Author Topic: The Kelbrid Chronicles  (Read 3563 times)

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Offline Noelle

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The Kelbrid Chronicles
« on: November 19, 2011, 06:03:31 PM »
Authors note:  This is the prologue of my current project.  I imagine it has a lot of problems, the first of it being incredibly info-dumpy, though since it is just setting the premise for my novel (basically explaining the Kelbrid-Andalite war) I'm having trouble knowing how to get the back story out.  Any and all suggestions would be INCREDIBLY appreciated.  :)

I am a huge edit-fiend and grammar/spelling stickler, so I'll most likely be editing this obsessively.  Hopefully that won't send out a ton of obnoxious notifications.

Also, I'm not able to write with KA's style most likely, so it won't really hold true to that, but I'll try to make it good anyway.


Any and all criticism (harsh is good too!) is appreciated.  I've had writing has a hobby for a long time, and even hope some day to have my own original work published, so I will consider all tongue-lashings to be attempts to keep food on my table in the future.  :)

Man, I'm nervous about posting my work...so here it goes!

___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ _______________
Prologue

Elfangor- Andalite



Not long after the Ellimist returned me, I had been called to Apex Level Intelligence.  Every bit of the way there left me fraught with panic.  Had they found out?  Had the doctor told them?  Was I going to be punished for creating Alloran?  Were they angry I had a son, a wife on another planet?

To this day, I don't know what would have been worse.  Those reasons, or the true reason they called me in.

As most Andalites, I knew very little of Kelbrids.  All we were told was to stay out of their sector of space, and that there was a treaty to do so.  The lexicons and databases held no more information.  But an exceptionally skilled computer analyst probably could have found out that the information had been erased and classified.

As I was debriefed on the Kelbrid situation, I had found there were two primary reasons all information regarding Kelbrids was classified.   Not even all in the military knew about them, and no civilian councils.

Firstly, it was to protect morale, we needed to preserve our confidence for the Yeerk war.  Even in the halls of the most confident race in the galaxy, one dark realization hung over the heads of Apex level intelligence: this may very well be a war the Andalites could not win.

Secondly, we had to protect our image to the people.  This war had driven us to desperation.  This war had its own set of rules, of conduct.  No more guilt about quantum viruses.  We tried those on the Kelbrids.  They failed.  Both sides of this war, driving each other to insanity, had stooped to abysmal levels just to win.  They resorted to enslaving their warriors.  We resorted to pure torture.  They resorted to making children soldiers.  We killed their children.  They resorted to resurrecting their warriors in the most terrifying fashion.

We were killing children.  And not only did we torture them, they began torturing them for us, to make them immune to our torture methods.

Our morphing technology was laughable in the face of what they were.  Their DNA was the pattern for our morphing technology.  We developed the technology after stealing and researching their strange DNA.  They were born morphers.  Some scientists speculated they didn't even have a true form.  So when they fought us, they fought us as Andalites.  We were fighting Andalite children.  And that was mercy as much as it was self preservation.  They suffered a far worse fate if left in the hands of the Kelbrids.

This was war.  This was hell.

Their demands had been simple.  Stay out.  But now Yeerks began to flee into their sector of space, to seek refuge from us.  The Kelbrids had told us they were taking care of them...but how could we take their word for it?  Could we just sit idly by while the Yeerks possibly grew their force exponentially? 

We tried renegotiating the terms of the treaty.  But they allowed for nothing.  No spies.  No reconnaissance missions.  No ambassadors.  Not one single Andalite soul was to set foot in their perimeters.  They had to be in league with the Yeerks, what other possible explanation could there be?  They promised to kill every single Andalite that came into their sector.

We did not believe them.  As a result we had sparked a war so terrifying warriors were turning their tailblades on themselves.  And who could blame them?  How long until the screams of the ones you tortured devoured your mind?  How long until one of the children you killed resembled your own child?  How could you listen to your wife talk about your child’s first days of school, then go into battle to kill someone like them?  The Andalites, at their core, were a gentle, honorable race.  War with the Yeerks may have toughened our hides and strengthened our tails, but this kind of warfare we simply were not made to withstand.  It was psychological more than physical, and the Kelbrids knew it.

That was when Apex Level Intelligence wiped the archives of all information except orders to stay out.  They handpicked and hand trained the warriors and Princes that were to go into Kelbrid space and attempt to find the Yeerks hiding within, and fight the Kelbrids themselves.  The heroes, the bravest of the brave, and the most intelligent of the most intelligent.   Despite our impressive histories some of us still cracked.  All of us left jaded.  The assignments into Kelbrid space were half as long as most military tours, they were not stupid enough to subject our warriors to that kind of warfare for long without a break.   Our ship medics became the debriefers, so they could send anyone home that seemed to become mentally unstable. Few complained when that happened.  Notions of honor were turned on its head.  This was one war it seemed more honorable to refuse to fight.  The only way to win was not to play.  And when we returned to the normal military, the military was none the wiser.  We had no one to tell our tales of horror to.  There was talk of wiping the memories of all who fought it, but that just clogged up training when it came time for repeat tours, and we needed this intelligence to remain alert, in case they came out of their sector of space.

So we just reserved memory wiping for the warriors that were damaged irreversibly.  The ones that succumb to the guilt, the ones that had been tortured by the Kelbrids.  The ones that went insane after we rescued after being buried alive by grinning, giggling little Andalite girls...




