Things the Animorphs (and other characters) would never say

[NothingFromSomething]

Ah, the 90's.    Before the Apocalypse happened.

*Old person raving, drops dentures in a glass of water, yells I Like Ike*

[NateSean]

^You may have misread. This is things they would NEVER say. Ax would totally use ****

You should honestly spend some time reading the backlog of this thread if you think that was off topic.

On topic:

Visser Three: Well, Edriss, you're so knowledgeable of the human condition, how is it you missed this clever invasion tactic? Earth was ours in a matter of days.

Visser One: I have to hand it to you Esplin, infesting Evan Williams, Jack Dorsey, Noah Glass, and Biz Stone was pure genius.

[SmartGirl333]

I wasn't saying that Ax using memes wasn't /funny/. I just said that it didn't fit with the feel of this thread. because it's something he totally would do </offtopic>

[Tim Bruening]

I went with pandas because they were the most rubbish animals I could think of. Perhaps I shouldn't have given that one to Marco though.

Rachael: Let's attack the Yeerks in Delta Smelt morph!


Governor Brown: Send the water police to arrest the Yeerks for using so much water in their gigantic pools!

[TheWolfEmperor]

Well, I couldn't think of anything else to contribute just yet, so I thought I'd bring this one in to 2016.

My name is Terry. Jake beat me in basketball. Then I took a shower. Then I went to art class. Then I went to math class. Later I went home and had a sandwich. I said hello to my mother, who came home from work to make dinner.

The End.

[guitarhero01234]

Juan and Terry are the best characters ever. I think I came up with some ridiculous theory claiming they were the things that caused Jake's dream in book 41 with some absolutely insane logic.

Anyway, just came up with something. Apologies if it's as unfunny as I think it is.

Jake: Hey, Ax-man, you want to get some Cinnabon with us?
Ax: I am not feeling hungry, Prince Jake.
Jake: Oh, alright. And don't call me prince.
Ax: Okay.

[TheWolfEmperor]

Works for me.

 

[TheWolfEmperor]

Erik: We were travelling at faster than light speeds while the Andalites were making fire.

Ax: Wait a second... you're super advanced. You don't like violence. You have infiltrated the Yeerk invasion. So... why did you leave me in a ship at the bottom of the ocean for several weeks?

Erik: Er, ah, that will all be answered in good time.

Marco: No, I think you can answer that now.

Jake: Yeah, that seems fair, since we very nearly died trying to save Ax.

Marco: Twice.

Erik: Oh, well I mean, we didn't know exactly where Ax's dome ship landed so,

Marco: But the Yeerks found it almost as soon as we did.

Erik: Well, we couldn't reveal ourselves to you.

Ax: Who said anything about revealing yourself? You could have projected a hologram onto a completely different part of the ocean and distracted the Yeerks while my friends helped me escape.

Erik: But, we're passive and don't interfere with war-

Marco: Bull! You want us to risk life and limb over a stupid crystal! You sure don't mind sending us to do your dirty work.

Jake: Come on guys, lets get out of here. The only way the Chee could ever be useful is if we manipulated them into killing the Yeerks.

Erik: Pfft, like that will ever happen.

[TobiasMasonPark]

     Esplin 9466: We're going to make the Yeerks Empire great again. The Old Empire was good. I liked it. You all liked it. Then some things happened. The Empire lost its way. We're gonna do some big things here. Me? I like big things. You know who doesn't like big things? Visser One. You know why the Yeerk Empire is capital Y and E? Because Yeerks are Excellent. I mean that. I really, really do. We're gonna build a wall. And we're gonna make the Hork-Bajir build it. We're gonna make the Empire great again.

     

[NothingFromSomething]

Haha.    And Sanders the free-loading Taxxon.

[TobiasMasonPark]

     Tom's Yeerk: I'm sorry Esplin. But Hederick Chapman's my friend.

     Esplin 9466: (intensely) So was I.

     *Coming this Summer: Yeerk Empire--Civil War.

     *Edit for Tim.

[NothingFromSomething]

Visser Stank.  Or something.

[TobiasMasonPark]

The Chapman Chronicles, as indirectly requested by Poparena.
   
   *Visser Three is shopping at the 711. He is standing behind a blind blonde woman.*

     Esplin: wait...excuse me, miss, do we know each other?

     Loren: um...I don't know. I'm blind.

     Esplin: yea, I'm sure we do...Taxxon homeworld, early 1970s. You were with a blue centaur named Elfangor. Yellow mustang? You foiled my plans.

     Loren: nope. Not ringing a bell.

     Esplin: sure we did! It was an unforgettable adventure. I even gained my Andalite host body. And Chapman was there...

     Loren: who?

     Esplin: wait a second...

     *Esplin starts having flashbacks:

     *Animorphs 46: the Deception.

     Esplin: Hey...Chapman...why are you here?

     Chapman: oh, you know. Vice Principal stuff.

     Esplin: on a war ship?

     Chapman: yea...the Admiral's report on George Washing  is like, super over due...

