Author Topic: The adventures of Brayorn-Atelmill-Lahar  (Read 1108 times)

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Offline Acalio-Laron-Jaham

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The adventures of Brayorn-Atelmill-Lahar
« on: December 23, 2009, 05:10:08 AM »
<My name is Brayorn-Atelmill-Lahar.
I am an Andalite warrior,
and this is my story.>

Yeerks. They were spreading across the galaxy like an unstoppable plague. So far, it is only we Andalites, their sworn enemy, who actively stand against them and their aims for total galactic conquest. The yeerks are a race of parasitic beings who enter into the brains of other sentient species via the ear canal and then wrapping their filthy, slimy body into all crevices of the brain thus granting total and complete control over the body which they take. These infested bodies would now be known as controllers. I was a warrior on board the dome ship GalaxyBlade and we were on route to a strange and mysterious planet of a species called the Maradians. Not much is known of these Maradians, but recently our military intelligence intercepted an encrypted yeerk transmission. We were able to break the security block and decipher the message, discovering that the yeerks were already beginning to invade the Maradian home world.

I was in my quarters gratefully pacing back and forth. I was aboard the Domeship GalaxyBlade heading towards the Maradian planet, on my first real potential battle mission as a warrior. Our ships mission was to assess the yeerk threat and progress on the planet and assist the natives in resisting and defeating the yeerks there. Standard quarters aboard the GalaxyBlade were quite spacious, since the ships interior was based on a new design. In our old dome ships, a warrior’s quarters were already quite spacious, but the GalaxyBlades warrior quarters were twice the size of the average Domeship’s version.  Of course, the aristh’s quarters were pitifully small, whilst the Princes and the Captains quarters were so large that you could practically go into a full gallop in there. I trotted towards the window, staring out at the blank whiteness of Z-Space. The GalaxyBlades new design had the comfort of its passengers in mind, and every single quarter was given large window made of tichromium alloy, a metal that could be made transparent or opaque via electrical signals rearranging its molecules. <Commencing Re-entry into normal Space in 5 seconds> the dull ships computer generated thought speak announced. And then after a brief flash, the outside my window was suddenly turned from the dull gray/white backdrop of z-space into the vibrant blackness of normal space filled with brilliant specs of stars and planets.

I felt hungry so I left my quarters and headed for the dome. The dome was where we fed and spend a lot of our recreational time. It is basically a massive wide open park complete with trees, running streams and 17 species of grass flavours.  The soil, grass and tree seeds were all taken directly from our homeworld whilst the dome was being constructed, so it is literally taking our home – andalite soil - with us wherever we go, much to the chagrin of the yeerks. You see, traveling on a dome ship on a mission in deep space can take a very long time; it would mostly be months or more commonly, years, before we completed a mission and are able return back home. That, and the unpredictability of Zero-space doesn’t help either. Sometimes, a Z-space trip that would take mere day one day could take a year the following day. As I turned around the corner of the hallway of my private quarter’s sector, I saw two faces glancing towards my direction.

I made a small smile with my eyes. It was my two comrades, Galahar and Tollay, both of whom were in the same grade as me at the academy. We had graduated from being an aristh to a warrior together in the previous year, and I was very grateful to be assigned on a domeship mission with at least two familiar faces.  <Hey! Brayorn! Over here!> Tollay called out unnecessarily. I had already seen them and was anxious to speak with them. <Hey Brayorn, did you hear about the landing mission? The planet surface task forces have already been selected and each warrior has already been assigned. It’s posted on ships info-link.> Tollay asked. I stared blankly. The info-link was a new information and announcements system where any sort of information regarding our missions, duties and so on is sent directly to us. Each person has their own personal link and message bank, and we were obligated to check them at least twice every day. I however, have never really bothered. I guess I am old fashioned, and prefer to be told by my officer or prince in person during our daily unit briefings, when we were normally told of our duties and any new information there. Apparently, the new info-link system is going to phase out the daily group briefings held by our princes, or so the rumours have it.

As soon as he saw my blank expression, Tollay rolled his eyes. <Brayorn, they invented the info-link system for a reason, you know.  You should try checking it once in a while. We are required to check it at least twice a day. You actually checking once a week would be a miracle.> I felt slightly guilty at his comments. Since we boarded the Domeship 7 months ago for this mission, I had rarely bothered to check my info-link. One time I did and found over 200 missed and unread messages from my friends inviting me to games of driftball or fight training or just to generally socialize. I had spent most of my free time so far in combat simulations training and the tail fighting classes to keep my skills honed. <I do check it....every now and then..it’s just that I prefer to receive the orders for my duties in person at the briefings.> I replied. It was the truth. But I did not know what to say about the social invites. Tollay made a small smile. <You’re so old fashioned, Brayorn. You’ve always been. So, do you want to hear the news or what?> he asked.  I looked at him puzzled, and then over to Galahar, who suddenly burst with excitement. <Brayorn, we’ve already been assigned! We’ve checked our info-links just now and our unit Huld-Warra 3 has been assigned to be on one of the first planetary surface landings!> Galahar piratically yelled, his excitement and awe barely contained.        
Now I was definitely surprised and excited. We were going into our first potential real life combat situation!

I should explain about our units. Huld-Warra 3 was the name of my unit. Each unit was made up of 50 warriors, lead by a combat-officer. There are 10 of the Huld-Warra class units. All 10 together would make up the Huld-Warra brigade, lead by a prince. When there is a major battle, we would join with 4 other brigades to make 5 which would then be a division, as a division is comprised of 5 brigades. And then, if it is needed, 2 divisions would combine to become a battalion, and all and battalions divisions and battalions are lead by War-princes and their various officers. There are a total of 10 battalions aboard a Domeship – one whole entire fleet. And in charge of this all would be the fleets supreme force commander, and then the ship’s captain and so forth. My unit, the Huld-Warra class is a specialised terrain combat force. We specialise in ground infantry roles as opposed to our fighter pilot counterparts. But of course, it is a requirement for all Andalite warriors to be able to pilot a fighter, and I am confident that I could match any fighter pilots in a flight competition.  


So peoples, what do you think?  :D I  have got some big plans for this fanfic, but am not sure if anyone would be interested in reading it, so i decided to post these first couple of chapters first. If there's interest than I will continue it. It would be an adventure on the Maradian homeworld experienced by a rookie andalite warrior Brayorn. I want some feedback, and you can post right here on this thread. Hope to hear from you guys soon, and thank you in advance for your time and reading. ;)  

« Last Edit: December 23, 2009, 05:20:42 AM by Acalio-Laron-Jaham »

Offline Terenia

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Re: The adventures of Brayorn-Atelmill-Lahar
« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2010, 12:31:15 PM »
Great start. There are a few grammatical errors, and some repetitiveness. Additionally, the chapter ends a bit abruptly. Otherwise it's a good beginning, though, and I look forward to reading more.

A word of advice. Some of the lines look as if they are lifted straight from The Andalite Chronicles, with just a few words changed around. I know that that is the main source for background information on life on a Dome Ship, but try to avoid keeping the language similar. You want it to read like it's your story, in your voice, not a re-hashed version of something KA wrote. :)

That's all I got. Great job! Can't wait for chapter two!

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Offline Galladerotom

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Re: The adventures of Brayorn-Atelmill-Lahar
« Reply #2 on: January 04, 2010, 10:53:38 PM »
Not bad. I have seen some other fanfics that were absoutley terrible. This is not one of them
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