Author Topic: A Brand New World (Any ideas on different names??)  (Read 3544 times)

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Aldrea2011

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A Brand New World (Any ideas on different names??)
« on: April 15, 2011, 10:04:58 PM »
Ok, so this is partly written, not done yet. Hope you like it. I need ideas on the main character's name too, its kinda messed up but I'll fix it later. 

“This is the last box.” I said as I shoved it into the car.




“I can't believe you're moving.” That was my friend, Nicole. We have been friends since kindergarten, so she took the move the hardest; well, besides me, of course. She came over to help us pack.




“I know, but I have to. We can still keep in touch,” I hugged her. “Goodbye Courtney.”




“Goodbye Amber.” She started to tear up again.




“Don't cry, you'll make me cry.”

She gave me a weak smile.




“That's everything; I did one more sweep of the house.”




“Okay Dad.” I sighed and hopped into the front seat. I waved to my friend. My dad started the car. My aunt helped as well and she was driving the Uhaul, mom riding with her. Then it was time to start the long drive.




I am moving from California to Maine. My dad just lost his job due to downsizing. He started to apply to random jobs, and one being in Maine, as a conservationist! They wanted to interview him so my dad flew out to Maine for a week. The park manager really liked him so here we are moving to Maine. We decided to drive there mostly because we have too much stuff to put on a plane and it’s kinda cool to be driving cross-country.




I looked out the window and saw the lights of the city I called home for my entire life, all 14 years of it. It was sad. San Diego was the only home I know. At least I wasn’t moving in the middle of the school year, it was June. I know it is going to be hard, but I am ready to take on whatever challenges come from moving.




“So, Amber, seeing as there isn’t much else to do on this long drive, I’ll tell you about my job and where we are going to be living. Here, I brought you a state map so you can see where it is. See Rose Lake? It is in Rose Lake Stake Park, in Lakeview Township. We-”



“Township? I interrupted. “A township? What is a township?”



“It’s just a word for a small town.” Dad explained to me.



“Define small.” I demanded.



“If I remember correctly, Lakeview has a population of about 1200 people.” Dad informed me. 1200 people? That’s all?



“As I was saying, we are going to be living in the state park, because I will need to work a lot and it will save on commute. The house is beautiful! It’s nicer than the house in San Diego. It is all wood, with a loft bedroom. That is going to be your room. Your room has an upstairs balcony, with sliding glass doors. It’s about as big as half the house, _____. There is a stairway that goes down into the living room; the wall is like one big window, which is as high as 2 stories. I have a really big office where I can do my work at home, and the bathroom is next to that, them me and your mom’s room. The kitchen is after that, and a dining area that is like a gazebo, there are windows on all sides that are open to the rest of the house. You’ll have to see it. Now I will tell you about my job. The government wants to expand the park, and they have hired me to do the planning. After the planning is done, I will be in charge of the maintenance of the state park area. There is a school in town, where you will go when school starts up. From what I hear, there are lots of other teens for you to make friends with. You have your laptop and your car charger, and a wi-fi. You can do some research and see some other things about Maine, if you want to.”



“Maybe I’ll just see if Nicole is online,” I responded annoyed. Hey, she is.



Me: hey Nicole, I thought I’d talk to you seeing as I probably won’t be able to for a long time.

Nicole: what do you mean ‘you won’t be able to talk to me’?

Me: well, dad was just telling me about our new house and where it is, I think it is a log cabin in the middle of nowhere. I don’t know if it has phone, internet, or TV or anything.

Nicole: ask him.



“Hey Dad, does the new house have internet and phone and TV and stuff?” I asked.



“Of course it does _____. Its all really high-tech fast stuff too, high speed internet, satellite TV and phone.” He told me.



“Color TV?” My dad said managed a ‘yes’ despite laughing so hard.




After six days of traveling, we finally reached Maine. I was sleeping in the car, I fell asleep in Massachusetts, but dad woke me up as we pulled in the driveway. It was early that morning. I saw our house. Instead of a log cabin, there stood a wood house, just like dad had described it to me. I saw the balcony, and the sliding doors. I saw the front porch, and a door with a latticed window in it, and lots of trees. Everywhere. I have never seen so many trees in one place in my entire life. The park manager was there waiting for us to arrive and move in.



“You want to go inside?” Dad asked me.


     “Yeah, I suppose.” I walked into the house and saw the inside. It was just like dad had described to me. The house was half-full, some things were included with the house. From there I walked into the kitchen and from there to the dining room, then to the bathroom and dad’s awesome office.