     Esplin: I guess that makes sense...

     *Animorphs 39: the Hidden*

     Esplin: Wait, isn't it a school day? Why are you here and not there?

     Chapman: oh...uh...that Buffalo's paper on George Washington is like, Super over-due...

     Esplin: makes sense...

     *Animorphs 31: the Conspiracy*

     Esplin: wait...why do you want to gun down Tom's dad? I could easily get any other Yeerk to do it...

      Chapman: oh...uh...Mr. Berenson's report on George Washington is like, super over-due...

     Esplin: makes sense.

      *Hork-Bajir Chronicles*

       Esplin: hey, what's that ugly two-legged creature over there?

      Chapman: oh...uh...Dak Hamee's report on George Washington is like, super over-due...

      Esplin: makes sense.

      Radom Yeerk: what's a George Washington?

     *Back in the Present.*

     Esplin: my God...This whole time!

     *Esplin runs past Loren, knocking her over. He barges into Chapman's office only to find it empty...

     Esplin: I should have known he wouldn't be here. But one day. One day I will get you.

     *Chapman watches from the deepest part of time-space, smiling. He morphs into the One.*

     Chapman: One day, old friend. One day. Until then, all that shall be has been set in motion.

     Ellimist: hey, aren't you the Animorphs' vice-principal?

     Chapman: oh, uh...Crayak's report on George Washington is like, super over-due.

     Ellimist: Ah. Makes sense.


     

[TobiasMasonPark]

     *The Animorphs enter Cassie's barn, back from a more or less successful mission.*

     Jake: Man, that was a tough one.

     Marco: I didn't think there could be so much blood.

     Rachel: Tobias, that was a great move you pulled back there:

     Tobias: raking them in the eyes. Works everytime.

     *A man enters wearing an official looking suit.

     Jake: who are you?

     Man: Phil Coulson. I work for an organization called S.H.I.E.L.D. I have an offer for you.

     Marco: you mean as in...like, THE S.H.I.E.L.D?

     Coulson: we've kept an eye on you. We think the, uh, Animorphs could do a world of good.

     Jake: uh...thanks for the offer. But we're kinda tied up with something.

     Coulson: the Yeerks. Yea, don't worry. That's nothing. Small potatoes compared to what's coming.

     *Coulson's phone rings. He reads a text.*

     Coulson: Sorry, here's my card.

     Marco: where are you going?

     Coulson: Got a see a kid about a Dome.

     Jake: *Looks down at the Card* Did we just get purchased by Disney?



     

[TobiasMasonPark]

     If Animorphs was written in 2016.

     Animorphs 1: the Privilege.

     *Jake meets up with the Animorphs at Cassie's barn.*

     Marco: hey, Jake, what's up.

     Jake: what's that on your head?

     Marco: what, this? They call it a man bun. It's the new thing.

     Jake: that looks disgusting.

     Cassie: Jake, I've decided that we're going to be vegans from now on, because eating anything with a face is murder, and murder is bad, and you have to do what I say or I'll break up with you.

     Jake: are we even together?

     Cassie: you swiped right on my Tinder.

     Jake: so?

     Ax: #swiperight.

     Marco: you don't just swipe right, Jake. That's commitment.

     Jake: what? No. Tinder is for young sexy singles looking for some fun. This isn't OkCupid.

     Ax: #wastehertime2016.

     Tobias: (flies into the barn) So, I've decided that in addition to being a human inside of a hawk, descended from an Andalite that might be the descendent of a nearly omnipotent being who is, in actuality, a crystal hugging bird thing, I'm also a Native American.

     Ax: #thestruggle is real. #neverforget.

    Jake: Tobias...you can't decide to be a Native American. That's trivializing the struggles of a great as noble people just to get attention...

     Tobias: I'm also identifying as the colour blue.

     Ax: #early2000sthings

     Jake: you can't identify as a colour!

     Tobias: the door, Jake! Check your privilege at the door.

     Ax: #firstworldproblems. #whitepeopleissues.

    Cassie: guys. We haven't talked about the fact that I'm vegan for a whole ten minutes!

     Rachel: (comes in dressed as the American flag.I've decided that I'm voting for Trump in the upcoming election.

     Marco: You know that I'm part Hispanic. Why would you do that?

     Ax: #makeamericagreatagain.

     Rachel: Your people are simultaneously taking American jobs while also being incredibly lazy.

     Tobias: I'm also identifying as Mexican.

     David: random cameo. Ok, see ya.

     Ax: Prince Jake. I've recently discovered the wonders of Instagram. Here are many photos of delicious food.


     Jake: But there's no food in this picture...

     Ax: because I ate it. It is in my tummy. #I'mtotesadorbs.

     Tom: (walks in with a man bun) hey guys, what chu sayin?

     Jake: WHAT IS THAT THING ON YOIR HEAD?!

     Tom: that would be my Yeerk. And he has feelings. Imperialist, heteronotmative cis gendered white boy.

     Jake: but...the Yeerks are imperial--

     All: check your privilege, Jake!