Kiro- Kelbrid


The Kelbrids, truly, have no quarrel with other races.  As long as they stay out of our sector.

We have control of three planets, two liberated from The One.  The One is still out there, still exists.  We have no known way of destroying him, all we could do was keep him quarantined while we keep all others out.

Perhaps I should explain this being to you.  If there is such a thing as evil deities, he is it..  He exists solely to assimilate, solely to control the universe.  He seeks to devour the being of every individual in the universe, excising full control, full power and omnipotence.

He does this by assimilating his victims.  They become completely controlled.  All their memories, all their knowledge is consumed and spread to the others under his control.  When you fight an assimilated being, you are fighting millions of warriors, millions of lives of experience, millions of minds merged into one.  And even if you extinguish it, their memories will remain.
Despite his terrible power, we had him contained.  We were immune to his mind control.  The same genetic trait that destabilized our DNA and molecular structure made him unable to wrap his mind around ours.  All we had to do was keep all other races out and away from him.  This was never a problem.

Until the Andalites came.

The Andalites, in our first meetings, seemed relatively harmless.  Idiot scientists marauding around the galaxy, as if they didn't have anything better to do.  We repelled them mildly at first, we made a treaty with their leaders stating they would never come back into our territory, and we gave them no further thought.

We underestimated them.  And we didn't know until it was too late.  Now they have made our war more difficult in two ways, threatening the galaxy with a terrible, terrible fate.

They had unleashed a plague upon the galaxy, spreading a rampant parasitic infection from species to species, completely uncontrolled.  The Andalites think they have it under control, but they are spread too thin.  They have started to resort to genocide to clean up their mess, rather than preventing it.  They are fortunate that we are resistant to this infection, just like the control from The One, or we would have massacred their homeworld a long time before.

After the Yeerks managed to get a hold of an Andalite host, they began pouring into our sector of space in droves.  What that Andalite knew they now knew.  They came here to be protected from the Andalites, fearing them more than us.  And then, even worse, they learned of The One.  The One got one of them, one that slipped through their ships, and his visions for escaping our quarantine became clear.  If he allied with the Yeerks, he had more bodies to assimilate.  If he brought the Yeerks here, the Andalites would come.  If the Andalites came, we would have to engage them.  His pact was irristable to the Yeerks.  The Kelbrids and the Andalites wipe each other out.  The Yeerks are left free to infect the rest of the galaxy.  He assimilates thousands of new slaves and spreads his own infection throughout the galaxy alongside the Yeerks.

And if he assimilates the Andalites, disputably the most advanced species in the galaxy, he would become unstoppable.  Their knowledge, their technology would all go to him and be spread to his slaves, and from there they would create an Andalite fleet that we could never hope to be stop.  And we had learned we could not hope to possibly compete with that.  If he got an Andalite there would be no hope for the galaxy.

Now you see?  Now you see why the Andalites must die?  At all cost...no matter how terrible the price.  And the price we have paid as a society is terrible.

Some of the war council, driven to desperation by the new developments in the wars spread across the galaxy, suggested we just divulge the reason for our strict rules about species staying out.  But we knew this was folly.  The Andalites, in their hubris and over-confidence, would try to find a way to defeat The One themselves...or even go on some idiotic scientific mission...and get themselves assimilated.  The only way to ensure they would never become assimilated was to kill all the ones that came into our borders.  And if they would not learn from that, then to simply purge them all.

The council decided to enact Plan 0, our final plan for species who would not be contained.  It was a 100% fix, but it was slow and required a massive amount of our military power, leaving us vulnerable in our own sector of space.  We needed troops, we needed them specially trained to kill Andalites, and we needed them fast.

After Plan 0 was announced, we separated our military into three sectors.  Sector One dealt with the creatures that had already been assimilated, the poor, damned souls.  They were mostly comprised of veterans, heroes, people who knew the ropes and the war.  They would be fine.

Sector Two would deal with the Yeerks.  The Yeerks were so numerous, it was almost inevitable that some would slip through and become the responsibility of Sector One, but it was not a huge concern.  Their technology was all clumsy and second hand, it was no better than our own, nothing The One hasn't seen already.  The only Yeerk we kept obsessive watch over was Visser Three, and he was stationed far away on Earth.  All we would do is send an assassin there to watch him until we got knowledge that he was going to leave earth, then we would give the order to have him executed.  We would leave Sector Three to that.  The Sector Twos were the jack of all trades, exposed to several different races, most of which had nothing on us when it came to battle.  Their work load was higher, but their life was pleasant dream compared to the other two sectors.

Sector Three was the ones charged to deal with the Andalites.  There was no room for failure or weakness, and the training program itself reflected it.  It churned out monsters that would never be fit for society again.  Got their blood and rage boiling and set them on the Andalites.  The truth was the Andalites were more advanced...they always would be and they proved that to us.  They had even stolen our shape-shifting abilities.  So we had no choice but to win against them using brute force and psychological tactics that, in truth, left us just as haunted as it left them.

First, we enslaved our military members, placing a nano-machine in their brains whenever they join.  All their memories, personality, and feelings are stored there, basically their consciousness.  When they are killed by these Andalites, we take their stored consciousness and transplant them into the machines we create, huge war machines we create, golems. They control the machine like its their body, they never die unless physically destroyed, and even then if the nano-machine remains we can just give them a new body.  It was a perfect solution in theory, every warrior they kill only makes the warrior stronger, though a terrible fate for the warriors, to be denied peace, to be forced into a cold, unfeeling body forever.  But we just tell our warriors, fight harder, make the war end, then we can remove your phylactery and destroy it, finally granting you peace.  It works. We use these machines to fight for us, along with our brutally trained warriors.

