(If this isn't the right place for this, feel free to relocate it.)
Twilight:
Reading Twilight
So wait....this book series is called a "saga"? Why? A saga is a story that follows a long heroic achievement. What in the world is the heroic achievement here? I guess we'll find out. Saga also implies vikings. I demand more vikings.
I have decided to post a review every 3 chapters. Just finished traversing my way through the first three chapters. Got myself a notebook handy so I can jot down thoughts and notes as I go. Are you ready to begin? Well, there will be an adverb count per chapter. I'm too lazy to count the adverbs myself, so the numbers are gotten from another source. There will be a clutz count, and there will be a tally of how many times Edward is described.
Preface:
Right away I'll start with the dedication. The book is dedicated to the author's sister Emily. Apparently without her enthusiasm, this story would have been unfinished. Now we know who to blame. Emily...this is all your fault.
The preface is given to us by Bella of the future. Apparently if she had never moved to Forks she would not be currently facing death at the moment. But we'll have to wait to find out more about that.
"I have never given much thought to how I would die." - I imagine through out this vikingless saga, my mind will think of nothing else.
And apparently vicious killers saunter. Um...since when?
Chapter 1
*Adverb count: 54
*Edward adjective count: 8
*Clutz count: 1
Bella is moving from Phoenix, AZ to Forks, Washington. This is apparently a move that she greatly resents for reasons not disclosed to us. We learn that Bella has that quirky family only found in stories of this caliber: her mom is scatterbrained and relies on Bella for day to day things, her dad is distant and referred to by his first name. Which is Charlie, by the way.
Bella complains about the amount of rain in Forks. I checked this: the average rainfall in Forks is 121 inches per year. Most of the rain falls between April and December.
There is much feeling of animosity towards Forks. I'm not exactly sure why.
What's this? Bella is from Phoenix, AZ with pale, flawless skin?! SHUN! Shun her now! Gosh, it must be such a burden to have perfect skin. But never mind that because she's from Arizona and pale. Clearly there is something wrong with this woman.
Your endearing character flaws for the next four books will be: anti-social and clutzy! Enjoy.
Are there really high schools where people in the office show you the best route to get to classes? Cuz they sure didn't do that for me.
Bella is in the school for, I swear, less than an hour and practically the entire student body wants to be her friend! I'm sorry, but this never occurs in real life. Bella is anti-social and cold, why does everyone want to be her BFF suddenly?
Page 18 = first sparkle sighting. And here the author dedicates nearly 3 pages to describing the perfect, pale, dark eyed, statuesque, supermodel Cullen family.
"Devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful" o_O
It is at this point in the cafeteria (pg 22) that the glaring from Edward begins. This troubles Bella. She sits next to him later in biology class and he apparently can't stand her smell. He's clenching his fist and leaning away from her like she just ripped one. At the end of class, Edward can't get out of there fast enough.
"The boy I've never met or talked to was so mean to me! It's not fair!!!!"
Chapter 2
*Adverb count: 92
*Edward adjective count: 7
*Clutz count: 1
The next day, the Cullens aren't in school and Bella spends the day looking for Edward. Despite the fact that he sent her into panic attacks only the previous day. Suddenly this has become Waiting for Gedou.
We learn that, to add to his many quirks, Charlie also does not know how to cook. So Bella takes on the task of cooking. To add on to what we learn of Bella's family life: Mom is traveling with Bella's stepdad because plays minor league baseball. It is also pointed out that he does not play very well. Oh for crying out loud! Can we add any more flaws to show that this isn't a perfect family? How much more stereotypical can we get?
We also learn that vampires prefer to drive shiny new Volvos.
I noticed that while Edward is not in school, Bella seems to act....almost...hum an! She's not a complete be-otch to the people who are trying to be nice to her. She talks to them at lunch and everything! Then Edward comes back to school and sends all that spiraling to Hell.
Eddie actually speaks to Bella in biology class. He went from trying to run away and transfer classes to attempting to be civil. This is where we learn about why exactly Bella moved to Forks. We also learn she hates snow.
Chapter 3:
*Adverb count: 39
*Edward adjective count: 3
*Clutz count: 1
The chapter begins and it is icy outside. That could only serve to increase the clutz factor by 20, I'm sure. Bella later discovers that Charlie put snow chains on her tires for her.
While arriving at school, Bella is nearly squashed by a van slipping on the ice. What? Does the person driving usually drive through the parking lot at 60 miles per hour? I mean, what in the world was he doing?
Edward is far away, yet somehow manages to be right next to Bella in order to stop the van with his bare hands.
Bella: Thank you, Hammer man, I don't think I can explain how important it was that you stopped the van! I would be splattered, I'd be crushed into debris! Thank you, sir, for saving me!