After I was done exploring downstairs I headed upstairs to my loft bedroom. Was it really as big as half the house? After I opened my door, there was no doubt about that. There was already a bed, dresser, and a vanity in the room. At the end of the bed was a box.  I would probably replace them with my things. The ceiling fan blades were shaped like leaves. There were windows on the side of the wall where the sliding door was, and skylights in the roof. 



“_____, you want to help unpack down here?” dad yelled up to me.



“Yeah, whatever,” I said unwillingly as I walked down the stairs.



The next two weeks went kinda slow, just bringing everything in and figuring out where to put what. We had to decide what to put in storage because some furniture was already in the house. I wanted all of my things from San Diego, but my dresser was too big to get up the stairs to the loft, so I ended up using all of what was already in the house. The bed was bigger than the one I had before, anyway. I had set up my room as best as I could, but ultimately it just wasn’t the same. I guess you could say life was somewhat normal, besides living in a vast untamed wilderness that is.




Since the last few weeks we have been surviving off of sandwiches and pizza from the Lakeview Corner Store, it was high time for my parents to go grocery shopping. I would have been perfectly content to stay home and use my computer with the internet. But dad insisted that I should get out and see the town I would be living in from now on. He could make me go, but I was waiting in the car. All of a sudden I heard a huge thump on the side of the car, and then a “sorry!”  There was a field next to where we had parked, and some kids were playing baseball. The boy that was trying to catch the ball hadn’t seen our car and had run right into it.



My parents walked out of the store about an hour later with a seriously overloaded shopping cart in tow. I got out so that I could help load the groceries into the back of our SUV. 15 minutes later we pulled into our driveway.



“I just love it here. I could see us living here for the rest of our lives, don’t you?” Mom asked Dad. Was she serious? Here? Ha, maybe in HER mind we live here. As for me, I am bolting as soon as I can.



I stormed up to my room as soon as I helped put everything away. I put on my swim clothes and headed down to the lake. Thankfully I lived on the edge of the lake, the last thing I needed was to get lost in the woods on top of everything else.



At first I thought I could walk straight down from my house, but as I got closer I realized there was a slight cliff, not that big, but not small enough to get down by that route. I started walking back to the house when I noticed a path. It probably led the way down, so I followed it.



The path went through the woods a ways, and as I thought it led to the lake. However, it did not bring me to where I thought I would be. The house was not in sight. Not caring at the moment, for I could always follow the path back home, I sat on the shore and watched the waves lap at the shore. Looking to the horizon, there were some islands, and I could faintly see the other side of the lake. Rose Lake was one of the larger lakes in this state, so my dad says. Boats skimmed across the surface of the water.



I started to walk in. The water was much colder than it was in San Diego this time of year. How cold would it get come wintertime? After waiting for my body temperature to adjust to water, I waded in some more. Standing around waiting for something never appealed to me, so eventually I just dived in all the way. It wasn’t so bad after a few minutes actually.




The water was very calming on my nerves. All the stress seemed to melt away to another dimension. I closed my eyes and felt the warm sun on my face. By this time, I had gone pretty far from the shore, and I could see the landscape features clearly. I could see my house now, a single home dotting the untamed wilderness of Rose Lake State Park.



I swam inshore, underneath some trees hanging over the water. It was surprisingly deep here, despite being so close to the edge. I couldn’t touch bottom. I just sat there, floating in the water. It was so relaxing.



Suddenly, I was pulled under by an unknown force. I whirled around in the water to attack this entity. I surfaced, gasping for breath and looking to see what happened. A boy about my age was there, laughing, but soon stopped.



“Uhh...oh. Sorry. I thought you were someone else.” He said.



“Oh really?” I retorted. Getting pulled under the water was not my idea of fun.



“I meant to pull a friend under. Sorry.” He said again. He looked so familiar. Had I met him, or seen him, before? Suddenly it came to me; he was the one who ran into our car earlier that day.



“I know you! You ran into our car this morning in town!” I exclaimed.



“Oh….. that was you? Heh heh, that doesn’t usually happen.” He looked nervous.



“Uh, yeah. It was. It’s ok though, the worst that happened was it jumped me a bit.”



“Ok, good.” He looked relieved. “I’m Nick. What’s your name?”



“_____.” I told him.



“Cool name.” he replied. “You live close by then?”



“Right up at that house.” I said pointing in the general direction.



“At the conservation house? So your dad is the new park planner?” he seemed very curious now.



“Umm, yeah. Is that significant?”



“The new planning has been something the town has had in mind for years, but never has been able to do. I guess everyone is just excited it’s finally getting done.”

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Re: A Brand New World (Any ideas on different names??)
« Reply #1 on: April 20, 2011, 03:21:52 PM »
Okay, you asked for my questions so here goes!