But the Andalites still persevered against them, the ratios of wins and losses split nearly down the middle.  We needed more strategy against them.

So we resorted to using and training children.  It barely passed through the council, some of the military threatened to rebel, but in the end the benefits were just too numerous, and the desperate need to end this however necessary was just too great.

Firstly, children learn easier, or some would say brainwash easier.  They soak up the information like a sponge, they memorize Andalite anatomy and battle techniques faster than a mature warrior.  They take to the Andalite form quicker and become more agile with it than warriors used to years and years being in their original form.

Also, when you put them on the battlefield with our warriors, everyone fights harder.  Three fourths of our military are females; our females from the third planet are born to be more violent, ruthless and strong.  It makes sense, they have an innate, protective mothering instinct that is present almost from the time they learn to walk. The mothers are the protectors and providers of their brood. Kelbrids of this planet, or this race anyway, have large families, so the instinct to nurture and protect our young is crucial to survival.  No female in her right mind would let an Andalite harm a child if she could prevent it.  And they fight harder than ever to try to prevent it, and their rage when they see a child fall in unmatched in the entire universe.  And our young learn by example to be just as ruthless.

And, it was, sadly, just practical.  With warriors dying to their blades, we did not have time to wait for a new generation of warriors to grow up.  We did not have time to wait to see if these warriors would make it on the battle field or not after spending fifteen years for them to grow and another five to train.

Many expected the plan to fail, I suspect this was how a military full of surrogate mothers ever let this pass to begin with.  Prove it wouldn't work, then it would never be brought up again, and our children would be safe.  Despite their trainability, children are fragile in both mind and body.  Some simply could not withstand the kind of war they had been shoved into, and the ones that could became terrible monsters that just one would just as soon put down.  It was frightening to see the difference between an adult transforming into a warrior and a child transforming into a warrior.  It was sure to fail, five years maximum, then it was sure to be shut down.

But the use of children had an unexpected benefit.  It broke the Andalites more than we could break them through torturing them ourselves.  Many an Andalite died to the inability to kill a child, and the children, either terrified for their lives or deluded into thinking it was just a game, didn't give the Andalite warriors the same consideration.  Less warriors came back to the battlefield than we left alive.  You could practically see them coming apart.  Tragically, it was the edge in the war we needed.  And so the program continued.

Though troop morale and faith in our people had been gutted from stooping so low, it only increased our desire to win, to make it end.  It had to stop, the madness has to stop, and we fought harder and more desperately to stop it.

All I can say is pray we win, pray we win soon.
« Last Edit: November 24, 2011, 11:32:24 AM by Noelle_Winters »

Offline Darth Zakryn

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Re: The Kelbrid Chronicals
« Reply #1 on: November 19, 2011, 10:36:55 PM »

Wow, pretty good. I have to admit I skimmed through it mostly to see what it was like. You can tell so much from an author's writing style by that, if their story is going to be any good, etc. And I must say, yours has all the makings of a GREAT fanfic, right up there with New Dawn and others. I will be reading this later and giving my thoughts on the chapter. Anyway, good job so far from I can see. I will definitely be keeping an eye on this.

Offline wildweathel

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Re: The Kelbrid Chronicles
« Reply #2 on: November 21, 2011, 10:12:22 PM »
I'm on a road-trip right now, but I've made this first priority for when I get back.  Expect heavy criticism; I stopped counting at a half-dozen points of concern in the first two paragraphs.  I prefer Google Docs, so if you don't have a Google account, head over to http://www.google.com/accounts and get yourself set up.

This is gonna be fun.
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Offline Darth Zakryn

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Re: The Kelbrid Chronicles
« Reply #3 on: November 22, 2011, 01:10:31 AM »
Okay, I finally got around to reading the entire thing, and I must say, it's pretty good for a first attempt. Nice character introspection, plenty of mystery and foreshadowing, and some interesting twists. A word of advice; don't give away too much in the first chapter, leave a little bit of the plot developments for later. We already know now that the Kelbrid are fighting The One, The One is controlling Kelbrid, and that the Andalites are getting involved, rather than it evolving as the story goes on, but of course, that's just my opinion, and the superb writing makes me even forget that. A few questions, though: Why involve Elfangor? What year is the first chapter supposed to be taking place? And how do the Yeerks fit into this? I always assumed reading #54. The Beginning that they merely fled into space and came across the Kelbrid and The One, but obviously that isn't so here. I'm looking forward to finding out why. I will be rating your individual chapters by a star system. I hope you don't mind. I give this chapter eight stars out of ten.

~DZ

Offline Noelle

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Re: The Kelbrid Chronicles
« Reply #4 on: November 22, 2011, 05:41:07 AM »
-Angel Bunny:  Haha, I feel as though I am about to become thoroughly owned.  =P  I accept that, thank you for your time.  :)


-Darth Zakryn:  I will think about how much I gave away in the first chapter.  I guess my only concern is the entire series I have planned out is rather plot-twisty, so I'm trying to avoid it turning into 5 books of "Hey, this is a major huge plot hole....oh wait..."