Edward: Not at all! A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do!
Meanwhile, across the parking lot, the fellow Cullens disapprove of rescue.
No, it doesn't play out like that. Bella, Edward, Tyler (one driving the van), Charlie and half the school go to the emergency room. Bella is fine and Edward becomes a jerk as he denies Bella's claims that he was on other side of the parking lot when the van was sliding towards her.
I noticed that everyone is concerned about Bella, who seems annoyed that people care, and no one really gives 2 shakes about the bloodied up guy who was driving the van. Poor Tyler. No love.
In closing: Bella: I hate people who care about me!!!
Creepers and Cold Ones (vampires, not beer)
Today's installment brings us chapters 4-6 in which Edward becomes increasingly creepier, we meet Jacob and get a story.
Chapter 4:
*Adverb count: 55
*Edward adjective count: 4
*Clutz count: 2
The chapter starts out with having a dream in which Edward is walking away from her. She chases after him and yells his name but he neither hears nor acknowledges her. So...this feeling shouldn't be new, huh? Oh wait, if that were the case it would be fair, would it?
So after the accident in the parking lot, Tyler is following Bella around trying to make up for nearly turning her into a pale pancake. But you may recall that Bella hates attention and those who care.
Edward has once again gone to being a complete jerk in class by sitting as far away as possible and not talking to her. This boy has some crazy mood swings, we need to get him some medication for that.
Dear Edward's behavior gives Bella the notion that he regrets saving her from becoming said pale pancake. Bella's pining over Edward is apparently making Mike jealous. I'm not entirely sure why, she hardly gives Mike the time of day. Forget Jacob or Edward. Go with Mike.
The drama feature of this chapter is the upcoming "girl's choice" dance. Isn't that a Sadie Hawkins? Can't we just call it that? Point of the drama is that Mike is expecting Bella to ask him to the dance.
However, Bella being the clutz she is, breaks out into a sweat at the mere thought of dancing. She calls it a "safety hazard". She is that afraid of causing herself and others physical harm just by dancing. Or is it deeper than that? Every time Bella dances, God kills a puppy?
Later in bio class, Edward speaks to Bella in order to tell her that they shouldn't be friends. Um...were they friends to begin with? And this apparently ruins her whole day. *facepalm* Not this again. And apparently Bella has heard the "we can't be friends line" before. Really? Bella actually had friends?
So in order to avoid her multiple dance partner hopefuls, Bella lies and says that she will be going to Seattle at the same time. At this point: 3 guys have expressed interest in accompanying Bella to the dance.
Bella starts to try to hook up the other members of the Bella Fan Club. She tries to convince Jessica to ask Mike to the dance and then tries to convince Mike to say yes. This is where the story about Seattle comes up.
"I wasn't interesting" - pg. 72. Yeah go with that feeling.
And on page 82, I'm certain Edward is displaying signs of multiple personality disorder and Bella agrees with me.
Page 74 is amazing! Simply because Bella has a fleeting moment of clarity and intelligence where, after seeing Edward stare at her yet again, she states that her obsession over Edward isn't healthy.
Edward then declares that Bella needs to stay far, far away from him and that he'll see her later in class. Oh and by the way would she go to Seattle with him?
o_O
Chapter 5:
*Adverb count: 57
*Edward adjective count: 8
*Clutz count: 1
Bella goes to school and is extremely disappointed that Edward is not there. But wait! He's there. He's just sitting at his own table all by himself. Bella, naturally, has to go talk to him.
Here on page 88 is where the creepy transformation to a stalker begins in earnest.
Edward states that it's "healthy to ditch" every so often. Surely there must be a reason for this philosophy!
Well, whadya know? The lab in bio class is blood typing! Involving the process of the students sticking themselves with a needle to draw blood. This brings out yet another "endearing" character flaw in dear Bella. She faints at the sight of blood. Of course she does.
Mike volunteers to take Bella out to the nurse. On the way, Edward magically shows up and offers to take her. Mike jumps on the defensive and whines that he is supposed to be the one. Edward picks up Bella and just carries her away. When Mike leads someone else into the nurse's office, Edward tells Bella to get out and she knows because she can, apparently, smell blood.
Edward charms the nurse into getting permission to take Bella home. Bella insists that she is ok to drive herself, but Edward insists otherwise.
I'm beginning to get concerned about Edward's varying moods. He is all over the map. In one instant he's trying to avoid Bella, the next he's chatting away, then he's back to avoidance.
Bella is becoming angry about getting played by Edward and finally confronts him about it! You go, girl! And what does Edward do? He changes the subject. *facepalm*
Apparently Bella is unable to take care of herself. "I'm the only one who can take care of you! Get in the car."
