thanked me with a hiss. I decided to make a foray into the dangerous territory of Shamus The Doughnut Vendor. I saw it as a fitting reward for my special friend, in exchange for his unsurpassed therapy skills. After all, who else could have assisted me in getting over Alicia? Dear sweet Alicia.
Shamus always told everyone that he was a half mad Irishman, Though why he would say such a thing was beyond the understanding of all who knew him. Shamus came from Scotland.
The part of the park that I called 'Shamus's Terriroty' was actually a little, teeny tiny valley, with hills on all sides, forming the world's shallowest bowl. Sort of as if mother nature had claimed Shady Tree park as her breakfast nook.
As I approached the Pastry cart, I noticed two others already buying from the scowling Scotsman. A woman and a man. The man quickly departed, happy with his purchase, and already munching on whatever item he had bought. The lady however, was not so pleased.
I took my place at the pastry cart behind the woman and, because I had always had so few friends, tuned into my favorite form of entertainment; listening to other people complain about theirs. Of course, the woman in front of me was not talking about friends, nothing even close, she was talking about the missing link in the pastry carts products; Bear Claws.
“I just don't understand what is so hard about this,” the woman snarled. She was wearing a familiar outfit, and I soon realized who she was: Madame Alimony. “The Bear Claw is essential to any Doughnut selection.” She snapped, “A real Essential, Shamus.”
Now, I'll never understand why I did what I did next. Perhaps it was exhaustion, perhaps it was pure boredom, perhaps it was the utter despair I felt over losing my dream Girl Alicia Keys, but I did it none the less, and it changed my life forever. You see, Madame Alimony had already purchased a doughnut, a Jelly filled one, with custard rising gloriously atop it like a beautiful mountain. It sat on top of her purse, which unwisely, she had put on the ground, next to her feet. As quietly as I could, and while singing the Jurrasic park theme song in my head, I reached down and grabbed the Jelly doughnut. That was when everything went wrong.
Down the hill came a goose, my goose, honking and snarling and hissing like mad. Like a hell bent demon bird of the apocalypse it charged down the hill and directly towards the pastry cart. I realized in that one horrible moment that I had learned a valuable lesson that I would never forget. You NEVER keep a goose waiting for his doughnut.
The flailing and snarling of my weird little friend attracted the attention of the Madame Alimony, and as the goose swerved around us and ran by the cart (causing my cursing from Shamus's direction), Madame Alimony shrieked, and latched on to my ear. “Little thief” she said through clenched teeth.
Not for the first time in my life, words failed me, and all I could say was the one gem that popped into my brain at the moment. “You wouldn't happen to know how to make a love charm would you? I've already tried singing, 'If I ain't got you'.” Ah my dearest Alicia!