As for Elfangor being involved, I guess a) that's one of the things I'm not giving away yet =P and b) I've always wondered what the heck he did between his suicide mission right after he was taken out of his human life and when he came to earth, so I guess this kind of fills that.  As for the time line, I admit my time line is a little bit confused because I've always been a little bit confused about Elfangor's age and the time line of Animorphs itself.  And I confess, this is my one HUGE break from Cannon, I'm probably going to push the timeline up about ten years because I just can't resist writing about Animorphs dealing with more modern technology.  However, what I DO know is this takes place roughly about when Tobias is five years old, but the fanfic itself is going to span roughly ten years.  (How Elfangor keeps track of it is for a later chapter.)

The Yeerks tie into this because when they got Alloran, they got the Andalite knowledge from him that they have a treaty with the Kelbrids to stay out of Kelbrid space.  Thus, they thought they could go there to escape the Andalites.  And then when one of them managed to get assimilated, The One kind of decided "Hey, these Andalites are the shiz and could probably fry the Kelbrids, lets drag 'em in here," and suggested to the Yeerks to keep fleeing into space, which would naturally get the Andalites a little worried about staying out of Kelbrid space. (I thought I had pointed that part out in the chapter, I might have not made it clear though, I will re-read it.)

Also, I didn't hope to imply that The One is controlling the Kelbrids, more manipulating the circumstances.  The Kelbrids guess this is going on, but they have no real choice but to play it out.

Thanks so much for the comments.  :)


Not really sure when I'm going to get chapter one out...some later chapters are pretty much done, but that one just feels so awkward to write and when I read it I just want to beat my own face up.  Not sure how to fix it...
« Last Edit: November 22, 2011, 07:04:14 AM by Noelle_Winters »

Offline wildweathel

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Re: The Kelbrid Chronicles
« Reply #5 on: November 22, 2011, 09:07:57 AM »
-Angel Bunny:  Haha, I feel as though I am about to become thoroughly owned.  =P  I accept that, thank you for your time.  :)

Hey, we haven't met, have we?  I usually go by "Weathel" as my permanent name.


Quote
I guess my only concern is the entire series I have planned out is rather plot-twisty, so I'm trying to avoid it turning into 5 books of "Hey, this is a major huge plot hole....oh wait..."

Oh, you have a plan?  I love you.  You would not believe the number of times I've seen "I wrote 15k words, then ran out of ideas, so I wrote another 15k and want help now."

Quote
Not really sure when I'm going to get chapter one out...some later chapters are pretty much done, but that one just feels so awkward to write and when I read it I just want to beat my own face up.  Not sure how to fix it...

You mean ch 1 feels awkward, right?  From reading the first page or so: it's probably because 1) too much data 2) not enough want/fear/doubt from Elfangor.  Maybe put him in a briefing room with another character to conflict against.  More depth later, of course.
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Offline Darth Zakryn

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Re: The Kelbrid Chronicles
« Reply #6 on: November 22, 2011, 11:43:29 AM »
Well, the way I see the timeline is:

1966 - Seerow unleashes the Yeerks.

1968 - The Yeerks invade the Hork-Bajir home world.

1970 - The Andalites lose the Hork-Bajir War.

1975 - The Andalite Chronicles: Loren uses the Time Matrix to change the universe so she was born earlier and they warp from 1975 to 1980 when they return to their reality.

1983 - Tobias is born.

1991 - Visser One arrives on Earth. (Visser Three was obviously bluffing when he bragged to Loren about the Yeerks coming to Earth early.)

1992 - Visser One contacts the Empire and the invasion begins.

1993 - Visser One captures and infests Eva.

1994 - Visser One leaves Earth in the hands of Visser Three.

1996 - The Animorphs series begins.

1999 - The war ends with a Yeerk defeat.

2000 - Visser Three AKA Visser One is tried for his war crimes.

2002 - Ax is captured and the Animorphs go to investigate.

2003 - The Animorphs come across The One.

But I suppose such a big break in canon might not make a difference if we accept this story as AU to the entire Animorphs series.

Ok, but why did the Yeerks go into Kelbrid space to escape the Andalites? It's not that they're losing the war so much as it's going back and forth. Or is this another of those things yet to be revealed, because I can live with it if that's the case.

I saw your message. I will be getting back to that presently.

Offline Noelle

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Re: The Kelbrid Chronicles
« Reply #7 on: November 23, 2011, 04:41:20 PM »
I always viewed the Yeerks as extremely opportunistic, so even if they weren't hurting that much in the war, I would think the knowledge that they could flee and either a) find a planet to grow their forces free from harassment from the Andalites or b) force the Andalites into a two-way war would be too tempting for them to pass up.  (Which they would know from Alloran's memories.)



The first part was intended to be the prologue, and I agree, it was pretty terribly written (essentially a big info dump.)  In my finalized version, I may edit it or scrap it altogether, like I said I was just worried about starting the fic with giving the audience no idea of what was going on, though that may be better. 