We get yet another reminder from Edward to Bella of how dangerous he is, and he says this while grinning the whole time.
"You can't handle this review by yourself! Get in the car, I'll drive."
Chapter 6:
*Adverb count: 62
*Edward adjective count: 0
*Clutz count: 2
The only reason why the Edward adjective count is 0 is quiet simple. Edward didn't appear in this chapter.
Bella is depressed because Edward is not at school with the rest of the group. Lauren seems very bitter about the fact that Bella has been seen with Edward.
It seems that a group of people, including the Bella Posse, are going to a beach at the local reservation. La Push. Charlie approves of the outing, it has the seal of approval and all.
So we have a party at the beach! And this is where we're introduced to Jacob Black. Who is also described as having "beautiful skin". Did everyone in Forks come straight out of a skin moisturizer commercial? Jacob's age is described as either 14 or 15. Bella is 17, if I haven't mentioned that yet.
We learn that the Cullens don't do trips to the beach. Jacob then does his Hagrid impersonation with an "I wasn't supposed to tell you that" line.
Jacob reveals that the Cullens don't come to the beach because they aren't allowed on the reservation.
I can't believe that Bella was trying to "smoulder" at Jacob. The stringing along starts now!
Well it's story time boys and girls! Time to learn some Quileute legend. Apparently the Quileute are descended from wolves. There was a Noah's ark type thing where they survived in their canoes. That stuff right there? Actually accurate. I know! Don't pass out. The "cold ones" are their enemies. However, in the time of Jacob's great-grandfather, there was a pack in the area that didn't hunt like the others.
The Cullens, Jacob reveals, are the exact same "cold ones" that Jacob's great-grandfather met. Oh, by the way, "cold ones" refer to vampires...not beer. Jacob's people are not the blood enemies of a cold 6 pack.
"We ban you from Forks if you don't have touchably soft skin."
Post Merged: July 21, 2010, 03:49:42 PM
Chapters 7-9
When last we left Bella, she had learned from Jacob that the Quileute are descended from from Tom Wolf and the Cullens really like cold beer.
Chapter 7:
*Adverb count: 67
*Edward adjective count: 5
*Clutz count: 0
I'll just say upfront that plot-wise, nothing happens in this chapter. It's 22 pages of pretty much nothing.
Charlie starts out our chapter by apparently caring more about the basketball game that's on than what Bella is trying to tell him. Way to care, Charlie.
Bella later has a dream where Jacob is telling her to run. He then turns into a werewolf, Mike also tells her to run. Edward shows up. He is glowing and he has fangs. Why is Mike there?
It was imperative that we know Bella has dial up that runs like a dead turtle. I'm sure later on the slow dial up will be her doom. So, of course, this is where we get some Internet search action! Apparently there is a website called "Vampires A-Z". What is that? A children's guide to the undead? Why didn't I ever get that book as a child? I feel deprived.
We learn a bit about Filipino, Hebrew, Polish, Romanian and Italian vampires. Not quite sure how those are relevant at all.
It is also here that Bella rejects the smart thing. Which would be to do what Edward says and avoid him. But Bella do something smart? Nah. Because Bella admits that in her dream she was more afraid of the werewolf and more afraid for Edward rather than of him. That's a great sign right there, that is.
Mike toes the line to creepy status by getting touchy feely with Bella's hair. Men in this series know no bounds.
The Bella Posse decide they are going to go to Port Angeles to shop for dresses for formal. Bella decides to accompany them.
Bella gets very disappointed when Edward is not in bio class that day. I should note that it is a sunny, beautiful day. She later apparently can't read Mansfield Park because the hero is named Edmund and that's far too close to Edward.
Oh, honey, you need help.
Chapter 8:
*Adverb count: 79
*Edward adjective count: 17
*Clutz count: 0
You notice when there's more Edward, there's more adverbs? You also notice the adjective count is the highest EVER! Current record right there.
So, it's girls night out for dress shopping! Bella decided to tag along for dress consulting because she herself is not attending the dance. Remember the puppies.
While looking at dresses, the girls reveal that the dance is semi-formal. Um...what exactly does that mean? You wear a nice top and jeans? Only half of you has to be formal? Can I pick the right or left half?
Bella laments the fact that she's never been to a dance (puppies) or had a boyfriend because no one has ever asked her. Right...except for the fact that half the teenage male population of Forks HS has asked you to ask them to the dance. Gosh, it must be rough being Bella.
