Certainly not going to "yell", but I assume you'd like at least a constructive critique.
The one thing about a dialogue heavy story is that you really have to be focusing on inflection and description to make it work. For example:
“Thats good.” A second voice commented. It was Courtney. “Another day and precious warriors would begin to degenerate. I require regeneration today myself.” She reminded.
“Yes, Nissk 2285. Many of us do as well.” The first one said.
“Thats not what I was implying Sub Visser 77.” Courtney responded.
The "first one" I assume is Sub Visser 77. (Oh, as a rule, number should be spelled out. Even in the Animorphs series the ranks of the Vissers and sub-vissers are usually spelled out while the regular names and numerical designations are left as they are. IE Iniss 226, because we know it's a name. But Visser Four is spelled out because the name and number are ranks.)
The thing is, in this exchange I don’t know what just happened. How did the sub-visser react to Courtney’s remark? An example of how to do this would be,
“Excellent,” Nissik 2285 said, with an exaggerated sigh of relief. “Another day and precious warriors would begin to regenerate. I require regeneration myself, as soon as possible.”
“As do many of us.”’
Nissik sobered, realizing she had spoken out of turn. Casting a nervous glance to the controller at the head of the table she said, “Forgive me, Sub-Visser Seventy-Seven. I meant no disrespect.”
See how we get an idea of who is speaking now?
Another thing you want to avoid is the talking heads syndrome. That’s when two or more people “talk” in a story, but we have no idea who they are. Even established writers tend to annoy their fans with this particular phenomenon.
“On to other matters.” A third said. “How long do we wait before taking the new hosts from the sharing to be infested?”
“We ought to start at today’s meeting.” A fourth insisted.
“Nonsense. Later meetings will surely bring hosts in larger numbers.” A fifth.
“Yes, 128, but infesting will further spread the word of this shenanigan.” the fourth retorted.
“At least until the next meeting 581.” 128 was exasperated.
581 turned to 77. “Your decision as Sub-Visser will decide. What do you think is the best course of action?”
Now, we’ve seen what happens to Yeerks who have opinions no one asked for. The people at this meeting seem a bit flippant. Are they sub vissers as well? It might help to know what’s going on here, who is at this meeting? What is it about, other than pool construction and feeding arrangements? Why is a Sub-Visser allowing so much side-sniping?
“Waiting until the next meeting will give a bit more time to regenerate those needing and further prepare things.” 77 decided. She turned to the third, “Do you agree, 4428? You are in charge of the pool construction and running infestations smoothly.”
“It would be an incredible difference just in that amount of time. The Hork-Bajir guards are the only security right now. The dracon beams are not in working order as of late.”
And now the snippet has ended. It doesn’t seem resolved and I have to wonder what purpose the whole argument served. If you’re still working on the piece, I would recommend taking your time and finishing it before presenting it, so that your readers aren’t left hanging. It’s one thing to have a full chapter with a cliff hanger ending, but for a cliff hanger ending to work we need to have a good beginning.
I hope this helps.