Working on Chapter 1 now, I hope to have it up by tonight.  I did see your message, Darth Zakryn, I'll get back to you.  :)

Offline Noelle

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Re: The Kelbrid Chronicles
« Reply #8 on: November 23, 2011, 07:49:33 PM »
Author note:  Here is chapter 1.  The most awkward part is Ziru's narration.  I think the reason it feels so awkward is I want it in to start her story and give some background, yet I feel like I cannot add enough detail about the appearance of the Kelbrid's because a little kid isn't  going to sit there and give detail about appearances if it's her own race.  (But I will have that around chapter 3-4).  I am trying to focus mostly on her familial relations and how she feels about what happened, but I feel like my audience wouldn't care enough this soon in the story, so I try to keep it short and to the point.  I would add it later, but chronologically it just wouldn't make sense.


___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ____

Chapter 1

Ziru- Kelbrid

My memories of that day are blurred, remembered more in emotion than detail.  I was very young, my younger sister was still being carried by my mother.  It was the first time I had ever been far from the familiar caves I had been born in.  We were going to see my brother at our capital, but there was no excitement in my parents.  He had been promoted to rank 3-3-1 from 3-3-2 yet there was no pride or celebration.  His promotion came at the expense of his wife, former 3-3-1.

Tira was a celebrated warrior, revered among the people.  Her loss was a shock among those who didn't even know her.  At that young age I only understood what had happened in abstract terms.  I knew there was a war, and she had fallen in that war, and she was a hero.

I hadn't known Tira the warrior, I had known her as a sister.  I had hoped one day I could somehow step into the shadows of her and my brother and grow out of those shadows to be a great warrior myself.  I remembered that she always had a smile, a graceful way of walking, old, wise eyes even though she was young.  It was no wonder that Kilna loved her, and him loving her was enough to convince me that I loved her as well.

I think at that young age, while in my mind I understood she was gone, it didn't really occur to me yet that I would never see her again.  Her memorial was held in a great hall with carved stalagmite pillars, full to cavern ceiling with people.  Being around so many unknown people was uncomfortable, we may be a social species, but being in such an obvious, large group was against our nature.  Despite this, we gathered to pay our final respects to Tira, it was a small sacrifice to pay in light of the sacrifice she made.

Normally as we remember our passed loved ones we have their body with us before we return them to the outer world, but hers was not there.  I remember pitying my brother for this reason, that he could not say goodbye to his wife one last time.

He was seated at the head of the hall with 19 other warriors, ranks 3-3-1 through 3-3-20.  The rest of the crowd conversed, speaking about random events.  But the warriors sat like pale statues, remembering their fallen commander.  I wonder if Kilna felt frightened about living up to her name, on top of the sadness he surely was feeling.  I was not permitted to see him at that time, but I watched him from the crowd.  I only remembered him looking eerily dead himself, sitting more still in his stone chair than even the other warriors.

I didn't know it that day, but Kilna had fallen in the same battle as Tira.  His death was more real to me than Tira’s, he was never the best friend I had remembered prior to her death.  It was my first glimpse at the reality behind the abstract concept of war.  A tiny little crack in the facade of honor and glory that our people built around it.  It was not enough for me to give up my desire to be like Tira or Kilna, but it did stick in my mind.  Even though he had attained great fame through his dedication, I always felt guilty for the selfish wish in my heart that I could trade his fame for my old brother back.




Elfangor-Andalite

3 years later

[Let him go!  Follow him!] came the orders from my fighter’s communication system.  I fell in formation with the rest of the fighters as the Yeerk fighter descended towards the white planet.  We had just got done with a space fight with a minor fleet of Yeerk fighters, and now this one single fighter was fleeing.

[Entering the atmosphere,] my ship told me.  I had not yet been to this planet yet, it was the beginning of my tour in Kelbrid space.  I had been told much of my time may be spent here, the Yeerks seemed to concentrate around this planet.  We had failed to prove any theories correct or incorrect, but the one that stood out most was that they basically could have control—or use—of the surface, the sentient race that inhabited this planet did not live in the surface, but rather in the vast cavern system that lie beneath the surface.

Slowly the terrain of the surface world became more visible.  Though carefully staying in formation with the rest of the fighters, I looked down to it with my stalk eyes.  It was all snow, small wonder they did not live on the surface, it was hard to imagine such a place being inhabitable.  Despite this there appeared to be forests of white trees that somehow grew, and my sensors picked up life forms in those forests. 

[He’s landing!] one of the warriors noted, interrupting my inspection of the terrain.

[Fry him, then land,] Prince Exron-Aftilan-Esteer instructed.  [We’re going to scout the area.  Less chance of starting an aerial fight with the Kelbrids if we go on hoof.]

When he gave the order two of the fighters in the front flashed, obviously already locked onto the Yeerk fighter ship.  It exploded instantly; I dipped my fighter low to avoid hitting the exploding debris.

[Good fighting!] Prince Exron commented over the communication system.  [Let's spend some time here, see if we can find out why this ship fled here.  We also need to get some of you your gitta morphs as well.]

I grabbed my shredder off a shelf and replaced it in my holster after putting it on stun setting.  [Atmosphere conditions,] I told my ship, even though I knew the Prince wouldn’t demand a walk on hoof it was inhospitable.

[256.33 degrees, atmosphere comprised of 82.5% Nitrogen, 16.2% Oxygen, 1.1% Carbon Dioxide, .2% Various Trace Elements.] It reported.  The air content was similar to the Andalite home world, but at roughly 2 degrees Fahrenheit, it was barely hospitable to an Andalite body, it made sense we would need a local creature to morph.  My ship stopped and hovered for a bit before floating to the ground.  I could see some of the other warriors already stepping out of the ship, a couple came out already in gitta form.  As I opened my hatch I felt the cold air blast me.  My fur would only protect me against it for so long.