We learn here that Tyler has been going around telling everyone at the school that he's going with Bella to the dance. *dun dun dunnn!!!*
Since there is nice weather, the Cullens are nowhere to be found. Apparently the story is that whenever the weather is good, which seems to be once every 3 months, the Cullens all go backpacking! Education be damned, backpacking is much more important.
Bella decides to go wandering on her own aimlessly in a town that she's never been to before. Her friends have no objection to this. They must really care. So in her wandering Bella starts to get stalked by a group of 4 men in flannel shirts. Um....she's being hit on by lumberjacks? The lumberjacks follow Bella and seem to be herding her to where they want her to go. Bella is cattle apparently.
Now, here's my question. Does Bella secrete pheromones or something? Is that why so many men hit on her all of a sudden? If I were to wear Essence of Bella would that have the same effect?
Edward shows up out of nowhere in his Deus Ex Volvo to save the day. Bella, of course, does not question how he found her or what he was doing there. Edward demands that Bella put on her seatbelt. He takes the safety laws very seriously. Bella brushes off the notion that she should be upset that Edward may or may not be following her. Oh Bella.
Once again, Bella focuses on Edward's "flawless features". Oh for the love of...we get it! Edward is the flawless whipped cream on Bella's ice cream sundae. Can we stop beating a dead horse?
While they are driving, Edward admits that he may or may not have temper problems. This fails to send up any sort of red flag with Bella. Edward then announces that he is taking Bella to dinner. Bella focuses on his "silken irresistible voice". Ok. We are now bringing in a necromancer to raise the dead horse so we can beat it to death yet again. WE GET IT!
Edward: I'm taking you to dinner.
Bella: But I'm not--
Edward: YES YOU ARE!
They arrive at the restaurant that Bella was supposed to meet her friends at. Bella does not think to question how Edward knew what place to go to since it was never brought up in discussion. Bella's friends make the excuse that they had eaten already. They really do care, don't they? Unless they're hoping Edward is a psychotic killer and Bella's body will later be found in a ditch or buried in the woods, dug up and half eaten by a bear.
Inside the restaurant, the waitress is eyeballing Edward. It is unclear how old she is, but I'm assuming she is supposed to appear older than Edward. I know that he's over a 100 years old, but he looks 17. Pedo much, lady?
"Do I dazzle you?" That is really a line in the book. I couldn't make that up if I wanted to. When I got to that line...seriously, I snorted. My mom was sitting right next to me and made a o_O face. I had to read the part to her and she made roughly the same noise and face I did.
For at least 2-3 paragraphs I didn't make any notes. Just added tics to the Edward Adjective Count.
Bella confides to Edward that she feels very safe with him. *facepalm* There's nothing I can say about that.
Bella also notes that Edward is more crabby when he has black eyes. The answer is to simply get the man some Midol.
Edward reveals that he can hear people's minds. He had been tuned to Jessica's mind and when he could sense that Bella wasn't with her, he had to find out where she was. Again....no red flags going up? Edward could hear the thoughts of the lumberjacks and knew that she was nearby.
In closing: Do I dazzle you?
Chapter 9:
*Adverb count: 53
*Edward adjective count: 13
*Clutz count: 1
Not as high as last time, but the first two numbers are still up there.
Edward reveals that he followed Bella's scent. So either she really does secrete pheromones or she's a bowl of Fruit Loops (I'd buy that as well) and to find her one must just follow there nose! Wherever it goes! To the flavors of fruit! Wherever they grow!
In order for Edward's telepathy to work, people have to be close by for him to hear their minds. For some reason, Edward is unable to hear Bella's thoughts. The answer is simple: he can't hear it because there is nothing there to hear.
"I'm a freak?" That's a real line, and do I really need to comment here? I didn't think so.
While they are driving back to Forks, Bella happens to notice that Edward is going a tad over the speed limit. Edward can't understand why Bella would freak over someone going 100 MPH on a twisty road at night. I can't imagine. So apparently vampires would make great NASCAR drivers.
Bella then proceeds to reveal what she knows about vampires and the Cullens while Edward is driving 80 MPH on a twisty road at night in the middle of nowhere. *sigh* Again...must I comment?
Vampire myths are now debunked!
"We eat animals! We're like vegetarians!" That's just a summary of the actual conversation. Um...vegetarians... how do you feel about this?
More about Edward's velvety voice. I swear....
"I must be fighting fate to keep you alive." The answer is simple, Edward. Just let her die.
When Bella gets home she admits that she can't move until her brain unscrambles. So I guess she must have been standing there for a very, very long time. She could be standing there still for all we know.
Bella then reveals to us 3 things:
1) Edward is a vampire. No...really? I thought he was el chupacabra!
2) Edward really wants her blood. Again...no red flags of any sort?
3) She's in love with him.
*throws hands up in air*