1. Why do you blank out the characters name? Is it because this is a true story?

2. Is there something magical about the trunk?

3. What kind of person just dunks someone under without making sure it's the right person?!?!

4. Is Nick a ghost?
Meh.


Aldrea2011

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Re: A Brand New World (Any ideas on different names??)
« Reply #2 on: April 20, 2011, 03:25:35 PM »
Ok, heres the answers.

1. I blanked it out because I am stuck as to a character name.

2. Do you mean the box at the end of her bed? The box is just a box. For now.

3. He did it on purpose, but he lied. Revealed later in the story.

4. He is a very real person, not a ghost.
« Last Edit: April 20, 2011, 03:27:27 PM by Kayla »

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Re: A Brand New World (Any ideas on different names??)
« Reply #3 on: April 20, 2011, 03:28:37 PM »
Cool. By the way, you already named her Amber, it's in the fourth mini-paragraph at the begining of the story.
Meh.


Aldrea2011

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Re: A Brand New World (Any ideas on different names??)
« Reply #4 on: April 20, 2011, 03:30:03 PM »
Yeah, but then I wanted to change that. Might stay with that if I still cant think of anything.

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Re: A Brand New World (Any ideas on different names??)
« Reply #5 on: July 09, 2011, 10:55:26 PM »
"Amber" is cool.

Factual nit-picks: 

- 1200 is enough to make a decent-sized town in Maine.  The City of Eastport is only 1500.   A very small town (small enough for anarchic direct democracy) is called a "plantation," a municipal term that dates back to the Massachusetts Bay days and which is now unique to Maine.

Inland Maine has hot, humid summers.  Not Southwest hot, but quite warm compared to San Diego.  The forecast for Farmington shows highs of 75-85 this week.  The water temperature depends on depth and how much sun it gets, but I'd guess about 70 degrees-ish for summer.  Maybe a bit warmer.  Comparable to San Diego, actually. 

Winter's gonna be brutal, though.

On the other hand, a week is a reasonable length for the road-trip.  And, yes, the typical Maine lakeshore is a little bluff held together with cedar and hemlock roots.

Okay, that stuff out of the way, let's read!

First, I love what I've read premise-wise.  Culture-shock makes for a fun emotional setting, in my book.  It also means that you can introduce the reader and the character to the setting at the same time.

"I am moving..." -- You've shifted tense to present.  I think this "historical present" (as it's called--it's pretty common in other languages but rare in English.) works in this case, but other readers might disagree. 

Dialog attribution:

Brian Jacques can go for chapters without using "say."  But, be careful.   The replacement is not more vivid verbs.  The replacement is to combine dialog with a small amount of "body-language" action.  You're doing this in some spots and it's working.

"Say" and "ask" are good whenever you need to identify a character (keep things non-confusing), but don't have any action to mention.  Anything else draws attention to itself, so only use them when the story calls for 'em.

"Dad explained to me." is bad.  You just showed me explaining; telling me just breaks the flow.  Ditto "interrupted."  Perhaps the best--

"Hey, this is how you show interruption!" a voice cried.

There are some copy-bugs about punctuating dialog attribution, but I'm not going to dig in at this stage.

Diction: Nick doesn't sound like a Mainer to me.  I'm not saying that you should try to re-create the accent in text (I don't, mostly because it looks ugly), but word-choice might need a little fine-tuning.  Unfortunately, I can't write a complete guide on how to "talk Mainer," (besides saying that we contract a lot) but here's what sticks out at me:

"I meant to pull a friend under.  My bad."  Definitely a youth expression, and not specifically Mainer, but just feels right here.  Not a "gangster" expression, but is a little non-conformist.

All in all, I don't know if you'll continue, but I've enjoyed it so far and I'd like to hear more.

"You live around here?"  "Around here/there."  "Close to (a specific location)."  Not "close by."

The last line's a problem, because it's just not culturally normal to be that open with someone from away.  At the least, it needs to be more taciturn:

"People've been talking about expanding the park for years.  Looks like it might happen this time."

Kony 2012
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Aldrea2011

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Re: A Brand New World (Any ideas on different names??)
« Reply #6 on: September 15, 2011, 11:41:43 PM »
I know what Maine is like :P I live in Maine. I've lived in Maine my whole life XD and so haven't my parents.


Thank you for that! That was very well thought out. I'll be sure to use it.

However, this was the first story I ever started writing. I've done well over 30 now, or at least started them. Looking back now, I see so much I can change in this story. I'll have to get working on it as soon, but right now there's another one that people have pretty much threatened my life unless I finish writing.

Nick probably doesn't sound Mainer, I mean everyone says I sound Midwest, which is kinda weird to me. And writers usually rub off on their characters, right? I mean at least a little bit.
« Last Edit: September 15, 2011, 11:45:21 PM by Dr. Pepper »