I stepped out, the snow crunching beneath my hooves.  We had landed in the eerie, white forest.  [Are you certain it would not be wiser to scout with a fighter?] I asked, hoping Prince Exron would not be angry with my questions.  We were of the same rank, however since this was his second Kelbrid Space tour I generally deferred to his judgement.

Luckily, he did not seem to take offense.  [Our chances of being detected in a fighter are greater than being detected on foot.  The Kelbrids that reside on this planet are nocturnal, both their gitta and tahrar forms, they generally do not occupy Andalite form for anything but fighting.  If we encounter anything it will be a small watch party, and even then their eyesight is not good in the sun until they morph Andalite.]

I was still uneasy, but I did not doubt his experience.  The Kelbrids were a complicated species, if you could even call them a species.  As far as we knew, they occupied three planets, and the sentient species of each planet were each clearly different species with different lifestyles, yet they all identified themselves as Kelbrids.  Even though it seemed their only common trait was the ability to morph, they still worked as a unified culture.

The party, seven Andalites all together, began to move forward, four of them, including Prince Exron, in gitta form, the bandolier hanging awkwardly about him, though still secure.  [Watch the tops of these trees; they usually sleep in the trees during the day.]

With one stalk eye I eyed the trees.  White, crystalline trees upon white snow upon white-gray sky, the environment seemed surreal, the only color coming from us Andalites and the black mountains not too far in the distance.  I touched one gingerly with a hand as we passed, and was surprised to feel warmth within the smooth, stone-like surface.  With the other stalk eye I inspected the gitta form of the other warriors.  It was a six-legged creature, the legs ending in massive paws.  The fur was long, shaggy, and white, obviously well camouflaged for this monochromatic terrain.  The body itself was a little bit taller than the lower half of a full-grown Andalite male, but two feet longer from front to base of the tail.  The tail itself was long, though not nearly as long as an Andalite tail, and was greatly plumed with fur, I imagined necessary if it lived in trees in this frigid environment.  The head was large and had two pale blue eyes, and had a massive snout that ended with rows of protruding, sharp fangs, yet the nose was barely visible, only a single, long slit along the top of the snout.

After looking I turned both stalk eyes to the trees, obviously it was going to be difficult to find one, but not long after we started walking one of the morphed warriors commented [I smell one close, keep a look-out.]  I sincerely hoped one was close, my joints were beginning to ache from the cold.  But then a frightening thought crossed my mind…would it be a gitta or a morphed Kelbrid?  If we didn’t gain much knowledge from this war, we would at least gain a new appreciation for the morphing technology we had.  Warriors never really used it much, even though almost all received it.

I heard a soft snuffling sound coming from the morphed warriors, until they stopped at the base of a particularly large crystal tree.  I looked up at the top, and surely enough, there lounging in the branches was a gitta.

It’s triangle ears twitched and it looked down at us with large eyes.  I expected it to run, seeing it was outnumbered.  But instead it began to emit a low, threatening growl, its tail swishing.  Clearly, this creature was king of its forest.
 
I raised my shredder at it.  [Stun it?]

[Yes,] Prince Exron confirmed and I squeezed the trigger.  TSEEW!  The body fell limp in the tree.  One of the warriors began to scale the tree branches.  When it got to the top it pushed the gitta out of the tree with its head, sending it tumbling down from branch to branch until finally it fell to the ground.

[Are you certain this isn’t a Kelbrid?] I asked.

[Oh, don’t worry, you’ll know if they found us,] another warrior, Beltarn, commented.  I quickly moved my tail blade to the body and pressed it against it to acquire it.  The other two Andalite did so just as quickly, obviously as tired of the cold as I was.  I knew that usually Kelbrids signaled vocally when they found Andalites, but I had never heard it.

[Alright, you three morph, we will demorph now,] he said and began demorphing.  I suppose it made sense, we would need cover to demorph if Kelbrid’s found us. 

I focused on the morph, and immediately my fur began growing and bleaching white.  My upper body became heavier and began to be forced down to the ground as my spine straightened, my hands becoming massive claws.  My stalk eyes darkened and my tail shortened, leaving me feeling naked without my tail blade.  My face pushed out and sprouted teeth, and as it did the light from the snow seemed to grow brighter, overwhelming my vision.  They were correct, their vision was not excellent during the day, it even caused me to blink mid-morph. 

As I completed the morph, I felt the animal’s instincts encroach upon my mind.  It was surprisingly calm, confident, clearly a predator.  I looked at the group of Andalites in front of me.  Were they food?  Was I hungry enough to hunt them?  There was more than one, I was not hungry enough for those odds.  I had the urge to calmly just climb a tree and return to sleep, but luckily the instincts were calm enough I was able to keep control of the morph without a struggle.  And thankfully, I was warm.

The comfort lasted a mere two seconds.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAH!!!!

I snapped down to the ground, every hair standing up on my body, I saw the Andalites snap their eyes to the trees and pull weapons out of their holsters  The terrible screech/howl continued on, like some sort of siren, multi-toned like demons were about to sprout from the ground.

[Morph out!] Prince Exron demanded.  [We’re about to have company!]

I hurriedly complied with his demands, and with my ears I heard the chilling howl spread across the forest, several voices joining in the hellish chorus, alerting all to our presence.  I couldn’t even count the voices.   As soon as I had functional arms I grappled for my shredder.

[To the fighters!] Prince Exron demanded.  [Keep moving!  We don’t know if they have weapons, report ANY movement!]

We ran in a pack back towards the fighters, stalk eyes waving around in circles wildly.  White…white…white…nothing but white passed us…they couldn’t be hard to spot if they were Andalites.  Soon the fighters were in sight.  The howls around us continued, but the pitches and tones now varied; it was some sort of language.  I didn’t even know if the translator chip could possibly pick up a language such as this.

[South-south-east!] one of the warriors yelled and like a finely-tuned machine all of the warriors spun their bodies to that direction, yet kept their stalk eyes behind them.

I raised my gun and looked frantically.  Where?  Nothing, I couldn’t see anything, was he mistaken?  We strafed towards the ships, we had to protect them.

Then, a flash of movement in the trees!  Yet I still barely saw it.  I looked ahead in the direction it went but still couldn’t see where the creature went.  One of the warriors shot his weapon and I saw something leaping away in that direction…was that a tail-blade?

It wasn’t until we neared the fighters that I found one…one coming directly at me, zigzagging to avoid me getting a decent shot on my weapon.  It was Andalite, but with fur as white as the snow around us, no wonder we couldn’t see them until they were directly upon us!  I holstered my weapon and brought my tail blade up towards it.

It made one massive leap at me, its pale gray eyes full of malice, it’s ears laid flat back against its skull, making it looked like a crazed, insane creature.  It brought its tail down in a huge, strong swipe aimed at my torso.  I deflected it easily, but I heard the FWAPP FWAPP of tailblades all around me, my first battle with the Kelbrids began…
« Last Edit: November 24, 2011, 11:23:15 AM by Noelle_Winters »

Offline Darth Zakryn

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Re: The Kelbrid Chronicles
« Reply #9 on: November 24, 2011, 06:10:40 AM »
Cool, you updated! Nice chapter, although I have the feeling me and Angel may perhaps be the only reviewers for this entire story. And that's a shame. That said, I can see that your writing style is starting to evolve. It's not really awe-inspiring jaw-dropping excellent, but I think you have promise, and with enough time, I believe that you can become one of the best Animorphs fanfiction authors out there. That said, let's get into the review proper.

Are you always going to divide the chapter into two parts, both Andalite and Kelbrid? I actually like this idea; it's fairly unique, and shows perspectives from both sides in the war rather than just the single-character chapters we got from the actual series, even in multi-narrator books. Somehow I get the feeling that Ziru is going to be meeting Elfangor in this battle, but that's just theory, and I'll just have to see if I'm right, though how she relates to Kiro is something of a mystery to me.

After reading through this, I think I can safely conclude this is AU because the Andalites only fought the Kelbrid once, centuries before the Yeerks appeared, and knew nothing about them, not even what they looked like, but this is a nice change since it gives the fic a dark, grittier setting than the Animorphs series, and that's saying something. It almost has a semi-depressing feel to it, like you were writing it when you were in a deep depression (not that I'm accusing you of that), but that ties into the motif that war is hell, so it's a nice addition. One thing I notice, though, is that it seems to lack coherent direction. For scenes taking place in the moment, it's well structured and nicely written, but they don't seem to be leading anywhere, although, like I said, they do hold up well on their own.

Not really a compliant, but an observation: The Kelbrids only occupy THREE planets? I think that is a little farfetched, to be honest. Even if they have extremely low populations, an interstellar empire spanning dozens or even hundreds of light-years should have at least a few hundred planets, even if they're just small colonies or outposts. You could say that they were the Kelbrids' main planets and that would make sense. I imagine the Andalites had a few main planets and then hundreds or perhaps even thousands of smaller outposts, bases, or colonies; likewise, the Yeerks' main planets were the Hork-Bajir home world and the Taxxon home world, and I bet you they served some sort of purpose, i.e. the Taxxon home world was their communications hub whereas the Hork-Bajir home world was their nexus for producing ships, not the sole planet doing so, but one of the major ones.

Anyway, what else can I say about this fic? Nice writing, though I have to admit the double spaces between words was kind of distracting, and I do place a lot of emphasis on grammar. In the end, I give Chapter 2 of The Kelbrid Chronicles six stars out of ten.

~DZ

Offline Noelle

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Re: The Kelbrid Chronicles
« Reply #10 on: November 24, 2011, 09:08:50 AM »
Thanks so much for the reply.  :) 

-As for dividing the chapters that way, it wasn't something I originally intended to do, but I do kind of like how it turned out.  I am not sure I'll be able to do that for all of the chapters, but it definitely solves my "ugh, this thing is going to be like 60 chapters" problem.

-Kiro will come up later in the story.  ;) 

-After wikipediaing AU (I'm new to the fanfic thing, I usually only write original work, lol) I would agree this is probably AU.  While I'm trying to play the angle that the Andalites only THINK they've dealt with the Kelbrids once (because the information was classified), later in the series it's going to have a break from cannon anyway.  But I have to admit, the Kelbrid thing in The Beginning ticked me off...you have a treaty...with people you a)don't know anything about b) don't know what they look like? Erm...huh?

-I do hope that this fic doesn't get too dark, but it is definitely not a story with rainbows and sunshine.  At this point in time (in my fic, also the few times we got a glimpse of his post-Loren story in the books) Elfangor is pretty depressed over not having Loren and his son, so I guess the depressed tone is working.  :D  Though, it might have also something to do with I'm getting no turkey today since I broke my hip and can't go home.  :(  Eat lots for me!!!!

-I will admit, Elfangor's part of the story, in this part of the book, has no real direction.  In this section of the fic (I originally had it separated into 3 books like the TAC) the plot is driven forward mostly by Ziru, with Elfangor there to give a more in-depth description of the Kelbrids.  Thanks for bringing it up, I'll put it in the back of my mind to try to think of some way to remedy it.

-As for the planets thing, they do only occupy three, but there's a plot-twisty reason for that...one that will pretty much give a huge spoiler to the whole series, it has something to do with Plan 0.  (I can PM it to you if you like, haha.)  And they do have outposts, but I don't really consider those planets.

-Double spaces?  I don't see them, I'll look for them though.  If you mean between the paragraphs, I'll admit it's just for my own mental sanity.  Its hard for me to read other fics on the computer that have proper paragraph formation sometimes, it looks like HUGE BLOCK OF TEXT to me, haha.

Thanks again for the critique. :)

PS: soon one of my chapters might star one of your favorite things in the series: Andalite nuclear dolls!  =p  Though ironically I had it in my story before the whole thread, lol.
« Last Edit: November 24, 2011, 09:12:06 AM by Noelle_Winters »

Offline wildweathel

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Re: The Kelbrid Chronicles
« Reply #11 on: November 24, 2011, 09:56:20 AM »
Prologue has been critiqued.  I hoped to end up with something more substantial than "cut it," but in the end I think that's the best choice.

Prologues are hard and often best unsaid.

Let's talk strategy.  You're writing a novel, which is really cool but requires planning and drive (and serious endurance).  I trust that you're outlining things and know how the tale will end.

Do not write without an ending.  It is the perfect way to waste everyone's time.

I strongly suggest writing the first draft to the end before revising.  I'll keep reading and notating (if you'll have me), but the time for fixing will come later.  If you're reasonably sure about a change, you can write an inconsistent draft: the end assumes the beginning is different.  Just keep notes so you can fix it later.

EDIT:

Tone: Animorphs is surprisingly dark.  I wouldn't wallow too much in gore, splashing it around like a two-year-old in a wading pool, but this is the series responsible for one of the most intense discussions of torture in YA literature ever.

You're nowhere near the level of typical My Little Pony fanfic, so I'm gonna say you're fine.
« Last Edit: November 24, 2011, 10:04:18 AM by Angel Bunny (weathel) »
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Offline Noelle

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Re: The Kelbrid Chronicles
« Reply #12 on: November 24, 2011, 11:04:49 AM »
Thanks for the critique.  :)  I definitely do have an outline from beginning to end.  I agree with a lot of the criticism you posted, and it actually gave me a good idea how to re-write it, which I thank you for, though I think I will wait to re-write it.  (I have a terrible habit of getting so caught up on re-writing my chapters that I hinder the processing of later chapters.)  I did re-write a few points that did bug me a lot.

I do share your concerns about the race being sue-ish, and I've tried really hard to try to develop it more away from that, they do have weaknesses but I didn't include them in the info-dump.  (Not saying that fixes the problems.)  Which reminds me...why did I have them resistant to shredders anyway?  I think it was a former incarnation of their race that I did away with...I'm going to write it out.  Thank you for hitting me over the head with the "your dumb!" bat.  And I really mean it.

And I did take your advice about re-naming the machines, I struggled with that a lot because I didn't want to call them "androids" since there was not a computer controlling them, but something a lot like the thing the Arn did with Aldrea.  Does "golems" sound better?  I guess I'll leave the actually machine with their recorded personalities a "nano-machine" or maybe "recorder."


I would be happy if you could continue to critique the story, definitely harsh, but my story will only be better for it. 
« Last Edit: November 24, 2011, 11:36:58 AM by Noelle_Winters »

Offline Darth Zakryn

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Re: The Kelbrid Chronicles
« Reply #13 on: November 24, 2011, 11:33:18 AM »
Divided Chapters: Ok then. Yeah, I have to admit, when my story comes out, it's going to be huge, like 70+ chapters. But then again, this IS a crossover between Animorphs, Terminator, Transformers, Harry Potter, and ReBoot, so I guess that's goes with the territory.

Kiro: Oh good, I was wondering about that.

AU: Yeah, I agree. Good thing you have this all planned out then. But I think the Kelbrid treat was supposed to be like the Earth-Romulan treaty in Star Trek: The Original Series. Not surprising considering the series itself is heavily based on Star Trek cliches. In the Earth-Romulan War, the Federation never got a look at the Romulans either.

Dark Fic: I agree with Angel; Animorphs by itself is naturally dark; I was only pointing out that yours seems to be taking it up to eleven, but I guess Elfangor has good reason like you said.

Planets: And I was wondering about that too.

White Snow: Why is the color of the snow white? I mean, in the Animorphs series, different planets are VERY alien, so doesn't white snow seem a little too... terrestrial?

I guess that's it. Oh BTW did you get my message?

Offline wildweathel

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Re: The Kelbrid Chronicles
« Reply #14 on: November 24, 2011, 12:46:07 PM »
Snow should be white everywhere because physics.  Even non-water snow is white.


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